hi, again... upd, abuse, lies, cheating

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hi, again... upd, abuse, lies, cheating
« on: October 07, 2018, 07:48:54 PM »

its been a good week, so its odd timing to come here to post. 

  this is not my first go-round with a pd person... i didnt mean to get trauma bonded again.  i feel shame and guilt on top of confusion from gaslighting, abuse and great loving.   
  my first pd experience was so extreme that this guy seemed like a cream puff.  but two + yrs in... the abuse, lies and cheating, lack of care for my feelings, violence... and wtf i am doing allowing this behavior in my life again... to the point of illness, missing out on creating a happy life with my family and community (youngest still at home, son 15)...  :sadno:... ultimate stupidity. 

if i act like a blow up doll with no feelings then everything goes fine.  if im there to give love only, he receives it, we have a good time.  but if i have an emotion then im degraded, called names etc.  if i ask a basic question about his day or work im met with anger, if i touch his phone or get close to his lies/cheating then im met with violence. 

the confusion is that if he doesnt perceive a threat he's pretty cool and funny.  i never question if he is attracted to me, he's loving, super affectionate and expressive of gratitude and love for me.  he just has no tolerance or aptitude for any of my emotions and can barely offer anything to my needs.  i have trauma amnesia from learning quick suppression of my emotions so we can roll through (lies, violence etc.) without escalation.   

he only ever wants to hang out at night and im so lonely from not being welcome in his life.  my head is starting to spin.  :stars:   
  i just dont understand what im dealing with. 

  i feel so far from myself's true expression of love and care for my family but, i dont know how to break the cycle in myself.  usually i would retreat for a few days car camping and self care but get so afraid of more cheating and lies that im stuck in the cycle of caretaking the relationship at the detriment of everything else.  i've lost work, friends and estranged family because of the traumatic stress constancy. 

im about to open a business where im engaged with people and having a hard time integrating the parts of myself that must be continuously suppressed to roll with the r/s.   

ugh... this sounds as pathetic and confused as i feel.  the trauma bond can be so tricky. 
i would like to understand whats going on for him.  the affection is so there and sensual pleasures off the hook its painful to lose that and its definitely the hook for me.  if i could just "do me" during the day and not care about his wanderings, settle for the affection... would be ok if there were honesty.  its this gaslighting and hiding and secrets that turn to violence that keep me down.    :-X

any insight, thoughts, reflections most definitely welcome!  and thank you thank you thank you



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Re: hi, again... upd, abuse, lies, cheating
« Reply #1 on: October 08, 2018, 11:53:06 AM »
Welcome a littlebitofsun,

I don't have first-hand experience of dealing with a PD or PD suspected partner, but I do know there are lots of people who do on this forum and you will find support and tools when you explore the 'chosen', 'working on us' boards for example.

You don't sound pathetic or confused, you are like many of us making the first step to figuring out how best to tackle the difficult issues that are making our lives painful and challenging to navigate.

Trauma bonding is painful and even if you may not  'understand what is going on for him', you may find ideas and answers to why you got trauma bonded again.

There is a lot of info and guidance in the Toolbox which could be a starting point for you and I hope to see you on the boards.

Take care.
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"I keep it simple." said light
"One day at a time" - Lemn Sissay

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'We accept the love we think we deserve' Stephen Chbosky



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Re: hi, again... upd, abuse, lies, cheating
« Reply #2 on: October 09, 2018, 09:24:22 AM »
I don't think you are pathetic at all. We all know how it can make your head spin. I didn't have so much of the affection which I craved so much as I was starving. That must be so hard. Affection and distance like that. Good luck on here. You are in good company



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Re: hi, again... upd, abuse, lies, cheating
« Reply #3 on: October 12, 2018, 12:38:18 AM »
Welcome back alittlebitofsun,
Sorry you find yourself here but please don't feel angry or ashamed at this happening again. I have been married twice to men with PDs... have PDs in my FOO, friends, co-workers, step children.... There is always a wonderful and engaging side to a person with a PD. It's just that after time and intimacy and usually both, that you begin to see what is going on.
Whatever you decide we are here to listen and support. Take it easy on yourself and take a break from the r/s and don't do anything until you realize what you want and need to do, and focus on your business and family as much as you are able in the meantime.

Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.