Recovering from financial abuse anxiety

Started by openskyblue, September 10, 2018, 06:58:30 AM

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openskyblue

A big part of why I left my marriage (and NPD, ASPD ex husband) was the financial abuse he put me through. Most of our marriage, he was the breadwinner with me working for him, being the super caretaker of him and our family. Whenever I tried to get a job, he'd create some financial or business disaster and I'd get pulled back into fixing his business. The last five years of the marriage, every month was a balancing act of money desperation. Can we pay the mortgage, insurance, for gas? I cut back on every expense to keep us afloat, while he went out with his buddies, went to expensive sports games, and took "business trips."

It was tough leaving him, getting a job, taking care of our last kid in college, but I've done it. There is not a spare dollar to spare at the end of the month, but I make that dollar stretch. I still have big legal costs fighting my ex to get the rest of the settlement figured out, but I'm really doing okay. I've gotten a raise, will probably get another this year. I've got 10 more years before retirement, and that scares me, but I'm saving as much as my employer match.

So why am I STILL waking up in a panic at 4am most days? I literally wake up adding up my monthly budget. I'm like a human excel spreadsheet! Have others dealt with this? Does it get better?

I'm starting to think this recurring gnawing worry is not about money as much as it is about fear that financial rug is getting pulled out from under me. In my marriage, as soon as my ex and I were financially okay, he'd do some irresponsible (and even illegal) thing, and we'd be throw us back in financial peril.

Why can't I trust myself that I'll never let that happen again?

:fallingbricks:

GettingOOTF

There was a lot of financial abuse in my marriage and I was the breadwinner which makes it even crazier!

I have been divorced for a few years now. I have zero debt, healthy savings and pretty much do what I want with my money, yet every time I swipe my credit card I get that sick feeling in my stomach. Even though logically I know I never carry a balance on my cards and there is no reason for it not to go through, not to mention there is actual cash in the bank that will more than cover the transaction I still can't just swipe my card without the worry.  Sometimes I have an excuse for the card being denied ready to tell the cashier.

I have to remind myself regularly that I am no longer married to that man and that I am financially stable and secure. I feel like it has gotten better, but I still have a ways to go in this area.

Given everything you've been through I think what you are feeling is normal. You are also still in a situation where money is an issue. It does sound like you are making progress and you should be proud of that.

I don't know why people don't talk about financial abuse, I wish it were easier to talk about.

People don't talk about financial abuse a lot but for me there is nothing worse than that feeling of not knowing where your next dollar will come from and I am still traumatized by all the chaos and fear around money from when I was married and also growing up with my parents.

openskyblue

Getting Out of the FOG, I can't thank you enough for your post. I totally understand that fear of swiping the credit card. It's gotten so I barely use mine. I take out my weekly cash budget and that has to last me. If I do have to order something online and use the card, I feel better if I make a payment to my card in the same amount that day. So yeah, I totally get that fear and anxiety.

That feeling of not knowing where the next dollar will come from -- and if it will come at all -- is terrible. My ex blamed all our money problems on me and gradually squeezed our family budget down to nothing, all while living high on the hog himself and keeping a pricey office downtown. He lied about having clients (when he wasn't actually working for them), made big claims about all the money he was going to make, would buy all sorts of stuff, the so-called client wouldn't pay, and then we'd be broke. I lost count of how many times that happened.

You are right: I should be proud of myself. One thing that really makes me happy is saving money. I put a little aside every week, and that has grown into the beginnings of an emergency fund. My goal is to have 6 months of pay in there.

But at the end of the day, no amount of money saved will really get rid of this awful feeling/panic. I think it may be a one of those time has to pass things. The longer I am financially secure (and the more secure I get), the less I will feel this way. I really hope so.

I'm really glad to hear that you have gotten to such a great financial place in your life. Bravo!

GettingOOTF

QuoteMy ex blamed all our money problems on me and gradually squeezed our family budget down to nothing, all while living high on the hog

I swear they all have an instruction manual they all follow. This was my ex too. I'd take sandwiches to work and he'd eat at fancy restaurants (I just didn't understand how stressful "working from home was"  :roll:).

You will get there. It's awesome that you are able to save money. I never had savings when I was married and it's so great seeing the money build up. It's starts small but before you know it you will be where you want to be.

Associate of Daniel

I've found that not having a credit card at all has been the biggest help. That and having an emergency fund.

By the end of our marriage I wasn't using the credit card. But u/npd exH was spending what he earned on the credit card, on Who Knows What, while I scrambled to find the money to pay it and put food on the table and keep the lights on.(I was a SAH, homeschooling Mum).

I would almost have a panic attack every time the credit card envelope would arrive in the mail.

When he left, I vowed I'd never have a credit card again. The psychological trauma of seeing that envelope each month is not something I ever want to experience again.

I think it's Dave Ramsey who says that he and his wife have an emergency fund for the emergency fund.  I think that's what I need, even though my emergency fund is fairly good right now.

AOD

openskyblue

I love it -- an emergency fund for the emergency fund! 

