Birth mom. How to handle this.

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lightupthere

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Birth mom. How to handle this.
« on: November 23, 2018, 02:57:34 PM »
My ex did all he could to poison dd, age 19 against me. We see each other rarely, and he does his very best to limit the time we are together, he will always bring her late, and pick her up early. He insists on driving her. He bothers her by texting when I am with her. She insists he just cares about her, so I do not protest. It doesn't help.

I saw her yesterday and she told me that without asking her, her father has located and put her in touch with her birth mother overseas. He paid a private investigator to find the woman (so he says, her birth records stated an address and name). 

I am pleased for my daughter in a way, she seems happy to be in contact. BUT she didn't ask for this and said it was a surprise that her father did this.

I  can't help feeling it was just another ploy to distance me from our daughter. Our son is also adopted, but he is older. My ex has made no attempt to 'reunite' him with his birth parents.

Any advice of any kind appreciated. 

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Latchkey

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Re: Birth mom. How to handle this.
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2018, 10:43:00 PM »
HI lightupthere,

I think you are spot on. I've no experience with this personally and never heard of a parent doing this as a "surprise" to their daughter.

 :bighug: :bighug: :bighug:

I think being supportive as you can and hoping she has a positive reunion if that happens is best you can hope for. You can also be there for her if things start to unravel. Probably it's best to be supportive and stay out of this directly given your ex's ability to spin all things bad to be your fault.

What are you thinking your involvement, if any, with communication with the birth family would be? Does your D seem to want to involve you in this at all?



Latchkey
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lightupthere

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Re: Birth mom. How to handle this.
« Reply #2 on: November 24, 2018, 01:59:16 AM »
Thanks. This is the first I have heard about this contact. Apparently it's been in the works for awhile. I am NC with my ex. I will ask Dd if she wants me involved in any way. I see that my ex is now a Facebook friend with my dd's birthmother.  Her birthmom doesn't speak English, or know how to read or write in any language.  And her birth mom lives in a rural part of Europe.


I think it was an obvious ploy on my ex's part to reunite my dd and her birthmom without consulting our daughter.   So weary of his games. 


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athene1399

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Re: Birth mom. How to handle this.
« Reply #3 on: November 28, 2018, 05:02:32 PM »
Lightupthere,

I also find it weird he would plan this without consulting DD (I would think a non-PD parent would consult the ex, but if he is PD I'm not surprised he didn't ask how you felt). Maybe offer DD emotional support, because if she didn't ask for this, she may not be ready to meet/communicate to BM. And if BM doesn't speak English, I'm not sure how they will talk anyway. So maybe DD will be let down by this, especially if your ex made a big deal about getting her in contact with BM. If DS is adopted, but your ex isn't making a big deal about his BM, maybe check in with him to see how he feels. Until you see how this will play out, I think emotional support to the kiddos is the best you can do at the moment IMO.