How to set boundaries with uHPD mother

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Hello everyone,

Only a week or so ago did I discover that my mum may have undiagnosed histrionic personality disorder. It was - like it is for many of us - an eye-opening moment, which has explained so much!

Since then, I've really gone between anger, sadness, and confusion as to how to deal with it from now on. Also like most of us, I've made myself responsible for mum's emotional well-being for my entire life, which has always been so exhausting.

Now I'm expecting our first baby in five weeks, which is probably also why mum - always the attention-seeker - has sent me a pretty "rough" email blaming me for our bad relationship and communication. Then last night, she left me a voicemail while sobbing, apologizing for the timing of that email (not the content itself!).

So my question: how do you guys deal with the emotional guilt when trying to enforce boundaries, knowing that the uPD person will never understand where you're coming from? I guess I'm still learning how to make my own feelings count, which is so much more difficult than it sounds like!

Sorry for the vague question, really just looking for experiences on how you first broached the subject of "setting boundaries" and balancing your feelings with that of your PD parent/partner/child etc.

Thank you all!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi,

I'll share something about my journey that might help you to feel supported in your current situation. Boundaries are part of any relationship and I do believeve that people who have been through hell, ie parent with a PD, have had their boundaries crossed so many times.

Adult chidren of parents with a PD can come to understand relationships and boundaries in ways others may not be sensitized to. The insight you've used to manage with your PD parent can make you quite sensitive to the needs of your child which is where my recovery became a force in my life in a new way. After I became a mother, the lack of integrity in my mothers patterns of behaviours were easier than ever to see. Her treatment of me became easier to see.

If the one sidedness of the relationship with her had been tolerable before my child arrived, it became of less and less interest to me as I was now a busy new mother to a newborn. I ended contact with her, and eventually years later found a way to grieve the mother I never ever had.

My undiagnosed PD mother did not make it easy for me to assert boundaries while I was expecting my first child. Her emotional abuse persisted. She refused to take responsibility for her abusive behaviours towards me.

I would suggest that you learn about emotional abuse, gaslighting and recovery which will involve putting your needs and your childs needs first, not hers.

You can do it. I used to feel do alone as a new mom without my own maternal mum to help me parent. I did it and your love for your baby can keep you focused as you work to nurture yourself.

I came to accept the truth, that my mother suffers from a mental illness and does not take responsibility for her behaviours which are often harmful to others. My boundaries with her protected my child and it was the most important thing I did was end her access to us. She did not have an unalienable right to our hearts and minds and bodies.  I felt compelled to limit and ultimately end her access to people she could abuse, including me.

Take good care of yourself! I hope you find some good support here. You're not alone in your journey. The book mothers who cannot love was one of the first ones I read that helped me feel less alone in this.

[newbieHPDdaughter]

Thank you so much for your reply treesgrowslowly! And apologies for only going on the forum again now, I needed a bit of space to focus on myself. It's great to hear that your own painful experiences have made you a mother who is more sensitive to the needs of the child! That is definitely always a worry, but I have come to realize that it's on me to break this unhealthy cycle of bad mother-daughter relationships in my family. Luckily I have a great husband to support me in this journey!

I am also sad to read that the only way you were able to protect yourself and your child was through breaking contact completely. It's such a difficult step to take and one I don't think I'm quite ready for yet. My mum has never been physically abusive, and even the emotional abuse has been so "ingrained"  that I'm finding it difficult to put my finger on it. Even though I know the emotional abuse has been there, she is still my mum who I love, and I know that our "bad relationship" also hurts her. It's all so difficult, isn't it?

But now with her not being there for me during my pregnancy, and making it all about herself, when it should be about the baby and me, has really opened my eyes that I don't have a "normal" mother. Hopefully we can find a way to work around this somehow..

Thanks again for your encouraging words, this forum is really a great support system!

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi

Thank you for your reply and kind words. Yes it is sad. It is sad on so many levels- I only have one mother and she is NPD and not in treatment, I have no hope of ever having a mother. It has taken many years to recognize this for the pain that it is.

Breaking the cycle for yourself and your child will be bittersweet but mostly sweet because honestly, we are as a species built to bond and love one another. My NPD mother has an illness that prevents bonding and loving, and since there is no treatment for her, society assumes her kids will just stay and take the abuse ? And contnue the cycle for the next generstion to suffer?  I don't think so.
We have to break the cycle and find our way back to wholeness which is to be able to love ourselves so that we love our children by nurturing them Which includes showing them what emotional safety feels like.

I for one feel like I get it when you say it is hard to put your finger on what was abusive about your mother's behaviours. Its called gaslighting for good reason. Toxic fumes were in the air but no one could see them, and everyone just feels a little sick but doesn't know quite why. That was my life with her.

Yes you are able to see how her condition prevents her from healthy relationships but my take on this was that it is up to her to address that not me.

Sometimes if I was feeling bad or guilty about her life i would imagine what would happen if I ever went to counselling with her. Could she make it an hour? She would deny her behaviour and if there was evidence then she would deny that the behaviour harmed anyone. That's all it would be. For an hour.

Could she make it an hour without lying? No. Could she do an hour without being callous and mean and contradictory? No.

Would she go home and not phone me a few hours later to yell at me for making her go to the counselling session? As her daughter I spent more time with her than anyone else. I knew the answers to those questions. I knew from years and years of seeing how she deals with stress (she flies into a rage) , how she deals with professionals (charm followed by flattery, then agreeing with them for 5-20 minutes followed by an attempt to look smarter than them, and then talking about them later as incompetent and way less intelligent than her) , i knew how she deals with me (compliment followed by agreeing with everything I say for 5-20 minutes followed by disagreeing with everything I say until I agree to disagree with her or threaten to end the conversation, which then the cycle starts up again by her complimenting me to induce more "conversation").

This is all sad. Sad that a child would endure that instead of being loved and nurtured. You're going to be an aware mother. A self aware mother is a gift to our child.

you recognize the need to return to wholeness. Your baby will be someone you can bond with and love and nurture.  I did experience pain before experiencing healing as a mom. when my child hit milestones and i felt joy for them, I knew that no one felt joy when I was a baby.

It takes time but this healing is possible and nature is on your side because our minds and bodies want safety because we want emotional wholeness. We are built to grieve and heal from wounds and we are able to bond and love even if our own childhood was spent with a PD parent. I know this because im living it. Take heart. Love yourself.