Back after a while NC question

[openskyblue]

Rose1 is spot on -- Keep it all business and start looking for her now. If you can't find her, you may need to file a missing/stolen car report with the police.

[mrstring]

I was talking to my brother on this who has been my rock in all of this. He said by not emailing or texting her now is doing what I did for so much of the relationship, trying to not trigger her. Trying to phrase the email and text the right way, worried about how she might react instead of what is best for me. Very true. After 2 years and 3 months out, I am still scared. Weird.

[openskyblue]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I agree with your brother, but you have pulled yourself out of a difficult, abuse relationship. I was also a caretaker to an abusive PD, and I know how easily it is to fall back into that "maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" thinking.

I think you hit the nail on the head: The most important thing is to do what is right for you and protects you. Leaving the car with her without a formal transfer of ownership puts you in many dangerous situations, because you are basically carrying the liability for whatever misguided thing your PD ex does. If she ran over someone with that car today, the victim's family could sue you and win.

Hang in there!  You've got this.

[mrstring]

Please don't be too hard on yourself. I agree with your brother, but you have pulled yourself out of a difficult, abuse relationship. I was also a caretaker to an abusive PD, and I know how easily it is to fall back into that "maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" thinking.

I think you hit the nail on the head: The most important thing is to do what is right for you and protects you. Leaving the car with her without a formal transfer of ownership puts you in many dangerous situations, because you are basically carrying the liability for whatever misguided thing your PD ex does. If she ran over someone with that car today, the victim's family could sue you and win.

Hang in there!  You've got this.

Yes definitely still guilty of this ""maybe I can avoid more drama, if I word it this way" I have my wording down, I just have to find the time table to get the loan and then pay off the car loan and get the Title in my hand. I am very nervous but will most likely send the email/text today

[Liftedfog]

You have come so far, you got this to.   Everytime I struggle with having to make a hard decision that I know will cause some drama, I ask myself can I just leave it as is and ignore it?   When I answer NO, I HAVE to deal with this I am more at terms with understanding I really have no choice.  The alternative is doing nothing.    You know deep down inside that upu can't just ignore this.   Be strong.  Nothing is worse than bring under same roof as her.  You are free!   

[mrstring]

You have come so far, you got this to.   Everytime I struggle with having to make a hard decision that I know will cause some drama, I ask myself can I just leave it as is and ignore it?   When I answer NO, I HAVE to deal with this I am more at terms with understanding I really have no choice.  The alternative is doing nothing.    You know deep down inside that upu can't just ignore this.   Be strong.  Nothing is worse than bring under same roof as her.  You are free!   

Yes, no doubt about me doing this. The combined 401k loans is available. Sadly no matter what happens I have to do this loan.
1. She accepts it
or
2. I have to repo it and sell it
The Title has to be in my name and I can't have the bank as a shareholder.

The timing when I text/email is tricky

Loan will take 2 days to process
Check will be mailed to me, probably another 3 or 4 days
Paying the loan off will take up to 5 business days according to the bank
Then they notify the state who will mail me the Title probably another 3 to 5 days

Most likely 16 business days. 1st week in April. So I don't want to give her too much notice because that will draw out contact until I get Title.
I am almost clear but this hurdle is a doozy.
But as you say the worst is behind me, living with her, under scrutiny and horrible accusations, fearing the police being called.

[openskyblue]

Gosh, what a hassle! Your situation reminds me of SO MANY similar ones I had with my ex. There were no straightforward situations with him, just big snarky messes that took enormous amounts of energy to fix. I'm very glad to be out of that — and happy that you are almost out too.

Fingers crossed for you!

[mrstring]

Little update. I spoke to the DMV 4 times over the last 3 days over the phone because I like to make sure someone is not giving me bad info. They said that since I own the title and I completed the release of liability form online that I am protected even if she never signs or turns in the Title. When the registration comes due, in October and it is not registered, it may get impounded and they check the DMV records. They may reach out to me to see if I want to but it back from an auction. I also still may get parking tickets in the mail but I would submit to them the release of liability form or they may request one be sent from the DMV for a 5 dollar fee.

So that being said. I emailed her on the two emails I have. To summarize.
-I switched liability of the car to you
-I will have the title in 7 to 14 days, let me know how you want to get it to sign it and turn it in
-You are covered for insurance until the end of the month, the insurance company will be in touch to start your own


I thought 1 of 2 things would happen
1. Silence
2. Four pages of profanity and accusations with a little guilt thrown in

Instead she said, I am paraphrasing

I will get back to you at a later date regarding this matter

Which leads me to believe her email was hacked or she is being coached.

Anyhow, I am getting very close now.

[openskyblue]

I'm so glad to hear that things are progressing and that there is a clear path forward that protects you from liability for the inevitable fall out of your ex not handling the car right. That you won't be liable for the car, what she does with it, tickets, etc is great news.

I chuckled over her response.  Classic ungrateful and entitled kick the can down the road PD response.  Now a normal response would have been "Wow, thanks so much for giving me a car free and clear of all debt and insuring it for me for, like, ever. This is very generous. I will make sure I've completed all the paperwork and sends you signed copies this week."

