Outmaneuvered and outmatched

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VeronicaStrength

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Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« on: November 07, 2018, 06:02:45 AM »
In my own arrogance or foolishness, I thought I could go NC with my uPD parent. I did not realize that immediately after I asked her to attend family therapy with me and she flat refused (something I warned her would force me to remove myself and her grandchildren from her almost daily intrusions into our lives) that she began quietly working on a smear campaign to discredit me and isolate me from all previous supporters.  She spent several years researching our local laws and laying the groundwork to allow her to go to court (without ever even notifying me, the custodial parent) and obtain emergency guardianship over my children.

I have proof she knowingly lied about absolutely everything including saying my children and I had lived with her until I left them in her loving, competent care several years ago. She claimed I suffer from mental disorders I have never had and said I was not only absent but not even financially contributing to my kids as I was unemployed, homeless and addicted to drugs for the past few years and refused drug treatment. Oh and that I was also threatening to kidnap my own children from her (who they didnít live with) if she sought legal guardianship.

Iíve contacted multiple lawyers and all I can do is petition to get my kids back and let the courts decide during hearing. Meanwhile, this psycho is emotionally and physically abusing my children. CPS says itís not enough to remove my kids and each call to them only further enrages my controlling N mother to punish my children who are now to afraid to tell me what abuses are happening. And all attempts Iíve made to prevent abuse by her on my kids gets me less visitation with my children.

I donít understand how a parent can loose a child in less than a week without any notice but there is no similar process in existence when the guardian is the dangerous one.

Help! What do I do now? File family court and stand by while she hurts my children for 6-12 months more. My kids have threatened to run away or commit suicide and she not only ignores this, she hides it from me!

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Yael924

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #1 on: November 07, 2018, 07:59:33 AM »
Is it possible to request that the children be placed with a third party? That would at least keep them from your mother. I beleive it might be a guardian ad litem if you are in the states.

So very sorry for this. You must be loosing your mind with worry.
Focus on pulling your paperwork together. Think about any interactions you had that could show the kids were in your care.
Is it possible to get statements from the neighbors, coaches, day care or the kids school? Who did drop off and pick up?
Any old grocery lists? If they list kids items (captaiin crunch, kids toothpaste, diapers, ect, that could at least allow the judge/court master that the kids live with you.
Your Netflix video list? Can you show kids were watching kids shows at the house
Try to focus and pull together as much as you can to show you were taking care of the kids,
Good luck and keep posting whenever you need.

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Yael924

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #2 on: November 07, 2018, 08:02:20 AM »
Also -- please search this board, there is a procedure for what to do when there is a credible threat of suicide.
I think it is to call the police, but I am not sure.

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VeronicaStrength

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #3 on: November 08, 2018, 12:24:56 PM »
Thank you Yael924,
Proving the guardianship was all lies was my initial thought too but for some unknown reason, all the lawyers Iíve consulted with say that it is irrelevant, the judge made an order appointing my abusive mother guardian and that even though it should have never been granted, the time to contest it was before the judge ruled - even though I was never served so had no opportunity to do so. 
Iíve been told all that matters is showing Iím a fit parent today. This makes me feel abused not just by my mother but by our legal system too. A few attorneys have suggested I could ask for a successor guardian while I prove to the courts that Iím fit (someone else who my mom hasnít already testified negatively about) because each accusation is going to have to be overcome to get my kids back.
That said, this has already cost me thousands of dollars and I can feel my kids suffering even just talking to them by phone. I donít understand why the process to undo something that seems like such a clear case of malicious legal abuse has to go through the standard channels (soonest hearing we can get is May) when she was able to get an emergency temporary custody order in a matter of weeks. I have even considered sinking to her level and lying to create urgency in the eyes of the court - but UNLIKE my mother, my childrenís welfare actually matters to me...and I worry sheíll show up and fight me in court and then weíd both be discredited and what could happen to my poor kids if I were to act so recklessly scares me too.

I have tried searching this forum for several weeks but I donít seem to find anything similar (maybe Iím searching the wrong phrases). I guess Iíll just have to systematically read each threads starting post 😪

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Rose1

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #4 on: November 09, 2018, 05:01:51 AM »
My condolences. This situation seems to be fairly rare. So I was wondering if a phone call to the high conflict institute is in order to find a lawyer with experience in pd high conflict cases. Not a lawyer but it seems to me that you not being notified denied you and your kids natural justice and may be a point of rectification.  It may be that an experienced lawyer might behave able to find a way to deal with this, even an emergency order. But it takes someone who understands pd.

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Adria

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #5 on: November 09, 2018, 11:26:25 AM »
Veronica,

This is terrible. I am so sorry for what you are going through at the hands of your mother.

When I told my mother that i was going to therapy, she immediately started with the smear campaigns to everyone I loved, stating that poor Adria is so crazy, she has to go to therapy.  See we told you, etc. etc.  Then my aunts started calling me and saying, "I don't know why you can't keep it together, Adria," and much more.

Seeing your post makes me think that this is a thing.  If they find out we are in therapy, it just gives them more ammunition.  We think we are doing something good, and they don't miss a trick.  Yael gave you some good advice.  I would ask to bring eyewitnesses of people who know you had your children with you, and can vouch for the antics of your mother. 

I wish you all the best. Hugs to you, Adria

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Yael924

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #6 on: November 09, 2018, 06:48:17 PM »
I've been trying to think of a course of action -- I think your mom is a special level of evil. (hope this is not considered name calling by the mods.)

I would try the divorce boards here and perhaps Reddit sub reddit: legal advice. You may not find your specific issue, but you will find people who have had their legal system weaponized against them. This does occur in divorce/custody battles, but only when the offending parent is a  :aaauuugh:

The only thing I can think of -- is that I was told to document everything. Every interaction/phone call. You should do that and perhaps your kids could document Gmas behavior -- but only if they can maintain their safety. Can they email you?

