She kept telling me she was a good mother....

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UsedUp

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #20 on: September 19, 2018, 03:16:31 AM »
Exactly,  LSK. At the age of 2... TWO years old, my first clear memory was fear. Of my mom.  She was chasing me around the kitchen with a broom. Swinging at me with it. Not saying a word, just trying to beat me with it. I ran as fast as I could, but she finally caught me. I  hunkered in the corner,  put my hands over my head and shut my eyes .

She stopped. I  don't know why.  Maybe she snapped back into reality,  or maybe dad walked in the door. No clue.

Who remembers ANYTHING at 2 years old? It has to be traumatic or something for that to be recorded in your brain at that age.

A few years later, (we were very poor because 'dad' refused to work... after marrying a child that he could 'train') we lived in an old rundown farm house. It rented for $15 a month. And that was hard for her to pay, plus get food.

In that house, I saw her chasing a mouse around the kitchen, swinging a broom at it just like she did to me. Same look on her face. No talking, no vocalizing at all. Gave me nightmares, and i may have been 6 years old by then.

I don't remember her ever telling me about what a good mom she was. That was dad's job. The guy that married a child, brainwashed her, trained her to take care of his every want and need, didn't work or support his family in any way, did the brainwash on all of us... but he's the BEST thing in the world. No man is better than he is. 

I  fluctuate between wanting to vomit, and wanting to change my name. Entire name, not just maiden. You just can't ever really get over this type of s*it. Not totally. Learning to deal with it is about as good as it gets
.... so far anyway. At least for me.

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #21 on: September 19, 2018, 04:31:50 PM »
I think it's really healthy that you are reclaiming your anger. Anger helps us protect our boundaries. My anger was taken from me too. I became a doormat for anyone to treat like they wanted and I would take full responsibility. I still have difficulty reconciling our two realities. i think learning that anger is not necessarily shameful and dangerous and learning how to handle our own anger is an important part of recovery.

Thanks Daffodil, yes it's amazing to me how afraid of my anger I was...weirdly I was not scared of being angry at all in my life. This fear surrounds totally being angry at the people that abused me....weird. I had no trouble being angry with myself though. I read somewhere that for children of NM's are left to literally reconstruct their reality...this was perhaps the truest thing I have ever heard said since I started the journey OOTF. God Bless

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #22 on: September 19, 2018, 04:34:45 PM »
My husband was the SG/Forgotten Child. My incredibly waify MIL regularly tells my DH that "she was a good mother."  My husband's response is usually "Yeah, you keep telling yourself that" or "I'm sure you think so."

I like these responses  :) Especially "I'm sure you think so."  :applause:

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #23 on: September 19, 2018, 04:40:04 PM »
LSK1999
All I can say is that I understand your Anger.  Even though I always was a  go-ahead type, scared but courageous in my life concerning major decisions that I took and that I was proud of,  I discovered after my anger, going through healing that I have very low self-esteem after all, more than I thought.
 Major wake up call to be fixed.  I am working on that right now, expressing my needs without feeling guilty.
 Yes they tried to show us, or make us believe that they were good parents, NO.  They made us feel unworthy and that put us on a path of  taking abuse from other people in our lives, like our partners, until we come OOTF.
It is very painful, I can not say it enough and it does get better.  Slowly but surely is my motto. ;)
Hugs to all.

I love that you say NO. That is where I am at now NO NO NO. It's so important to realize how this damaged every single aspect of our lives and left us horribly emotionally vulnerable to abuse. This wasn't something that just destroyed our childhoods but for many of us much of our adult lives as well. Slowly but surely is a great motto....thanks for that. Hugs back to you  :bighug:

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #24 on: September 19, 2018, 04:56:07 PM »
It's amazing how we, as wee ones, believed our parents, contrary to their actions. My Nmom has said same and I say nothing.  I still find moments of surprise where I have believed things she's said that were not true. A sad, recent example -- Nmom has always said my legs were thick, not shapely like GCsis.  I did not realize how much I had believed that until, at 49 friggin' years old, I allowed myself to look at my legs during yoga.  They are quite nice! 

Truth telling is powerful business. 

