NC PD parents ideas about your NC

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Orangeblossom77

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NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« on: November 16, 2018, 11:57:23 AM »
I just wondered if others had this, where the NC parents make up a story to explain your NC. With mine they seem to think
I'm 'angry' about a single incident, and also possibly that is it something to do with DH. That he is controlling, perhaps. What stories do yours make up if any?  :unsure:

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malena65

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2018, 01:04:58 PM »
I m unsure what they say as I havennt asked my siblings but my sil hinted that they feel I was grossly exaggerating matters. My brother seems to think that I need to distance myself to see it s not that bad and says things cannot improve unless I have contact so they can say sorry ... (and start again?).

They ll never understand. N, is for me.

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Bill

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2018, 02:35:47 PM »
I haven't spoken to any of my family in 5 years or so, but if my parents past behavior towards just about everyone else in their lives is any indication, I'm sure they're telling anyone who will listen that I am emotionally disturbed and/or on drugs. That's always been their go to tale about people they have treated badly. PD's just don't seem to have the capacity to self reflect, no matter how much time you give them.

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #3 on: November 17, 2018, 11:47:50 AM »
Oh yes, I forgot mine also for some reason think I am on drugs too. They use that to explain it as well.  :unsure:

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UsedUp

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2018, 11:59:31 AM »
Wow! What is it about the 'they're on drugs' story? That's what was told about me. Even tried to convince my adult child that I was a drug addict. Called police and everything.

There really must be a play book out there that only they have access to. Ugh.

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NotLost

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2018, 05:16:19 PM »
Wow, every time I visit OOTF I find how similar things are for many of us:  the drug accusations!
Not all who wander are lost  - J. R. R. Tolkien

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JustKathy

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2018, 06:33:00 PM »
From what I can glean, mine fabricated a story about a feud with another family member.

My GC brother is married to a woman who is diagnosed paranoid schizophrenic and has been verbally and physically abusive towards other family members. I never had any problems with this SIL other than an unhinged rambling email, which came right before I went NC, so I ignored it and wrote it off as the rantings of an unwell person. My Nmother, enFather, and sister all had bigger issues with her as they had continued contact at holiday gatherings, which I was no longer attending.

About five years after I went NC with my mother and stopped visiting for Christmas, my father called and tried to hoover me back in. He said it would be safe for me to come to the family Christmas that year because SIL wasn't coming. I wondered why he would mention that, then realized than Nmother was probably explaining my absence by telling everyone I was staying away because of some non-existent feud with the SIL. And since this woman really is diagnosed mentally ill, I'm pretty sure everyone believed the story.

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11JB68

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #7 on: November 17, 2018, 09:32:11 PM »
No idea what mine say begins my back, but at the time enf's comment to uPDm was that she had done nothing wrong...aunt called and asked me why I was doing this to all of them  :sly. ...and yes uPDm had everyone convinced that h was controlling me and not allowing contact. That was not the case (about contactwith foo) but ironically he is very controlling, likely pd, and I couldn't even begin to deal with that until I was away from foo. Wow I hopethey're not using the drugs excuse... I think the common thread is that none of these folks will take responsibility, and they need to save face with people in their lives....so they make stuff up and blame us.

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40andfab

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2018, 02:19:33 AM »
The only thing I'm really sure of is that they aren't taking any responsibility for their part in the NC, sadly. It could be twenty different wild stories concocted to either make me look crazy, cruel, addicted or whatever other lie will divert attention from the truth.

"The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance" Nathaniel Branden

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Orangeblossom77

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #9 on: November 19, 2018, 01:28:59 PM »
It's interesting the drugs thing and the partner thing come up quite a bit. Mine started with the drugs when I had to go into hospital with a rare (un drug related  :wacko: ) surgical problem which required urgent surgery...and instead of being caring they just accused me of taking drugs! and I was so upset my husband rang them to explain the problem but she wouldn't listen and just kept saying it was the drugs! I think that was when he realised quite how difficult it was with her. has also said about my brother being 'on drugs' too. And the other sort of excuses, too.

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practical

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #10 on: November 19, 2018, 05:56:59 PM »
M's story was I had been kidnapped by people at my work place (version 1) and alternatively by a faith group I have absolutely nothing to do with (version 2). This is despite having sent an NC letter explaining my reasons, a letter M claimed not to have received, except I found it in her things after her death.

What F is saying? I have no idea, most likely that his kids are mean and abusive and therefore he never wants to see us again, the things he said to our face before going NC with us.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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EnglishLady

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2018, 06:19:32 AM »
This is a good question.  My Narc Mother will take no responsibility for any of her behavior.   She actually thinks she has gone NC with me!!!!  She will love the fact I dont go and see her as she can then reap sympathy from her FM.    She will probably say I am mentally ill or something on those lines......her evil ways will never be discovered now and that's what I find so frustrating about being NC  :stars:

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blues_cruise

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2018, 12:35:17 PM »
I don't know for sure, but I think it's been thrown about that I have 'issues' that need treating. In a roundabout way, NF is right, that's why I no longer talk to him!

