Introduction

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anjou

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Introduction
« on: November 08, 2018, 10:08:56 PM »
Hello,
I am thankful to have finally found an online forum to connect with others that have struggled with similar issues. I have done a lot of work on myself to get to the place that I am in my life; a happy functioning place. It took me years and years to recover from my childhood to get to the place where I am now. I am super thankful. My mother has narcissistic personality disorder. She raised my sister and I on her own in a super crazy, neglected and abusive way; trapped.  I am 52 years old. Two years ago I decided that I didn't want to go through being triggered or hurt by her anymore. I stopped talking to her. It has been a relief to not have to spend time recovering from seeing her. It has helped me to delve deeper into a feeling of happiness and inner security. It's not just that she was an abusive parent in my childhood, she keeps on going. She spreads lies about me to everyone and has done it my entire life. I have had numerous people approach me over the years, especially when I was younger and tell me that they know that I am a horrible person bc my mother told them about me. Later in life I also started getting messages from people that were friends of hers for years, that didn't believe me when I was younger, BUT shared with me that they now find her toxic and can no longer have contact with her. My father told me yesterday that he doesn't like me, but the fact is that he barely knows me. We have lived in different countries my entire life, I never saw him until I was an adult and then I have barely seen him. It hurt me, but it was kinda a weird relief too, bc no more passive-aggressive. I wasn't raised by him, so I am not that attached. I am so used to being treated badly by a parent. This experience with my dad yesterday stimulated my desire to be on a forum and connect to others in similar situations. I have no close friends with a similar background. It is a relief to find this. The days, nights, hours, years of pain that I have endured bc of my mother I would wish upon no one. My kids have a happy life and I have been able to forge a good life for myself, but this childhood stuff seems to be something that is always there energetically. I see it in the periphery, but I have learned to pass it by, not give it too much attention. It is just something that lives with me. I have deep empathy towards helping people find their peace. It's been a personal lifetime focus for me. Thank you for having me. :)

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all4peace

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #1 on: November 08, 2018, 11:32:29 PM »
anjou, I am so thankful you have found us here. Come on in, sit down, and rest. When we are raised by PD parents, we have no way of knowing that our entire brain is being shaped by distortions, our attachment is being created in painful ways, and many burdens are being placed on our shoulders. Many of us finally face things in our adult lives that drive us to find help and support, and we can start working through all the muck, getting clean again, strong , healthy.

Please be sure to read through the resources on this forum, share more as you wish and are able, and join us in this healing journey. We welcome you!

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bgirl12

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #2 on: November 09, 2018, 01:08:29 AM »
I am very proud of you. I understand it is always awkward trying to tell others about your family who were not abused or did not recognize abuse. They don't believe you, say "Oh, they love you. Every family has their issues." Well, here we learn and get it out and get help and support.
Your dad should be proud of you that you grew up, have a family and contribute to your community. He sounds like he is just not empathetic, maybe projecting his guilt onto you because he wasn't there. It could just be your fault and he'll feel better about it, right? Wrong. You were a child. A precious little child. And he can't get that time back. It's not your fault it was like that and it's not your fault he doesn't like you. I pray you get the healing you deserve and peace inside. Welcome and hugs to you.

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Summer Sun

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #3 on: November 09, 2018, 12:37:10 PM »
Anjou, just wanted to add my welcome.  When we are unloved, rejected, abandoned and abused by our parents, as All4peace suggests, it affects our development and survivor traits can manifest.  The wounds from unmet needs IME have been similar to what you describe as energetically always being with you, on the periphery, I liken it to an embedded shadow of sorts. 

Be proud of yourself that you have risen from the ash to achieve a good life for yourself and your children are happy.  You identify as having empathy towards people finding their peace, again, what a gift.  I describe this within myself as there being “purpose in the pain”. 

Your father’s responses are all about him.  And what a loss, for him.  What a beautiful, strong, intelligent D he could have.  Your M to.  I find the 3 C’s helpful. 

Yes, it is difficult for others to understand who were raised right.  We get it.  You will find much support, understanding, invaluable resources and validation here at OOTF. 

Sometimes, when we are SG’d and find NC necessary, it can feel like we are orphans, or part of our identity and sense of belonging has been misplaced.  Part of my healing process has been developing healthy, meaningful, reciprocal relationships, grieving the losses, processing the pain with the help of a T. 

Sending positive thoughts and hugs your way.

Summer Sun

"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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anjou

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #4 on: November 12, 2018, 02:43:33 AM »
Thank you kindly for your lovely responses to my introduction. It means so much. Hugs.

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Petra5

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #5 on: November 12, 2018, 10:37:01 AM »
Your story reminds me so much of my own, especially your mother telling people that you are a bad person, lies about you etc. I've dealt with that exact issue with my own mother. She's cost me jobs, she's kept me isolated from my cousins and other biological family, and also like you I have people calling me out of the blue during the year to tell me that my mother hunted them down to tell them I am abusive to her, that I have "parental alienation syndrome" (I've been no contact for 2.5 years which is how I abuse her)... I really feel like no one who hasn't lived through this understands it. I am on the crest of 40 and it's taken me becoming a professional, and being able to show no emotion as I tell my story just to be taken seriously.

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anjou

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Re: Introduction
« Reply #6 on: November 25, 2018, 07:46:09 PM »
Thank you for sharing that all of this with me. I truly appreciate it and am so blessed to have found this site after all these years. One of the biggest nightmares of my life has been the psychological abuse from my mother of her determination to turn people against me. It is bizarre, extremely painful, crazy-making, lifetime nightmare. And I agree with you on the talking about it; I have had to learn to be really calm and non-reactive when speaking of it, or people will think that what she is saying it somehow true. That has been one of the worst experiences of my life, especially when I was young and thought that people would be able to hear me. I would go to people to get help, those that i trusted would turn on me and say that they know that I am a liar bc my mother told them; why would a mother do that if it wasn't true? the whole gambit... I even saw DR PHIL do that on TV with a mother and daughter as the daughter cried in misbelieve and betrayal that her mother was lying about her to the audience and DR PHIL didn't get it. He went after the daughter too. I could recognize what was happening so clearly bc that has been my life experience. I have never, ever watched DR PHIL again. Even experts can make mistakes, and that was a painful one to witness. I only hope that some professional in his circle called him out on it. The two darkest shadows that have loomed over me over the years is the deep betrayal of support/obsessive smear campaign from my mother and the fact that my education and confidence were messed with growing up. I have NC with my mother. I have gone on and off over the years, but had one of those final straw moments and created a big boundary two years ago. I just starting reading "Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse" by Shannon Thomas. You may find it helpful; it's been emotionally liberating to read. In order to survive in general, working on my emotional and psychological issues has had to be a lifestyle choice, or I wouldn't have survived (then literally survive and now survive with any happiness) My empathic heart doesn't want anyone to feel trapped and alone, ever. I appreciate talking about this stuff with other like-minded people, and I am very much here to give support as well. I believe in all of you.