Her birthday

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Twinkletoes88

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Her birthday
« on: September 21, 2018, 04:08:34 AM »
Iíve been dreading my NPDmother asking me this but she finally has. She text last night asking me and my sister if we are free for a meal on her birthday next week.

As I have written previously, the last meal we had was horrible and I spent weeks getting over it. I donít want to repeat it.

I could make up an excuse to be busy but my husband says that it would be obvious because what excuse would be enough to not see your mum on her birthday? (Heís not encouraging me to go by the way, he just says I should tell her straight I donít want to).

Iím not quite ready to tell her straight.

Part of me thinks ďso what if itís obvious?Ē And part of me almost wishes she would ask me straight what my issue is so I can tell her honestly... but the other part of me doesnít want the drama or the confrontation.

I admit I just donít want to see her st all at the moment but also thereís something about her birthday. I donít want to lavish her with birthday wishes and presents and book a lovely restaurant, her her a balloon, make a fuss. Eugh no. I donít feel that way and I donít want to be fake - Iím done with doing things to please her at my own expense. Yet I donít want to be cruel on her birthday.

Any advice? Iím feeling a bit stuck.


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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #1 on: September 21, 2018, 04:57:48 AM »
Perhaps you could be "swamped at work" and "you'll see what you can do, but it's not looking good."

Or you already have tentative plans, and you don't want to promise her anything.

Or even, "That  doesn't work for us - we'll have to get together another time."

If all of these seem chilly, or even a bit icy - that's the point.   :yes:

It's how you'd treat a stranger you just me, who is ALL up in your face - and your mother *is* a stranger to you.

She doesn't know you, and doesn't want to.  She just wants what she wants - and will never get it.  It's intangible, unknowable - and just when you think you've figured it out, the goalpost moves, and you're back at square one.

You can be "busy."  You can have "a lot going on, and you're just not sure."  "I'm going to have to bow out - things are just wonky right now."

But you don't have to go to a command performance for Her Highness if it makes you feel awkward, uncomfortable, over-scrutinized, and you're constantly reading the facial sub-cues for what's *really* going on behind her mask, which is usually fury, so yeah - skip that shizzle.

If you tell her the truth, all hell will break loose and you'll probably be accused of being mentally ill, your DH is brainwashing you, or something along those lines - so keep it light, fluffy, airy, breezy and like the commitment you'd give a stranger on a bus.

You're just not sure.  I'll see what I can do. 

"I'll see what I can do" - it's a get-out-of Guilt card.   :yes:

If you'd rather sit home with your DH, THAT'S what you could do!   :thumbup:

And you never, ever, EVER elaborate on what kept you from her Very Special Bashing of Twinkletoes.   :ninja:

"Ah, you know...life at the old gristmill, more of the same, life at Casa de Cray Cray, just another badly-timed  appliance failure; work work work, -  it's nothing.  I don't want to bore you."

"I don't want to bore you" - crucial to getting the heat off you, and asking about HER - while keeping it about gardening, the weather, her favorite TV shows - anything *light.*

You DO bore her, anyway, unless you're being her mirror and doing as she says, and she probably won't notice it's a bit P/A - because it puts the focus back on HER.

You've GOT this!   8-)

 :hug:

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Twinkletoes88

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #2 on: September 21, 2018, 05:10:55 AM »
I know your reply isnít meant to be funny, but it made me laugh several times so thanks for that! Iíve been feeling sick and my hearts been beating sooooooo quickly the last hour!

Youíre absolute right about me boring her and youíre absolutely right about me trying to read whatís *really* going on under her mask. 

Last time I told her the truth of how I felt she did exactly that, said I was ďevilĒ and ďneeded sectioningĒ and said my husband and my therapist were brainwashing me and that I was in ďa cultĒ 😂😂😂 T rightly pointed out that I had in fact, left the cult (her).

A friend has suggested I say something along the lines of ďsorry but Iím not able to do thatĒ - as a way of not actually making anything up. But still saying no..... what do you think of that?

I mean itís the truth... Iím NOT able to do that .... for my sanity.

I dread her reply. Asking me why or saying that I never want to see her - thatís where my anxiety breeds. Maybe I should deal with it as it happens rather than getting so worked up in advance. I like to be prepared (not they I ever am as this example evidences 😂)

I already know once Iíve said no that Iíll feel so much relief. Thatís motivating.



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Twinkletoes88

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #3 on: September 21, 2018, 08:58:20 AM »
Okay update:

I sent a message which said I was unable to make it but that I had something being delivered to her on the day of her birthday, then I wished her a good weekend and said we would catch up soon.

She replied saying thatís a shame and a smiley face and then that we would speak soon and she was sending me lots of love (BLEUGH!!! )

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Daffodil

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #4 on: September 21, 2018, 09:24:57 AM »
I know your reply isnít meant to be funny, but it made me laugh several times so thanks for that! Iíve been feeling sick and my hearts been beating sooooooo quickly the last hour!

Youíre absolute right about me boring her and youíre absolutely right about me trying to read whatís *really* going on under her mask. 

Last time I told her the truth of how I felt she did exactly that, said I was ďevilĒ and ďneeded sectioningĒ and said my husband and my therapist were brainwashing me and that I was in ďa cultĒ 😂😂😂 T rightly pointed out that I had in fact, left the cult (her).

A friend has suggested I say something along the lines of ďsorry but Iím not able to do thatĒ - as a way of not actually making anything up. But still saying no..... what do you think of that?

I mean itís the truth... Iím NOT able to do that .... for my sanity.

I dread her reply. Asking me why or saying that I never want to see her - thatís where my anxiety breeds. Maybe I should deal with it as it happens rather than getting so worked up in advance. I like to be prepared (not they I ever am as this example evidences 😂)

I already know once Iíve said no that Iíll feel so much relief. Thatís motivating.

Wow. Well done for telling your truth. Now you've been demonised, not surprisingly. My M did the same to me when I stood up to her...she blamed my husband and told everyone I was mentally ill. You've tried to communicate with her and she hasn't been willing to listen and work on the relationship..there's not much else you can do.

My take on saying no is that, you are never going to get her approval for saying no or having boundaries. What helped me when I first broke away was saying no and then not being there for the fall out. I asked my husband to read all communication and not tell me. I was so programmed to empathise and make HER ok that I couldn't cope with her reaction, so I just got out the way. I know it's not very adult but with severe complex ptsd it's all I could manage.

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blues_cruise

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #5 on: September 23, 2018, 08:41:12 PM »
Okay update:

I sent a message which said I was unable to make it but that I had something being delivered to her on the day of her birthday, then I wished her a good weekend and said we would catch up soon.

She replied saying thatís a shame and a smiley face and then that we would speak soon and she was sending me lots of love (BLEUGH!!! )

Well done with that, you're perfectly entitled to say no. Unfortunately with a PD parent you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this scenario. :hug:
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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daughterofbpd

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Re: Her birthday
« Reply #6 on: September 24, 2018, 03:26:24 AM »
Thatís awesome. Good for you!

I donít know if itís just me but I swear every time I get ready for my M to go ballistic about something she ends up being fine. Unfortunately, she finds a way of exploding whenever I least expect it. It just comes out of no where.
ďHow starved you must have been that my heart became a meal for your egoĒ
~ Amanda Torroni