Do you think this person is a covert narcissist ?

[DameMelba001]

Hi all.

I have an unusual situation / rship I want to share with you and get feedback on please.

A couple of years back I reconnected with my ex from the 90s. We had spent 7.5 years together from 19 to 27 back then and had lost touch for 17 years.

I had always known he was selfish and a tad vain. He always had intellectual insecurities and felt outshone by my personality but we always seemed to complement one another and we were generally pretty happy in between the tumultuous moments.

What he offered in our relationship was a calm in my storm, he was loving and affectionate, he was supportive of my achievements and career and he also knew I was highly attracted to him. He was very attractive back in those days and had a great body etc. He worked out regularly, and had a lot of women throwing themselves at him which he always took delight in letting me know about but I trusted him. We were considered the lucky golden couple back when we were young.

Then it slowly fell apart; I became more serious with my career and felt he was dragging me back two steps every time I took three. I put him through Uni, he refused to work while he studied and we did it pretty tough as you do when you're young and married.

As it turned out he had cheated on me once when I was living overseas (before we married) but still committed to each other. He got rotten drunk at a party one night and an older woman had her way with him. He hid this from me for 4 years during our relationship and marriage, and I still didn't know about this when I left him in 1998. It was to my devastation that I found out about this later through his Narc SIL when she was rubbing salt into the wound of our breakup.

So fast forward 17 years, I've survived a second horrible marriage to a malignant narissist with a dark triad personality and I start reminiscing about how partner no. 1 was a dream rship compare to him.

We reconnect, long story short we get back together again and have had another difficult 2.5 years together with two separations, but keep getting drawn back to each other.

All I've wanted from him is to see him grow up.

He lives in a share house with mates, he doesn't ever do anything special for me or show any effort, when the going gets tough with my teenagers he puts his motorbike helmet on just like he used to in the old days and takes off, leaving me crying and alone.

This guy started out a few years ago telling me that he never got over me, that he never repartnered because they weren't me, he was full of renewed love and compliments.

Then slowly he got comfortable; the compliments waned and in fact he puts me down with little quips from time to time to let me know I'm not too special or important, and that his needs are every bit as important as mine.

He claims that I am hyper paranoid and sensitive due to the narc damage my second husband did with gas lighting yet I'm sure he's gas lighting me and paying me back with petty one upmanship from time to time.

He's now admitted he loves our sex life, and loves waking up with me but wishes "the rest wasn't so complicated". I assume "the rest" is the day to day crap you've got to get through with kids in between the sex.

We've had a few weeks cold on one another, and I texted him the other night asking if he wanted to talk. He says no, he can't face talking to me and that he is "grieving" ... even though we haven't said we're over.

He had deliberately been 2 hours late to my place a few weeks ago as my son waited for him, only to throw a previous time I was 25 mins late to something as an example of why I had no right to complain.

I'm just done with him, and I'm pretty sure he's a covert narcissist with controlling passive aggressive tactics but I suppose I want to hear your thoughts on this guy. He's been the love of my life but I feel like it's the same selfish guy from 20 years ago, never willing to put me or my needs in front of his own.

Last week he texted me out of the blue at 1am, telling me he'd had "a strange dream" about me (I don't believe him) and was I ok. When I didn't reply to him straight away he went around me to my mum, asking if I was ok. He then texts me an hour later saying he'd heard from my mum that I'm ok but busy, so no need to text him.

Basically, while we're good we're good. Being good involves in pampering him, "respecting him" (he is obsessed with me never disrespecting him in any way), making him coeliac friendly food, making sure I give him equal attention and not being "too confident" about myself.

Gents and ladies ... can I have your thoughts ?

It's so hard to let the love of your life go but I just think he's a selfish, covert narcissist. I seem to only attract narcissists !

[StayWithMe]

He sounds like too much work to me.

Why is he contacting your mother at 1am in the morning.  Since my parents never had god boundaries when guys I have dated contacted them, that kind of maneuver gets my back up.

[Spygirl]

I think if you re -read this post, you will probably answer your own question.

He sounds to me like a cnpd, and i was married to one.

I agree it sounds like too much trouble, and he sounds like a child imo.

When i left my cnpdh, the hardest, most important part of my journey has been to look in the mirror and repair my personal damage that makes these dweebs attractive to me. I dont want any more of them in my life. So far, my editing skills are doing well.

[Wilderhearts]

I had a wonderful sweetheart of partner once who was "over-confident," in a nonchalant way.  He even once pointed to a painting on my wall and said "sure I could probably paint that," - not realizing it was a Picasso. His genuine confidence was what attracted me to him - his ease with people is something I don't have.  Those quirky (unrealistic) little things that he said because he was overconfident - those are the imperfections that give us a chance to love people.  I would never have asked him to stop.

If he's threatened by your genuine confidence, regardless of whether you're being "over-confident" or not, it means he doesn't have enough of his own - and pwNPD generally have low internal self-esteem and try to mask it with high external self-esteem/confidence.  Maybe he's afraid you'll outshine him - in which case he probably needs to feel superior to you, which is very NPD.  Or maybe he's afraid you'll attract someone better for you than him, and he'll lose his fuel.  Either way, he is literally asking you to lower your confidence.  That's not a reasonable thing to ask of anyone.

[commongoal123]

Coming from a guy, this dude sounds extremely controlling.  Covert Narc?  I don't know enough about him from your post to confidently say so.

Regardless of his Covert status, he sounds very controlling and selfish with manipulative rainbow sprinkles on top.

Maybe reading your post back to yourself will offer you some clarity, as one of the members ove suggested.

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  May your decisions and consequences flow smoothly.

-Common

[Daywalker]

Definitely a covert narcissist.
You are attracted to narcissist ( your ex partner ) and hes basically textbook.
Learn as much as you can about covert narcissist ( little shaman on youtube is good )
Then you will see he is absolutely a covert narc.
And what's very important,  you NEED to look at yourself. WHY do you fall for narcissist. And then heal yourself. And become a healthy, happy you that chooses good partners for yourself. This is difficult and confronting. And you have to push yourself and be willing to let coping mechanisms like denial go.
But it's totally do-able. And it's the best thing you will ever do for you.
( I did it, so you can too )