HELP- 2 years after divorce from BPD/NPD, being sued to change custody agreement

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anxiousmom

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Hi, I'm sorry this is so long but I'm trying to give enough information so that you guys can get the best picture of the scenario.

I was married to a diagnosed BPD man with undiagnosed (but very clear) NPD. We divorced a little over 2 years ago after several instances of infidelity and continued manipulations, erratic, and suicidal behavior. He was in a mental institution in some form or fashion. It was an uncontested divorce and I received sole custody of our son. He had visitation with SUPERVISED visitation (by me, at my house), but I have continued to go above and beyond to allow him to be a convenience dad. He contacts me last minute if he wants to see our child and I accomodate 99% of the time. He sees him multiple times during the week and he chooses another day - in the afternoons.

The last two years have looked like this:

End of 2016: He took a solo trip to Iceland for a "me" trip while the divorce was being finalized, had sex with a woman there, was arrested for rape, got his passport taken, went thru the courts, the girl's family member testified she falsified the accusation and he was released with the charges dropped. He then attempted suicide in his hotel room (this is all, of course, according to him)

2017 (just last year): he went off his meds without telling anyone, was stalking me, driving past my house, going thru my trash because he suspected there was another man who had been to my house, hyperfocusing on me, made many statements indicating he cared more about me than anyone or anything else (including our child), was only focused on winning me back. I have multiple recorded phone conversations throughout this entire year with his erratic behavior, focusing on me, crying, telling me he still loved me and he had NOTHING in his life if I wouldn't be his friend, etc.

2018: he had shown signs of irrational behavior in how he reacted when he found out about my serious boyfriend (now fiance) and we had several issues but I still tried to work with him when I felt he could handle it. When I got engaged was when everything started to really change.

Per our divorce decree: we use a parenting facilitator to discuss any changes or disputes, mediation, etc. He asked for our child (then 5 years old) to come to his house and start spending some of their time at his house. I said we could discuss at parenting facilitator, which we did and I agreed to doing a walkthrough, telling him what I was comfortable with and what was unacceptable, and starting out very slow and gradual. I also, at this time, visited a child psychologist by myself to discuss general child development to make sure I did this the right way so that in case I had to dial the visits back down, it wouldn't affect our child psychologically.  Keep in mind, he had never ever been to his father's house and did not seem at all curious about it, didn't ask to go, is very well-adjusted in the norm.

During the walkthrough, there were several things we discussed, one being the firearm he had UNLOCKED at the top of his closet that he didn't see a problem with, another being the fact that he had already decorated a room with a BED that looked very enticing. I said the bed would be extremely confusing for our child because this was his first introduction to his dad's house and we were a LONG way from him spending the night. He agreed and said -- because it was a super tall loft bed -- he was ordering blankets to cover it with, have those blankets hang down, and turn it into more of a fort underneath rather than a bed. He also said the ladder to that bed would stay in the closet so our child could not even attempt to climb up the bed. I agreed to this although I was extremely uncomfortable.  I am sure you all can relate to the feeling of walking on eggshells and always trying to do the dance of doing things in your child's best interest whilst not upsetting your PD ex enough to cause problems.  Also he offered to let me have the firearm because he "never used it," so I was able to make sure it was locked up safely.

When the time for the scheduled visit came, he never told me the blankets for the fort weren't in yet. So we came and there was a very obvious bed. The other minor things we agreed upon were not done either. I still brought our child over, a handful of times and because our child seemed to be able to handle a few hours at a time, I agreed to drop our child off for a few hours at a time.

After a mere handful of visits, and closer to my impending wedding, BPD exH tells me he thinks he should have overnights. I said I don't think you're ready for that, but I'm happy to discuss with our parenting facilitator per our decree. We set the appointment but due to her availability, it's about 3-4 weeks out. The very next visit our child had at his house, I noticed the ladder was place back on his bed, without discussing with me.

I asked him about it and he dismissed me, saying we could only discuss it at our next meeting with the parenting facilitator. At this point it was clear he was using our child as a pawn, because he wanted our child to start wanting to stay there by seeing the ladder and the bed, he was going back on our previous co-parenting agreement, and - like times in the past when he had cycled - I would need to dial things back down. I told him in the meantime, visitation would take place back at my home.

I was served shortly afterward with no warning, no discussion, before our parenting facilitator meeting. He is asking for joint custody, first right of refusal if I'm gone for more than 12 hours, a custody evaluator, for our child to be allowed to be around his family (his mother emotionally abused him, was manipulative, had sex with her boyfriend in the same room with him as a young boy, etc and he had no contact with her for a decade, our child has NEVER met his family or asked about them, and there was a restraining order in the decree preventing them from being allowed around our child.

They are asking for temporary orders for which we have a hearing later this month.

I have discovered that he is, of course, back in contact with his undiagnosed PD mother, who gave him the money for an attorney and I am sure is pushing his entitlement mentality here.

We went to the scheduled meeting and he sat there and played doting perfect father, even saying "I've done everything right the last 2 years." I have proof - documentation and recorded phone calls- that what he's saying is not true. Everything was about him, he even ADMITTED when I called him out about putting the ladder back on, "I felt it was time, and he should know that he should be able to stay at my house."

We have another scheduled parenting facilitator meeting this week, but I live in a constant state of anxiety. To ME, no objective person looking at this would give him what he's asking for. He impulsively sued me, and in doing so breeched our original agreement of going to the PF first, and is refusing now to co-parent with me by going behind my back. I have documentation of this.

Meanwhile, I imagine because he's being manipulated by his uPD mother who was always obsessed with having grandkids, he keeps trying to be friendly with me during his visits here. He asks me personal questions like how my friends are doing, etc. He mentions things that are happening in mutual friends lives and tries to interact as if he hasn't just sued me. It's very bizarre.

Any advice from anyone who has gone thru this? The temporary order hearing is scheduled a few days before Christmas and several days before we are supposed to all leave to go to another country to get married (I'm sure that's not a coincidence). Surely a judge wouldn't be willing to overlook the liability of temporarily granting this to someone with a documented record of mental health instability. Any thoughts would be much appreciated. I'm a wreck.
« Last Edit: December 03, 2018, 04:58:54 PM by all4peace »

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sonto92

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Anxious mom - It sounds to me like the odds are heavily in your favor in light of all of the history of your ex.  The move to get the lawyer before the parenting evaluator meeting (and your wedding) is classic PD.  You have have some upcoming events that mean a lot to you and I am going to do what i can to draw away any happiness from you and now you have to focus on me (the PD).  I'm sorry you have to go through this right now I might be somewhat naive on this, but his legal troubles are pretty significant and I truly don't believe that a court is going to over look that to change parenting.
I have 2 non-consecutive weeks of vacation with my kids every year.  I used one of those weeks prior to my second marriage for exactly that reason - so my ex wouldn't be able to throw a wrench into our wedding plans.

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Latchkey

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HI anxiousmom and welcome!

You are dealing with a lot here. I'd first say to not depend on the parent coordinator or the judge to make decisions in your child's best interest just based on what you've said. Do you have a good attorney ? I would recommend you get one immediately that understands high conflict, Parental Alienation, and the history of your exPDH.

The hospitalizations do not mean as much if they are not recent and if his arrests were in Iceland and did not involve physical abuse of you or your child then the courts likely would not take them into account. Still if you can find proof of this that would be interesting to have. Do you have other older arrests from when you were married or when he was stalking you?

The comments about unlocked firearms in the house are very concerning. Unfortunately, it sounds like you are the only witness to all this that has been going on. Are  there records of this house inspection with the parenting facilitator.

Your documentation is important and you need to get all this organized and work with the legal pros ASAP.

I agree with sonto92 that the timing of all this is likely spurred by your remarriage, the holidays, and the return of his PD mom into the picture.

I would think you could fight this temp order with the right counter order but please do not expect the judge to dismiss this out of hand.

It sounds like you've done a great job handling this mostly on your own for the past few years but now you need to get others involved.

 :bighug:

Latchkey

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anxiousmom

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Thanks to both of you for your responses. Here is some clarification:

I got my lawyer involved immediately and already gave her a spreadsheet of documentation along with all the audio files, text messages, etc. She's spoken to his attorney who said his psychiatrist told him my ex is "good" and "med compliant." He offered to set up a phone conference with my attorney and the psychiatrist, she said yes please, and he never did so.