:hug:

I'm sure your legs are nice, which is why M probably felt the need to insult them. Another really horrible and disturbing revelation was that my mother was jealous of me  :stars: I read this somewhere when first coming OOTF and could not wrap my mind around it. I couldn't imagine a mother ever feeling jealous of their child. Parenting brought up many many emotions for me but jealousy was never one. As much as I didn't want to believe this and tried to deny the odd reality of that when I first started coming OOTF my NM actually told me herself... :stars: One day I was nervous about something and my NM actually said to me " I don't know what your worried about people always like you. I was always jealous of you even when you were little because people always liked you more than me." Yes folks there it was and a fact I could not deny anymore. The truth right without a thought. I was alarmed when she said it and really confused and frustrated...I actually responded "Mom do you have any idea how not normal that is?" She then snapped at me about something totally different and quickly changed the subject...but she couldn't unsay what she said...and it told me soooo much about the truth about reality. 

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Sidney7

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #25 on: September 20, 2018, 01:47:18 AM »
I am new to this thread and am staggered at how similar peoples lives were / are to mine having a NM as a parent!  For my whole life I thought it was just me...  :flat:

LSK - I am so sorry for all that you have been through, I so understand where you are coming from with your post!  My mother used to say to me to "Honour Thy Mother!" and would refer to the Bible.. Hearing that from a young age made me so scared to say, or even think anything of her that was less than perfect.  She would say that she was a "Brilliant mother" and I believed her. 

Its a seriously harsh realization as an adult that you have been duped isn't it?? 

I also find it amazing that so many of us having being brought up by a NM end up in abusive relationships - for me this is the hardest part of it all, that I was basically sent into a situation that I could not handle and then expected to figure it out for myself.  And then only recently told that "I should have known better!". 
« Last Edit: September 20, 2018, 01:48:49 AM by Sidney7 »

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Petra8989

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #26 on: September 20, 2018, 10:26:00 AM »
Sorry LSK1999, I really feel where you’re coming from.
I feel like my mom is trying to Hodor or Harry Potter me. She keeps trying to share stories about what a great mom she was. Sadly these memories are a lot different from my perspective. 
You know the truth.  Take care of yourself. 

I feel like my cluster B mom despairitly needs me to reassure her that she was a great mom, but I just can’t lie for her anymore.  And that’s been one of my family rolls, to cover up for her and take her blame and shame. 
I’m finally doing the healing work and staying VLC at least for our family.  It’s been devistating to open my eyes and acknowledge WHAT SHE DID TO ME as a kid.   I’ve had to accept that I would NEVER hurt someone, anyone, even her like that.  And that was a hard pill to swallow, because maybe deep down that’s what she was afraid of all along.  She knew my dad was a better person than she was—told me so.  And I have all of these fragments of memories from childhood of “you think you’re better than me” from her, then yelling screaming beating throwing things anything to put me back in my place.  I forgot for years.  I needed to.  Remembering tears the scabs off. 

I want to deeply thank everyone sharing their stories here!  I read them and I get SO MAD FOR YOU. How DARE your abuser do that to you.  I’m furious. 
And then I realize my abusers did, and I can take care of myself too.  She’s not stealing another day from me.

Take care of yourselves.  It’s not selfish.  We were lied to. 

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Psuedonym

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #27 on: September 20, 2018, 01:09:10 PM »
Moxie890: she would get irritated and say things like "ok, now is when you agree with me". Absolutely dead on. Even though she knows it doesn't work! Last year she said something like 'now is the part where you tell me I was the best mother in the world.' When she got silence in return she finally said 'you're not going to tell me that, are you' and I said 'nope'....subject change!

Another favorite of hers was to break out the Shakespeare and say 'sharper than a serpent's tooth is an ungrateful child.' Shakespeare also said, "The lady doth protest too much, methinks". Ha.

Just the other day she started telling me how she was very upset and anxious all the time after i was born but she eventually felt better and then said: you don't have any bad memories about that time, do you?? Yeah I really don't have a lot of solid memories from when I was 6 months old.  :stars:

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Some One

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #28 on: September 20, 2018, 01:10:46 PM »
If you treat your children badly you can expect your children to think of you as a bad mother.
I always liked this article, "Reaping What They Sow - The Natural Consequences of Bad Behavior":  http://luke173ministries.org/templates/System/details.asp?id=39548&PID=466799
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #29 on: September 20, 2018, 06:14:16 PM »
Exactly,  LSK. At the age of 2... TWO years old, my first clear memory was fear. Of my mom.  She was chasing me around the kitchen with a broom. Swinging at me with it. Not saying a word, just trying to beat me with it. I ran as fast as I could, but she finally caught me. I  hunkered in the corner,  put my hands over my head and shut my eyes .

