Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers

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AJ_Wiskers

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Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers
« on: October 23, 2018, 11:03:55 AM »
Hello everyone!  I'm new to the boards and only recently discovered that personality disorders, specifically borderline and narcissism, seem to describe my sister and the relationship I've experienced with her.  She and I are approaching mid-life with one parent gone and one left, who she has lived with for more than 5 years unemployed.  My sister is the most stress-inducing element of my life and with our remaining parent approaching the end of his, my sister's future is uncertain.  I am trying to set boundaries for our interactions and her expectations of my role in the post-dad years.  In general, I am afraid of her and her reactions because she says very terrible things.  I feel emotionally manipulated.  To be honest, I would be grateful if she were no longer in my life, except I mourn the person and relationship we use to have when we were young that I now know is gone.

I no longer expect that she has the capacity to change, so I need to protect myself.  I need to figure out an approach for how to set the boundaries that I need to protect myself.  She has strong fear of abandonment, heightened sensitivity to the emotions of others, and is prone to anger / meltdowns, so this process of communicating my boundaries is not trivial.  I will be looking to the boards to find information about how others have crossed this bridge.  If those of you reading this know of any such resources, I would appreciate your direction to relevant posts. 

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coyote

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Re: Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2018, 11:30:13 AM »
Welcome to OOTF,
The Toolbox is a great place to start. The explanation of Boundaries, JADE, Circular Conversations, the 50 and 51% rules, Grey Rock, Medium Chill are all good tools to learn. As you said the boards are great places to learn from others' experiences. I'm sorry you need us but glad you found us.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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Starboard Song

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Re: Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers
« Reply #2 on: October 23, 2018, 11:34:03 AM »
AJ,

I am sorry you need this community, but am so proud of you for being proactive.

The OOTF Tool Box has the names, purposes and descriptions of so many tactics. And our Siblings Board will have those shared experiences from which you may learn or gain strength.

Boundaries are important, and are executed best when you understand the version of reality experienced by the PD person. For that purpose, I recommend "Stop Walking On Eggshells." That book is too sympathetic to the PD person for many people's taste, but I appreciate that viewpoint.

There're so many tools: you should be able to get a graduate degree in Boundary Studies, because there is so much to learn. Gray Rock and Medium Chill are likely to be important. 51-50 is critical if the relationship is unavoidably close. Always the Three Cs, and always be kind to yourself.

Good luck to you, and I look forward to seeing you on the boards.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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Summer Sun

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Re: Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers
« Reply #3 on: October 23, 2018, 01:10:03 PM »
AJ Wiskers, just wanted to add my welcome.  Coming OOTF is not easy.  Interactions with PDís can be so hurtful, frustrating, painful IME, I so understand what youíve been through with your UPDs.

In addition to the suggestions already provided, I found two other avenues helpful in my healing.  I discovered that one of my own vulnerabilities was projecting my own empathetic qualities onto others inclusive of UPDsibs.  In other words, because I have a conscious, and care if Iíve unintentionally hurt others, because I am open, fairly transparent, etc, etc, I naively thought this is how others are and approach the world.  Not!  This awareness was the first step in relational discernment. 

The other aspect was understanding that the depth of my depression was actually grief.  Understanding that I was grieving the loss of relationships with FOO I thought I had (while in denial or wearing rose coloured glasses), the loss of a family I never really had, and the loss of expectation of FOO to love me.  This meant coming to a place of acceptance - the final stage of the grieving process.  So familiarity with the grief process was helpful for me in understanding what I was experiencing.

Wishing you strength, support, kindness and self care on the journey.

Summer Sun
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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guitarman

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Re: Introducing myself: AJ_Wiskers
« Reply #4 on: October 23, 2018, 02:06:34 PM »
Welcome. You are not alone.

You could be describing my sister who is undiagnosed BPD/NPD.

I recently posted this information below in the "Other Media Resources" section that you might find of interest.

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Here is the link to the free online "Healing Narcissistic Trauma" conference October 27th and 28th 2018.

The conference is hosted by Susan Ball founder of Empower Her and host of Fierce Women Rising Radio.

The author and counsellor Kris Godinez who specialises in Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome is going to be one of the many speakers.

https://www.susanball.ca/healing-narcissistic-trauma-conference/

Best wishes

guitarman
"Do not let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace." - Dalai Lama

"You don't have to be a part of it, you can become apart from it." - guitarman

"Be gentle with yourself, you're doing the best you can." - Anon

"If it hurts it isn't love." - Kris Godinez, counsellor and author