NC PD parents ideas about your NC

[candy]

For my ILs the reason for NC with their son, my DH - is me. I brainwashed him and they say he is so very weak, he cannot ,,put me in line". GC-BIL is the FM who told DH to wake up (and get rid of me). That means DH is not only weak but also confused, I assume.

The reason for NC with me does not count as I am the uterus who birthed their grandchild and has done its duty.

Reason for NC with the grandchild - is the mean me again. NPDMIL would be a better mother anyway but that uterus also did breastfeeding to estrange the baby from its true mother, NPDMIL, uh. There has not been built a relationship to estrange the baby from - which is, again, my fault.

The ILs announced NC themselves but they forgot, that's why DH receives messages about NPDMIL being there for him whenever he needs her (and leaves me) every once in a while. She sends those texts late at night, the texts are very awkward, they are spot on PD. Last time she expressed congratulations to herself on the occasion of DH's birthday.

EnFIL's theory on us being NC is everyone is participating in a pick-up sticks game and the first one who twitches is the looser. Which  reduces human interactions, relationships and communication to the categories of winning and losing. Maybe that makes FIL a bit PD himself, or it is fleas.

However, the things we said do not count.

[Yael924]

Gosh Candy, if only you could use your powers for good instead of evil.   

Tell ya what, I'm carrying around an extra 50 pounds or so. Could you use your magic to estrange me from them??!!

[candy]

As our spiritual beliefs differ NPDMIL felt encouraged to ask me if I would attend my baby's baptism.
'Do you even step a foot into a church?'
'No, I hand over my precious child and wait outside for the folks DH and I invited because otherwise  the holy water would evaporate.'

Yael924, you see, I am this evil, it seems I am already messing with the sacraments.  A little estrangement is a mere child's play for me 

Yael, you just made me laugh, thank you!

[MiniWheat]

My uPDm (narc) told people that she 'just tried to love me' and I am a really angry person who misunderstood her 'love' wouldn't listen to her, and unjustly and unfairly cut her off from her grandchildren to punish her! She got her flying monkey brother to invite me to come feel the family 'love' at his house, and if I didn't come, then obviously my monster wife and I don't know how to accept 'love' in our life.

Their versions of love:
- Falsely accuse us of abusing our children physically and sexually,
- Mean tease our kids, then freaking out and abusing them more when they cried,
- Offer to take care of our kids for a couple hours, then find an excuse to not do it every time, then accuse us of trying to 'use them for child support' (didn't take care of grandkids once),
- Abusing me, then freaking out and abusing me more when I stood up for myself,
- Collectively trying to outbid us on a real-estate deal,
-etc.

But no, it's all 'love!' SO MESSED UP!!

OH, also, she blamed it all on a relative who passed away - "if so and so hadn;t died he wouldn't have cut me off, he just can't handle the grief" etc etc.

[Sophie48]

I don't know what they tell themselves, or anyone else at this point, but in one of the last messages my father sent directly to me, he told me that my mother's "theory about me" was that I was jealous because my brother was her "favorite" (I had no idea; I never realized she had an actual "favorite"). He then asked me to email back with a simple "yes" so they could confirm it. Most of their emails, letters and phone calls were so angry, it was kind-of a nice break at the time. I didn't reply.

[all4peace]

Sophie48, I'm literally lol'ing. What?! I hope you made it very simple for them by simply responding "yes" to their theory (tongue firmly in cheek).

nwbc, that's horrible. Wow, some really ugly projections and lies there. I'm so sorry.

I'm about to face some version of this myself, so I appreciate that you all seem to have developed some detachment from the smears against you. I guess it's logical that if someone had the skills to prevent terrible damage to a relationship, or the skills to repair it, they wouldn't be people who make up lies to explain the loss of the relationship.

[moglow]

Mine will blame it on any and everyone available, while accepting no responsibility whatsoever for her own behavior. Whatever she says or does is "because of ... If you did/didn't do or say xyz ..."

Thing is, I've heard mother's version of too many other situations over the years, and it rarely matched with the other side. I have no doubt she's doing the same with me, and have no reason to believe otherwise.

Right now I'm fairly sure she's telling some version of how she's a senior citizen who's alone and in pain and no one cares. That explains her treatment of people NOW. She (and sometimes they) forgets she's the same person she's always been, she just justifies it differently now. And people tend to excuse it as such.

[KeepingMyBlue]

I think I'm in the "don't exist" category, except my sweet cousin keeps reminding her. Cousin told me, "She won't tell me anything either!  " On the one hand, I've asked cousin to leave it alone, and I don't want to damage cousin's relationship with NM. On the other hand, it's kinda funny that cousin won't be gaslighted, and won't break contact with me either.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Mine invented a diagnosis of postpartum depression and tried to accuse me of expecting them to fix all the non-existent problems in my marriage and parenting. My MIL tries to blame it all on me projecting my parents' issues onto her. My FIL initiated NC with me before any of my own recovery began, simply because he never understood me. 

[DM178]

You nailed it OrangeBlossom77! My parents also say it is my anger that is driving the separation,   and then "we don't understand why"...it's almost comical if it were not so sad...

And actually isn't that typical...to say that your child is angry, basically places 100% of the blame for the situation, and responsibility for the relationship, solely on your child....

[Orangeblossom77]

While never considering why they could be angry...