She stopped. I  don't know why.  Maybe she snapped back into reality,  or maybe dad walked in the door. No clue.

Who remembers ANYTHING at 2 years old? It has to be traumatic or something for that to be recorded in your brain at that age.

A few years later, (we were very poor because 'dad' refused to work... after marrying a child that he could 'train') we lived in an old rundown farm house. It rented for $15 a month. And that was hard for her to pay, plus get food.

In that house, I saw her chasing a mouse around the kitchen, swinging a broom at it just like she did to me. Same look on her face. No talking, no vocalizing at all. Gave me nightmares, and i may have been 6 years old by then.

I don't remember her ever telling me about what a good mom she was. That was dad's job. The guy that married a child, brainwashed her, trained her to take care of his every want and need, didn't work or support his family in any way, did the brainwash on all of us... but he's the BEST thing in the world. No man is better than he is. 

I  fluctuate between wanting to vomit, and wanting to change my name. Entire name, not just maiden. You just can't ever really get over this type of s*it. Not totally. Learning to deal with it is about as good as it gets
.... so far anyway. At least for me.
]

What a horrible story, I am so sorry for what you had to endure as a child. I totally know the wanting to vomit feeling...and the wanting to change your name. I have considered it especially considering my middle name is my mothers. My NM really thinks she is superior to EVERYONE....I have absolutely zero idea how she ever came to that conclusion  :stars: It's amazing to me how they live in this delusional reality and are able to take so many along for the ride....absolutely insane. I find myself wanting to tell my NM that she is delusional....one day I screamed at her that she was insane so loudly and angrily that I popped a blood vessel in my eye  :stars: Her response was to scream even louder than me while looking like she would burst out of her body and her eyes would pop out of her head....I am "NOT" she screamed '"I know exactly what I am doing" super telling....I think she does know exactly what she is doing.

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jennsc85

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #30 on: September 22, 2018, 09:09:12 PM »
This post resonates with me so much...

My mother told me constantly (even into my adulthood)... “I prayed that if I wouldn’t be a good mother that God wouldn’t let me get pregnant.”

Which, to me, implies that since she did get pregnant that means that she thinks God is saying that she’s a good mother.

I’m a religious person and all but her trying to make it about religion absolutely sickens me. No, she wasn’t a good mother. The fact that she became one and the fact that she prayed about it doesn’t make her a good mother like she thinks.

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eternallystuck

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #31 on: September 22, 2018, 11:19:37 PM »
LSK I hear myself in so much of what you said! And I think you highlighted a very important point about allowing ourselves to feel that anger

I have also felt very alone in feeling so much anger towards my M. Random people have tried to excuse or explain it away to me 'she probably has issues', 'its probably cos she cared', 'do you really think that?'

On the surface people would be having u believe everyone looks forward to seeing their family at xmas- the truth is there is soooo many that don't but they don't have the confidence to admit it to themselves. And like many here I have also been told M 'did her best' - well that phrase is as subjective as the population of humanity itself- its a non phrase to guilt trip us into thinking they're just a human who makes mistakes. Listen, there is no mistake about my NPD M's intentional abuse. Time & time again, I have begged her to stop. Time & time again, she has seen me fall sick at the hands of her abuse. There's no innocent human error in that.

Then to have your own M, who is raising you in this world, to further gaslight you& make you feel u deserved those random volatile outbursts, that you're 'ungrateful' for the toxic dynamic she has festered...its no wonder we are left so anxious, confused & drained

It almost casts this sense of shame on you & pushes you back into being hoovered- 'oh no, this can't be my reality, I'm not in one of THOSE families.. people are worse off'...but you are. And you know you are because your gut tells you, your body is alarmed by them, you become sick around them, you don't even trust them. Its only when we build enough confidence to believe ourselves & stomach that harsh truth that we finally start to come OOTF.

Whilst society teaches us 'anger is bad', 'hating your mother is awful & unnatural'...I feel that not allowing yourself to feel anger towards an abusive person can lead to some very damaging disassociation & self blame. And as you described it primes you for more abuse, because you have been taught that is part & parcel of keeping company. Yeah....its so not. As in the case with GC sis, she hasn't had the gut to face up to what our foo is, altho there are lil fragments that show she DOES know deep down....and in doing that she has mimicked & enabled a lot of my M's traits. She will never fully confront her head on like I have & its almost as if she has put her hands over her ears to avoid processing that pain or going through the SG worldwind I have. I sympathise to an extent but struggle to forgive her for the years of abuse/lack of support.

