Stalking

[NoVoice357]

Hello PS,

Sorry to hear your parents do not take this seriously and think it is just a coincidence. It is not. Waiting for something to happen to change locks is irresponsible. You are not safe as long as she has a key to your apartment.

Trust your instincts. They are there to protect you. If you are feeling anxious, intimidated, gaslighted (what she did in your apartment), having your boundaries violated, losing sleep, then it is serious. This is psychological abuse. Your anger is valid.

She will not stop as long as you are physically proximate to her. She feels triggered when she sees you. This is about having power and control. She knows you are feeling anxious, unease and intimidated. She is in your thoughts. This is what she actually wants to achieve and makes her feel good.

One of their tactics is to tell mutual friends and acquaintances that you said you are being stalked by her and that you must be paranoid or crazy. They try to get in first, before you do it.
Since the PD/stalker plays another role in front of them, people do not get to see her dark side so it is highly likely they believe the PD/stalker.
When you finally tell mutual friends and acquaintances what you are going through, they will usually -but not always- see it as a proof that what the stalker said about you was true - you must paranoid.
After all, the stalker is always nice, kind, calm and collected to them, someone who could never do such a thing like stalking a friend for months, breaking into a her apartment or stealing her belongings.

I agree with Clara's book recommendation (this is a great book) and with other Out of the FOG members' advice. I would also have a look at Cluster B personality disorders. A good support network, a healthy diet, enough sleep and breathing exercises to calm down are important.

[clara]

My advice:  Do NOT unblock her on FB.  If push comes to shove and you're told you have to (and I'd wait until I was told, if I was you) create a separate FB account for just this assignment, and then when it's done, delete the account.  By unblocking her on FB on your regular account, you're giving her the signal that you're willing to be around her.  I know that's not your intention, but that's how she'll read it.  It will likely cause her to redouble her efforts to get your attention.

If you have to explain to the assistant why you're doing things that way, tell them the truth.  I doubt they'd think you're making it all up when you show them the efforts you're willing to take to protect yourself.  And even if they don't know whether or not to believe you, you've at least gotten the information on the situation to them in a way that relates directly to your assignment and doesn't appear as some random statement you're making in order to get attention. 

[qcdlvl]

If you haven't done so already, please change the locks ASAP. You don't need your parents'  permission to do so.

My advice is to tell the TA about the stalking and that's why you can't be in the same team as this person - make sure to mention you've filed a police report (don't mention they told you they can't do anything). If the TA ignores you, then email the professor (from your college account and make sure you save it in your sent email folder) saying the same things. If the professor ignores it, then email the Chair. Fear of liability can often put the fear of God into these people (the email establishes an electronic paper trail and they know it), and it's not like it would really cost them anything to not have you and this person on the same team, there's no reason for them to take any chances. Don't unblock your stalker for any reason - it's preferable to drop the class or fail the assignment (but it would probably be great grounds for a grade appeal if it affects your overall grade in the class).

Please put your safety first.

[psychology.student]

Things are getting better. I'm not in the same group with this girl at any of the courses. Before we were forming groups, I emailed the assistant and told her what is happening to me. She was really kind and she understood that I couldn't work with that person.
I also make sure I'm never alone: I go to school, lunch and home together with my schoolmates. I try to come late to class and sit away from her. I go to different shops.
The only thing I miss is my freedom. I'm afraid to go out alone and I hate that I can't just go to the closest shop after school when I need something. I hope one day my stalker will get tired of this and eventually stop following me.
Thank you all for your support.

[bluprint]

Hi, I'm responding really late but I wonder how you're doing now.

I was in a similar situation a few years ago, which is how I came to learn about PDs. I cut off a friend who then started sending me angry messages on Facebook, posting about my personal life online, reading my blogs, and started following me around in campus.

I dropped out off a major class and ended up moving to a new city just to stay away from him.  I was getting ready to sue even though it was expensive, but a psychiatrist told me that he likely suffered from BPD (extreme attempts to prevent abandonment) and that I shouldn't initiate contact with this person anymore, not even through a lawyer. Luckily he got married and moved to another country, but even during the first year of his marriage he would message our mutual friends to fish for info whenever he'd see photos of me on their feed.

[psychology.student]

Dear bluprint,
thank you, I'm feeling much better now. I've started seeing the psychologist who is really understanding and helps me find the courage to tell this girl she should leave me alone. She stopped following me home and to school. I noticed that her parents now drive her to school and pick her up after lessons. Maybe they found out what she's doing and they take care of her. But in the classroom she still stares at me, sometimes she even tries to smile at me with some creepy smile.
I'm sorry to hear about your experience. I believe you felt a great deal of distress. I'm happy for you that your situation got better. Although it is very sad and unfair that you had to move and drop out of your class. How were things at your campus? Did you report his behavior? Did they do anything?

[Wilderhearts]

I also agree that you should speak to the assistant, and probably the instructor.  She's really escalating her behaviour, finding ways to keep stalking you.

Have you told her to sod off?  Someone mentioned sending her an email.  I would email her and list all the behaviours that you consider threatening and intimidating - all of them.  Be clear that any similar behaviours that she has not yet committed will also be considered intimidation.  If she persists, you then have evidence that she is choosing to behave in a way she knows is threatening to you.  That might give you grounds to charge her with harassment.  Say you've already informed the police.

