This might be it

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11JB68

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This might be it
« on: December 01, 2018, 01:46:08 PM »
I don't know...
He is in a bad place right now.
Might walk away from most of his income.
I don't know if I can be supportive and if not it will not go well.
I'm glad that I've done some serious thinking and homework on this, at least I'm somewhat prepared.
But still so scared...if I leave...how he'll react, how it will affect DS21, what the financial fallout will be, etc....

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Spygirl

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #1 on: December 01, 2018, 02:05:33 PM »
If its any consolation, my H has his scary meltdowns and gets over it when it does not frighten me into compliance. He did it several times, i thought i would be hit, or worse. None of the threats were real. Nothing happened. He kept working, his rages just made me  go NC until he controlled himself, so that didnt work. Then he became a pitiful victim. That does not work either. I encourage you to ignore statements, and observe actions.

Your son is an adult now. He has his own life to worry about. You focus on yours.

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 12:46:43 AM »
I look at marriage as part financial partnership. If your partner is not doing what you think is wise you can let them know.

I wish I had answers but usually when Iíve tried to convince a PD partner (H or BF) not to make some decision or brainstormed ways to fix things - the oppositional part comes out. For me itís usually best to just keep my mouth shut these days. The older I get the more crazy I feel. By middle age you shouldnít have to be telling someone itís a bad idea to quit their best job/client/contract/customer with no backup.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2018, 01:08:20 AM »
Latchkey, exactly. When we were first married, had no one counting on us, not so many debts and expenses....then maybe. But now?? A son, a mortgage (2 really...including the equity line), son's student loans threat we committed to helping him with, AND retirement is not that far off...
Problem is he cannot multitask, can only hyperfocus on one thing...

I reached back out to an attorney that I had a consult with back in March. Asked her some follow up questions.

Now I'm running through in my head how I would tell him and what I would say....

Still no definite decision
DS21 will be home for break in a couple weeks...I'm seriously thinking that if things get worse or don't get better that maybe when ds goes back to school in January would be a good time


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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #4 on: December 04, 2018, 01:28:17 AM »
My exN/ASPDH2  nearly destroyed his career when he destroyed our marriage. My first husband, also PD drove us both into bankruptcy.
I was recently with someone for a year (friends and then lovers) who I suspect PD managed to make a series of very strange
financial decisions including quitting his job, deciding to invest in sketchy stuff, and also breaking financial obligations and bragging about it. All of the above were parents as well with mortgages etc...

I guess Iím saying it makes no sense and the only thing you can do is protect yourself.

I worked with someone who always put in writing when he disagreed with a business decision. I wish there was a way to do this but in most cases itís a lost cause.

Iíve also got 2 in college. No help from dad here. Weíre all taking loans but I want them to have chance to succeed and the kids seem damn determined to be employed and work now when on breaks. Hope for the future :)
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #5 on: December 06, 2018, 12:35:41 AM »
A couple more updates on this recent situation.
1) on Sunday, after I spentsome time really putting some thought into his situation, he asked me for my input. I should know better by now. I preferred my ideas. I think I've finally caught on to something he does, which I just looked up and I'm pretty sure it's what's called a 'narcissistic smirk'. I never really resized he does this...But wow he does. God forbid you try to seriously advise him...He sits there and all you can see are his dimples. So inappropriate.
2) suddenly on Tuesday he was in a much better mood. I'm so tired of having to be reactive to his moods. He figured out something and felt smart, so felt better... :doh:  and 'time had passed'.
3) I'm back on high alert anyway, and seriously thinking again about the strong possibility of leaving him soon.



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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #6 on: December 13, 2018, 12:22:46 AM »
And 2 weeks later he's fighting with the client Again. Sent him a nasty email.

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2018, 12:34:36 AM »
Sigh, this doesn't look too good. When you fight with a client, well, the client can choose another vendor that doesn't fight with them. It's different when it's a family member.

 I'd recommend to continue to your preparations to separate your finances. It sounds like your PDH is spiraling based on some of your other posts. I've seen it to where a PD person sabotages themselves just as you get a raise or promotion or some other windfall or award.

I hope this resolves peacefully but keep us posted.

 :bighug:
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #8 on: December 13, 2018, 12:41:15 AM »
Thanks Latchkey.
He tends to sabotage himself whenhe starts to be successful or make decent money. He can't handle stress, and has literallysaid that basically he has an income threshold at which he can manage, but above that it gets to stressful.
Also he commented tonight that we don't need him to make as much 'because you're so awesome'.
 This is a guy who3 years ago was literally sobbing about how were we going to afford college for ds...
How indeed?

