Unrealistic expectations from uNmom

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daughter

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #20 on: November 06, 2018, 11:10:11 AM »
I would use this specific demand-expectation as a timely exercise of your new boundaries: regardless of her "upset", you aren't driving to her home in two weeks.  It's unreasonable for you to do this drive with two tiny children, including a newborn, no matter how much fuss she makes.  I think you should send a birthday card with enough time to arrive several days before her birthday, maybe send mail-order candy or fruit-basket too, and be compassionate to yourself.  New boundaries are needed, or otherwise you'll soon find yourself making that 4-hr RT drive every month, as your mother creates reason after reason for you to do so, while you try to juggle your children, household, and own life responsibilities.  If she complains and complains, respond with "mom, we can skype/call each other; it's irresponsible for me to drive myself and the kids to your house", ad nauseam, until message sticks.

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Moxie890

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #21 on: November 06, 2018, 04:38:49 PM »

I'm just stuck between standing my ground and continuing to explain myself to her and standing my ground without offering further explanation.

I can relate to this too, and I have learned that no explanation will ever be good enough  if it means she isn't getting her way. Save your energy for you and your babies  :bighug:

Guilt trips are the worst though, and I am sorry she is laying it on thick! At least for me, they are harder to disregard then when my mom tries to use fear. When I was a kid her main offense was fear and obligation, now that I am an adult it's guilt and obligation. Fear just makes me mad, but guilt pokes the compassionate person inside of me.

Take a break from her mama, you deserve it!

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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #22 on: November 06, 2018, 07:13:44 PM »
I've been feeling a little depressed lately too. The rain these past 2 days, lack of sleep, and time change don't help, but I think the biggest reason is stress thinking about my mom.

It's that sick feeling, somewhat nausea but not quite. Reminds me of college when my mom wanted me to do something about my dad's now wife. She'd push me to make him cancel his dates with her because I should be his priority. I literally got sick and had reflux thinking about it and made myself throw up to get him home once using her pills (she didn't know but said I had to keep him home.)

I wish I didn't let her have this power over me. Even when I say, "I'm not going anywhere or visiting anyone," it's not with as much conviction or confidence I would like to have. Or when she would say guilting things and I said to myseld, does she really think it will work this time? Because I'm already on the verge of feeling like a bad person even if I know that's not the case.

I just dread thinking about having to continue to put my foot down over her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas. I don't hate the holidays and special occasions when there's no family drama. But there almost always is.

Anyway, my aunt said to think of my family first. The one that consists of my 2 children and husband. They are my biggest obligation.


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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #23 on: November 06, 2018, 07:16:31 PM »
I told my husband I've been feeling depressed and he said maybe I need a 4 or 5 day break from her.

My worries though include her harassing his phone and my dad's phone if I ignore her for too long (I can't believe my dad hasn't changed his number from when they were still together.) But my dad would not be happy if she called him.

A few years ago I ignored her for a few days and she left H a voicemail saying "this isn't okay."

He wasn't thrilled. Just makes me want to curl up and disappear.

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #24 on: November 06, 2018, 07:32:56 PM »
Hi Marzibet,

This sounds really tough. When my daughter was a newborn, I used to go to bed at 8:30pm as I was that exhausted. At that time my son was just over 2 and it was full on. You are right to prioritize you LOs, your husband and yourself. It's wonderful but very tiring to take care of small children.

You are not responsible for your mother's actions to your father or husband - and it's odd that your mother contacts your husband. But maybe you can block your mother on all phones except for your cell? That way you can chose if you want to pick up the call or not.

Hope this gets better.

 

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #25 on: November 07, 2018, 02:41:44 AM »
I think KOKO has the right idea - block her number on both your phones until YOU feel mentally able to deal with her particular brand of BS, and turn your ringer *off* during all hours the baby is sleeping - or you're trying to sleep.   :yes:

Could be a few days - could be a month - or you might decide you like the silence so much that you keep the blocks in place *indefinitely.*

That she calls and bugs your dad really isn't your problem.  If he hasn't gotten a new number, or blocked her, that's on him.   

But if he calls you to state she's hassling him and it's not acceptable - I'd block him, too, and consider him an Enemy Combatant.   >:(

In the future, you owe your mother NO explanation other than you're very busy and can't take calls - or visit when she expects you to.   :ninja:

Just that - busy.  In this case, less really is more.   :)

If I ever gave unBPD Didi a reason, she'd pick it apart, and act like I was lying to her by quizzing me intensely, to the point I felt like I WAS lying  :stars:  , even when I wasn't - or I'd get a case of "the shoulds" -  ("You should do that tomorrow and take me shopping now, or better still, you should tell your DH to do it...") or an outright  *command* ("You can do that later, when you get back from taking me shopping.")

If you're opening your mouth to say *anything* she doesn't agree with and you're not giving in to her "needs" - less is always more.  You are simply too *busy.*   8-)

You can't argue with that because it's too vague - however, it never stopped Didi from trying, in the form of, "What's so damned important that you can't...." or "WHAT could you possibly be SO busy with, all the time!?!?"   :bawl: :dramaqueen: :violin: :pissed:

These will save your cute little behind  ;D  :

"Oh, you know, just the usual...just another day at Casa de Cray-Cray...I don't want to bore you, but you get the idea."

"Oh, you know....work is a madhouse and I'm swamped, and I walk in here to pretty much the same - business as usual, in other words."

You've just restated your position - BUSY! - but told her *absolutely nothing.*  You haven't given her a single *crumb* of information - so she has nothing to use against you.   :ninja:

Your mother needs a VERY serious Information Diet - and that includes all talk of your newest family member.  I think *that's* the real reason for all the pressure, so tell her nothing other than the baby is *fine.*

And that applies to all of you, as well - you're fine, older child is fine and doing well in school, DH is fine and happy with his work, baby is fine, everything is good, all is going well.

I don't care if it's all a bald-faced lie, those are the *only* things your mom can hear - they can't be used against you.   :sunny:

Medium Chill is your friend and a *highly* effective tool.  The less she knows, the better - and the more peace you'll get because suddenly you're just so damned *boring.*

In my case, it was a VERY good thing - and I suspect it will be good in yours, as well.   :)

You CAN do this!   :cheer: :cheer:

 :hug:

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Some One

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #26 on: November 07, 2018, 10:50:57 AM »
A few years ago I ignored her for a few days and she left H a voicemail saying "this isn't okay."


It is ok, actually.  You are allowed to ignore someone if you want to. 
What isn't ok is that she's expecting you and your family's entire world to revolve around her.
It's normal to not talk to someone every day and it's normal to not want to talk to someone every day.
Like others have suggested I would either stop answering my phone or block her permanently or indefinitely. 
She will have to accept you aren't accessible every day like she wants you to be.
I will not pretend. 
I will not put on a smile. 
I will not say I'm all right for you,  
~Martha Wainwright.

NC almost 9.5 years with Nmom.  Enjoy the Silence.

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openskyblue

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #27 on: November 07, 2018, 10:59:49 AM »
I wish I didn't let her have this power over me. Even when I say, "I'm not going anywhere or visiting anyone," it's not with as much conviction or confidence I would like to have. Or when she would say guilting things and I said to myseld, does she really think it will work this time? Because I'm already on the verge of feeling like a bad person even if I know that's not the case.

I just dread thinking about having to continue to put my foot down over her birthday, thanksgiving, xmas. I don't hate the holidays and special occasions when there's no family drama. But there almost always is.

Anyway, my aunt said to think of my family first. The one that consists of my 2 children and husband. They are my biggest obligation.

Your aunt is almost right: Responsibility for your husband and kids at the  top of your list--right under YOU.  I hope you will consider what others have recommended--going NC with your mom. It sounds like you need the space and peace to strengthen your boundaries and to experience what it's like to not have to spend so much of your energy defending them.

You sound like a devoted and responsible mom. Would you treat your kids the way your mom treats you? Would you allow anyone else to? I'm betting you wouldn't. Kids don't ask to be born into the family situations they find themselves in, and IMHO that counts for one's entire life. Your parents are responsible for themselves as fully formed humans. You aren't responsible for your mother or you father's feelings.  Healthy parent-child relationships are built on parents encouraging their kids to be independent and going on to make their own healthy families -- not on dogging their kids with guilt, threats, and drama.

I hope you can put down this burden that your mom keeps trying to put in your hands. It's not yours to carry. I've watched my adult kids go NC with their NPD father--and how that has allowed them to move on in their lives and begin to flourish. Maybe they will reconnect with their dad, maybe not, but it's up to them and no one else.



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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #28 on: November 09, 2018, 11:47:56 AM »
I just got a text from my other aunt saying that I'm my mom's only child and it would be nice for me to call her to see how she's doing...I called my mom 4 days ago! Is that considered a long time???

Ugh normally I love my aunt but...this is so not like her. I've actually been having a hard time lately with asthma and sore throat so I might have an out.

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openskyblue

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #29 on: November 09, 2018, 12:29:38 PM »
Right on cue, the flying monkeys appear. Hang in there.

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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #30 on: November 09, 2018, 01:58:51 PM »
What I don't get is how do they think this will make me want to get in touch? If anything it would make me want to do the opposite just to prove a point.

It's like how PPs suggested I send her flowers. But since I'm annoyed I don't want to. I did send a card though yesterday.

I know I look like a mean person right now. But I'm going through my own things that I can't really talk about. If I say I'm depressed she'll just say I need to pray more or something. Also physically I don't feel great.

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Psuedonym

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #31 on: November 09, 2018, 06:37:40 PM »
marizabet you don't look anything like a mean person. You seem very kind and thoughtful. Taking care of yourself and your family isn't mean, even though your mother might make you feel that way. Also, I think sometimes we instinctively know when not to invite more drama from a PD. Sometimes doing something that would be considered nice in any other circumstance just opens up a huge can of worms.

 :bighug:

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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #32 on: November 10, 2018, 04:59:45 PM »
I talked to my mom yesterday and had her on the phone with LO. She said when do you think you'll visit me, I really want to see you and she said "I don't know."

My mom also suggested I try sleep training the 2 month old by not encouraging her to eat every hour. Which is not going to happen. She mentioned her birthday again and I said I'm not getting enough sleep.

Last week H told her he's going to her area today if she needs anything. So yesterday she asked if he's visiting and I said I didn't know. But where she is staying would have taken H an extra hour to go to so he won't see her anymore and said he never promised anything.

My aunt called me 4x yesterday to see if I called my mom and said that my mom was wallowing in self pity. I might end up sending her something to keep her at bay.

I messaged my aunts son (cousin) to mention his mom texted me and the responses honestly didn't sound like him. Nothing about my mom but I honestly wondered if his mom had his phone.

My friend said if it was her mom recovering she'd call every day which is a bit much for me. Obviously the relationship she has with her mom is completely different.

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Fiasco

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #33 on: November 10, 2018, 06:58:26 PM »
Oh for pityís sake. Do not sleep train your precious baby and do not drag yourself and your family over there. Itís silly! My bpdm called me yesterday to tell me sheís having emergency, but very minor, surgery and could I fly up to take care of her? I told her I have the flu.

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openskyblue

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #34 on: November 10, 2018, 07:03:55 PM »
Sounds like maybe you should block your aunt's number.


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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #35 on: November 10, 2018, 08:14:41 PM »

My mom also suggested I try sleep training the 2 month old by not encouraging her to eat every hour. Which is not going to happen. She mentioned her birthday again and I said I'm not getting enough sleep.

 :aaauuugh:

That comment of your mother's that you should sleep train your baby is very callous towards your LO. I don't think sleep training of babies is recommended until after 6 months of age. Marzibet, I think you said that you are breastfeeding - I bf my daughter too. I remember it sometimes seemed like all I was doing was breastfeeding but I think that's what breastfeeding is like - you just have to breastfeed on demand to make sure your LO is getting enough and to keep your milk supply up.

When my  mother made demands of me with regards to my son, I saw that her demands did not have my son's interests in mind. The day after a 12 hour journey including two flights, she wanted to bring my 3 month old breastfeeding son off in a carrier on her own to show him off to her pals. My mother's demands only benefited her - she could show off my son and bathe in the attention that a newborn gets. It was not in my son's interest to be taken off by alone without his mother and source of food by a very selfish grandmother. In the end I did not allow my mother to take my son off without food for who knows how long. She also had a plan to take him off without me for a two week holiday to a big city on his own. This was when he was 2 and he did not have regular contact with her, so he didn't know her. She was going to take my son off to a big city that she loves, not somewhere that a little toddler would like.

PD grandparents unreasonable actions towards their grandchildren give you an insight into how you were treated as a child. In my case, my mother's needs came first, not mine. I think my mother's expectations towards my children showed the same callous disregard that she had for me as a child.

It doesn't seem to me that your mother has your interests or your LOs interests in mind. I think you need to do whatever you have to do to look after yourself and your LOs.

I think someone else's suggestion of blocking your aunt is a good one. Your aunt seems to be enabling your mother, does your aunt enjoy stirring the pot?

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marizabet

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #36 on: November 10, 2018, 08:52:14 PM »
I've actually been struggling a ltitle with how hard it had been to get back into the swing of normal life...I was bringing LO to school 3 days after baby was born and somehow thought it would only get better. I've been on and off exhausted since

My aunt has never done anything like this before so I was really surprised. I usually really like her otherwise and I'm surprise my mom vented to her bc she likes to act like we are closer than we are, so I'm surprised she broke that illusion. The funny thing is that you can tell that my mom really annoys aunts husband (moms brother). My mom has other siblings that seem to be really bothered by her.