I'm still paying down credit card debt, but my cash-only rule has really helped with that. Also, I do not buy something unless I need it -- and am a pro at returning things. It's amazing how much our society condones and even encourages "shopping therapy." No thanks!

My ex went shopping every single Saturday. It was like he HAD to go buy something or he'd turn into a toad.

SaltwareS

Part of the financial abuse from my npdParent was the sheer amount of shame heaped on a person anytime they had a financial question. Also if I said "no" to peers who invited me to an expensive event my npdParent would criticize me. Since coming Out of the FOG I've noticed quite a few "wealthy" people like celebrities confess they worried about money for a long long time even after they accumulated wealth.

It seems pretty healthy to worry about money. Also different lines of work are much different in terms of income. For example an author I know doesn't earn anything some years and earns quite a lot other years but she has to set up her own retirement fund.  Some careers end around age 40, other lines of work are quite secure through age 60 and come with a pension fund but no 401k.

Since coming Out of the FOG I'm allowed to worry. I no longer feel shame when I spend time concerned about money. The npdParent would say I was being a "downer" anytime I tried to plan for my financial future. But if I had a question about credit card interest rates, the same parent would shame me for having a balance not paid off in full, and not having all of the latest financial knowledge a priori.

my1wish

Openskyblue,
Thank you so much for sharing this!  It really resonates with me, sounds so familiar to me.
I was married to a very financially irresponsible/ reckless man.  He spent money like nobody's business (especially mine).  Always trying to keep up with the Jones'.  We lived in a home with 5,400 finished square feet.  He would show up at home with a new vehicle, which "he deserved" because he worked hard.  Or buy a brand new boat at a boat show.  Yet we had no savings.  If he made a dime he was out spending a quarter.  Then it became if he THOUGHT he was making a dime he was out spending a quarter.  In a nutshell, he ran his business into the ground.  Got behind on his suppliers.  Used deposits from one job to pay to bring in materials from another job.  Paychecks bounced.  Had a bad reputation in his field.  And the worst of it- stopped paying payroll taxes.  All of this happened without my knowledge.  His office help quit, so I came to work with him, having no idea what was going on.  I came in excited to be working there (youngest just off to kindergarten), only to learn within the first hour the electricity was being turned off.  Gas/water being turned off.  Getting evicted from the building.....owed EVERYONE money.  I wasn't even given so much as a hint of any of this, just walked right into it.  I worked with him for quite some time, clawing our way out of the mess.  We had to put the business into my name just to keep the doors open.  After things got on an even keel and he learned his lesson, I left to start teaching as that had been my career plan.  4 years later, he did the exact same thing again.  Got behind on ALL of it again, including payroll taxes.  The IRS finally notified me- said my x had been saying he would tell me for the past 18 months!  Yet they never told me.  By the time I learned of it, he had racked up half a million dollars IN MY NAME.  And, (drumroll)......was leaving me for another woman.   So he up and left me with 2 kids and half a million dollars of debt in my name.  Our home was on the verge of being seized.......  I felt so stupid.  But really, I just trusted my husband.  Which I should have been able to do..... :stars:
At that time, going to get the mail or driving by a bank made me physically ill.  Answering the phone terrified me.  I knew any day I would be kicked out of our home and the kids and I would have no where to go.  I ended up having to file bankruptcy.  Sat through a meeting with the IRS, thinking I was going to JAIL. :aaauuugh:
It does get better.  But I can still have panic attacks about money.  I can still have anxiety opening the mail.  Or checking my bank account.  I am often scared of some major financial situation happening.  I just have to walk through things logically, talk myself through it.  My situation is not the same now.  I may not have a lot of money, but I don't have debt.  I do not try to keep up with anyone financially.  I changed careers.  I work long and hard to regain some sense of stability.  Our 2 sons are in college, luckily they have earned good scholarships and what is left over is manageable.
To this day, my X is reckless with money.  He gets the boys' health insurance cancelled frequently.  Pays child support late.  Pays tuition late.  In fact, invariably acts surprised that tuition is due.  He got my son's car insurance cancelled- he drove with no insurance for a year.  We had an insurance card, and when I expected a new one that didn't show up I learned that he had stopped paying.  Unfortunately, insurance companies won't/can't alert me to any of that due to confidentiality!  Unbelievable.  All this while he's buying motorcycles, camper, vehicles.....and somehow still living in the huge home (alone) and managed to only make 2 mortgage payments in 3 years.  :sadno:

I will NEVER trust anyone with my financial situation again.  EVER.  I will insist on being involved, transparency, and probably being the one in charge of that area.  But the good thing is I have learned how to do all of that and to trust MYSELF to handle all of that. 
You will get through this, both financially and emotionally.  For me, my faith helps a lot.  Seriously have gone through periods when I was literally "living on a prayer".  But if that is not for you, then do what helps you.  If you need to look at a spreadsheet, do that.  I like to not have any debt and to have emergency funds available.  I have kept a few thousand dollars stashed under my dresser!  Because I was terrified of banks (what if it just disappeared from my account?)  Then I was scared the money would burn up in a fire!  I try to keep my sense of humor about it now and work on all of this logically.
I hope it helps just to know someone else has "been there".

nonpdincoda

Openskyblue,

Thank you for voicing an anxiety I share. I just ended my engagement to uBPD fiance because intense anxiety around finances. I was paying most of the bills and all of the rent, he just kept making less and less. I had never had a credit card, he talked me into getting one for him in my name because he had bad credit, for "our" future, also 3/4 of my paycheck was renting a house he "needed" to expand his plans for a business that never materialized. Now I am the one left with the debt, and I am just now taking back control of my finances. I know I can get back out of debt, I was good with money before him. Sadly this is the second time a relationship sucked me dry financially. This time however is the last.

