disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague

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desertpine

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disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« on: October 06, 2018, 05:14:18 PM »
 Three months have passed since I left a toxic work environment and I am so much happier now! I want to share parts of the letter my uNPD colleague left for me because I want some feedback about it.  Some background: I worked for over 5 years with this person in a small office suite. We were both in private practice - I was just starting out and she had been in that space for over 30 years. She put the letter on a desk and left the office. It was my last day working with her and after 3 months of being on the receiving end of a hostile silent treatment.

She went on to list her grievances against me - that I pathologized her by saying she was an anxious workaholic and ruminates; I assumed she didn't have self-knowledge when I didn't want to hear her explanations for behavior that I found troubling; lavish use of disdain and contempt she associates with adolescents, controlling a conversation by determining how it went and when it ended, and 'setting terms that made future dialogue impossible.'
She commented on how I had contacted two mutual friends and told them that she was no longer talking to me and that we had irreconcilable differences. 
So- the letter was two pages long, typed, single spaced. She said more things about my lacking in interpersonal skills and poor anger management - specifically in response to an argument we had in March where she was upset I watered a plant that was wilting and worried that I had watered all the plants, thus resulting in the plants all being overwatered because I had not followed her schedule for watering the plants. (and she is offended I called that level of worry a sign of anxiety!)

Of course, there are some nuggets of truth in her letter. But overall, it now sounds to me that she is inflating herself and blaming me for how our relationship ended. She thinks highly of herself and can not fathom that I could not like her or that she contributed to our fall out. Some of it sounds like gas-lighting and projecting. Overall, it has the feeling of narcissistic rage. 

But I am too close to the situation to really see this...My heart pounds when I read the letter...I shake a bit. It's very upsetting. I showed it to my T and we have talked about it. I'm wondering what others might see in these excerpts.  The view she gives in this letter is very different than my experience - at times it makes me question my reality. I wanted to believe she was the way she described herself, but my experience is that underneath the image she tries to uphold, she is an insecure and vulnerable person with a fragile sense of self. It took me years to see it but once I did, I saw more and more signs that I needed to move on. I'm still trying to unpack some of this but it is having less and less of an impact on me. I'm a bit amused that she lashes out and blames me for doing things to her, things that she is actually doing herself. Like she said I used a scorched earth and burning bridges approach to end our relationship.... that made me laugh because the letter she wrote is doing just that, far more than anything I did. It's a great gaslighting example.
Anyway - feedback and support would be appreciated...
by the way...I've gone NC with her ever since I left and that feels really good...




« Last Edit: October 07, 2018, 12:46:27 AM by Latchkey »

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D.Dan

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #1 on: October 06, 2018, 05:49:04 PM »
One of the things I'm picking up on is how she's telling you what you are feeling, why took the actions you took, and the purpose you had behind interactions with herself and others. I think it might be thought policing?

I agree with all the other traits you listed too. But that one seems a bit covert yet more impeding upon your personhood, I was feeling it very strongly in your description of the letter. That she was telling you what you were feeling, and why you were feeling that way.

My upd ex sent me an email while I was in the homeless shelter with our autistic children trying to get a PO against him. It was more invalidation, projection, gaslighting, and abuse. The more time that passes, the more off the wall the email seems, and the less it disturbs me other than as proof there is something wrong with my ex.

I'm glad you're in a better work environment. :bighug:

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desertpine

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #2 on: October 06, 2018, 06:13:57 PM »
Thank you D.Dan - that fits with interactions I had with her when she'd mix up her pronouns and say 'you' when she meant 'I'. Like I was thinking about putting blinds up and she said "you want to put up a shade, not blinds becaue you don't want blinds with curtains." She continued to say how I want to get ones just like hers.   So yes, she did tend to tell me what I thought, felt, and wanted when it was actually her own thoughts, feelings and preferences!  Never knew that was thought policing - thank you for pointing that out!

