Should I not go anymore?

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Should I not go anymore?
« on: October 28, 2018, 04:12:50 AM »
Ds11 attends a twice weekly sport activity. A week night training session and a weekend game.  Both occur on his time with his uNPD father.

In the past I've attend each, fortnightly.

He's recently changed teams, so now, partly because of my work commitments and also due to distance away, I attend one game a fortnight and no training sessions.

Ds is a very different boy when I am there, in the presence of his uNPD father and his uNPD Smum.

He won't look at me,  acknowledge my presence or interact with me.

As soon as they are not with us a switch is flicked and he turns into my beautiful boy again.

I don't interact with his father or smum at all. None of my words are safe with them - even a "hello". I don't sit near them either.

This probably makes ds uncomfortable but I don't know what else to do.

His smum has caused scenes before, so I feel it's best if no interaction takes place.

Ds's attitude towards me at these times has become worse lately and I'm not enjoying the games as much as a result. With an hour's travel time each way, it's 3 unpleasant hours for me.

Ds has asked me occasionally to not come. But I've always done so as I want him to know/see that I'm supporting and encouraging him in each aspect of his life.

But if he's finding it distressing should I just not go?

AOD

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Whiteheron

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #1 on: October 28, 2018, 12:05:02 PM »
I would ask him directly. His answer won't be personal- it may just be easier for him if you're not there, not because he doesn't want you to be, but because there are consequences for him if he shows you any attention. It may also be a distraction for him if he's worried SM will cause an embarrassing scene because you are there.

Emphasize that you support and encourage him, wish him luck before his games. Maybe the two of you sit down and come up with a few games you should attend - such as once a month/every few weeks, whatever the two of you decide.

He knows deep down that you support him. Even if you just show and interest and ask him about his games.

:hug: 
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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2018, 09:28:29 AM »
Thanks, Whiteheron.

I have asked him several times why he behaves the way he does when I'm at the games and what would make him more comfortable.

He gives the standard "I don't know".

Tonight he asked me to not go to any of the games.

But he's also just asked his Dad not to go to a medical appointment he has tomorrow.

He's worried that there will be a scene because there was at mediation today. (uNPD exH stormed out, slamming the door, causing the mediator to end the session and close the file.)

I'm beginning to wonder if I should not attend the sport at all and to not attend any medical appointments that occur during the time he spends with his Dad.

I hate that idea but maybe it is the best for ds.

AOD


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Whiteheron

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2018, 11:06:34 AM »
I don't attend anything that occurs on stbx's time, with the exception of musical performances or major school events (since I'm usually involved in those anyways). If one of the kids have an appointment, I usually ask them if there's anything I need to know, or if I have a concern I call the office and ask for an overview of what happened at the appt.

That being said, extracurriculars and appts rarely occur on his time. The kids are still not comfortable having him involved in their activities - even if it's just for transportation. I've always been the one to take kids to any appt, so I try my best to schedule them on my time. Those that occur on his time are either missed or I never hear about them.
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Penny Lane

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2018, 12:25:16 PM »
SO and BM used to each go to every game and it was miserable for SO. She would do things like corner him and yell about how much she hates him. Schedules on both ends have evolved so each parent generally goes only to the events on their time. (The exception is recitals and other special events). This doesn't seem to bother the kids - the only time they get upset is if they're expecting one of their parents to be at something they're not at. My parents were together but growing up I think usually only one parent attended each game, and that was OK with me. My point is, if you're not having fun at the games and DS doesn't want you to go, I don't think it's bad for him if you skip them.

I think doctor's appointments are a different story. Every time SO hasn't been able to go to a doctor's appointment, BM has messed something up. I also think she doesn't accurately tell him what the doctor says. I've encouraged SO to make it a priority to go to every doctor's appointment, even though BM tries her best to make it unpleasant for him. I would keep going to those even if DS asks you not to - making sure you know doctors' orders is too important to leave it to your ex. That probably changes at some point as he becomes an older teen and he can take charge of his own medical stuff.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2018, 01:59:39 PM »
I think it is up to you whether you go or not.  Each situation is different.