But, you are not dealing with normal. My hat is off to you for getting things organized and accomplished. It sure hasn't been easy!

[mrstring]

I'm so glad to hear that things are progressing and that there is a clear path forward that protects you from liability for the inevitable fall out of your ex not handling the car right. That you won't be liable for the car, what she does with it, tickets, etc is great news.

I chuckled over her response.  Classic ungrateful and entitled kick the can down the road PD response.  Now a normal response would have been "Wow, thanks so much for giving me a car free and clear of all debt and insuring it for me for, like, ever. This is very generous. I will make sure I've completed all the paperwork and sends you signed copies this week."

But, you are not dealing with normal. My hat is off to you for getting things organized and accomplished. It sure hasn't been easy!

That is funny, my brother said the same thing over her response. It didn't even dawn on me. I expected her to be ungrateful. She view what she is perceived losing instead of gaining. She probably read it as "I am not paying for your insurance or any tickets anymore, so screw you!" 
Some people in my life, ok probably all, think I am nuts for even giving her the car. Maybe, I am part coward, maybe part of me feels since when we were together it was supposed to be her car, maybe part of me linked to her is not thinking right, all I know for a lot LESS than people pay for alimony and messy divorces, I will be tie free.

Thanks Bluesky for all your encouragement and being a good person to bounce ideas off of. Same goes for everyone else.

[openskyblue]

Very happy to help! Hey, we all have to figure out what works, how to get free. It looks like you found your way to get good and truly disconnected from your ex. And you got your dogs out safe and sound. Bravo!

[Rose1]

  well done. The relief will kick in soon I hope.

[mrstring]

I received the Title on Saturday. I emailed her and texted her the next day, basically the same thing as before but this time with no response. I called the DMV yesterday and asked what I already asked but I am overly cautious. Since I submitted the release of liability it is really on her to get the Title. I don;t have to worry about insuring it because I did this and she is driving it. Any parking tickets and toll road tickets(3 at the end of March) will now be mailed to her. I don't even know if she lives there anymore but it will be forwarded to her or her son who I believe she lived with at that location. So I am in the clear. If she does not take the Title by the time it comes to register it, in November, the car will most likely be impounded. I also doubt she will insure it, so will probably lose it.

Part of me feels like I should at least let her daughter know what is going on. She has been very nice and basically on my side, but I truthfully don't know what difference it would make. She doesn't talk to her mom anyhow.

[openskyblue]

That's great news. I'm so glad this has worked out for you.

My 2 cents is to not call her daughter. That's just another connection to your ex you don't need -- and she doesn't talk to her mom anyway.

Wishing smooth sailing!

[mrstring]

That's great news. I'm so glad this has worked out for you.

My 2 cents is to not call her daughter. That's just another connection to your ex you don't need -- and she doesn't talk to her mom anyway.

Wishing smooth sailing!

Thank you. I was going to text the daughter not call. We text from time to time, just about funny stuff and things like that so the connection is there. I know they track their mom from time to time just to make sure she is ok. I still may but your input is appreciated. Although as you said they don't talk anyhow. The only reason is if their mom loses the car and they could help or have a heads up. You know what? As I am typing this, it's not my problem.

[openskyblue]

Not your circus, not your monkeys = my favorite saying of all time.

[mrstring]

Not your circus, not your monkeys = my favorite saying of all time.

Good point. Although her daughter has been nice and even expressed appreciation to me for being a good father type person in her life, she said it nicer, I just can't remember the exact words. That being said her nor any of her kids expressed any interest in trying to lessen my burden over the last two years, from the phone bill, to the car, registration, etc. So IF and quite frankly I believe  WHEN my ex loses the car, either for lack of insurance, unpaid parking tickets, just being reckless, she will fall and lean on the kids. I was just thinking of giving them a heads up, but they were not there for me. So the heck with it.

[mrstring]

Oddly enough her daughter did text me yesterday, completely unrelated to what was happening. She just wanted to send me a funny picture of me from years ago. I did fill her in and she was very glad I did that and removed liability. She said she and her brothers suspects she is back on drugs and want to get her into rehab. Between that and her mental illness is a very dangerous combination.  She also mentioned that she showed up at one of her family members house, the brother of her daughter's ex, who she cheated on me with, and banged on the door and 1am and in the morning held the door close so his wife couldn't go to work. Scary stuff. I am so glad I am away but can't help to feel very sad for her.

[openskyblue]

Be careful with where you put your sympathy.  Giving sympathy to someone who is manipulative and has no interest in doing right by you is a dangerous door to open.

Your ex is an adult and she makes the choices she has to live with -- just like you or I do. Her life looks the way it does because of her choices.

[sad_dog_mommy]

I am so glad I am away but can't help to feel very sad for her.

Of course you feel sad for her!  No one would wish manic behavior and drug addiction on another person.  Speaking for my own co-dependent issues feeling sorry for my exBF was one of the things that kept me tethered to him. [trauma bond]  Now that things have shifted in my head I feel sorry for his children instead.  They do not have a father they can count on for support or friendship.

You are a good egg Mr String.