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #9 on: December 13, 2018, 01:00:24 AM »
Oh yes, I got that too in both my PD marriages. If I made less than my H I wasn't allowed to complain, was told I deserved more and the boss was cheating me, was told I should quit, was told I should get another job, if I ever made more then the resentment settled in and maybe we should move to another place where ex could get work but I couldn't.... I am happily divorced and no longer have to hear anything on the subject of my work.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #10 on: December 13, 2018, 05:10:36 PM »
So - if you've followed some of my other posts, uPDh self-diagnosed with Aspbergers several years ago - he still thinks he has that and "OCD". I sincerely believe that is NOT the case and that it is OCPD (with maybe some NPD/BPD mixed in) but OCPD FITS totally.
He has now diagnosed his client with ADHD.
As much as I would sometimes love to put an OCPD checklist in front of uPDh to show him how difficult he is - I know it would blow up, so I don't.
He sent a similar checklist to the client re: client's ADHD and ensuing bad behavior and - it blew up, big surprise.
I DO NOT KNOW how I am supposed to respond to all of this - h is forwarding me the emails and wants my help/opinion/etc. How do I do that without being honest about what I think about HIM?

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #11 on: December 15, 2018, 08:45:15 PM »
I'm just seeing this, not sure where things are with him now. I think maybe paraphrasing about "amateur diagnosis" (see toolbox) with him. Medium Chill, which I think you are also using.

How are things today?
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #12 on: December 16, 2018, 01:06:27 AM »
Well, surprisingly the client wants to work things out, and it looks they may arrive at some sort of compromise.
Updh is feeling quite good (he often does after telling someone off...)
Updh actuallyadmits that maybe past of the problem is he might be a bit burnt out on the project.
And I guess because I didn't completely freak out, uPDh has been pretty nice to me.
I emailed ds21 yesterday, giving him a heads up and letting him know things are under control, as I knew it would come up when we visited him today, and I didn't want him to worry. So that weren't ok.
Ds21 comes home for break next week fora month...looking forward to that.
All in all this could have gone a lot worse, some stuff is still up in the air...
Taking it a day at time.

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #13 on: December 16, 2018, 10:25:09 PM »
 :bighug:

You'll have this thread as a reminder at least of what you went through emotionally because of all this. It sounds like the client is playing by your H's rules for now.

I'd also be curious to read the emails if I were you about this compromise if you can without seeming you want to be more involved.... I often find that a PD's interpretation of compromise or a deal or an agreement is more in the eyes of the beholder if you know what I mean. Basically, I've had PDs tell me that they've made a deal only to realize it was never actually made or what they agreed to was way different than what they told me. I've also been lied to so many times about deals that were never made that I always ask for them in writing if it involves an aspect of my business.

Enjoy the time with your DS and glad things seem to be going smoother for your UpdH for now.
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
-
When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #14 on: December 17, 2018, 12:26:45 AM »
Thanks Latchkey, he's been showing me the emails as this plays out.
And again, it does seem like the client may have some issues as well, so it will be very interesting to see where this goes.
Updh did admit to ds that as he was telling me about his issues with the client that he was aware some of the stuff was stuff that he does too.
 :aaauuugh:

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #15 on: December 31, 2018, 07:32:48 PM »
Not sure if something happened today or not. Posting here sort of to see if my intuition is right or not.
After blow up with client uPDh gave himself a 'vacation.'
He's still been working on his 'own stuff,' but nothing for the client.
Also client has been away.
Updh Has actually been in a fairly good mood.new years eve today. Son off work at noon, me off at2. Friends coming over this evening.
Despite uPDh claiming that people can't tell when he's mad (yeah, right), I get the distinct feeling he "had a bad day". He is on his computer, very involved in something. Wondering if client is back from trip and reached out to him. Of course he won't stop and even say to me...sorry rough day I'll fill you in later. Just quiet, sort of his usual rudeness, a bit put out by the couple of things he had to do to clean up his own clutter before guests arrive...
I have that sense of dread...
Hoping I'm wrong.
Friends due over in2 hours...

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #16 on: January 01, 2019, 04:11:04 AM »
Fortunately my intuition was wrong.
A peaceful and pleasant night.

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Latchkey

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #17 on: January 01, 2019, 06:36:28 PM »
Good to hear things are ok. Hope 2019 comes with a heaping dose of clarity for all!
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
-Mother Jones
-
There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
-Maya Angelou
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #18 on: January 01, 2019, 11:40:13 PM »
Thanks Latchkey
Today he got7 emails from client that he did not read yet.
So tomorrow should be interesting

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11JB68

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Re: This might be it
« Reply #19 on: January 05, 2019, 06:15:36 PM »
I'm feeling like he was hoping client would get mad at him So he could end it. However client is not (that) mad. In fact client is displaying a weird lack of boundaries in that he seems more concerned about preserving the friendship than the Working relationship. Updh definitely does not want the friendship. Now I feel like Updh is upset that client didn't cut him loose, and probably resentful of me, because I'm probably the only reason he didn't just cut the client loose.
He's been on a characteristically obsessive project now where he is sorting and organizing all past emails with client...7000 of them. It's taking a long time, he resents that he 'has' to do it, etc, so he is just getting more mad. And now, also charactetistically, taking it out on me by being rude and cranky etc.
But he still has spent zero time working on a plan b in case things do blow up with the client. Why??
If he had a plan b I would be fine with him ending the project.
I am not fine with him ending it and having no income. So why is  he obsessing over things like 7000 emails, rather than putting some time into other ideas??