I was so stressed about the finances I was physically ill and stopped eating (to save on the grocery bill). I too still have a bit of nervousness about checking bank statements, but I only had two years of budgeting pains, five years is a long time to be financially stressed, and a lot of situations arent resolved yet, so it sounds normal.

Associate of Daniel

There are 2 things I did for uNPD exH before we were married.

1.  I sold my car so that he could buy one for himself.

2.  I paid off one of his loans - a consolidation loan he had taken out.  Red flag, anyone?

I look back now and shake my head. What was I thinking?

He had no savings and was in about the same amount of debt to random people/banks/organisations as I was to my one debt, my mortgage. And he wasn't yet 25 years old and was still living with his parents.

I was a fool.

Never again.

AOD

Spygirl

My gosh everyone,

I feel solidarity with all of you and additional fear of whats to come. So many of your stories are so similar to mine.  I worry very much about having a settlement agreement that will be dropped, or conveniently "forgotton" on a regular basis.  He is already trying to strech it from 4 years out to 7 because he is crying poverty, which is a lie. I am aware of whats going on, and trying my best to not give out info about my situation. Its difficult. He is such a good actor. I am in alot of debt, and hoping my tax return will help me a bit, since i will actually get it this time. My PD took all the returns while we were married.

I cant even imagine the stress some of you have endured, to such an extreme level. I hope fate may take pity on me and i win the lottery after the divorce is final! I wish the same for all of you.

openskyblue

Stick to your guns, Spygirl, and focus on putting yourself and your financial security first. I learned this the hard way, but now that my divorce is settled, I am finally and blessedly debt free. I'll be working much later in life than I'd expected, but I won't have to face another tax lien, bankruptcy scare, emptied IRA to pay bills. Sure, financial woes may come into my life, but not like before. I'm seeing already how much calmer my life is without the constant PD-produced financial turmoil — and, boy, does it ever make a difference!

Scythe

I have a lot of anxiety about finances, because my husband works in a financial advisory firm and has much more knowledge and expertise than I do. But apparently (at least in the US) there's such a thing as Certified Divorce Financial Analysts (CDFA). I found one who works at a "fiduciary" firm (this means they are acting in your best interests, rather than getting commissions for putting your money in specific investments or something) near me and contacted her. Since I'm young and don't have a lot of assets to manage yet, she said we could just do a consultation where she would answer any questions I have, for $300 an hour, and that it probably wouldn't take more than an hour. (She's also apparently gone through a difficult divorce, which led her to become certified in this area. Obviously won't be true for all CDFAs) You can find CDFAs near you on the Institute for Divorce Financial Analysts website. In my opinion, it's definitely worth $300 to make sure I don't get taken advantage of and lose way more than $300.

1footouttadefog

I don't at this time have financial worries, but for many years I did due to my pdh leaving jobs at the exact wrong time as well as sabotaging my success in the process.

It was horrible to weigh the hamburger so a dollar could be stretched into another meal.

I have a friend in financial straits.  She is starting to worry about the future.

My advise to her is to look at money in a way that is new to her.  Look at income needs reduction instead of increasing  income.  This has helped her, because decent jobs in her area are hard to come by.

Working at the community garden and with a couple of local farmers she has replaced much of her food expense.

She now sees the value of finishing paying for her rent to own land and mobile home.  It's no longer a 600.00 expense for next three years, but a lifetime 500.00 a month pay raise when she pays it off in three more years (her taxes and insurance will be about 100 a month). 

Not having to pay rent is a huge step towards getting  ready for retirement.  She will have bought this land and mobile home in 6 years.  She can always sell and by elsewhere as needed.

Getting free fire wood all spring summer and fall is income needs reduction for winter heat bills.

It sounds like you have the money management skills to make it work in the long run.  Those lawyer bills will eventually go away and that money will be better spent. You will make it, but it will be hard in the mean time.

Find free ways to get a break.  Take care of yourself.  Hot baths, good coffee, a walk in the park, and so many more things are free or almost free.






openskyblue

Thanks, onefootoutta!  I'm feeling much better about things financially these days. Settlement and house sale complete, no capital gains tax, slowly investing here and there, socking money into my 401K and medical expenses pre-tax account. All these things are the normal things people have done for years, but I couldn't because anything that smacked of a step towards financial security my ex would find a way to cancel out.

My standard of living is significantly below what it was when I was married, but I can afford my life and I'm saving. In my book, it doesn't get better than that. I have many more working years left to go, but that's okay. I'm building a secure future for myself.