We have had the same issues with activities, but we have kept going.  We just roll with whatever the kids need from us...if they keep their distance..we let them.  If they come chat, we are happy about it.  We never ask them about it- it's what they have to do and it's hard enough.  One of the things I make sure of when I am at activities, is that the kids see us watching; no looking at our phones, no being distracted by other things.  DSS often looks up, catches my eye and gives me a sweet smile.  I look over at BM and her BF- one is reading a book (seriously) and the other is either talking to someone or chasing their small child. 

For us- although it is extremely hard, always has been, I feel it's important to show the kids that we are there for them, regardless.  We minimize the conflict as much as we can and we focus on them. 

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #6 on: November 05, 2018, 08:50:58 AM »
Thanks, Folks.  It's good to get the different perspectives.

I've decided to stop going to the sports games and training.

I had a talk with ds and we came to an agreement that I wouldn't go, but if his team reaches the grand final I would attend.

I hate this. But the last straw came last week when uNPD exH became aggressive at mediation.  He's proved to me again that he's not safe for me to be around. And his uNPD wife is the same.  I need to protect myself.

But the mediation outburst has also made ds11 even more uncomfortable - really, very worried there'll be more aggression if we're together. He even asked his Dad not to attend his last medical appointment.  He's never been game to do that before.

The poor kid.

I feel quite sick that it's come to this.

AOD

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2018, 09:41:25 AM »
So, I haven't been to ds's games or training since my last post.

He seems ok with it and there's been no word from uNPD exH or his uNPD wife about my absence.

I have to admit it's been good for my own mental health as well.

But I'm wondering if I should let the team/club know.

It bothers me that they'll think I'm a disinterested/uncaring mum and I have no doubt that such is being said by the pds.

I'm still receiving the weekly emails (to the correct address). Edited to add: Just realised I haven't received this week's email.  Have now drafted one requesting it be sent. Wondering if the pds have said to remove me from the list.  Interesting.

I dearly want to let the club know that I'm not there because I fear for my personal safety around the pds and that ds fears his Dad will cause a scene if I'm there.

But that would seem bitter and overly dramatic to the club people who don't know me, and who will only be seeing the pds' masks.

Should I say anything to the club? And if so, what?

AOD

« Last Edit: November 23, 2018, 09:50:48 AM by Associate of Daniel »

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Penny Lane

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #8 on: November 23, 2018, 12:39:49 PM »
Just my two cents, I don’t think there’s a way that you can word the email that wouldn’t make the recipient uncomfortable. Plus, if they’re hearing both parents accuse the other one of being the problem, it’s really hard to suss out the truth from where they’re sitting and it might make them reluctant to invite your son to things.

I also think it’s pretty normal for not all parents to make it to all activities. They might not even notice and then you’d be drawing even more attention to it.

Our philosophy on this sort of thing is that SO won’t go out of his way to tell people that BM did something wrong. But he also won’t hide it for her, like if he needs to tell someone “I need you to do X because BM didn’t do y,” he’ll say it even though she doesn’t look great.

It might be best if you let it go in this particular activity? I will say though, you don’t want him controlling the narrative with, say, teachers or doctors - because that could have more of an effect on your son (ie teachers only communicate with him, then you aren’t getting and can’t act on important school info). So I suppose if this is something integral to your son’s life my advice might change.

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Whiteheron

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #9 on: November 23, 2018, 02:15:32 PM »
If you say anything, you could just let them know that your schedule has changed and you can't make practices, but would still like to be on the email list. I would say nothing about your xPD. You owe no explanations.
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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #10 on: November 25, 2018, 03:27:18 AM »
Thanks for the advice, Penny Lane and Whiteheron.

It turned out the team manager's computer had died so she couldn't send any emails.

AOD

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athene1399

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Re: Should I not go anymore?
« Reply #11 on: November 28, 2018, 05:25:50 PM »
AoD,

I'm sorry you aren't going to the games anymore. It sounded like you really want to be a part of that. But like you said, it's better for your mental health so I guess there is a silver lining.  :) Maybe in the future you could find a sport for DS to do on your time? Or you could always try to go to this one again in a month and see how it goes. I would talk to DS first though before you just pop in. But maybe once things settle between you and your ex DS won't be so nervous about you showing up. It does really suck though. :( I'm sorry you stopped going.

And I agree with WH. I wouldn't mention having issues with your ex. Just say your schedule changed, but would still like to be on the mail list in case you can make it.