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D.Dan

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #3 on: October 06, 2018, 06:22:14 PM »
It's a fine line between thought policing and projection but I believe thought policing involves telling you what you can and cannot think, which starts by telling you what you are thinking (even if you're not thinking what they are telling you, you are). Pretty confusing...

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haster

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #4 on: October 07, 2018, 03:12:13 AM »
I don't understand why this letter is still troubling you...
I suggest going NC with it and move onto more productive realms of life.
It's just a way that your ex-colleague has retained control over you. You don't need it. You don't need to think about it any more than you need to think about her.
Tear it up and find something more pleasant to read. You'll probably feel much better.

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Orthocone

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #5 on: October 07, 2018, 04:02:53 AM »
Wow!  So much energy in one letter.  What I always wonder is, how do they keep track of all the games they play?  Is this something that's just inborn or what?  They always seem know exactly what they're doing.  It's creepy actually.

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desertpine

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #6 on: October 07, 2018, 02:09:50 PM »
Really good point Haster. Thank you. I don't know why. I did this to myself - I chose to keep the letter and then to re-read it and engage with it. I guess a part of me was believing that I should be able to read it and not be bothered by it - that I should be strong enough to do that. But what happend is I felt angry and hurt all over again and then acted on those feelings by posting it and wanting others to join in on putting her down.  I see that now and regret my actions.  :-[I feel a bit ashamed. But also appreciative of the lesson learned.
Lesson learned - reading the letter and thinking it would be a sign of strength if I didn't feel hurt by it, would be as foolish as touching a hot stove and thinking it would be a sign of strength to not feel the pain from the burn. 
I agree that it is time to toss the letter - to let go of it and get on with my life.  :thumbup:

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Maisey

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #7 on: October 07, 2018, 04:33:49 PM »
I have seen years of letter writing campaigns by my ILs to be pretty confidant to tell you: Its all about her, always has been and always will be.

There have been some retaliations that would not have been considered "nice", and from the outside I have thought the better response would have been to ignore the letter bombs, but in my head gave the responding party a big "yeah" when they got the last word/action. A couple of times being asked to "help" clean up retaliation vandalism on ILs property, I saw the light and refused to help again. It was clear the ILs were not intending to contribute any effort to the clean up.

People can be expected to  react negatively  to negative things, and twisted, inflated versions of the truth.

M.

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NotFooled

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #8 on: October 08, 2018, 11:54:32 AM »
IIt's just a way that your ex-colleague has retained control over you.

yep this exactly!  The fact that she felt she had to write this crazy 2 page  letter is telling.

Regardless of whether you watered the plants too much or said something she didn't like, a normal person wouldn't respond this way.   A normal person would  just move on, especially in a collegiate relationship, .
People that want to control and hurt act this way.  She sounds like a very unstable person I would ignore the letter and go NC.  I wouldn't even respond.

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clara

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Re: disturbing letter from uNPD ex-colleague
« Reply #9 on: October 08, 2018, 12:13:03 PM »
The same thing happened to me, desertpine, except it happened before I finally quit that job and for reasons I'm unsure of to this day--she possibly had NPD but I would guess she was actually closer to being a sociopath, but who knows and at this stage I really don't care.  Anyway, it hurt and confused me a great deal because I was willing to believe what she said...because she knew my weakness and was deliberately pushing some buttons she knew she could push and get away with.  At that time I wasn't in therapy, had never heard of PDs etc.  So I was willing to take the blame because I didn't know how to fight back.  It was easier to quit my job than continue dealing with her.  But one thing I did do, and I'm glad I did, was leave the letter on her desk and refuse to take possession of it.  I suppose, subconsciously, I knew she was full of it and the letter was mostly lies and her attempt to cover for her own behavior.  In fact, a year or so after leaving that job I ran into a former co-worker who told me what a horror this person became and how messed up the entire office was becoming due to no one being willing to rein her in.  In cases like this, it's really important to not take ownership of what's not yours.  PDs and others depend on you doing exactly this in order to get away with their behavior.