It's interesting reading this thread, amazing how the possibility that they might have mistreated us never gets considered.
« Last Edit: November 20, 2018, 12:37:35 PM by blues_cruise »
"You are not what has happened to you. You are what you choose to become." - Carl Gustav Jung

"When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." - Maya Angelou

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all4peace

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #13 on: November 20, 2018, 01:04:22 PM »
We're VLC with both sides.

On my side, I've heard uNBPDm describing sibs and sib in-laws as controlling and having anger problems. Pure projection.
On DH's side, they're questioning all our friends about what our problem is with the family. Feels a bit middle-schoolish.

If we were truly NC, then I imagine the distortions could be much bigger, but because we still have a presence in the lives of those our family is in contact with, it'd be harder to get away with mental illness or drug use as reasons.

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Summer Sun

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #14 on: November 21, 2018, 12:03:42 AM »
The controlling H seems to be a common theme.  This has been suggested in my situation too.  As well, for UBPDb, the same is suggested for the explanation of his estranged son, its the new d-i-l. 

The other thing I noticed, which may be different in my FOO is the bantering about of labels.  This guys a sociopath, this ones a narc, this ones a user, as All4peace points out, all projection IMHO.  Each UPD in my life labels one of their respective AC as Sociopaths, in part, I surmise to present  as justifications for Failed relations.  At times, in past, prior to NC I have been tempted to ask, and so, whats my label pray tell?  On some level it might be interesting to hear?
"The opposite of Love is not Hate, it's Indifference" - Elie Wiesel

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JenniferSmith

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #15 on: November 21, 2018, 01:15:53 AM »
A family member who I am not estranged from attended a wedding, where my Nmother was apparently telling people she doesn't understand why I have distanced myself from "everyone" and made comments about me being depressed.

In her case, she knows exactly why I am NC with her because I wrote her a letter telling her.

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WomanInterrupted

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #16 on: November 21, 2018, 02:10:45 AM »
My PD IL's used to tell DH that I led him around by his willy and did all his thinking for him.  They'd also snidely remark that I wore the pants in the relationship, so I imagine our NC was put down to me not only being a gold-digger, but me controlling him and brainwashing him against his FOO.   :roll:

At least 10 years went by before unNPD MIL reached out to DH again - and he  bit, needing to see if she'd changed.

Yes, she had - for the worse.  She flipped out within 5 minutes of him being there, so he left, and I'm sure I'm still being painted as some kind of controlling bitch-on-wheels.    :phoot:  <--- that's me, the bitch-on-wheels.   :boogie:

Years later, after I found this site an started to put up boundaries with unBPD Didi, she didn't like it very much, and kept trying to blame my DH, by saying she knew he never liked her, when nothing was further from the truth.   :???:

I think she was trying to not only put into my head that he was controlling me, or contributing in some way to my odd behavior (normal boundaries for anybody who isn't PD  ;D), but drive a wedge  between us.

It didn't work.  Like all of Didi's cunning and clever plans, her intent was as transparent  as glass.   :doh:

After Didi was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer and refused to rescind her DNR, she was discharged from the hospital for the last time, but kept returning to the ER, night after night, telling them they had to DO something; she didn't want to die tonight!   :dramaqueen: :bawl:

I know all this because I saw the records - Ray needed the exact date of her cancer dx for a supplemental insurance plan he had, that paid X a day after a cancer diagnosis.

They were QUITE interesting.   :snort:

Basically, they'd give her a Xanax and have a nurse waste her time,  sitting with Didi and patting her hand.  She'd steadfastly refuse to speak to anybody when they offered counseling and get MORE agitated if anybody mentioned a psychiatrist.   :roll:

But this is the interesting part - when they asked Didi  if she had anybody she could talk to  - maybe her children - she said NO.

Repeatedly.

So there IS another option beside saying you have a drug problem, a mental health issue, a controlling partner, or they have NO IDEA why you're estranged and they didn't do a thing  wrong - they simply write you out of the narrative and pretend you don't even exist.   :disappear:

I wish I could do the same thing.   :bigwink: :evil2:

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DustyMemories

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #17 on: November 21, 2018, 09:26:06 AM »
I have no idea how my mother explains my NC with her to other people, however I know how she explains it to herself. According to her it's parental alienation. My father turned me against her.

It's the perfect protection for her self-image: it allows her to dismiss anything I say to refute her theory because it's the brainwashing talking.

Yeah, yeah, mum. Whatever.   :wacko:

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One

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #18 on: November 21, 2018, 02:42:23 PM »
I don't know what they say.  That's the beauty of being NC with the entire family system.

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Moxie890

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Re: NC PD parents ideas about your NC
« Reply #19 on: November 21, 2018, 05:51:01 PM »
I just got a three page flying monkey letter that leads me to believe she is saying that I am stuck in the past, and she has said sorry (classic N apology) so there is nothing else she can do. Nevermind I have said more then once to her and the flying monkeys that while the past hurts, my main issue is that the emotional abuse never stopped. She has also claimed that my father is a N and must have brainwashed me. Projection at it's finest.  :stars: