When pwPD 'flock together'

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11JB68

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When pwPD 'flock together'
« on: November 01, 2018, 02:44:36 PM »
Putting this here, though it involves updh, it also involves his ex-friend. Anyone else find that the pds in your life are inter connected? I remember the old phrase 'birds of a feather, flock together'. I was just reminded of this thing that happenedover two years ago and is sort of triggering to me, so thought I'd share it here where I know it will be understood.
For years I was convinced that uPDh may be on the aspbergers spectrum, and was led to that by his best friend being told he might be. We were told at that time that often folks on that spectrum find and befriend each other. Well, h's bff and my bff were married. My bffs h left her quite suddenly, at which point more came out as to what he was really like. Now that I understand more I'm thinking he probably had a pd (most likely convert npd) rather than aspbergers, as does my h (likely ocpd with some npd and bpd). Well...my bff got very sick and eventually passed away. Updh insisted I coordinate a get together with his bff, that person's new so, and another couple were friends with. (A week after the funeral). I figured this would be a tuneto memorialize our friend and build relationships). Out of earshot uPDh said something to his bff that created drama (I will now label it as what it probably was: narc injury). The next day h's bff took to social media with his angst, gaining lots of narc supply from his 'friends' who publicly called h all kinds of names etc.  Updh and his bff then got into the most bizarre fight I've ever witnessed and have been nc since. This whole thing made me SO angry and sad. I felt like neither of them showed any respect for the loss of this woman whom we all had loved. It became all about them and their egos.

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Latchkey

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Re: When pwPD 'flock together'
« Reply #1 on: November 02, 2018, 01:15:03 AM »
Putting this here, though it involves updh, it also involves his ex-friend. Anyone else find that the pds in your life are inter connected? I remember the old phrase 'birds of a feather, flock together'. I was just reminded of this thing that happenedover two years ago and is sort of triggering to me, so thought I'd share it here where I know it will be understood.


Yes... I've started to now look at the friends of PD friends in a different light. Long term friends and associates especially of someone I know or suspect to be a PD b/c more often than not, they end up being PD themselves after enough time has played out.

I have to log off but I have recently just had this scenario play out in my personal life. I also think when you find yourself in a triangulation situation check out the dynamics. The book Sociopath at the Breakfast Table had a whole section on the Sociopath-Empath-Apath triangle. Often it's more like Sociopath-Sociopath-Empath  :bigwink: but it seems I have to re-learn this every time I discover another PD in my circles.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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NotFooled

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Re: When pwPD 'flock together'
« Reply #2 on: November 02, 2018, 11:01:24 AM »
Sounds like my old social circle.  Lots of drama especially around weddings and funerals.  One friend was diagnosed on the autism spectrum.  His wife is classic Narc diagnosed as Bipolar.  Other friends in the social circle alcoholics,  undiagnosed PD's some diagnosed with other mental health issues.  Basically a bunch of crazies.  :stars: :stars:

I've distanced myself from all of them or have gone completely NC.  My life is so much less stressful.  DH still keeps contact with some of them.  He grew up in a household with a severely mentally ill mother and a very dysfunctional family.  He later became roommates with some of these people so it's a little harder for him to distance himself.  I used to think my DH might have been on the spectrum before we started dating.  He seemed very unemotional and introverted.  But now I can see his real issue is anxiety and when he's around normal people he's very happy outgoing and completely different.  When he' s around his family or old friends it's like he's in grey rock mode.

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11JB68

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Re: When pwPD 'flock together'
« Reply #3 on: November 02, 2018, 11:59:09 AM »
Latchkey - yes, the triangulation was brutal. At least I think I'm using the correct term. uPDh does it to me often. Or, he did, hasn't happened for a while, and I'm not sure I'd allow it now that I'm coming OOTF. (He would 'make' me call people in HIS family-his m or his sis and tell me to call them and tell them 'x')
He did it in this situation - 'made' me come to his defense, went so far as to log in to my FB account and post something AS ME... (UGH). (The FB triangulation is really weird - his SIS does it too, logged into their mom's FB account once and unfriended both of us - their mom was SO UPSET, almost crying on the phone to me...)
It used to happen with uPDh and MY uPDm also - that was horrible. I was in the middle of that struggle big time. So frustrating. It's really what resulted in my NC with my FOO.
And, having received more info from my deceased friend's sister, I am even more convinced that her H is uPD: her mom found her journal, in which she talked about how mean he was to her, but she didn't want to leave as she felt she had to honor her vows, etc. Also-their daughter (18yo) recently got a large/unprofessional/poorly done tattoo on her thigh - a design her dad picked out to 'represent him'. Creepy, right???

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Latchkey

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Re: When pwPD 'flock together'
« Reply #4 on: November 04, 2018, 01:01:26 AM »
I find when I discover a nest or flock of PD's that at first I am in full-on detective mode and I go down the rabbit hole of discovery and disbelief. It is only afterward, usually with a few weeks or months or years of distance can I calmly really analyze what was going on. Usually though, my gut instincts were often right but I was distracted either by the benefit I attained from the relationship to an individual or a group. It's usually when the group turns on me that I realize, "oh wait, I'm in danger.  I'm being used. I'm a pawn in a big extended game that started before I ever even entered the picture"  :doh:
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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clara

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Re: When pwPD 'flock together'
« Reply #5 on: November 06, 2018, 01:48:31 PM »
It's definitely something you see playing out over time--how some of the long-term people in a PD's life are there because they're contributing to the dysfunction in their own ways.  I know there are people who are involved because they're in the fog,  but then there are others who seem well aware of all the problems but don't seem to really care.  They're in it for the long haul and benefitting in ways that are hard (if not impossible) for us to understand.