Does God have room for me?

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April86

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Does God have room for me?
« on: October 03, 2018, 02:24:47 AM »
I need to vent...
I converted to Catholicism when i was 20, i convinced my uNPDM to convert too. When she converted everything changed, she changed. Everything I said and did was a sin, my sense of humor was now filthy and vulgar. My mother started alienating me. When I was honest and told her that I felt like I'm losing my best friend (that's the relationship we always had.) She smugly replied "Well sometimes the Lord will ask for big sacrifices." I was so hurt, this along with issues we already had led me to got out more, to drink more. I felt abandoned by my M and my parish. They "loved" me when I volunteered and went to mass, it's like they resented me for ruining their perfect image they had of me. I confided in priests and nuns only to be condescended and dismissed, because "honor thy mother/father." 

One day my M calculated tirade of verbal abuse led me to a suicidal breakdown that required hospitalization. Whem my priest and nun visited, i was told "your M is an orphan, she doesn't know how to love. Leave her alone." I'm in a psych hospital and they're telling me to leave her alone!. When one priest did offer to help, he gifted me books to read. Theology of the Body and the diary of St. Faustina. My M would take them, then tell me how illuminating the books were. I guess she didn't think I was worthy of salvation.

I am now a 32 yr old married sober homebody, I am also now a lapsed Catholic, I am content with all these things. My M is still very much a devout Catholic in the Neocathecumenal Way. It's almost an obsession now. I've accepted for the most part that my mother was really a stranger and I have abandoned pursuing a relationship with her. It just still baffles me that by inspiring her to convert, she turned it into  a weapon and pointed it back at me, and it worked.

I don't want to remain cynical about Christianity and God. But i won't live a lie. I thought Christianity teaches being honest with our flaws and accepting reality. So why perpetuate the lie that all mothers love their children? Why put people seeking spiritual refuge back into harm's way? I think finding your own self worth is more important than having a family "make up." There was no family to begin with.



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Julian R

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #1 on: October 03, 2018, 06:41:01 AM »
Dear April

My short answer is that God does have room for you ...  :)

But I am very sorry that you have had a bad experience with the Church and with how your M used or abusively misused her "faith".  Nevertheless, please do not allow the serious failings of the Church or of Christians to invalidate the existence of God or to distort who he is and what he can do.

I think Christians have a huge amount to learn about how to handle people and situations where DPs are in play.  Christians can fall into the trap of an over optimistic idealism and think that these situations are easy to fix with simplistic solutions, when the reality is they are not, and that they demand different approaches - but approaches that can still reflect Biblical / Godly trusts and values.

I too am often baffled by what you have been through and the journey to a healthy understanding of God and a return to or strengthener of faith will take time but I trust that here you will find people with the care and wisdom to accompany you along the way.

One refrain in the Bible is that God is compassionate, patient and merciful ... wherever you are at now, he has plenty of room in his heart for you and wants to take you to a better place.

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Adria

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #2 on: October 03, 2018, 10:07:18 AM »
Dear April,

Yes, God has room for you.

I agree with Julian.  I don't know why your mother did the things she did. I don't understand why the church does and says some of the things they do. Seems there can be many pat answers coming from churches. Maybe because people and pastors haven't lived some of the tragedies we have lived, so don't know the right things to say. They can't counsel you if they haven't been through it themselves.

The church is made up of imperfect people just like us. I have spoken to a few pastors about problems in my life, and the pastors I listened to from the pulpit for years totally shocked me when I was at my lowest points. They would have crushed me if I let them. But, it is not about them. It is about God. You and God.

Please never let what someone else says or does take away your faith in God or your relationship with God. That is giving someone else the power to decide for you about your relationship with God. Nobody has that right. People will constantly fail us, but God stays true even if we think things should have turned out differently or we don't understand the pain in our life. He says He will never leave us or forsake us.

Again, I am so sorry. This life sure can be a tricky road with many a twisted turn. Hugs, Adria



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Summer Sun

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #3 on: October 03, 2018, 11:33:53 AM »
April86, God Has room for you.  Even though your F or M has forsaken you, God will not abandon you. 

In my journey OOTF and dealing with the trauma of my childhood what I found was Pastors or Priests weíre not equipped to help me.  They were scripturally knowledegeable but not educated in physchology, PDís, toxic and dysfunctional family systems.  Some messages reinforced the shame and guilt I grew up with.  I thought I had to be perfect for God to love me, and. Had to love and forgive everyone who abused me.  This is simply not true.

My therapist helped me process and understand the trauma.  My therapist identify the family system, my role as SG.  A Psychologist gave me permission if the pain was too much to bear, I could break from the FOO, for 3, 6, 9 months or as long as I needed.  Itís been almost 2 years and I donít know if I will ever go back.  God does not want us to tolerate abuse.  There is scripture to support this. 

Now, I attend a fairly open church, an inclusive, open minded, non shaming church.  Not every week.  I read other faith based authors which has helped me understand that God loves me unconditionally. Not because of my works or behaviors but because of his grace.  I do not have to earn, pay or compete for His love, it is a free gift. 

There is a support website for Christians that are recovering from abuse, Luke something.  Sorry I am just on the fly right now, but google if interested or others may provide a link.

God loves you.  So glad you are here.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #4 on: October 03, 2018, 03:02:45 PM »
Hi, April.

It's 3am so I need to be brief.

My minister in his morning sermon last week posed the question " How much are you worth?" He wasn't meaning moneywise.

Well, we are worth the fact that Jesus died for us.

And that about says it all.

So, God very definitely has room for you.

And I, for one, am so thankful.

AOD


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coyote

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #5 on: October 03, 2018, 03:16:54 PM »
April it seems to me you have already found your way. You did this despite the hypocrisies of church members, priests, nuns, and your mother. You have found your own self worth and should be congratulated for this. Priests are seldom able to help much because the don't have the training to do so. IME they often make matters worse. You have found your own true image of God and of course he has plenty of room for you.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Starboard Song

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #6 on: October 03, 2018, 03:52:22 PM »
I don't want to remain cynical about Christianity and God. But i won't live a lie. I thought Christianity teaches being honest with our flaws and accepting reality. So why perpetuate the lie that all mothers love their children? Why put people seeking spiritual refuge back into harm's way? I think finding your own self worth is more important than having a family "make up." There was no family to begin with.

I suggest being cynical about the people or institutions who did a poor job of service to you.

God -- the one you know and worship in your own way -- was not a part of it.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Adria

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Re: Does God have room for me?
« Reply #7 on: October 03, 2018, 07:03:27 PM »
I think the website Summer Sun is speaking of is Luke 17.3 Ministries.  It's a wonderful site. I found a lot of healing there. :yes: