Annnnnnd we're back to the hair.

Started by SparkStillLit, November 24, 2019, 03:15:36 AM

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SparkStillLit

Super backhand "compliment" which turned into a fight when called on it.
Extra BS thrown in for good measure.
All blame heaped on me for whole thing because I "twisted a compliment".

"Your hair looks very nice. I really don't care for short hair, but if you're going to have it, wearing it sleek like that is the way to do it."

I have had short hair for very many years, and it's very curly. I can't fathom how this is any other than a wicked dig. He maintains that he merely stated his "preferences" like any person has, and repeatedly brought up how i have preferences for facial hair over no facial hair.
I think I want someone who looks at me and simply thinks "what a beautiful woman, and how lucky I am to be with her".

GettingOOTF

I broke up with someone I was dating after he said almost the exact same thing. I actually really liked him, we had a lot in common, enjoyed each other's company and there was great chemistry. That comment was SUCH a red flag to me.

Of course we all have "preferences" but I think when people state them like that it's a way to put someone down so they can feel better about themselves. I know I look better with short hair. I think the whole "women should have long hair" trope is so ingrained in society and women with short hair are seen as more independent, confident and less dependent on men that on some level men are threatened by it. I would bet your husband had made these comments other times you have shown your true self. It's nothing but an attempt to crush your self esteem and keep you dependent on him.  I have never heard a man make the short hair comment who hasn't also previously also stated out dated and controlling comments about women and "their place".

Of course you deserve someone who thinks you are beautiful and he's lucky to be with you. I found someone like that and I cannot tell you how good it feels when you realize that. How freeing it is and how it allows you to truly be who you are, to express yourself with no reservations, how secure you feel when you do and say things. I wish that for everyone.

SparkStillLit

He starts shit every time we are going to be intimate.  Then he blows up about that we fight every time. Goes through a whole mini-cycle. Blames the whole mess on me.
I still offer intimacy at the end because if I don't it will be way, way worse.
I just don't know what to DO with this. That's what the hair thing was. We were having a nice chat prior to intimacy and BAM. Insult. What??
Can't we just have sex without....THAT??? I'd like that. The nasty drama is a terrible turn off.

11JB68

Spark I know you know my history with hair issues...
More on this later...

1footouttadefog

So he obviously wants you to be unhappy while you two are intimate.  It's perhaps like a sliding scale on consent and he wants you not to be entirely consenting. 

Free2Bme






:yeahthat:

My thoughts... it's a power trip.  "Look, I even insulted my spouse (SO), and she still permits intimacy.  I must be really influential and powerful".
"How far can I push it and still get what I want?"
They eat that s@*# up, IME.

They don't truly value or want 'intimacy'.  In their economy, power and control is their currency.

It is very painful to be on the receiving end.  When I confronted this... total denial that it ever happened.  :stars:


SparkStillLit

Oh yes, if I ever confront this issue outside of the "intimacy" arena, total denial and then if I push, huge blowback.
I have always felt this weird horrible creepy niggling feeling that he likes the idea of my....at least playing along of, if not entirely consenting, then him in total control. I don't know. The whole situation has gotten very strange and uncomfortable for me, and I would NEVER do anything like that EVER, it would be EXTREMELY TRIGGERING and he knows it, yet he persists in doing things like putting a hand near or fingers on my throat though I violently throw him away or tell him to stop it. He wants me to say crap I refuse to say, and tries to get me to do it even after I've gotten angry. Who does this? It's creepy. I feel like I've let it go too far and I don't know how to get out of it. There will be huge hell to pay if I stop now.

1footouttadefog

Is sounds to me like he is trying to play out porn scenes he watches. 

The end of my sexual relationship with my spouse had devolved into such, I felt like a sex doll and devalued. 

At some point he stopped bothering at all. 


Lauren17

Spark, I am so sorry that you're dealing with this. I hope that you have someone to talk with about it.
I didn't even know that sexual coercion was a thing until I found this site. That was after almost 20 years of living it. You have my empathy.
The bedroom was the last place that I realized I was being manipulated. The first day I held my boundary there, without emotion, was the last day we were intimate. To 1foot's point, he's stopped bothering.
I've cried a thousand rivers. And now I'm swimming for the shore" (adapted from I'll be there for you)

Outofhere

I began to pick up on that pattern towards the end. The only time he expressed interest in intimacy, if you could call it that, was after he'd screamed at me and treated me like sh*t. Yeah, that really didn't put me in the mood, and telling him that only led to worse abuse and damage and destruction to things I treasured. I was seeing him for who he truly was, not the person I'd tried for years to convince myself he was. That's when I started preparations to exit, preparations that jumped ahead to me loading the pets and a single suitcase in the car and disappearing one day while he was at work for my own safety and sanity - he was becoming completely terrifying and I couldn't stay another day. He was dangerously out of control and I'll never go back to living that way. Leaving him was the best gift I could ever give myself.

