Removing adult child from the home

Started by momnthefog, October 17, 2018, 08:44:57 PM

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bloomie

What a beautiful update. Thanks for sharing it with us! :hug:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Latchkey

This sounds so much easier for you all! Wow, It truly takes a village .... and thankfully you've got support in place for yourself and for him and he's using it. Take some deep breaths and enjoy the season.

:cheer: :cheer: :cheer:
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

Adria

Momnthefog,

That is awesome!  I am so happy for you and your son. Man, what a difference a day can make! This is definitely an answer to prayer.  :hug:
For a flower to blossom, it must rise from the dirt.

momnthefog

We are now 1.5 months away from 1 May.

In the past month son got a PT job at a grocery store through a contact at church.  He got a second job almost FT hours (completely on his own) at the public library.  I'm very proud of this accomplishment bc it was accomplished without a friend/family member stepping in.

Fri I'm having the "you are still moving out" conversation with him. 

baby steps.....baby steps.....



"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

hhaw

:whew::.

So glad to read your update, momnthefog: )
hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

Latchkey

Really great update. This sounds so much better than last year this time! So happy he is doing better and now has 2 jobs!!
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

bloomie

The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Mommacon

(I think I'm getting the hang of using this forum. )
Momnfog, such good news. How does your son respond to praise? Some bpds regress, some thrive. If he responds well, let him know how pleased you are with his jobs and that you knew he could do it! But also remember that the fear of abandonment may cause him to self sabotage so you won't "leave" him. I don't know how you two normally interact, but assure him you won't abandon him if he starts doing well. Does that make sense? My bpd daughter has made great strides because she now believes I will not reject her. She's actually thinking of moving in with a high school friend. I'm terrified but thankful she is being more confident. I still don't know how to view replies, if I have any 😂

bloomie

Momnthefog forgive the slight detour from your thread...

Mommacon - to view replies in threads you have either started or posted in like this one go to the upper right hand corner of your screen under your profile name and click "Updated Topics".  You can ask any questions you may have on Board Questions found here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?board=3.0 and FAQ where you will find additional help is here: https://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?topic=48572.0
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

momnthefog

It's a couple months out and I wanted to let everyone know that my son is still doing really well.

He's working both jobs.  Has an interview for an apprentice program.  Has paid 90% towards buying his car from me.   

He's in counseling which I am certain has helped. 

It's honestly like I have my kid back. 

I'm pretty sure taking away the internet access to his personal computer (which is still not restored and never will be) was a HUGE factor in driving him to reflect and make change.

One small step.

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

hhaw

Glad to hear that update, momnthefog!

My dd18's T said the same thing regarding removal of electronics,.   It makes space for reflection.

It's miserable to hold boundaries, but necessary.

I'm so happy for you: )

My dd18 is still lined up for graduation in June.  She's helpful in the kitchen, and seems pretty upbeat, in general.  Youngest is always exhausted, and her neurofeedback brain scan shows her brain is always revving on high..... which helped her understand the exhaustion.  She's looking forward to the 3 weeks of brain training to calm her brain.



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

bloomie

Such progress momnthefog!

Happy for you, too HHaw!

Grateful for both of your families that you are seeing these changes and have been able to hold the line even when it is truly miserable to do so.
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Latchkey

Awesome to hear all around! Thanks for the updates and hopeful for the summer and beyond !
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

openskyblue

Wow! Congratulations!  This is such a fantastic turnaround. I hope he keeps heading in that good direction. And that you are getting some well-deserved time to yourself.

practical

Really happy for you and for him as well as your other kids. A more quiet life & home is good for everybody. Sending you good thoughts that he keeps following this trajectory.
If I'm not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when I'm only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when?" (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

momnthefog

Update on my son's progress.

About 2 months ago, son was abruptly fired from job at library.  This is son who is physically disabled.  Based on my conversation with him and the timeline it seemed that the new supervisor refused to allow any accommodation when asked, refused to talk to the vocational support team he had.  After a couple of days, he decided to talk to EEOC and a complaint was filed on his behalf.  He is still waiting for the outcome.  But I was proud of him for advocating for himself. 

In the meanwhile he was still working at the grocery store....so he learned a valuable lesson about having a PT job in reserve.  The grocery store increased his hours.  And he was recently posted about on FB (his disability is very obvious) in a very nice way calling out the grocery store for giving him a chance.

And....he decided that he didn't want to be a store clerk the rest of his life.  He wants to go to nursing school.  So he's taking a 16 week course part time at a hospital to be a personal care technician.  And he will be paying for that with his savings.

Its been pretty smooth sailing the past few months.  We did but heads about him continuing to pay ($200) rent while he was saving for his education....I directed him to Dave Ramsey, his younger sister who works, is in high school and taking EMT courses, and his brother and his wife who both work full time and have a baby and are students.....he stopped talking. 

My biggest take away is consistent guide rails.....its was hell getting here, but we are at a place where there's peace in the house and progress. And I can live with that.

Thanks for listening!

momnthefog
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."

bloomie

What a beautiful update momnthefog! Wow!!!! :applause:
The most powerful people are peaceful people.

The truth will set you free if you believe it.

Latchkey

Awesome news. I admire your perseverance and his as well. It is so great to hear he is advocating for himself. Awful though about the circumstances....
What is your plan to do with your one wild and precious life?
-Mary Oliver
-
I can be changed by what happens to me but I refuse to be reduced by it.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

momnthefog

For the last week son has been very testy.

Tells me he's tired of trying to please me.  Says he's comfortable and doesn't need to work more than 12 hours a week.  meanwhile, EVERY time I come home I find him on the home computer (which has limited memory and functions) playing a game.

I remind him that I work 40+ hours, his disabled sister works 40+ as an intern with NO pay, his 17 yo sister works, goes to high school AND is enrolled in EMT at local community college at night, that his brother and SIL with a toddler both work and are going to night school.

He just shrugs and says he's comfortable where he is and doesn't see a need to work any more than he is.   :aaauuugh:

I contact his father (my ex).....who I learn told him that he'd help him financially with the program he starts in Jan.....so, son has decided he doesn't "need" me b/c dad is footing the bill....and he doesn't need to do any more than the minimum to get by.

I want to scream.

Thankfully, I had a good conversation with xH who is going to sit down with son today.....will it fundamentally change son, no.

Sadly no.....this is who he is....all I by myself is some temporary peace.

momnthefog

I've removed the games from my computer and hidden the mouse and keyboard.
"She made broken look beautiful and strong look invincible.  She walked with the universe on her shoulders and made it look like a pair of wings."