The parenting facilitator DID witness the conversation about the unlocked firearm - we discussed it in her office. As a matter of fact, his defense was that it was "up really high, in a locked case--- well, not a locked case, but a case."

He also admitted in her office after I told him he was manipulating our child by using him as a pawn with the whole bed/ladder thing, that he did it because "I felt he should know that he can stay here if he wants." I would imagine a professional would make note of the fact that he is admitting to using his child to manipulate the situation but I just have so much fear of the unknown. It would be so detrimental to our child's well being for him to get anything he's asking for.

We have another meeting with parenting facilitator next week, so we'll have another opportunity to get things documented before the hearing. My attorney asked to start planning the child custody evaluator and his attorney pushed back and said it "didn't make sense" to do it while my ex is in supervised visitation at my house, so they'll only do it after the temporary hearing.

The only thing I can imagine is that now that his PD mom is back in his life, she's filling him with these grandiose thoughts. Our last meeting with PF, he said he had done everything right the last 2 years. It's just not true. I don't understand how he could think that. It's a complete revision of history.

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Latchkey

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anxiousmom,
I am so glad to hear you have an attorney and taking this seriously.
Unfortunately, revisions of history are what we all do with our memory and PDs do it so well and so thoroughly they convince themselves.

It sounds like the attorney your exH is working with is likely not aware of all that has happened or who his client is. If you read through many posts here and in Sep and Divorcing you'll see numerous outlandish seeming legal nuisance claims. Some BioPD parents and Step Parents are able to create a lot of trauma for everyone. I am hoping you don't have to deal with this for months and months.

If your PDH didn't get along with his PDmom for decades then it's likely this help and legal assistance and pressure from her may not last. Remember his PDmom is pressuring him likely more than he is pressuring her for "help" since he's been fine with the status quo. However some PD grandparents try for visitation so not trying to scare you but I've been on these boards and another one before this for over 10 years and the more you read the more you realize there is a lot of ways a PD can cause havoc.

In my case, I had DCFS involved and a very good attorney, therapist, and  GAL. I had joint custody with my exBPD/ASPD H but I was able to get his visitation suspended and he stopped fighting. My D's from that marriage are now 19 and 21. It was 10 years ago when this all happened in my life and that was the last time my D's saw their PD Dad because he refused to do even the basic requirements. He is now in some contact with my DD19 but she is being very cautious and has no plans to see him.

 I would think a GAL would be appointed before any thing changes but again, not sure on this.
Keep posting and sharing more of your story.

Latchkey
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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Penny Lane

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Hi anxiousmom,
You are going through a LOT! In my situation I'm the fiancee marrying someone with a PD ex although she is not as severe as your ex. I don't have a lot of insight about the court stuff but I have found that what helps me is to take my frustration and fear and to channel it into being productive for the kids. In your case that might look like, compiling documents or other things to help with the hearing or otherwise looking for ways to help out your lawyer. It might help to get yourself clear on the strategy that your lawyer will argue (something like, PDex has not always been safe for son to be around and anxiousmom has gone out of her way to facilitate the relationship, the best situation for son is the current one). Then you can look for other evidence or stuff that might help. Or even if you've done everything you can do on the court stuff, channel your frustration into quality time with your son, signing him up for lessons that you've been meaning to do or even just some holiday shopping for him.

Also, is there anything you know about his relationship with his mom that might help you out here? Like, if she would stop helping him if X came out in court (like emails where he says she's unstable, I don't know). Or she's probably only interested in whether SHE can see your son and if it becomes clear to her that your ex won't let her do that, she'll stop helping him. See if you can use that to your advantage.

I'm so sorry you're going through this! It sounds like an incredibly hard situation. I hope you get a good outcome for your son and you find some time to enjoy your upcoming wedding! I'm certain your ex would love it if he made you too stressed to really celebrate.

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athene1399

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Do you have any evidence of his irrational behavior in 2018? If you do get an L, I would bring that up and how in the past, he's gone off his meds without telling anyone and what that looked like. And definitely bring up the unlocked gun. Does the parental facilitator know about any of this?

and I know it will be difficult, but try your best to not let it ruin your wedding or holiday. That's probably part of why he's doing all this now.

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anxiousmom

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I documented it at the time, so I know that's not HARD evidence but it's something. I always document in email so it has the timestamp. The parenting facilitator does know about some of this, she does know about the unlocked gun, and his inability to make age appropriate decisions for our child.

I hear him talk and think to myself "surely an expert will see right through this," but obviously there's no way to know. I just can't see how he can prove it's in the best interest of our child, who is thriving in the current situation and doesn't ever ask for more time with his dad, ask to go over there, etc.

Do you have any evidence of his irrational behavior in 2018? If you do get an L, I would bring that up and how in the past, he's gone off his meds without telling anyone and what that looked like. And definitely bring up the unlocked gun. Does the parental facilitator know about any of this?

and I know it will be difficult, but try your best to not let it ruin your wedding or holiday. That's probably part of why he's doing all this now.

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anxiousmom

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We had our parenting facilitator meeting last night. His self-aggrandizement was in full force. I went through the issues we have had the last 2 years to explain he had not done "everything right" the last 2 years as he said.

I must say, he put up a good front. He was very clearly heavily coached to give buzzwords. When asked what "co-parenting" meant to me, I said adults making adult decisions based on our child's best interest and leaving the child out of it." When asked what it meant to him, he just said "joint custody and him spending the night at my house."

He said I've done a great job "marginalizing" him, even though I've bent over backwards to accommodate him and can show proof of it. His focus was that it isn't a "normal" situation for him to have to come to his ex's house with her new fiance to spend time with his son. Said he's a great dad. Boasted about all the work he's doing in AA and "community service." Everything was focused on him and how he's "earned this right," etc.

When I brought up the gun issue, he first would not admit that him making up an excuse that he was going to the gun range was a lie. He said "I was going to the gun range and also I did know that she was being served, but the two were not related." Then two minutes later he had the audacity to say "Well honestly I was a little worried about you having the gun because I didn't know how you would react to being served..." To try and make me look like the crazy one even though I have no record of anything remotely close to that and he has multiple suicide attempts.

In regards to his mother- he said he had "made amends" with her as part of the 9th step of AA and they've forgiven each other but he has many more boundaries now- if she had it her way "they'd be talking 24/7" but he told her "I work and I can't talk all day" and that he "knows she would like a relationship with her grandchild." PF asked if we agreed before the divorce that she would not be a part of our child's life and I told her yes, we agreed to that before I even got pregnant. He didn't deny that and she wrote it down.

He also scoffed and was very defensive throughout the meeting when I brought up past history. Told me I don't get to make judgments on his mental health because I am "not a licensed health professional."

PF encouraged us to have our attorneys work together to come up with some creative solutions before this temporary hearing is scheduled. Said once it gets to a judge, "you're giving your power over to the judge to make decisions." Not sure if that was a signal to either of us either way.

At one point, he kept pointing to his "2-3 hour increment visits" and I asked him "who sets the time you come see him?" He says, "WELL I WORK for a living, I can't come see him during the day." OK your work is so important you can't be flexible in seeing your son but you want all these additional responsibilities.

He also said that our arrangement "probably was for the best" at the beginning but he's better now.

I know in all of our visits, it's all been about him, from the beginning. Even now, he isn't willing to work with me on anything except giving him exactly what he wants. He just says he thinks it's time for a judge to decide. I am hoping and praying the PF is picking up on this based on our previous meetings up to now.

Thoughts?

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Penny Lane

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Wow, it sounds like he said a lot of BS at this meeting! I hope the PF picked up on that. My initial thought is that it sounds like you're doing EVERYTHING right, so kudos to you, this is a very hard situation!

Also, I actually think this is really good advice:

PF encouraged us to have our attorneys work together to come up with some creative solutions before this temporary hearing is scheduled. Said once it gets to a judge, "you're giving your power over to the judge to make decisions." Not sure if that was a signal to either of us either way.

I find that BM often asks SO for a giant thing where what she really wants is a very small part of it. You might see if that's happening here and if what he really wants is something you can live with.

For example: When they were back in court recently she wanted to redo their entire holiday schedule in a way that would totally prevent an annual family trip the kids have been taking since they were born. SO was furious - he thought she was trying to kill the whole deal with this last-minute addition. She was saying all this stuff like the kids have asked to see her during his holiday time (well guess what, they ask to see him during her holiday time too! His response is, have a great time with your mom and I'll see you after!).

But then he asked her about it and suggested some other options, and it turned out that her only issue was that with a new 50/50 schedule, he would have the kids a couple days more per year because of this holiday. So the solution was seriously just that they gave her two additional holiday days per year. That's it!

I'm not even sure if SHE realized that she didn't want to revamp the holiday schedule, she just wanted this small change. And SO had to do alllll the work, from finding the compromise to paying his lawyer to write it up. But it was worth it because they would've probably gone to court otherwise.

I wonder if this might actually be the crux of his whole issue:
His focus was that it isn't a "normal" situation for him to have to come to his ex's house with her new fiance to spend time with his son.

Is it possible that he hates coming into your home with your new partner and he's fixating on changing the custody agreement as a way to stop doing that? Can you offer him some sort of change where he doesn't have to come to your house but the structure of the agreement is still intact? Can you find some other little bones to throw him in a settlement offer?

Also, are there any changes YOU want to make to the custody arrangement? Like maybe, he can't come by your house anymore? I'd throw those out there too. If nothing else it'll move the middle ground more toward your position.

One more thing: it might help if you present to him, and to the court, a conciliatory attitude toward his "changes." You are very impressed that he's worked so hard to better himself! He's doing great work in community service! You want your son to enjoy the benefits of having a father around! The only thing is that addiction recovery is a slow, uncertain process, and you just want to make sure that everyone is ready for each new step and it doesn't throw off his recovery or relationship with the kids and OF COURSE everyone wants the same thing here... If someone needs to be the bad guy and say "look how unstable he is, he DEFINITELY shouldn't have overnights yet", let it be your lawyer if at all possible.

Good luck!!

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athene1399

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Quote
know in all of our visits, it's all been about him, from the beginning. Even now, he isn't willing to work with me on anything except giving him exactly what he wants.
Unfortunately know about this all too well. Our BM is a struggling single mom of three (with custody of none), who is a saint and the most humble, caring person you will ever meet. At least that's how she sees it. And that usually fuels her actions. She feels more than entitled to get whatever she is asking for.

I think you should say you can see he's making steps towards change, but don't feel he's ready for overnight stays. Since he doesn't like visiting at your home, is there a service in the area that can provide supervised visitation? We have Catholic Charities out here that does that. Although I have no idea how to get on their client list. It may be court mandated. Or is there a friend or family member around you trust that he may be comfortable with doing the supervision? Maybe offer to change that part of the agreement. Keep the supervised visitation, but change the where and who is supervising. I wouldn't be comfortable with overnights either if I were in your shoes. Let him know that you will be watching his progress and as he moves forward in his AA program, you may be more comfortable with him having a bit more time with the kids. We did something similar after BM's last suicide attempt. First SD was supervised with a family member we trusted. Then after a few months and BMs behavior seemed (and remained) stable, we did an overnight here and there. Then eventually we were back on the usual schedule. But every situation is different, so like I said, just do what you are comfortable with.

Keep up the documentation. You never know when that will help. Per our L, anything that occurred after the current custody agreement can be brought up in court. I wasn't too positive of your timeline, but it looks like the incidences in 2016 and 2017 were after the custody agreement. You could possibly use that as evidence of his instability.

If you can bring to the PF some minor changes that you can live with, see what he thinks. If he wants more, then try to get some legal advice.

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hhaw

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am:

It's difficult to remain calm when the PD tries to make you look like the dangerous/unstable/controlling person, but imperative, ime.  PDs do their best to drive us over the edge.  That chaos manufacture creates confusion.  Confusion is their best bet in court, IME.

From what you posted, I'd say you've documented well enough/consistently to dispell the confusion ExPd is spinning.

Courts don't like to change the status quo.

They rely on Orders, and Agreements already in place.

You're conduct is indicative of a child centered parent doing her best to support the relationship between her son and his father.  THAT is what the court cares about, imo, as you address this case.

You're still supporting that relationship.  You're still following rules, and trying to work through the agreed go between. 

The PD can say anything he likes, but the attorneys and Judge will likely notice the PD's focus on himself and what he wants, rather than what's best for his son.  They'll get see every discrepancy you can document regarding past visitation, and your willingness to be logical and fair.

I don't think this will go to trial.  If it does you have everything in your favor.  Trial with PDs are about addressing all their false statements in court, and the harsh light of the courtroom loves documents, and evidence, which they typically have none.  What they do have is usually given out of context, and easily explained.

Court going badly for them often means they begin coming unhinged, but that only matters if you remain calm, consistent, level mom.....zero snarky, raising your voice, speaking out of turn or bringing up insane PD details you can't actually prove

That means you pull together all your evidence, and build your case around it.  Keep things short, simple and easy to understand.

When answering legal questions for opposing counsel give the burger, maybe the bun, never condiments or veggies.  Short and simple. 

It's easy to get upset when your child is threatened, so I found it helpful to imagine I was speaking to a child when testifying.  That way I tended not to ramble, or sound shrill, etc. 

You sound like a wonderful parent.  I believe you'll be able to show the court all relevant facts.  Just remember the PD's game is to baut you into outbursts.  Think if everything you do and say as something the court will see or hear.  Continue to document, and keep visits as normal as you can.

From here, it looks like the ex flipped out bc of your engagement.  I think he'll show the court exactly who he is, even if someone in this mess believes him for a while.  They can't fool everyone, and they can't back up their story with evidence, so try now t to worry.  Spend your energy preparing your e nails in a binder.  Maybe all in order by dates.  You can pull from there regarding issues like safety, not showing up for visits, being late, medications, etc.

You'll if course pull the ones that tell your story succinctly, but have everything at hand, just in case you end up at trial.  You never know what the PD will say, and disproving negatives I'd the name if this game, ime.

I'm sorry you have to go through to this.  You sound competent, and up to this task.

Good luck,

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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anxiousmom

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Thanks for your feedback, it is all very helpful as I navigate through this. We have filed a motion for continuance and counter petition and the hearing is tomorrow. They filed an objection to the motion to continue with a bunch of overreaching, generalizing statements. I'm sick about it. I hate not knowing what will happen. I am praying that the judge sees through it all and focuses on the fact that he is not abiding by our original agreement, and the best interest of DS.  I understand not everyone is religious, but if you choose to pray, please pray for the judge to have discernment and wisdom. If you don't, good vibes would be appreciated.
« Last Edit: December 23, 2018, 03:38:44 PM by Latchkey »

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Latchkey

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Sending both good vibes and prayers your way... keep us posted.
 :bighug:
Pray for the dead and fight like hell for the living.
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There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.
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When we have the courage to do what we need to do, we unleash mighty forces that come to our aid.

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anxiousmom

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FYI we had our day in court. Our motion to continue was first to be heard. The judge first encouraged our lawyers to come to an agreement. His lawyer wouldn't budge. All they want are unsupervised overnights. His lawyer was extremely condescending toward me and painted the narrative of me being "overprotective" and irrational. They brought his psychiatrist as an "expert witness" (although he wasn't heard) and his lawyer spewed a bunch of lies about my ex like he'd done everything right the past 2 years.

We had to wait until a bunch of other cases were heard and he came back to us. He made it clear after both attorneys spoke that he was not going to overturn previous agreements in a temporary hearing because temporary hearings are supposed to be used for emergency type situations.

He granted our motion to continue and encouraged us to come to an above and beyond agreement for Christmas Eve because "it's Christmas."

My ex BPD did not get anything he asked for in the petition. All he got was unsupervised time on Christmas Eve from 8 am-1 pm. Literally, when my lawyer reminded the judge, "he's never had that long." The judge said "I know. But it's Christmas."

But again, he made it very clear that he was not willing to overturn prior agreements in temporary hearings and that he encouraged us to work with the parenting facilitator and work something out because the court would "probably come up with something that both parties won't like."

Again, I have been trying to work with him this way this entire time, he's the one who has either refused or just agreed to something and then completely disregarded it.

Our next court date is Jan 11, and we have another meeting with the facilitator Jan 8th, so now we breathe, enjoy the holidays, and go get married on the beach.  :) Thank you all for all your feedback and thoughts. Enjoy your holidays and Merry Christmas. Will be thinking and praying for all of you that you all have peace over the holiday season.

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athene1399

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I would count this as a win.Your ex didn't get what he wanted.  :) And make sure you note how Christmas goes with him and your child. You can bring that up next time in court. It does suck that you have to go back. I've been there, and it really feels like your life is in limbo and can change on a moment's notice. But make the best of it. Make sure you can show you're doing your best to work with your ex. Judges like it when the parents try to communicate and work things out.
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He said I've done a great job "marginalizing" him, even though I've bent over backwards to accommodate him and can show proof of it
If you're showing that you're trying to be accommodating but your ex's behavior makes it impossible to co-parent or trust him, that can work in your favor next time. Please let us know what happens with the PF. Try your best to offer compromises because he probably won't accept them, so it will look good that you can show you're trying to be accommodating and he's just not accepting anything.

Have a great wedding and a great Christmas!

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hhaw

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It's upsetting when Family court Judges make it sound like they'll punish both parties if the Judge is forced to hear your case, Ime.... it's a good threat the great Judges don't make.

I'm guessing your attorney know a bit about your Judge, and how he tends to rule.  Ime, even the really bad judges have a hard time ruling against the parent with great records, and evidence.  They take many oaths, and dislike being overturned

The PD and his attorney aren't going to budge.... it's likely everyone involved knows that.  The threat to rule, and make everyone cunhappy, is meant to scare you, ime.  The PD doesn't care about son's best interests.  Any change, even bad changes, are agood if you hate them too,

Be strong.  Hold steady.  Keep asking for what's best for your son.  It's hard for Judges to change Orders, esp when the PDs ask for things based on lies they can't back up.

Believe in your evidence.

Always speak about your ex with compassion.... he's ill, and the father if your son.  Judges don't like snark and discord.  You be the calm dependable voice of reason this Judge can trust to help the mentally unstable PD dad have the best relationship he can with his son.  Don't ever let the Judge think you'll be Petty, small or withholding, and his job gets easier, ime.

Remember, the PD wants to upset you.  Don't ever let him.  The calmer you are, the more chance the PD comes unglued.

 Embrace your wedding with joy, and congratulations on you upcoming nuptials.



hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt

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Penny Lane

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Thinking of you today, anxiousmom! I hope the visit goes as well as it can, and have a great wedding!!!

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anxiousmom

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Update: our temp order hearing has to be rescheduled because our judge is out until march.

Also, we had a parenting facilitator meeting scheduled last night that he did not show up for. He has not indicated to me personally what excuse he has for why he didnít show up but I find it very telling that even when he forces us into court and is supposed to be on his best behavior, he canít handle it.  Iím viewing it as a blessing in disguise.

BTW: our wedding and vacation was absolutely perfect and our cell service didnít even work so even if he intended to bother us, he couldnít have. :)
« Last Edit: January 09, 2019, 10:28:44 PM by anxiousmom »

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hhaw

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Whoo hoo!

::doing the snoopy dance for anxiousmom!::.

The PDs have a hard time holding steady.  He tried to unhinge you, and ended up feeling too unsteady to be consistent, and responsible himself.   It's one more failure to show this Judge who he is, and he'll eventually show everything if he makes it to the end of this case, IME.

Lack of evidence tends to do that, IME.

Expect the PD to come back with some insane excuse for missing this meeting.  The date on his paperwork was wrong, or looked like another date, or his mother is ill, or his cat died, or he had a car wreck..... he'll likely want sympathy, AND another meeting that wastes more of your time, and money. 

Stay steady,  and know you have the stronger case.   

Congrats on enjoying your wedding vaca. 

hhaw



What you are speaks so loudly in my ears.... I can't hear a word you're saying.

When someone tells you who they are... believe them.

"That which does not kill us, makes us stronger."
Nietchzsche

"It is better to light a candle than curse the darkness."
Eleanor Roosevelt