Batsh#t 21...."I have changed so much"....

Started by bruceli, December 01, 2018, 01:29:58 PM

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SonofThunder

UPDw:  "SoT, when we travel together, you need to come up with some entertaining things to do that involve being around other people, because you know I like being social.  I know you enjoy quieter things that are around nature".

SoT: "all you want to do is shop".

UPDw: " that's not true, come up with something fun".

SoT:  (night upon checking into hotel in a bustling city) "UPDw, lets go out to the bustling street and get a beer and a slice of pizza and mingle with the local crowd"!

UPDw (upon getting to the sports bar) "SoT, my anxiety is through the roof because of the crowd and noise. I need to go back to the hotel room". 

NEXT DAY:

UPDw "SoT, lets go to the large downtown mall today! 

SoT: "but I thought that large crowds and noise raised your anxiety like it did last night??"

UPDw: "that was just the busy street and bar crowd...crowded and noisy malls don't bother me". 


Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

coyote

Sooooo, something she likes to do, (shopping) = OK???????
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
Wayne Dyer

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

Choose not to be harmed and you won't feel harmed. Don't feel harmed and you haven't been. -Marcus Aurelius

bruceli

PD: (8 am) I understand that it is important to spend more time together so we can move forward with our relationship. How about I take you out to dinner tonight?

Me: (Knowing historically how this usually ends up) Ok, I'll text later to touch base.

Me: (5pm text)  We still on for tonight?

PD: I'll pass, not interested!
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn't mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

SonofThunder

Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

Proverbs 29:11
A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back.

bruceli

PD: I want to be your everything.

Me: Ok? How about we start with changing one behavior?

PD: You're being asinine.
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn't mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

logistics

Pd:.We need to do whatever it takes to  fix this relationship.

Me: How about this.

Pd: I'm not doing that.

D.Dan

The next adventure with uPD mom....

I assume she's still upset about me kicking her out of my house yesterday for behaving badly again, because now, "RIGHT NOW!" she wants to change pharmacies. Today at 1pm she calls from my sis's house...

uPD mom: can you give me the number to ______ pharmacy? (her pharmacy's name)
Me: why don't you call the number on your med bottle?
uPD mom: I don't want to call mine! I want to change to another one! And sis (my sister) doesn't have a phone book!

I look it up in my old phone book, cause it's easy to do.

Me: there are at least 20 different numbers here under _____ pharmacy, ______ drugs, and ______ drugstore. Which numbers do you want?
uPD mom: WHAT!? That's all there is!? THREE!?
Me: no.
uPD mom: then get me all the pharmacy numbers!
Me: IN THE CITY? (We live in the capital city of our province)
uPD mom: yeah!
Me: no! That's hundreds of pharmacies! I'm not looking them up for you. You're gonna have to do it yourself.
uPD mom: (angrily) GEE THANKS!!! (Slams phone down)

She calls again at 1:30pm.

uPD mom: can you give me ______'s number? (Major grocery store chain that has pharmacies in it)
Me: which one?
uPD mom: ________ centre. (Near my location and does not have the grocery store she originally asked for)
Me: do you mean ________ drugstore? (My pharmacy basically)
UPD mom: yeah!

I give her the number. She calls back again at 2:30 pm.

uPD mom: can you do a 3-way call for me?
Me: no. (I get charged an extra fee for that)
uPD mom: BUT THEY WON'T PICK UP FOR ME!!!! Can you call them for me then!!!
Me: no. Goodbye.

She slams the phone down again.  :tongue2:

bruceli

PD: I need a bigger place.

Me: Did you apply for that other (higher paying) job?

PD: Why do always have to make me angry?
One will never fulfill their destiny or truly be free, until they can let go of the illusion of control.

Fair doesn't mean equal and best doesn't mean good.

They could see me walk on water, and they would say it is because I can not swim.

11JB68

Literally was berated this evening for 10 minutes because I neglected to make sure a grown man has the "right" kind of popsicles. Even though he doesn't know how to tell the difference.

logistics

Grown man can not find his house keys. Actually took him a week to inquire about his lost keys.  He only inquired when he found himself locked out of the house.

"What you have to do is shut the f*** up (talking about another issue before I even knew he lost keys) and look for my keys."

Keys were in the wash. Now I have to inspect his pockets.

11JB68

Oh, logistics...the way their mistake turns into yet another job for us...
:sadno:

D.Dan

I was amused by this exchanged with my uPD mom.

She was eating bread in the middle of the kitchen while visiting, and I was making my kids lunch and preparing meals for school tomorrow. (basically, she was in the way) and I just moved quickly around her without stopping or making any errors. This surprised and excited her.

uPD mom: (excitedly) You'd be good in the kitchen!

Me: I am.

uPD mom: No, you'd be a good cook!

Me: I'm that too.

uPD mom: No, I mean you'd make a good cook in the kitchen!

Me: I do.

uPD mom: No, in a restaurant!

Me: I do.

uPD mom: I mean, you'd be a good cook in a restaurant!

Me: I know. I am. I've worked in smaller spaces with more people during rush times at restaurants.

uPD mom: You'd make it in a restaurant!

Me: I already did.

Then she let it go. It was like she discovered a new skill set of mine and was trying to convince me that her discovery was the best thing ever!

This exchange was funny because my mom knows I've worked at restaurants before, and was completely ignoring my 20 year work history!  :doh:

1footouttadefog

Seems like she was trying g to start something or go somewhere your assertiveness did not allow.

Like maybe she was implying you should be working in a kitchen if you aren't currently or implying it is all you are good at or something g underhanded that starts with recognizing you in a kitchen

D.Dan

Throughout my adult life my uPD mom never acknowledged my cooking skills (I built up my own skills without her help), just kept telling me how she and my sister (the GC) were great cooks and I should always go to them for help. (neither are particularly good cooks, nor have worked in the food industry)

I just figured that this was a trait my uPD mom liked about me and was claiming it for herself and my sister while trying to imply to others and myself that I couldn't cook anything without help.

The previous post was more like a moment of clarity. Like she was actually seeing me as myself, for the first time. And trying to figure out how to use that...  :roll:

It was funny though, she was telling me things about myself that I've (literally) known for years!

Andeza

I've got a gem to share... for background I just had a baby recently and uBPDM hasn't been out to visit yet.

Mom: Do you only breastfeed?

Me: Yeah

Mom: Oh I can't wait to see that!

Me:  :stars: Not much to see, just a blanket...

Mom: Oh your one of those women

Me: uh huh

Mom: But I'm your mom!

Me: Yeah, but it's my boob!

:aaauuugh: Holy inappropriateness, batman!
Remember, that there are no real deadlines for life, just society's pressures.      - Anonymous
Lasting happiness is not something we find, but rather something we make for ourselves.

doglady

Wow. Reading these and some of the other batshit threads reminds me of a relationship I was in about 30 years ago with a guy who gaslit, isolated, lied, justified and denied every step of the way. Initially came across as very attentive,  charming and intelligent and he decided he liked me. Not having been brought up with much in the way of self esteem, I felt thankful (!) and our relationship began.
Despite his initial favourable presentation, it soon transpired that he was 'between jobs,' was apparently an as yet undiscovered and tortured artist and that I would simply have to support him while he became the next Van Gogh (yes, really).
He moved in very quickly, of course, and used my car to drive to art classes in another town, did not work or contribute and did no housework and complained when I got home from one of my jobs. I was also studying, so I had my hands full. He also tried to alienate my friends. He smoked massive amounts of pot and cigarettes while constantly complaining about his asthma. He also had eczema and would scratch incessantly at night, which of course I had empathy for, but when I tried to go to another room so I could get some sleep he would throw a fit and say I didn't love him. So I would stupidly lay there for hours staring into the darkness wondering what I'd done to deserve this.

Just a few of his comments:
"It's better for you to be the one who works, rather than me, because you're from peasant stock. I am from Bohemian aristocracy" (pretty sure he wasn't).
"Don't you know everyone round here hates you? I'm probably the only person who could put up with you." Said within a few days of moving in with me.
"I'm one of the most fashionable guys in [very large capital city] but it pisses me off that everyone keeps trying to copy my look."
After standing motionless against a wall for some minutes while staring at me menacingly, and me laughing and asking if he was all right, "I'll have you know I've convinced a lot of people that I really am a vampire."
"People often think I look like Daniel Day Lewis." (Ah, just no.)
After finally leaving my house after I kicked him out, after having threatened to kill me and my dogs and him saying that he was extremely patient for putting up with me and not having punched me multiple times, he then turned up the following week having walked from a nearby town, to hectically inform me that "Wuthering Heights is real." (Yeah, I don't know either. Fancied himself as Heathcliffian/Byronic type though.) I got in my car with my dogs and drove off and left him to walk right back from whence he came.
He then went on to his next victims with a sob story about how I didn't appreciate him and had booted him out. Some highly intelligent women who should've known better were happy to believe his spiel. Whatever.

I could go on. And on. And on. But you get the picture.

Sadly, he ended up overdosing about 20 years ago so he's been gone a long time now. I hadn't seen him for some years prior to that. I hadn't thought of him in quite a while but reading some of these posts brought it all back. They were without doubt the three worst years of my life (and I say this as someone who had a pretty crap childhood and adolescence with my FOO) and at least 2.5 of those years were spent with me actively trying to get him out of my life. But he wouldn't leave because "who else [but himself] would put up" with me?

However, I'm very grateful that I feel I've come some distance since those days . I like myself more and put up with far less crap. So it just goes to show that we can heal if we make the tough decisions and seek help for ourselves and keep working at it.
Good luck to everyone.

doglady

I guess I also wanted to add that I often felt during that relationship that I was being hit over the head with some kind of lesson. It felt as if I was being taught something I really needed to learn, somehow. It's true that all the batshit stuff certainly helped me learn to be determined not to put up with it again in any subsequent relationship. I learned that for sure. Not that I recommend these types of lessons. But I chose to take that from it, I guess.

Spygirl

Dog lady

Back calm and about you needing to suffer it to learn something I swear to God that's what happened to me.

It's like it took 10 years of going through something so painful and dramatic that it was transformative and actually whacked me over the head with the insight I needed to see about my own upbringing so I could permanently change it.

And sad and angry as I am, i allowed my ex husband to treat me the way he did.

I almost want to say thank you for being a bastard to him, because without it, i never would have figured out what my problem is.

doglady

Hey Spygirl
You put it so well. That is exactly it! In a strange way, I felt kind of like thanking my ex too. Not for the pain, the constant accusations the belittling etc etc but for the lessons I ultimately was able to take out of all of it.
Amazing what life can throw up at us isn't it? Not that I'm a sucker for punishment but it's goid to know it wasn't all for nought I guess.

Spygirl

Doglady
After over a year on this site, i can say my problems are well on the way to being resolved. Shame it took half my life to figure it out.