Help my H let go of harmful fire/brimstone type beliefs?

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DJCleo

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Help my H let go of harmful fire/brimstone type beliefs?
« on: November 15, 2018, 05:53:30 PM »
My husband was raised by a BPD mother who went to church in a place that preached fire and brimstone and predestination. This left my husband searching and he found a way that helps him feel at ease most of the time. Part of the reason I stay in the denomination I'm in is because I know that people will always disappoint, but that God isn't bound to our ways anyway, and if me staying where I am helps my husband stay at ease in a faith way, then that's all the more reason to stay put, so to speak.

Sometimes he shares his worries and fears with me... sometimes these worries are something to do with "God must be punishing me because I've done x" with this bad job or this other problem. This happens when he's particularly stressed by something at the job he hates.

To me, this is absurd that God would be punishing him for normal human failings. I was raised in a household that put GOD first in relationship and then rules as secondary.

 I get the feeling / understanding that he somewhat knows he's not supposed to think that way, but he doesn't know how to change it.

I know a there was probably more to this in his household growing up. Phrases such as "spare the rod spoil the child" were used to support BPD MIL as she would strike her children. My husband learned to deflect it and move on as soon as he was large enough to do so. Eventually BPD MIL stopped altogether, but H was already a teen by then.

I just get the feeling from some of the things my H says, that if he were able to dismantle some of these early programs (fire / brimstone, predestination) a little more firmly, then he would hopefully not have these fears of God punishing him or he might feel like God answered him at times in prayer.

I know faith is a tough subject. But I want to support him in ways that I don't think he got growing up at all. His parents pray, but with BPD MIL in the house, there was so much emotional hurt going on as well...

He may just have to go over this in therapy at some point. He seems to like the rules of our denomination to help him feel secure, but I wonder if I could ever perhaps support him in feeling more personally connected to God?


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coyote

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Re: Help my H let go of harmful fire/brimstone type beliefs?
« Reply #1 on: November 15, 2018, 06:09:43 PM »
I said this in another post. We misunderstand so much of God and Jesus' words. " Phrases such as "spare the rod spoil the child" were used to support BPD MIL as she would strike her children." The "rod" was actually speaking to the shepherd's staff. The "rod" as used by the shepherd was to provide direction and guidance; never being used to strike the animal as it might spoil the flesh and the meat.  The hook on the staff could be used to rescue the sheep when it got caught in brambles or ditches.

I don't know how to teach this to a PD though. I don't believe in fire, demons, or really even hell for that matter. I think we give power to Satan through our fear. So I choose to replace fear with love and faith. I wish you luck with this. Peace and strength to you.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius

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DJCleo

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Re: Help my H let go of harmful fire/brimstone type beliefs?
« Reply #2 on: November 15, 2018, 11:45:46 PM »
I said this in another post. We misunderstand so much of God and Jesus' words. " Phrases such as "spare the rod spoil the child" were used to support BPD MIL as she would strike her children." The "rod" was actually speaking to the shepherd's staff. The "rod" as used by the shepherd was to provide direction and guidance; never being used to strike the animal as it might spoil the flesh and the meat.  The hook on the staff could be used to rescue the sheep when it got caught in brambles or ditches.

I don't know how to teach this to a PD though. I don't believe in fire, demons, or really even hell for that matter. I think we give power to Satan through our fear. So I choose to replace fear with love and faith. I wish you luck with this. Peace and strength to you.

My H is does not have a PD.  My MIL does though. I wouldn't bother, personally, to explain this concept to her that you explained about the rod being there to help provide direction and guidance, except in passing. I tend to be a direct person when I can be... but not with her. It would be too provocative to say something to her without it just being in passing. Plus, I know I can't cure, change, or control her, so why would I try at this point?

Although, I will explain what you shared to my H. Perhaps it's one small piece of the puzzle. I think he's got a decent handle on what he believes more than I realized as we did have a conversation this afternoon about it, but I like to try to support him any way I can. He says I'm doing everything I can and I believe him... but I do think the way he was raised makes it more difficult for him in some areas spiritually and emotionally. I

You've hit the nail on the head again Coyote. Thank you for your comforting clarifications. I'm not sure we always purely "misunderstand" God and Jesus' words so much as there are those who do misinterpret on purpose.

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coyote

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Re: Help my H let go of harmful fire/brimstone type beliefs?
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2018, 01:16:49 PM »
You have a good grasp on the issues DJ, especially when you use the 3C's as a starting point. Here's hoping you and H continue to make good speed in dealing with MIL.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you wonít feel harmed. Donít feel harmed and you havenít been. -Marcus Aurelius