HeadAboveWater

Quote from: SparkStillLit on December 03, 2019, 03:25:53 PM
yet he persists in doing things like putting a hand near or fingers on my throat though I violently throw him away or tell him to stop it.

First, I just want to say that I am so very sorry to see that you are in such a difficult situation.

I did want to highlight this part of your story also. As you instinctually know, any sort of flirtation with strangulation is dangerous. (And while strangulation can feel like a really strong word, it is the word we use when the airway or blood vessels are blocked by external forces, however lightly or briefly, to whatever consequence.) While a lot of us have found ways to endure the emotional abuse we experience in our relationships with PD individuals, this is a warning sign of potential intimate partner violence that could be dangerous. I hope I'm not being too upsetting or alarmist. Take care.

GentleSoul

Quote from: 1footouttadefog on November 30, 2019, 07:28:52 PM
So he obviously wants you to be unhappy while you two are intimate.  It's perhaps like a sliding scale on consent and he wants you not to be entirely consenting.

This resonates with me.  A bigger buzz for them when they are getting their way with someone who they know is unwilling.  I think applies to all areas in life not just intimacy with them. More exciting or ego boost to them to get someone to do something they don't really want to do.


losingmyself

We haven't been intimate for almost a year. I think he tries, in his weird way, but I just don't have any feelings left.
Anyway, he mentions it to his family almost every time we are with them. Jokingly, of course, but he knows that I know he's not kidding.
I think he's trying to embarrass me, into, I don't know, doing it? Like, "oh I was so embarrassed, we'd better have sex."  It is not just my fault that we're not having sex, if you get my drift. I feel like saying something to that effect at times, but that is too low of a blow. I think he would be embarrassed that his wife doesn't want to be intimate with him, but he announces it all the time. It's because I'm sexing it up with everyone else. That's it...

Frankie14

Quote from: GentleSoul on January 20, 2020, 02:59:39 AM
Quote from: 1footouttadefog on November 30, 2019, 07:28:52 PM
So he obviously wants you to be unhappy while you two are intimate.  It's perhaps like a sliding scale on consent and he wants you not to be entirely consenting.

This resonates with me.  A bigger buzz for them when they are getting their way with someone who they know is unwilling.  I think applies to all areas in life not just intimacy with them. More exciting or ego boost to them to get someone to do something they don't really want to do.

Yes, it needs to be unwilling, as the self induced job and money problems mounted for H, I was counseled by my T to 'keep doing it' to keep his moral up, so he could continue looking for work (he was perpetually out of work, working from home, at home, I also work from home, so it was .. not sexy...to be together 24/7/365; but to keep the peace I would do it maybe twice a month which I wanted no part of to be honest, but to boost moral I did...

Then somewhere about 5 years ago, when my youngest was about 4, my H started to abuse me when I 'offered' hey, what about tonight, he would openly sneer at me and said, "Oh what did you see hot stay home dad today," and I would say what are you talking about...he would say we haven't done it in a month now all of a sudden you are offering s * x, so I would say, clearly tonight isn't good we will reschedule and he would say, NICE TRY PAL, CONGRATULATIONS YOU DODGED IT AGAIN, ROOMIE (I asked him to leave the martial bedroom 10 years ago when the alcoholism, obesity and work from home or unemployment left me trapped with him all day, in his funk). 

So, I would try another way to offer, and he would say UGH I just ate, maybe tomorrow, then the next night I would say okay, but make it quick I am tired, the kid threw up on me, or I was up all night with 2 kids...and again he would BERATE ME screaming, OH FORGET IT, I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS SUCH A CHORE, OH THANKS PAL for allowing me 5 minutes to have SEX WITH MY WIFE...

With that I would walk away...It took YEARS for me to confront this particular abusive behavior which I did 2 months ago, when I said how dare you speak to me like some dude on a barstool or at a fraternity house, or your brothers...which he could not deny; I brought up the abuse as my T told me no man that wants to stay married speaks to their wife in this manner...

But, there has not been a time in over 5 years where he has not berated me or cut me down in some way for offering sex...so I stopped offering 7 months ago; and never want to with him again.