Advice needed about NC mother

Started by Sunny77, March 24, 2019, 12:55:10 PM

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Sunny77

Hi
This is my 2nd post here-previously I asked for advice about the benefits of therapy.
Anyhow I took the plunge 1 month ago and have had weekly sessions about My NC mother-which I am 1 year NC. Therapy has been fantastic-Just what I needed and I have felt that I turned a huge corner in dealing with the guilt of NC with my mother.
Anyhow she turned up at my door today and gave me my house key she had for years.She then said "I also deserve a final hug as I will not see you for the rest of my life and this is the last time you will see me".She isn't ill/moving away ect... as I asked.She said this is what you want.do I not deserve a final hug.What the hell?I have not heard/seen her in a year.
She was ready to argue and I didn't allow her to feed off me.I said I will not hug her and she then said do you hate me that much?Again,I tried my very best not to feed her with my reaction-although inside my heart was racing.I did divulge that I'm now in therapy and in a much better place.I regret this-she didn't need to know my personal information. Eventually she stormed off.
But she has today left me with the feelings of guilt I thought I was starting to control.She has left me with the exhaustion I have felt for many years.I really don't want this to set me back-as in the last month I have felt a freeness I haven't felt for ages.
Sorry to rant on!Any advice would help

StayWithMe

She may have been trying to do a bold move to get you off balance.  If my mother did it to me, I would be off balance as well.

Count your chickens / blessings / whatever.  What were the incidents that brought you to LC or NC in the first place. 

Sunny77

Hi
Thanks for your response!
I went NC because for many years I lived with her manipulative behaviour.Be it with my small children or if she perceived something incorrectly.She wouldn't hesitate to not speak to me/zone me out ect...The only way she would speak to me was if I apologised.So I was was always saying sorry for things I didn't do/say ect....
Eventually we had a conversation that she basically said I need to change everything about myself for us to get along.After years of mentally torturing and questioning myself-I eventually said that's enough now.I stopped contact.
But guilt took over as she has nobody in her life.I didn't want to stop the NC but the guilt I was left with made me turn to therapy and for the better.
Hopefully this is just a wobble I'm having and can process my feelings until I have my next session.

Twinkletoes88

God that sounds horrible I'm so sorry your mother did that! You did well to stand your ground and not react emotionally - and to refuse the hug particularly if you were feeling guilty or scared.

I don't have loads of advice I'm afraid, I wish that I did but I just wanted to say from someone else with a narc mother and someone else who's been having therapy for nearly 5 years, that these wobbles are part of the journey and although they feel horrible, learning to just accept you've been triggered or you are feeling fragile or upset or whatever and carrying on is "normal". It doesn't mean you are completely back at the beginning or that you've undone anything you've worked hard for - does that make sense?

Things happen and we go through stages of feeling really strong and proud and then stages where the grief takes over and the guilt kicks in and we doubt ourselves and them!

As I said, I'm sorry this isn't better advice but basically keep going despite these harder times - let yourself feel the feelings and carry on without feeling angry or disappointed about your small wobbles - they are normal. Xx

Sunny77

Hi
Thanks very much for your advice/reassurance Twinkletoes88!
Tbh I think that hearing that feeling this way is part of the up's and downs we go through and not to see it as a setback,has helped a lot.
Thanks again

JustKat

QuoteBut she has today left me with the feelings of guilt I thought I was starting to control.

If your mother is anything like mine was, I'd say that was her goal. She showed up to guilt you. I'm so sorry you were put on the spot like that. It was horrid of her to show up unannounced like that, and giving you the key ... ugh, the drama.

It sounds like you really stood your ground and didn't give her what she wanted. Good for you! :applause: I'm so glad you've found a good therapist and that she's been such a help. I'm sure she can help you with these guilty feelings as well. It's especially hard when the N parent is older and alone like your mother is. I struggle with guilt over going NC with my father because he's now elderly and lonely, but I have to keep telling myself that he should have thought about that when he was younger and abusing me. Still, the guilt is hard to shake. I always, ALWAYS end up with guilty feelings when things like this happen. I wouldn't call it a setback, though. I think it's pretty normal to experience ups and downs like this. Healing is a journey that doesn't happen overnight.

I try to look at the bright side (if you want to call it that) which is that THEY don't know we feel guilty. Both of my parents were relentless in their hoovering attempts, and even though they did leave me emotionally drained they had no idea that they had gotten to me. Your mother probably walked away feeling very frustrated that she didn't get what she wanted. I know that probably doesn't do much to ease your guilt, but just throwing it out there.

Be kind to yourself. You're doing great. It's normal to experience these emotions, it really is.

Psuedonym

Sunny77,

I nearly spit coffee all over my keyboard when I read that. My first thought was 'did she hire a sad trombone or a violin player to accompany her on this trip to your house for her final hug??'  :violin:

I think they're all master guilt trippers; yours seems very reliant on it, as does mine. What might you feel better is to realize that a) she probably spend a long time thinking up exactly what she was going to say to make you feel like absolute #@$%, and the thought of you feeling like absolute #@$% makes her happy, and b) like my M, she's probably willing to go to her grave being NC with you rather than, I dunno, say apologize profusely and change her behavior. This is not you cutting her off, this is you standing up for yourself and saying you will no longer accept her gaslighting/guilt-tripping/manipulation, and her going "well, I guess that's it then."  if you insisting on being treated decently is a deal breaker for her, well, that's on her.

I bet you a dollar that your therapist rolls her eyes when she hears this. Glad you're going and that it's helping.

:bighug:

Sunny77

Thanks very much for your responses!!
They were really helpful and again knowing others going through the same BS as me is a comfort in it's self.
My therapist thought my NM may have done it for closure for herself. I hadn't thought about it like that-but maybe?!
I don't know.
Anyhow a few days after the visit I'm feeling like I'm back on track.Much better than a few days ago-wasn't expecting to feel that awful and guilty.
Just remember looking back at the time,she had not one ounce of remorse,care or even a slight level of gentleness for want of a better word.She looked full of angry venomous rage.Cold as ice as it goes-But ready to launch an argument if I had give her the tools to go for it!
Currently I just feel very sorry/sad for her that she lives her life like this.I think it's no life it's just an existence.Being so angry must be so draining

daughter

#8
This "key-drop visit" wasn't likely for "closure".  Consider whether this was a theatrical Big Big Hoover attempt, hoping to shame you ("boo-hoo, you don't love your mother, you terrible child!!") into renewed capitulation and more appeasement.  I think your therapist may give your mother too much credit by suggestion "closure" as a motive.  By definition, a npd-parent seeks to dominate and control their adult-children by threat and recrimination, by sugar-coated "treats" and manipulative "tricks". 

In the lead-up to my eventual NC decision, my own malevolent NBM ramped-up on the tricks, which included demanding back the keys to THEIR house, "because we're going to rekey the house".  Yup, sure, an unlikely story.  My enNF squirmed as she offered this fib, while I retrieved their key-set from my home desk drawer, keys never having been used in more than 20 years of my possessing these keys.  I was without keys for about half-year, in interim decided to quietly disengage, in reaction to disdainful NBM's not too subtle shunning of me, when enNF, in HIS diligent effort to HOOVER ME BACK, delivered same keys to my house.  I declined to accept them.  Keys, keys, just another hoover tool, whether proffered as trick or treat.

smarty

I can relate to the whole 'keys to the house' situation...very symbolic I think. I also don't believe it was for closure. I had same situation a couple times too, where she demanded back keys to her house(that I honestly hadn't used in years! Didn't even know if I still had them!) because 'I don't want you coming over whenever you want when I'm not around!' And she implied I'd take her things. It was preposterous and was a rage reaction to the fact that I had decided to move out and live with my elderly grandfather who needed help since he was alone. Another time was when I dared to open my own bank account without her approval and of course without it being jointly with her name on it. Again 'I'm gonna change the locks!' It was never about the keys, it's all just a power play to remind you who the boss is.
Your mother was giving you back YOUR keys though...so perhaps this is her saying 'here look...you thought you broke up with me but I'm breaking up with YOU actually, I don't want your keys/I'm not going to be in your life anymore' and she even wants to force a hug on you...she's not actually interested in your therapy or how you're doing at all..just like mine wasn't interested or remotely proud(like a normal mother would be) that I was growing into a responsible adult who gets a job/opens a bank account etc because these things mark our independence from their rule over us and that's what's most important to them..without that they don't want anything to do with us. Your don't want to be my subject anymore? You want to be my equal? No way!

Sunny77

Thanks @Smarty for your response.
Yeah every moment in my life of growing up or turning into an adult always ended in drama!Getting a new car-wouldn't come with me to give (at the time)?a 19 year old any advice/help.When I moved out never came to view flats or help me in anyway with advice.If I were to go for a promotion at work she would often say"Mmm just stay where you are-that's for the best".
The list is ENDLESS- everyday things to my friends were the start of a rollercoaster for me!The smallest thing ended up being massive with my apologies always following-just for a "quite life"!!
Errmmm not anymore!

BettyGray

ME: massive eye roll. I will never stop being amazed at how low they will go to throw us off balance. To me, it not only shows their bravado and selfishness, it also shows how desperate they are to maintain the upper hand.

I am so sorry this happened to you. She had ZERO right to show up on your turf. And then to say those things to you? Clearly all about her.

My mom, aunt and sister are still trying to contact me and disrespect my wishes after almost 4 years. Unsuccessfully, I should add. But each attempt secures my belief that I did the right thing by going NC.

Guilt is a dangerous thing. It plays tricks on you and creates self-doubt, which always puts us at a disadvantage.

JustKat

I have to echo the others who said your mother wasn't looking for closure. With all due respect to your T, most therapists don't seem to understand just how low NPD mothers will go to stick it to you. I've never heard of an NPDm seeking "closure" and walking away. If anything, it's the opposite. They NEVER give up.

What your mother did was so overly dramatic it just screams "guilt trip." I totally agree with Psuedonym that she probably spent a good deal of time planning the whole thing. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that she made a copy of the key before returning the original to you. These women are devious and clever and they just never quit. When my Nmother was dying, she went so far as to have my father change their will in such a way that would ensure she would keep getting to me after she had passed away.

Nmothers don't want closure. They want you to feel guilty and they will never quit trying. Since your mother didn't get what she wanted from this trip, don't be surprised if she comes back and tries again. I don't mean to worry you, but do be ready for it. Mine not only refused to give up but ramped up her efforts when she failed to get her way.

I know it's hard to shake off the guilt, but keep telling yourself you have done nothing to feel guilt or shame over. You went NC for your own emotional and physical well-being. No need to feel guilty for taking care of yourself.

Hang in there. Sending hugs your way.
:hug: