Honey do lists

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logistics

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Honey do lists
« on: November 08, 2018, 07:10:45 PM »
Spouse likes to leave me notes to day. There's no asking of gratitude. There is no affection just a list of items. Run this errand,  do this task...I don't expect any signs of gratitude after tasks are done. I'd like to call it another type of list but I'd get censored.  Is this a common behavior? Am I over reacting? How do I solve this treatment?  Am I too sensitive?

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Starboard Song

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #1 on: November 09, 2018, 10:06:54 AM »
I think this is something that many healthy people succumb to: they take their SO for granted, and fail to express little thank yous. So your spouse's behavior may be nothing. It is probably just a habit.

But you aren't too sensitive: these little thank yous are the gracious gestures that sustain us. They are so easy and tiny, but they are very important. My wife made the bed yesterday because I had gotten in very late from the airport. "Thanks for getting the bed, sweetie." It seems so simple, but it is the food of love.

And when we are married for a good while, it gets to be that we count the missed tasks instead of thanking someone for all the good they do every day. That habit we all struggle against is corrosive to feelings of love and appreciation.

You can build a deliberate culture of appreciation in your home.

Do you thank your spouse for a majority of the meals served to you? Do you find little things, like -- they got you more of the coffee you drink without you mentioning it, so "Hey, sweetie! Thanks for thinking about that coffee: now I'm ready for Saturday morning!" Do you occasionally offer to rebalance workloads or standard chores? If you have kids, do you stop once a week or so to acknowledge all their hard work for school?

Maybe your spouse has PD-type issues that make this a challenge. And you may need to be very forthright about how you are feeling, observing that it is your own feeling and need: not an accusation. "Maybe we are falling into this habit, and I don't want to. You are far too important to me for us to get stuck in any sort of rut. Because every day we each do so much for each other, that to think of taking that for granted, or of either of us coming to feel unappreciated, just breaks my heart."

At the very least, lead by example.

Good strength to you!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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logistics

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2018, 11:43:13 PM »

Do you thank your spouse for a majority of the meals served to you? Spouse has never served me a meal.
Do you find little things, like -- they got you more of the coffee you drink without you mentioning it,
Spouse never has bought me my favorite coffee. Last Christmas my gift from spouse was two candy bars. Which spouse ended up eating without asking my permission.
 Do you occasionally offer to rebalance workloads or standard chores?
I do 95% of the chores.
If you have kids, do you stop once a week or so to acknowledge all their hard work for school? I always acknowledge their effort.

Maybe your spouse has PD-type issues that make this a challenge. And you may need to be very forthright about how you are feeling, observing that it is your own feeling and need: not an accusation. "Maybe we are falling into this habit, and I don't want to. You are far too important to me for us to get stuck in any sort of rut. Because every day we each do so much for each other, that to think of taking that for granted, or of either of us coming to feel unappreciated, just breaks my heart."
I tell spouse occasionally and it either changes briefly or I get ridiculed for my feelings.
At the very least, lead by example.


Thank you Starboard Song

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Starboard Song

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #3 on: November 11, 2018, 09:35:23 AM »
I'm very sorry. So much for the optimistic path.

It maybe time to consult with a T. Maybe others here have had similar experiences. Clearly this is a deep issue.

Again, though, good strength to you!
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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bgirl12

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2018, 08:13:17 PM »
Questions to think about:
What happens if you don't do what is on the list? What is the reaction?

Do you always do what is on the list?

Do you ask your spouse to do anything? How do you ask and how do they help you? How do they respond to your asking method?

I think a note is great if you aren't going to be home when they get there or you want to make a reminder...a call or text could do the same thing when appropriate.

I think if there is no thanks or you feel like you are having demands placed on you I would wonder why the other person feels the need to do it like so. Maybe they are stressed and need to know that all they have to do is just talk to you because you want to help. Maybe they are acting passive aggressive so they don't have to confront. It would be more fun to do things together with the time you have even if it is errands and chores.

I think it's awesome when you help one another out and feel it is fair and appreciated.

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logistics

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2018, 09:41:34 PM »
Today spouse got mad that I didn't help with a cleaning project. I went to help but spouse flipped out at a simple question about throwing something out.  (Spouse likes to throw out anything that he deems not necessary. I didn't mind the item thrown out it just surprised me.) I left. I didn't need to help if you can't be nice. Do it alone.

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Typo

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2018, 02:32:04 AM »
We had an issue with my dh giving me to-do lists for years. They were always impossible, never ending, thankless lists. Usually things that didn't make my priority list.

In a better point in our marriage, I was able to out law The To-Do List.  For whatever reason, that boundry has not been one to be challenged much. I have told him I am more then happy to help if he needs something, but he needs to ask me and have a reason why he is passing a duty off to me.  Truthfully though, l already maintain the household and family things aside from his own personal affairs, so my own personal to-do list usually covers what needs to be done.

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pkff

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Re: Honey do lists
« Reply #7 on: December 02, 2018, 02:18:05 AM »
This has been an issue between my DS and DIL.  In the household DS grew up in we didn't do honey do lists.  If we could do it ourselves, we did it and didn't tell someone else to do it although we did ask for help if needed.  In DIL's household, her m and f practiced the honey do list and f seems not to mind.  DS has explained to DIL but to no avail.  It has been a bone of contention between them.  It seems that this may be a difference in upbringing?