For some reason, most of society frowns up people feeling angered by ill treatment by others. They say they're 'victimizing' themselves even if u are a victim of abuse, or we look down on them for not being 'strong enough' to keep it hush & bumble on.

The truth is anger exists for a reason, to tell us something is deeply wrong. It has a primitive function in keeping us SAFE. That is a primal need all humans can understand- to feel safe. The only issue is when people allow this anger to turn them into toxic people, pouring it out into others with no self awareness.

We don't belong to that group of people but we are still allowed to process those feelings of anger & grief because they hold important lessons for us. For me it has taught me the importance of boundaries, reflecting, taking responsibility for your energy & listening to others as well as putting your safety FIRST before people pleasing. I am just glad we have all been able to get to the point of resilience where we can discuss this stuff and seek refuge in one anothers stories/tales of strength. Its very encouraging and lets me know that I haven't gone mad...I am just another non trying to survive & become a better person

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Absent Minded Artist

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #32 on: September 24, 2018, 02:38:37 PM »
Wow. Just, wow. This post is sad yet comforting. My story is similar. My M is slightly different in that she always says "I was such a terrible mother, I feel so guilty/awful, I'm a burden to my kids". We are then expected to act like her human antidepressants. She always told me that I was such a good baby that I'm the reason she went on to have more kids. She remarried and I'm pretty sure he is a sociopath, and I was also told "you should be grateful." Ugghhhh makes me want to puke.

It makes my heart ache to know there are so many wounded children out there. It's taken decades of therapy for me to even recognize what anger feels like. It can be scary because I have learned how to not stuff down or numb out my emotions, but what do I do now?

On the flip side, I have a niece who is absolutely precious. I was babysitting recently and she had a tantrum and was throwing things. I scooped her up and said "you are allowed to be angry, sad, etc. but you are not allowed to throw things." It feels good to know that my sisters and I are doing everything we can to break the generational cycle of abuse.

Take care everyone, and thank you for being brave.
"A manipulator makes you fear everyone around you so you don't see the monster right in front of you. They may have tied your blindfold, but you can take it off"
Erin Van Vuren

"Owning our story & loving ourselves through the process is the bravest thing we'll ever do"
Brenč Brown

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #33 on: September 25, 2018, 05:20:41 PM »
LSK I hear myself in so much of what you said! And I think you highlighted a very important point about allowing ourselves to feel that anger

I have also felt very alone in feeling so much anger towards my M. Random people have tried to excuse or explain it away to me 'she probably has issues', 'its probably cos she cared', 'do you really think that?'

On the surface people would be having u believe everyone looks forward to seeing their family at xmas- the truth is there is soooo many that don't but they don't have the confidence to admit it to themselves. And like many here I have also been told M 'did her best' - well that phrase is as subjective as the population of humanity itself- its a non phrase to guilt trip us into thinking they're just a human who makes mistakes. Listen, there is no mistake about my NPD M's intentional abuse. Time & time again, I have begged her to stop. Time & time again, she has seen me fall sick at the hands of her abuse. There's no innocent human error in that.

Then to have your own M, who is raising you in this world, to further gaslight you& make you feel u deserved those random volatile outbursts, that you're 'ungrateful' for the toxic dynamic she has festered...its no wonder we are left so anxious, confused & drained

It almost casts this sense of shame on you & pushes you back into being hoovered- 'oh no, this can't be my reality, I'm not in one of THOSE families.. people are worse off'...but you are. And you know you are because your gut tells you, your body is alarmed by them, you become sick around them, you don't even trust them. Its only when we build enough confidence to believe ourselves & stomach that harsh truth that we finally start to come OOTF.

Whilst society teaches us 'anger is bad', 'hating your mother is awful & unnatural'...I feel that not allowing yourself to feel anger towards an abusive person can lead to some very damaging disassociation & self blame. And as you described it primes you for more abuse, because you have been taught that is part & parcel of keeping company. Yeah....its so not. As in the case with GC sis, she hasn't had the gut to face up to what our foo is, altho there are lil fragments that show she DOES know deep down....and in doing that she has mimicked & enabled a lot of my M's traits. She will never fully confront her head on like I have & its almost as if she has put her hands over her ears to avoid processing that pain or going through the SG worldwind I have. I sympathise to an extent but struggle to forgive her for the years of abuse/lack of support.

For some reason, most of society frowns up people feeling angered by ill treatment by others. They say they're 'victimizing' themselves even if u are a victim of abuse, or we look down on them for not being 'strong enough' to keep it hush & bumble on.

The truth is anger exists for a reason, to tell us something is deeply wrong. It has a primitive function in keeping us SAFE. That is a primal need all humans can understand- to feel safe. The only issue is when people allow this anger to turn them into toxic people, pouring it out into others with no self awareness.

We don't belong to that group of people but we are still allowed to process those feelings of anger & grief because they hold important lessons for us. For me it has taught me the importance of boundaries, reflecting, taking responsibility for your energy & listening to others as well as putting your safety FIRST before people pleasing. I am just glad we have all been able to get to the point of resilience where we can discuss this stuff and seek refuge in one anothers stories/tales of strength. Its very encouraging and lets me know that I haven't gone mad...I am just another non trying to survive & become a better person

Sorry to quote your whole post Eternally but it is such a great post! A couple of things you said hit me deeply...one I asked my NM to stop....not only asked I begged her to. I literally did. As a child I pretty much begged for her love, as an adolescent I argued for fair treatment to be laughed at. As an adult I literally feeling utterly alone and broken in the world begged her through tears to try to find compassion for me or at least pretend to...to stop saying cruel and hurtful things to me...she refused and raged at me. She knew full well what she was doing and despite seeing the pain she was causing me my entire life she continued to do so. I had a memory just last night of when I started to dissociate...it was at times like a literal split I made and I was gone...I couldn't hear what people were saying and had no idea what was happening around me. The psychological pain had become too much to bare. She began to make fun of me for it. She would make fun of my face when I dissociated and tell me I was crazy. Then she will deny deny deny that she ever did anything wrong and tell me there was always something wrong with me from birth....hell yes there was and it was HER.

I too am so tired of being told not to victimize ourselves....we were VICTIMS...HELLO...so we tell a child that gets hit in the face by their parents....it's okay they didn't mean it...your not a victim.....bullshit. We were victims...young and innocent which led us to a lifetime of being victimized again by like minded people....those with minds that operate sickly and we are supposed to just smile about it and shut the hell up. No I don't think so. All the while the aggressor gets to go on with life continuing to treat other's like dirt without anyone ever calling them out on it....no it should be exposed and I'm tired of keeping my NM's dirty little secrets. Thanks so much for your response...I am so sorry to all of us who have had to live through this most heinous abuse and then are told it didn't happen or at the very least to not talk about it.

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LSK1999

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Re: She kept telling me she was a good mother....
« Reply #34 on: September 25, 2018, 05:38:27 PM »
Wow. Just, wow. This post is sad yet comforting. My story is similar. My M is slightly different in that she always says "I was such a terrible mother, I feel so guilty/awful, I'm a burden to my kids". We are then expected to act like her human antidepressants. She always told me that I was such a good baby that I'm the reason she went on to have more kids. She remarried and I'm pretty sure he is a sociopath, and I was also told "you should be grateful." Ugghhhh makes me want to puke.

It makes my heart ache to know there are so many wounded children out there. It's taken decades of therapy for me to even recognize what anger feels like. It can be scary because I have learned how to not stuff down or numb out my emotions, but what do I do now?

On the flip side, I have a niece who is absolutely precious. I was babysitting recently and she had a tantrum and was throwing things. I scooped her up and said "you are allowed to be angry, sad, etc. but you are not allowed to throw things." It feels good to know that my sisters and I are doing everything we can to break the generational cycle of abuse.

Take care everyone, and thank you for being brave.

Yes God Bless you and your sisters for ending the cycle :) Thank you for the reminder that we are being brave...it takes a hell of a lot of courage to do what we are doing. We have been programmed in our roles from birth and I still struggle deeply with the F in the FOG...I love your quote here on how abusers make us afraid of the entire world around us to distract us from who we should really fear...them. It's hard to remember when I'm feeling intense anxiety and fear that it has one source...my abuser. It feels like the world is a terrifying place and I still struggle with this deeply and with feelings of helplessness. It's a great reminder to know the source of that fear...it helps to anger me out of it. :) God Bless you and thanks for your kind words.