I don't want to concern you more, and I hope she is cowardly like others' stalkers.  This is a power play -  show her you're not easily intimidated.  Don't get confrontational, but be calm and firm - pwPDs, if they feel threatened or like you're trying to show you're more powerful than they are, can be unpredictably aggressive and use physical intimidation (not all, but some).  She seems like a victim-type waif from what you've described, so she may be confrontation averse.  But stand your ground - make eye contact with a level gaze like others have suggested.  Maybe keep pepper spray concealed in your coat pocket, if it's legal where you are.

You could also disrupt your behaviour to disrupt hers - ignoring her and carrying on as usual could be sending the message you're too afraid to stand up to her.  If you're not ready to speak directly to her,  you could call someone whenever she follows you and state clearly "I'm at X place, it looks like (stalker) was waiting here for me and now she's following me around the store."  She needs to know you know it's not a coincidence, and it's not acceptable.  PDs do what they think they'll get away with.

Keep yourself safe, and keep getting support. 

[Wilderhearts]

I apologize for the irrelevant post - I didn't see the second page of posts, and apparently you can't delete your own posts here.

I'm so glad to hear that things have mostly resolved, and you reached out to people who could support you in keeping her out of your life as much as possible.  It's a huge relief that this didn't escalate further.

[psychology.student]

It turns out she's not going to stop anyway. This week our student association offered us to join the workshop about dog therapy. I immediately signed up and wrote my name in the google docs table. Next morning I noticed that this girl also signed up for the workshop. She never attends any workshops! And I don't think she even likes dogs!
I'm really interested in the workshop. Should I just give up and not go there? I know it's a coward thing to do but I can't enjoy the workshop if she always tries to come close to me and interact with me.
All those attempts of her make me really tired. She always finds some new way to get to me. And she's clever! I can't accuse her of anything. Every student has the right to join the workshop.

[openskyblue]

My advice is this: Don't let her stop you from doing the things you like. If you do, you're letting her control you, and that's a slippery slope to losing yourself. When you are there, if she sits close to you, get up and move to a different seat.  Try to pretend that she's not there. And make sure you have a plan ahead of time for getting home.

Good luck! This sounds very aggravating.

[NoVoice357]

She has reasons not to stop.
First, she will not leave you alone as long as you are in the first 4 spheres of influence. Eye line is the second sphere (narcsite.com/2017/04/18/the-spheres-of-influence/)
Also, if you have been talking to others about her *and* she found out, this is another reason to hoover and stalk you. As long as she knows that you are speaking about her, she feels she exists.
Plus if she learns she is making your life miserable, she feels powerful. She is controlling you and your life.

Being ignored, not being noticed or seen is what they hate the most. Indifference from others makes them feel they do not exist. This wounds them.

Since it would be unfair to continue your studies at another university or not to attend courses you are interested in, the only thing you can do is to avoid her as much as you can. Avoid direct eye contact when standing or sitting because she will stare at you.

All those attempts of her make me really tired.

If she can see you look tired, upset, frustrated due to her behaviour, this is fuel/narcissistic supply (NS). Learn as much as you can about it. Your body language can be NS to her too. Most people think they know what it is but then they say something which shows that they do not fully understand. There is book called Fuel by HG Tudor, a narcissist sociopath. There is a lot of information on his blog narcsite.com.

If she can see you look calm, undisturbed when 'in the eye line sphere', she will not stop completely but she will reduce her attempts to hoover you considerably and will have to find another target who gives her what she wants.

I can't accuse her of anything. Every student has the right to join the workshop.

She knows what she is doing. If you tell others about this behaviour, they will think you are the paranoid one, not her.

I agree with openskyblue:

My advice is this: Don't let her stop you from doing the things you like. If you do, you're letting her control you, and that's a slippery slope to losing yourself. When you are there, if she sits close to you, get up and move to a different seat.  Try to pretend that she's not there. And make sure you have a plan ahead of time for getting home.

[psychology.student]

I would like to thank all of you for your advice. Sometimes I feel like this is the only place where I'm understood.
I had sessions with two counsellors. The first one told me that I should act like she's a normal schoolmate and look her in the eyes, say hello and maybe even talk to her. I didn't do it and I sought help elsewhere.
The second one doesn't believe me. The first session was ok, but yesterday I had another session and I told that I don't even drink apple cider anymore because it reminds me of someone stealing it from my apartment. And she said: yeah, we can't be sure if that really happened. Then I said she also goes to dog therapy, but never attends any other workshops. And the counsellor said: maybe she just likes dogs! That's not true. Today at workshop she didn't even pet any of them even though we all did.
The dog therapy was ok. I was pretending she's not there and I drive home by car now so I feel much safer.
Today at workshop I noticed there were some older students talking to this girl and saying: it will be okay, don't worry. These same students constantly looked at me like I did something wrong. They didn't accept my friends requests at facebook as well even though we're together in students' association team. This is very strange. I feel like an outcast.
I'm so disappointed about the counselling. I feel like everyone just minimalizes my problem.