[all4peace]

uNBPDm uses the anger one a lot. As if being angry is wrong. As if she hasn't been behaving in ways that would anger any healthy person. It's a good offense, though, to throw out "so much anger!" as a reason for your child being estranged from you. Puts us on the defense.

[Starboard Song]

I just wondered if others had this, where the NC parents make up a story to explain your NC. With mine they seem to think
I'm 'angry' about a single incident, and also possibly that is it something to do with DH. That he is controlling, perhaps. What stories do yours make up if any? 

Yep. We've learned that we are just angry about a single letter we received, and -- sadly -- we have no forgiveness in our hearts.

Nobody else, I don't think, has ever heard that they flatly rejected any relationship with us, and that they condemned us with increasing fervor for 6 months before we finally acquiesced and concluded their correspondence with our home.

[Starboard Song]

I just got a three page flying monkey letter that leads me to believe she is saying that I am stuck in the past, and she has said sorry (classic N apology) so there is nothing else she can do. Nevermind I have said more then once to her and the flying monkeys that while the past hurts, my main issue is that the emotional abuse never stopped. She has also claimed that my father is a N and must have brainwashed me. Projection at it's finest. 

Wow. She really is firing on all cylinders.

[Absent Minded Artist]

It's interesting reading this thread, amazing how the possibility that they might have mistreated us never gets considered.

My HPD/BPD mom has been pulling out all the stops - "why are you mad at me?" "I don't know what I did wrong." "I gave you everything and you just used me up and threw me away"... I can only imagine her version of the truth.

Playing the victim to a new audience allows her to gain sympathy while making me look like a terrible person. It's brilliant, really, when you think about it.

[all4peace]

Well I'm pretty sure I know what mine would say now....

en (or N?)F: I just don't understand.
uNBPDm: Some people just don't want to heal.

I may be popping back on here from time to time for comic relief so that I don't get so angry at the refusal to listen and try to understand.

[dreamtree]

No idea on specifics, except that _I_ am the one who just cant put the past in the past. Including being physically bullied and terribly verbally abused by my dads stepdaughter when I was staying at my dads (his wifes) house. I was supposed to accept that abuse. Liiiike, what part about I left an abusive husband did you not hear?

Nothing is their fault.

[Orangeblossom77]

I've just seen my brother over Christmas, he is understanding of the NC although we don't really discuss it. He also find it difficult but isn't NC.

he mentioned mum has been asking 'why' 'does she just not want to talk to me' (after over two years NC) and he said well, maybe you should apologise to her and apparently she got really angry. Then, his wife asked, what shall we tell her if she asks us? Which made me think they had been asked to 'find out' perhaps. I don't think sis in law gets it either, really. so that was difficult.

[Just Jay]

uNBPDm uses the anger one a lot. As if being angry is wrong. As if she hasn't been behaving in ways that would anger any healthy person. It's a good offense, though, to throw out "so much anger!" as a reason for your child being estranged from you. Puts us on the defense.

So true! I received a loooooooooong letter from my PD mom last summer that included a page about how she was so concerned about my anger. It was twisted and weird -- like she was trying to portray herself as the concerned mother of a troubled daughter, as if she provided no reason to be angry.  Of course I'm angry! It's so normal of me to be so. I'm also jealous of people who have a parent to rely on, and I'm often sad about it, too.  It's not a character flaw, it's being a human being!

In the same letter, she rewrote history.  A true story is she tried to get me to go along with a fake cancer diagnosis to manipulate my sister. I not only refused, but I told my sister, who was mad at mom for it. Now mom's story is that I made it all up to make my sister mad at her.      I was so creeped out by that revision of the truth -- I mean, would it be worse if she is actually trying to force the blame on me, or if she truly believes it?  Either option is so sick.

My mother has also over time tried to portray me -- to myself and others -- as a bad mother.  She makes up conditions about my son's life that sound horrible.  That really hurts, even though I know it's not true. For quite a while before and after NC, she was building a "case" to report to CPS, which she would use to try to manipulate me.  The odd thing is that we're known to CPS in the place we used to live in because we once were a foster family, so of course we had extensive checks/home studies. Where I live now, we're known to CPS because some of my friends work there and have spent a lot of time with my family --- and so have their kids.

She also tries to take any kernel of information about my husband and my sister's husband to make them out to be bad guys. Like trying to make my BIL a jihadist since he has Middle Eastern  heritage, even though he's a completely left-leaning American atheist.  Such a twisted portrayal of my BIL.

[M0009803]

As I have previously posted on here I went NC due to a BBB episode during my wedding.

I seem to be in the minority on here because I am a male that was emotionally abused by his mother, but I am glad I found this forum because it has allowed me to understand the situation, detach myself from it, and start to take steps to re-calibrate my emotional state (I have been making progress on that front which I feel is good).

Since the wedding (May 2017) I have gotten about 70 e-mails from my mother, and I have exported them all to look at them in sequence.  It really is quite amazing how obvious the emotional abuse is once you see them all in front of you.

I have had (in sequence)

Your wife is the problem
Love bombing (gifts)
Hoovering attempts (using family events)
More love bombing
Attacks on my career and position
Passive aggressive attacks
More hoovering attempts
Flying Monkeys (emotional blackmail)
More attacks on wife
More attacks on Career

Even on the 1st of January of this year.  Instead of showing empathy, and wishing me a happy year, my mother resorted to a passive aggressive attack on my career (for the record, I work in financial services and make a good deal of money, but that is not "enough" for her).  I can also only see her emails in my Spam folder as gmail sends them there when you block somebody.