Window into my childhood....possibly triggering

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LSK1999

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Window into my childhood....possibly triggering
« on: October 24, 2018, 03:57:21 PM »
Hi all, I had a bit of a profound moment today with my fiance. I am not embarrassed or ashamed to admit that I have been watching some videos on you tube that have captured women abusing their children on video. My fiance has expressed concern as to why I would watch something so dark and disturbing....at first I let him make me feel bad about doing it. I realize now that it was serving a purpose for me....it was giving me a window into my childhood and from a distance as an observer not the victim. You see what began to happen was I began to see that I was the child in those videos and I was becoming angry for these poor babies and realizing that I was one of those poor babies. It was very difficult at first...but you know what....I think everyone should have to watch these videos....maybe child abuse would not be so secretive and damaging to the poor children afflicted if more people had to look, we didn't have a choice, we had to live it. If every person were forced to watch some of these videos (these are mainly verbal and emotional rages) nothing horribly physically violent or anything like that...even I have a threshold.

So I had found a video with a mother that in every way reminded me of my raging verbally and sometimes physically abusive mother. It was slightly more severe than my abuse but not all that much. Fully realizing by the comments on the videos that people that have never been exposed to this stuff it is very very upsetting and many cannot even watch. My fiance struggles a lot with all that I am going through and I felt like this video would be giving him a glimpse of what I endured....just 6 minutes of it....what happened was eye opening to me and profound. He became very upset....asked again why I would surround myself with this poison....said he now felt like he had to collect himself to be able to go to work. I stood there as tears began to stream down my face and I said to him "don't you understand?" " I live with this everyday, it lives in my body, in my mind. Those children in the video were me as a child and you can't stand to look at it for 6 minutes...but I had to endure a lifetime of it." People don't get it, they don't understand, and sadly they don't want to because it hurts and it's horrible, but it leaves us facing the damage alone.

I watch these video's not because I enjoy them...but they are also truly showing me why my inner child remains terrified of my NM. I think if anyone of us could watch a video of ourselves in our childhood homes being abused...it would swiftly lift the FOG from our eyes and our souls. When I feel myself starting to slip back in I remember....I remember who I am and where I came from....I remember that no child deserved what I endured and there is no excuse for it.  The FOG kept me from ever remembering or seeing how bad it really was....and that is exactly what the FOG was designed to do. To hide from ourselves how bad it truly was, it was not our choice as children, but as adults we owe it to our inner children to fully accept what our parents have done and to protect our poor little ones from the abusers that they truly are and were. My physical reactions to my NM are my inner child screaming for protection from her abuser. I would never suggest anyone start watching these videos as part of therapy....for me it has helped...each of our journey's will be unique as we are each unique and beautiful people on our own journey. I only hope that I can illustrate that what happened to all of you and to me was not right, never our fault, any more than it is the fault of any innocent child helpless at the hands of their abusive parent. God Bless and love to all of my wonderful friends here.

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Wilderhearts

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Re: Window into my childhood....possibly triggering
« Reply #1 on: October 25, 2018, 12:27:39 AM »
Six minutes is also much easier to process than a lifetime of covert and overt abuse.  I had a conversation with my T the other day about how I grieve so deeply over little things that it's not rational, and I think it's connected to my uPDf's early death, which I rarely grieve.  She said "I wonder if this is just a more manageable way for you to grieve his death?"  I think yeah, probably.  We need to feel and express the rational, human responses to our experiences that we couldn't feel at the time because doing so could be dangerous, and we need to do it in ways that feel safe for us - that means they have to also feel manageable. 

I do wonder though, about watching things that we know are triggers for our traumas and how that affects us.  Being triggered/distressed can feel more "normal" than anything for some of us who've survived chronic abuse, especially during childhood, It's something that I know I have to be aware of because I get hooked into reading/watching things that make me on edge and hypervigilent, because that was my natural state growing up and my silly nervous system always wants to revert back to it! haha... :sadno: 

Even if it is triggering for you,  you have a right to heal in whatever way works best and makes the most sense for you.

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Dinah-sore

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Re: Window into my childhood....possibly triggering
« Reply #2 on: October 25, 2018, 02:22:24 AM »
Hi LSK1999, I sent you a PM as a response to this. I am also curious about this. I think I have an idea of why it might be helping you. Best wishes.

 :bighug:
"I had to accept the fact that, look, this is who I am. I have to be who I am, and all of us have a right to be who we are. And whenever we submit our will, because our will is a gift, our will is given to us, whenever we submit our will to someone else's opinion a part of us dies." --Lauryn Hill