I know I was emotionally neglected as a child. When my mom says to let the baby cry, H says no wonder I was supposedly an unhappy baby. And my other aunt says that my dad is the one who raised me, including as a baby.

Right now I guess I pity my mom. But I don't want any of her ickiness sticking on me and my FOC. I'm sure my grandma messed her up a little, but then my mom should sort that out in therapy instead of letting it rub off on people like me.
« Last Edit: November 10, 2018, 08:55:05 PM by marizabet »

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Sojourner17

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #37 on: November 10, 2018, 11:32:26 PM »
Marizabet,  Iím reading this thread and seeing similarities in our situations.  Iím sorry that you are having a hard go right now. I hope you are able to create the space to get the rest you need. 

What your mom said about sleep training was not thinking about your LO at all. I agree with what someone else posted about it. I remember my mom saying something similar when our first was born but it was about breastfeeding and how long I was going to bf. She told me that she stopped with me when I was 3 months bc I bit her and she was having none of that (she basically punished me the way I see it) and gave me formula and I turned out just fine (I was having latch issues with LO at the time).  I didnít take her advice. 

You know what is best for LO and yourself. Rooting for you mama!!!
"Tomorrow is a new day with no mistakes in it..." - Anne of Green Gables by L.M. Montgomery

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: Unrealistic expectations from uNmom
« Reply #38 on: November 11, 2018, 02:20:48 AM »
UnBPD Didi tried to convince me she was sick and in the hospital so often that it made me contact her even *less* - because I knew she was working an agenda that only benefited *her.*   :blowup:

I noticed the same thing about your mom - if you visit, or your DH drops by (going out-of-his-way to do so), SHE is the only one who gets anything out of it. 

The rest of you get nothing but irritated and annoyed.   :roll:

I think your aunt might be ramping up the pressure on you as an indirect way of saying, "HELP!  I can't stand this!  She's driving me crazy!  What the hell did I sign up for!?!?  I've GOT to get her out of my hair, so I'll keep reminding Marizabet to call, so I can get a moment's peace, and hopefully, she'll cave and take that horrible woman off my hands!"

My response would to be to block her, indefinitely, and call your mother *no more* than once a week, and for *no more* than five minutes - set your timer  if you have to, and use it as an excuse to get off the phone.   :yes:

If she won't stop bleating the same sad, self-pitying bleats about visiting, over and over - I'd call even *less* - like once every 10 days to 2 weeks.   :ninja:

And her advice about your baby is appalling -  I don't even have kids, and I recognize it as *terrible* advice.   >:(

The next time she suggests anything regarding your baby - especially eating and sleeping, you might want to consider asking her when she had the time to get her medical degree, and ask which medical school she attended.  :evil2:

With luck, she'll be so offended, she'll give you the Silent Treat.   :bigwink:

She's just going to keep it up and keep it up until she gets her way or you *drop the rope* and block her (even temporarily, to give you breathing room), or you just lay down the law and say, "NO.  Now stop asking.  It's not going to work.  And stop giving me unsolicited advice about LO.  I don't want to hear it."

That one actually *did* work with unBPD Didi - but she'd get in a snotty, "Yes, MOTHER!" before abiding by my wishes.

It was worth  it, though - and even though she'd pout and pretend to sob - you know, the whole body gets involved in the Academy Award Winning Performance of Mom is Upset   :roll: - I could tune it out easily, and pretend everything was *lovely*   8-)

That's what I suggest you do, too - even if she'd giving her performance by phone,  *ignore it* and stick to the weather until your timer goes off.

Please realize YOU hold all the cards - your mom holds *none.*  YOU are in the power position - she has no power except words and FOG.

Just because she trained you from a very early age that it's Mommy Uber Alles, doesn't mean it stays that way forever - you may have needed to think that way to survive until you managed to get out, but it's no longer the case - you have others who need and depend on you, a full life, a marriage, possibly a job-job you haven't mentioned (or not - being a SAHM IS a full-time job!), friends, a social life, and the whole nine yards.

Those are all MORE important and take a higher priority than your mom, who CAN take care of herself, but just doesn't WANT to, and thinks she can abdicate all responsibility, while retaining *total* control - and it just doesn't work that way.

You owe her *nothing* - but you owe yourself, DH and children *everything.*   :sunny:

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