Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!

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longedforchild3

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Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« on: September 25, 2018, 01:00:03 AM »
I am 21 years old and about a year ago went no contact with my uBPD mother and my enabling father. I am in a pretty serious long-distance relationship with my college boyfriend right now. I always knew that when I got into a serious relationship I would face unique challenges because of my family history, and it's starting to really affect my attitude towards the relationship. I'm so incredibly used to walking on eggshells, waiting for the next explosion or for something to go wrong and for shit to hit the fan with my mom, that I've recently realized I consistently have that feeling within my relationship even though my boyfriend is incredible and very loving. He knows all of my family history and walked with me through the separation, but this is a new struggle coming up and I'm having a hard time communicating my needs to him because I'm not really sure what they are, or what is appropriate to request of him because he is not the cause of it. Essentially, my biggest struggle right now is feeling like I need to be perfect...if I do one wrong thing, it will send everything to hell and cause him to leave me or say something to make me feel small and worthless like my mother always did.
I'm new to this. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!

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Spring Butterfly

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Re: Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« Reply #1 on: September 25, 2018, 10:33:48 AM »
Oh I hear ya! This helped me lots, made sticky notes and phone reminder pop ups with some of these that hit me.
 http://pete-walker.com/shrinkingInnerCritic.htm
Every interaction w/ PD persons results in damage-plan accordingly, make time to heal
Individuation is one key to emotional freedom
It's foolish to expect of others what they have no capacity to give
my Empowered Growth blog

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daughter

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Re: Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« Reply #2 on: September 25, 2018, 10:51:52 AM »
What helped me navigate myself through life was making lists, lists of my one-year goals, my five-year aspirations, the pros/cons of situations/decisions, my priorities and values, my needs in a relationship and at work, my concerns and worries, etc.  I'd write this stuff down, stuff it into my purse, and consult these lists whenever I felt wobbly. 

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all4peace

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Re: Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« Reply #3 on: September 25, 2018, 11:27:32 AM »
longedforchild3, I understand. What a terrible consequence of not receiving unconditional love, when we feel we must be perfect and if we're not perfect we are hopelessly flawed. One thing that has helped me tremendously is to reverse the order. Would I hold others to the standard I hold myself? Would I reject a person for one misstep? Would I think poorly of someone for showing that they're human and imperfect? Nope. So maybe we can stop doing this to ourselves.

I also found inner-child work to be incredibly helpful. When we picture ourselves as small children (can you find a photo of yourself at 5 years of age, for example?), we can see and viscerally understand that we were tiny, innocent, deserving of love and support. We can understand that the terrible messages planted inside us at young ages were totally unfair and cruel, and that we would never put a weight on a child's shoulders that was put on ours. I felt things finally shift in me when I started every morning with meditations to my infant, 5, 10, 15 year old selves, giving them what I needed at those ages, the tenderness, love, comfort, compassion, admiration, understanding I needed at those ages. It starts to rewire our brain, and our nervous systems start changing and developing new routes. It truly can heal us from the inside out.

I'm not saying I don't still panic about relationships. But I can recover faster, keep the panic inside, talk myself through it, and stabilize emotionally much faster than in the past. I can tell myself that it's an irrational fear rather than reality.

The healthier your relationships are in real life, the more you will learn that there are safe people out there, and that safe people allow us to be imperfect without leaving us. Hugs to you, as this is really tough stuff.

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Sidney7

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Re: Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« Reply #4 on: September 26, 2018, 03:43:45 AM »
Just remember that you are worthy and deserving of love!!  As the others have said remind yourself all the time with notes, be gentle on yourself..

When I was 24 I feel totally in love with a guy I was with for 6 months, my mother would tell me all the time that he was most likely using me, that I probably was not good enough for him and that he would most likely leave me eventually - she even underlined in a book about me being a 'good time girl!"

18 years on, I still think about this guy and realized only recently that I totally sabotaged the relationship because I believed what my mother said.  I did see him in a bar about 10 years ago and he came up to me, we talked, I was so glad I told him how much I loved him.. he asked what happened to us... He must of been confused himself.  I get still so sad about it, he was the love of my life.

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Liketheducks

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Re: Wounds from uBPD Mother Affecting Romantic Relationship...Help!
« Reply #5 on: September 26, 2018, 10:51:15 AM »
I can SO identify with this.  It's taken years for me to see that I don't have to be so terribly hard on myself.   
I've found a lot of comfort in looking to a higher power as my parent first.   Not to get too religious on you....but seeing myself as a child of God before the child of my NPD and BPD parents gives me the permission to be human....to make mistakes....to know that I'll be forgiven.   My inner critic has lightened up considerably.
You deserve to feel loved.    He sounds like a great guy.