Ex wants extra time

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MeFirst

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Ex wants extra time
« on: November 29, 2018, 10:33:50 AM »
My uNPD ex has got his lawyer to write to my lawyer asking for an extra night per fortnight with the kids.  I think it has to do with child support plus ownership of the kids. The children are 3yo twins.

Does anyone have any advice on how to combat the request? The kids come back unsettled and have more tantrums after being with him.  They have also been more hostile to each other lately. I don't know what to do. I still haven't got used to not seeing them every second weekend and now he wants more nights.

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Stepping lightly

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #1 on: November 29, 2018, 12:24:18 PM »
Hi MeFirst,

Is he asking for an extra night in the middle of the time you have the children, or added on to his existing weekend?   Does he see them at any other times during your time?  Could he maybe get an evening with them on a scheduled day, but bring them back before bed time? 

You could say that you feel like the current arrangement is providing stability for the children, and maybe when they are slightly older it would be a good idea to assess if another night is possible.  Whatever your response is, it needs to be child focused as much as possible.  If his behaviors are a concern, make sure you have documentation/evidence to support it so he doesn't just deny it.  I wouldn't use the reasoning that you are not yet used to not seeing them every other weekend, because on the flip side he only sees them that often. 




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Penny Lane

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #2 on: November 29, 2018, 02:05:57 PM »
What's your current situation? Like, do you have a permanent order in place and is it something you agreed to, or is it a temporary agreement and he wants to have the kids more in the final order? What reasoning is he giving for why he should have the kids more?

If you've already finished court stuff, I think you can just say no, you don't think that would be good for the kids. I'm not sure you need to give him a reason though maybe privately document. This seems like a pretty good reason to me:

The kids come back unsettled and have more tantrums after being with him.  They have also been more hostile to each other lately.

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #3 on: November 29, 2018, 04:14:27 PM »
I'm wondering the same as the others.

In the meantime may I suggest that this is one thing you can do yourself rather than spend money on your lawyer.

You could write to your ex's lawyer yourself instead of spending money having your lawyer do it.

It took me years to realise that not every communication to my solicitor had to be responded to by her.

But I also realise that I had to be strong enough and in the right headspace to do so.

What do you think your ex's response will be if you say no?

If you think he'll rage and make empty threats then you don't need to worry (unpleasant though it is). But if you think his response will place you and/or the children in danger you'll need to be tactical.

IME, pds don't like "no". So perhaps offer an alternative that you can live with, like a few hours on another night.

AOD

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MeFirst

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #4 on: November 30, 2018, 09:12:42 PM »
He's asking for another night to make he's 2 night weekend into 3 nights in a row. He already had a regular mid week night every week.

I like the suggestion about stability. That makes a lot of sense as the current arrangement has only been in place 6 months and would work best when they get to school in a couple of years time.


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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #5 on: November 30, 2018, 11:43:54 PM »
I would fight to keep it as it is.

My ds11 has a few hours one night  per week and Friday and Saturday nights with his uNPD father.

Even after several years it still takes him close to 2 days to readjust to being with me.

Mainly because he doesn't get enough sleep at his father's place. Also because he's allowed to watch inappropriate movies etc and his uNPD father and uNPD smum are doing all they can to alienate him from me.

After 2 nights back with me he's usually back to being my beautiful boy again.

I can imagine what a 3rd night at his father's place would result in.

My solicitor has advised me that our arrangement is "generous" towards my uNPD exH, going by the usual court ordered arrangements.  It sounds like you and I have similar arrangements.  I suggest you try to keep them as they are.

All the best.

AOD

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MeFirst

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #6 on: December 01, 2018, 12:55:05 AM »
Thanks AOD, that makes me feel a ton better!! We both have a very similar situation on terms of access and behaviour of the kids.

We don't have any orders in place yet. My lawyer says ours is a generous arrangement too for their age (3yo). I would like to keep arrangements as they are.

I worry that those issues/ behaviour are not enough to defend against him though.

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MeFirst

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Re: Ex wants extra time
« Reply #7 on: December 01, 2018, 01:31:56 AM »
And the reason he's given is only that they are allegedly calm and settled when they are with him therefore its reasonable to increase his time.

He eventually wants at least 50% time. I think this shouldn't happen because of the PD stuff plus alienation he has already started doing. And if it was 50% this shouldn't happen till much older.

He is fixated on 50% plus he lost access to his daughter from a previous marriage because she didn't want to see him so I think he wants to ensure that doesn't happen again.