would love some advice.....

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my1wish

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would love some advice.....
« on: October 21, 2018, 07:54:10 PM »
So, to make a very long story short, I'm going through my 3rd divorce.  3rd cheating, lying husband.  After several years of emotional abuse and me trying everything humanly possible to "fix" and "save" the marriage, I got a phone call from his long term mistress and suddenly it all made sense.  I left him, actually somewhat grateful for my "get out of jail free" card.
 After a LOT of therapy, self discovery, books, etc.....  I am trying to identify how I end up in destructive, abusive relationships.  I am just now starting to understand.....personality disorders, narc/codependency relationships, etc.  I am working so hard on MYSELF.  I am determined to not get into a relationship like that again and would love any advice/ tips/ insight any of you may have.  I have also identified other relationships in my life that fall into the pattern of being destructive, abusive, being manipulated, used, exploited and have successfully walked away from a couple of "friendships" in the past year or so.  These are HUGE steps for me!  It goes against every grain for me to say "no" to someone or risk "offending" them.  However, I am learning that it can be very refreshing to just stand up for myself and what is best for me!"
So now, I have learned some things and "survived" this last break up, done the self work, got the kids off to college, faced the empty nest.  But I find myself isolating, avoiding social situations.  At first I allowed myself to "cocoon" after the kids left as it was difficult for me, but I need to start getting out there.  Building my new life.  I have a plan.....start exploring new career opportunities, explore new hobbies and interests, get more involved in church and volunteering......
I would love to make some new friends and some day even consider dating again.  But I am wondering if I can figure out how not to attract that kind of relationship.  I feel like I don't trust my own judgement (with good reason!)   I have literally been told by friends, family and even a psychic (whom I just saw one time at a party where she was the "guest") that I attract "every kind of ------------ and -----------.  I guess you can fill in the blanks as name calling is not allowed here.
Any advice for how to weed that out in the future?
 :stars:

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bruceli

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Re: would love some advice.....
« Reply #1 on: November 18, 2018, 06:08:49 PM »
Why do think you attract and choose these types of individuals?
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn’t mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

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Whiteheron

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Re: would love some advice.....
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2018, 09:21:42 AM »
Kris Godinez (youtube) talks about this a lot. It's her belief that we need to work on our 'original wound' before we are able to break out of our patterns. There's something we were missing/lacking in one of our caregivers and this is the hole we are trying to fill with out partners (for me- angry and controlling men). She recommends a lot of books to help - one is called "The Inner Child Workbook" I've taken the first step of buying the book, but it's been months and I haven't yet cracked it open.

I brought this subject up to my T. I expressed my concerns that after two bad relationships (one two years, the other a 20 year marriage), that I would attract and fall for the same type of man again. She said "well, you're self-aware now..."  :oh:  I'm not entirely sure that being self aware is the only step. But I think it's a start.

Best of luck to you!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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dreamtree

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Re: would love some advice.....
« Reply #3 on: December 31, 2018, 02:43:34 PM »
I think that given the amount of damaged people in the world, its pretty hard not to attract them. If you are kind and a good listener, you will attract ANY and EVERYone.

The attracting part is NOT the problem, its the pattern of, for example, accepting someone violating your boundaries, for whatever set of reasons.

Attracting is different from engaging with someone, and engaging is not a commitment or even a relationships. Somewhere between engaging and relating is probably where the fork in the road presents itself and you will learn to decide if you see red flags or not.

Unfortunately, the real red flags tend to come out during the relating and getting involved phase. And then the big bad stuff happens in the actual relationship.

Dont worry so much about what you attract as what you actually allow to happen. Anyone can attract anyone else at anytime.


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SonofThunder

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Re: would love some advice.....
« Reply #4 on: January 01, 2019, 10:37:32 AM »
So, to make a very long story short, I'm going through my 3rd divorce.  3rd cheating, lying husband.  After several years of emotional abuse and me trying everything humanly possible to "fix" and "save" the marriage, I got a phone call from his long term mistress and suddenly it all made sense.  I left him, actually somewhat grateful for my "get out of jail free" card.
 After a LOT of therapy, self discovery, books, etc.....  I am trying to identify how I end up in destructive, abusive relationships.  I am just now starting to understand.....personality disorders, narc/codependency relationships, etc.  I am working so hard on MYSELF.  I am determined to not get into a relationship like that again and would love any advice/ tips/ insight any of you may have.  I have also identified other relationships in my life that fall into the pattern of being destructive, abusive, being manipulated, used, exploited and have successfully walked away from a couple of "friendships" in the past year or so.  These are HUGE steps for me!  It goes against every grain for me to say "no" to someone or risk "offending" them.  However, I am learning that it can be very refreshing to just stand up for myself and what is best for me!"
So now, I have learned some things and "survived" this last break up, done the self work, got the kids off to college, faced the empty nest.  But I find myself isolating, avoiding social situations.  At first I allowed myself to "cocoon" after the kids left as it was difficult for me, but I need to start getting out there.  Building my new life.  I have a plan.....start exploring new career opportunities, explore new hobbies and interests, get more involved in church and volunteering......
I would love to make some new friends and some day even consider dating again.  But I am wondering if I can figure out how not to attract that kind of relationship.  I feel like I don't trust my own judgement (with good reason!)   I have literally been told by friends, family and even a psychic (whom I just saw one time at a party where she was the "guest") that I attract "every kind of ------------ and -----------.  I guess you can fill in the blanks as name calling is not allowed here.
Any advice for how to weed that out in the future?
 :stars:

Hello my1wish,

I’m sorry you are once again finding yourself in this pattern.  I want to highly recommend the book ‘Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist’ by Fjelsted.  We non’s have adapted/learned (some like me from a very young age with a uNPDf) to become a ‘caretaker’.  These caretaker attributes can be very desirable attributes in many life circles, but when not in check (which I was not, before coming ootf), can be detrimental to ourselves when they are not balanced with truth, understanding and protective boundaries.   

PD’s, on the flip side of the coin, are searching for a caretaker type, because we caretakers typically allow them to irresponsibly live-out, yet also hide-out their disorders within the sheltering and overworking attributes of the caretaker.  PD’s literally thrive off of feeding on a caretaker; like a parasite needs a host.  At the front end of a relationship, a PD will recognize the caretaker attributes and mask their PD by ‘love bombing’ the caretaker into a relationship.

Once the caretaker-host has been acquired, the PD is then free to begin removing the mask and using, controlling, hiding, projecting (and all the other PD attributes) onto the caretaker.  Because PD’s cannot even tolerate themselves, they need a caretaker-host to tolerate them, cater to them, prop up their internal self-loathing  and lick the wounds of others who get runover by the PD. 

I’m of the opinion that us caretaker types really don’t know what real love is, because we have been groomed by a PD parent or other PD person in our lives, and therefore we should consider putting more emphasis (when finding ourselves in a transition stage, through divorce, death, NC, etc..) on the areas you stated when you wrote..... “Building my new life.  I have a plan.....start exploring new career opportunities, explore new hobbies and interests, get more involved in church and volunteering......I would love to make some new friends...”. 

But, I don’t feel we are suited for additional “....some day even consider dating again”.   I know that’s a strong opinion, but as you can see, we caretakers are (like a PD) also pattern-filled, and I’m of the opinion that if I’m ever in a permanent transition phase (married to my uPDw for 27+ years), that I will not date/marry again, but rather pour my time into your words  “Building my new life.....start exploring new career opportunities, explore new hobbies and interests, get more involved in church and volunteering....make some new friends”.   

Again, I believe we caretaker types must first discover ourselves and learn to balance, be firm in our self control and be very sensitive to the traits of PD’s and our own caretaking traits first, before we ever attempt to forge new friendships.  If we don’t, we leave ourselves wide open to another parasite finding its host and the pattern repeats.  Again, I recommend the book and that you take the time to learn a lot about yourself first, which will teach you volumes about the PD’s you attract. 

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.