I know I'm no help, but I am totally sending positive thoughts to you and the children. Hope you can hang in there.

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VeronicaStrength

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2018, 11:38:24 PM »
I am listening to everyone though Iím not replying and I truly appreciate everyoneís support.

Rose1 I had never heard of the high conflict institute but did google and poke around their website. They offer private consults, is that what I am looking for from them? Or do they give reversals right lawyers near me that have had theyíre training which would be awesome but I couldnít find any sort of directory or referral process on their site.  Looks very promising but I donít know what Iím asking them for 🤷🏻‍♀️ Could you please explain some more for me?  The stress of this all completely obliterated my IQ

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Rose1

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2018, 12:41:15 AM »
Bill eddy has written a number of books around dealing with high conflict individuals and methods. I believe they supply training to lawyers as well as consult and should be able to recommend someone close to you. I would contact them and see what they are able to offer. I believe his books are reviewed on this site. I gave not used them but have heard good things

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VeronicaStrength

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #9 on: December 10, 2018, 11:53:23 AM »
I want to thank everyone who has read my post and especially those of you who have replied. This drama with my uPD mother seems to know no limits...I will explain soon. Long story short, the high conflict institute, the subreddits for legal advice, the research Iíve done on these forums and irl has been nothing short of lifesaving. Well, I pray it is. We shall see how my mother responds as everything she has done begins to unravel soon.

I can not find the words to express my gratitude for the affirming and supportive nature of this website and itís offshoots.

I dare not say too much as Iím aware my mother somehow continues to outmaneuver me and my big mouth. ďIf you donít get into therapy or at the very least come to therapy with me, you will not know where we live.Ē Lesson learned, painfully beyond my understanding despite decades of abuse from her.

I am so scared. Although Iím physically fit, I smoke cigarettes and have since high school. Of course, I have the standard trauma disorders now so my mental health is shot...but my mother is grossly overweight with severe hypertension for many year now and of course, she has a lifelong history of alcoholism (standard for uPD isnít it?) Iím not sure anymore of what Iíve actually read or what Iíve heard about why she is treating me as she has for so long....but Iím so afraid of the fallout as I move forward to protect my children from her.

My motherís recent comments to me and in front of my youngest daughter and the father of my two kids leads me to believe I may not be around to see my children safely removed from her guardianship.

But as long as my girls ARE safe Iíve made my peace with it and they will know they were truly loved. Iíve begun making, what I guess you might call, a video diary. Just in case I canít reach my girls to unmask my motherís duplicitous nature.

Itís ironic to see my mother referred to as evil. Iíve certainly spent a lifetime name calling her to her face and behind her back. My daughters now occupy that space in this drama. I donít condone their behavior towards her. I definitely understand why they do it as sheís earned every curse word under their breath or yelled out of the mouths. But if Iím successful and alive living happily somewhere with both of my daughters by this time next year, then the 3 of us will have had to go no contact (without warning this time of course) and this is our last Christmas with my mother, their grandmother and everyone on my motherís side of our family );

I deeply regretful for all of the mistakes Iíve made along my journey Out of the FOG. And I wish I could take back every time I called her evil or Vader or the devil.

Calling her those things never changed her behavior. She is who she is. It was my behavior that changed when I allowed her to have so much power over me that my behavior was so ugly. And Iím just so over feeling ugly inside. I choose to be happier and look for better days ahead.

But right this moment, all I can do is focus on the present. Anger hatred and accusations against her past actions are not gonna consume me for one more minute. Daydreams of when this is behind us are so far from where my little family is living (still separated by unjust laws) today, happily ever after endings seem incredibly naive and cause me to tailspin further towards a dark abyss I choose not to follow again.

That said CPS is FINALLY at least investigating because the physical abuse is beginning to leave marks.

I feel so lost and I am ready to accept full personal responsibility that as much as I think the legal systems in place looking at the Best Insterests of the Minors suck, this is all my fault.

I should have been more aware of how dangerous my mother could get. The signs have been there forever and I chose to overlook them. Anyone being abused and keeping it in the family because we donít call the cops on each is (forgive me I hope this isnít namecalling) just acting stupid. Do you not realize  ďkeeping family mattersĒ such as this private is equal to keeping the cycle of abuse in your family?

I know I didnít. I thought if I took care of my emotional well being and didnít abuse my children the cycle would be broken. Ha! Man was I an idiot. Well, idiot no more.

Changing gears:
Has anyone read Operation Lighthouse?

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VeronicaStrength

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #10 on: December 10, 2018, 11:57:59 AM »
Btw the third party guardians are not an option. Each one Iíve approached is too afraid to say yes after the cut up job my mother did on me and the guardian I gave durable POA last time. And the ones left who are willing donít believe my mother fabricated all of this as Iím the schizophrenic addict who abandoned her granddaughters and sheís only done what she had to (insight sigh here).

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all4peace

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Re: Outmaneuvered and outmatched
« Reply #11 on: December 10, 2018, 12:09:05 PM »
VeronicaStrength, I can only begin to imagine what it would be like for you to go through this. I think that you are living many of our worst nightmares. I am so very sorry for what your mother has done to you and your family. I'm thankful others were able to guide you to some help, and I hope and pray it will be enough.

Thank you for your warning. I'm about to fully mix it up with my own NM and it is good to remember to be wary and cautious. It is sobering and horrifying to realize yet again that some parents actually do actively work to harm their children, even into adulthood.

You sound very strong and like you're working on the things you have control, and that's incredible. Keep that up and let us keep supporting you as you need it. :hug: