uNPD M and uNPD S a triangulation story...Need advice!

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Hopelessly stuck

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uNPD M and uNPD S a triangulation story...Need advice!
« on: October 06, 2018, 07:31:50 PM »
I have been trying to figure out a way to get advice on These problems I am having... Sorry so long...

The Planned Trip: Mother planned a trip home to see her Sisters and Family Members and to visit graveyards and get some information I could Not get online. She asks My niece and child to go with her paying ALL expenses. I felt a little bit hurt about it because I have been doing ALL this work for years. I did not say anything though. It is her choice to take whomever She wants. Just before the trip commences uNPDM  Offers me to go along IF I pay 1/2 of ALL expenses and $200. for oil changes and maintenace for her Car. I flat OUT refused. Saying You were going anyway so why should I have to pay car repairs. I also flat out said that I would be willing to pay for 1/3 of the expenses and NOT 1/2. Neice is not My child and why should I pay for her?

I started doing genealogy for MY MoM 15 years ago and ended up liking it. Mom has many pictures of Family members that are 75 years old. I have spent lots of money over the years for software and access to the sites I need to do the research. She and I agreed that when I got all the brick Walls broken I could scan and upload the pictures to the Family Tree I have developed. Mom and I were getting together and She was supposed to bring those pictures so I could upload them. She didn't. I got hot, She got hot and told me she'd let me copy them when She WAS dead. Then She said Blank Name why are You being so ridiculous.  I got mad slammed the cover on My laptop and left her sitting at D's house.  She was going on a trip and needed some copies of things for the trip related to family Members. I texted her later on asking the dates of the trip and was going to mail what She needed. I didn't get an answer-back! That was in Late May.  I hadn't talked to her since.

Jan.2018:

One of My great uncles who had never been married didn't have a tombstone. I looked up a price for a nice one online, was going to see how much it cost and have it installed before HER TRIP HOME. She flat out told me I am, not going to pay for XXX's tombstone, UNCLE XXX  should have paid for it. I drop the subject and NEVER HEAR about It again!

On Her Trip, She decides to buy a tombstone:

So, since she is mad at me, goes ahead and purchases a stone without consulting ME on anything. I don't hear anything, but I do get a picture... Suddenly She tells me I owe XXX for said tombstone.  Her cost was 200. more then I estimated it would be. I felt like I could afford $150-200. During this time She has the snotty voice and passive aggressive toward me. SHE HUNG UP ON ME!  I know she is still mad about Me walking and leaving her at D's house, Not paying for 1/2 for the trip and maintenance costs. I put her ON LNC. She is wanting Me to go on a trip 800 miles away with Me late in OCT. She is withholding information I need that She'd got from the VA. She is calling me (BECAUSE SHE NEEDS ME) to look up and email her information. ( another Gets ahold of me when they need something)

UPD SISTER:

My Sister has continuously blamed me for many things mostly involving me Terrorizing her and sabotaging her house, hacking her phone, and many other things she comes up with to attack me. She decided to move closer to UNPD MOM and My D. I helped her ( dummy me) and borrowed Her $400. to pay the first months rent and deposit and the next month I borrowed her $200. (She tried to tell Me I said I would borrow her $400. again.) GASLIGHTING? I denied that and borrowed her $200. She did pay ALL the money back on time. She then borrowed $65. to get through ther month.  She also borrowed H's pick-up for a whole month and put 1200 miles on it.

During this time I would try and call her and always get a voice mail. When I asked her about My call She always had an excuse. I started to feel USED again. She would call me when She needed something from me and block My Calls. when I wanted to talk to her. I was nice to her and would stop over at her house to visit and She would attack me for her perceived Sabotaging, Terrorizing, HACKING HER phone, And gossip She' d heard about her that she was sure She'd told me (she hadn't) ( I am a loner and the person, she thought I'd TALKED TO I HADN'T TALKED TO IN 4 YEARS.)  She was bullying Me putting Me down, and I was being triggered.

 She looked like the devil during this accusation. I had a Flashback/ got triggered and decided that I was going to cut contact OFF with her AFTER she paid me the $65.  I didn't have time to do that...We went to an outdoor pregame event and I had to go to the bathroom inside the restaurant. It seemed normal to me?!  She got mad and texted Me (She does that attacks and block You so You can't give a response.) saying I know what You are doing going to the BATHROOM.  :stars:    She told me IF I wanted to see her I was going to have to meet her at the local Micky D's. I still don't understand what me needing to go to the bathroom had to do with anything.

I politely told her that It was OK She felt that way I was NOT GOING TO MEET her at Micky D's and I felt it was better for US to just cut OFF contact. I actually felt quite good about standing up for Myself and setting boundaries. I never heard from her again. I tried to get ahold of nephew to get My Money and the date was moved forward 14 days, and now it had been OVER a MONTH. I still don't hear anything about it.

Status:

AFTER MOM hung up on me she called reminding me about OUR trip. SIS has been invited to go also. I tell Mom truthfully that I don't want to go with her because SIS has been triggering me and I was NOT GOING TO HAVE A NERVOUS BREAKDOWN AGAIN BECAUSE OF SISTER. She said "Well I think that is just an excuse You use when It is convenient!  She said IF YOU DON'T want to go with SIS then don't go. JUST LIKE ALWAYS HAPPENS WITH uNPD MOM Nothing I think OR feel is important! I thought about the whole thing. I wrote a polite email saying with Me and Sis's relationship that I thought that I'd better stay at home I did not want to ruin it for her and SIS. I really did want to go but I am so tired of ALL this DRAMA!  My genealogy has lead to the discovery of MOM to find a niece and Nephew she didn't even know she had! She Is beaming ABOUT ALL the NEW supply ShE is gEtting.

I am feeling a lot happier with Myself.   :like: I have broken the triangulation, I am LC with uNPD MOM and NC with UBPD Sister. Mom is still mad about me not paying her for ALL of the 1/2  of the tombstone. She still has that voice when She calls Me. Whatever Sis told her about the fight, she tends to side with Sister, Since She Hung Up on Me I wait for her to call me. 

Well, She does...She doesn't mention ANYTHING about what I said about MY feelings and JUST says. Well, I want You to come on Thursday night and we are going to leave early in the Am. I am gobsmacked!! :stars: :stars: :aaauuugh: 

The ONE THING I DO KNOW!!! She can still keep SIS under control> I really do want to go. I just don't know what to do...SO I AM LOOKING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF for some insight on all this! Thank You ahead for Your responses.  Keepon
Controllers, abusers and manipulative people donít question themselves. They donít ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else. Darlene Ouimet

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notrightinthehead

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Re: uNPD M and uNPD S a triangulation story...Need advice!
« Reply #1 on: October 07, 2018, 04:02:41 AM »
It really sounds awful how your mother and sister treat you. I get the impression that you still are prepared to interact with and assist your mother when she asks for you. But when you want something from her, she keeps you waiting or denies you your request. This seems to frustrate you. Maybe you could in future bargain with her? Something along the lines: Yes mum, I will get you the documents as soon as you have given me the pictures I want to scan. And then leave it at that. Not JADE, just state your conditions and then repeat them, ....as I have said before, I will do X once you have done Y..... if she argues.
I have also found that it helps me to make a plan and rigorously stick to it, when interacting with PDs.
I can't hate my way into loving myself.

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daughter

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Re: uNPD M and uNPD S a triangulation story...Need advice!
« Reply #2 on: October 07, 2018, 11:55:39 AM »
Seems like in your FOO Family there's both different rules for different people, as well as different responsibilities/rewards for different people.  I suspect you're the dutiful daughter, who reliably helps when asked, and helps when help is needed.  Maybe your sister is the taker, who often needs that help, rarely if ever gives help. and is reliably difficult.  And so for you, you feel no good deed goes unpunished, while your sister flounces about, irresponsible, needy, demanding, and emotionally-exhausting, while your mother enables both her bad behavior and her lack of reliable adult-maturity,  So, you often feel push-pulled between conflicting feelings, wanting to go on this trip, not wanting to go on this trip, because you're subconsciously anticipating another unpleasant experience of being the grown-up to your sister's antics, and feeling unwanted, by your sister's and mother's alternate indifference and accusatory statements.

This is mean girls in the playground behaviors you're experiencing from mom and sis.  They're their own little club of mutual enabling, enmeshment, and inappropriate expectations and demands.  There's little practically-speaking that you can do to "fix it".  But you can acknowledge that dysfunctional dynamic, detach yourself from your own dutiful daughter/sister role, and distance yourself from their shenanigans.  You want to go on the trip?  So go, but firmly monitor your boundaries.  You will pay for your share of expenses, no more, no matter how much your mother or sister presses you to "go half".  You will ignore your mother's hoovers and prods, your sister's provocations and rudeness, and focus on trip experience itself, the genealogy aspect.  You will consciously ignore the favoritism and enmeshment between mom and sis, and focus on bonding experience with your daughter, or create me-time head-space for yourself, where you remain quietly disengaged from their dysfunctional (and potentially mean) behaviors.

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Hopelessly stuck

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Re: uNPD M and uNPD S a triangulation story...Need advice!
« Reply #3 on: October 07, 2018, 09:45:47 PM »
Thank You so much for Your reply. I had a whole post to talk about All of the things You said. It disappeared! :(( . A little bit later on I will compose another one.
I like the boundaries You set. Perhaps If I get Myself mentally ready...I can do it.
Controllers, abusers and manipulative people donít question themselves. They donít ask themselves if the problem is them. They always say the problem is someone else. Darlene Ouimet