Is it possible?

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Is it possible?
« on: December 04, 2018, 10:04:44 AM »
The other night I thought to myself that I was feeling a centremetre's worth of positivity towards men/remarriage etc..

That thought was immediately followed by the realisation that the reason for that tiny amount of positivity was because uNPD ex H had been quiet for a short period. I realised that the positivity would once again be blown out of the water once he blew up again.

Sure enough, the next day, he was back to his usual awful self, this time devastating ds12.

And I was back to my usual "Nup. Never again. Impossible." attitude.

When this happens I get so frustrated. Dealing with his abuse means I have nothing left to give to another person/relationship. I spend all my emotional energy on keeping it together for ds and on self care.  There's just nothing left.

I know some of you have managed to repartner while still dealing with abuse.

How did you do it?

I think I'm really just venting and asking the question rhetorically.   But if anyone wants to chime in...

AOD

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practical

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #1 on: December 04, 2018, 02:37:48 PM »
I totally get it, if you would offer me a "replacement" for F I would say "Thanks, but no thanks! I'm too tired."

What could happen and in ideal world would happen is that having somebody else in your life would make dealing with your Ex and his wife easier, because you are no longer carrying it all on your own.

I think you are stuck in a Catch 22 right now - you may in some moments want a new relationship, but you are too tired to even get to the first step because of your Ex and without that first step, you cannot find somebody to share lots of good things but also your burdens with, both of which might make you feel less exhausted.
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #2 on: December 05, 2018, 10:28:13 AM »
Thank-you for your understanding, Practical.

AOD

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coyote

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #3 on: December 06, 2018, 06:19:09 PM »
AOD,
I don't know your whole story. Do you still live with ex or is he blowing up at ds during visits or something. It may not be possible to have the energy to pursue other relationships while you are still entrenched with him. I know in my situation I had to get dd raised and get my ex out of my hair before I could really feel free. As long as we have the dd to raise she always had a hook to take up space in my head.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2018, 10:13:57 PM »
He left over 6 years ago and quickly moved in with the uNPD woman he'd been maintaining an (emotional at the least) affair with throughout our marriage. They married within 12 months of our divorce.

We have a ds12 so I unfortunately have to deal with uNPD exH and his uNPD wife for several years yet.

AOD

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coyote

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #5 on: December 10, 2018, 02:53:45 PM »
AOD,
I feel your pain on this one. The only thing I can say is the next 6 years will go by quicker than you think. In the meantime gain all the support you can and keep us up to date. This too shall pass.
How people treat you is their karma; how you react is yours.
 Wayne Dyer

The only person educated is the one who has learned how to learn and change.  Carl Rogers

The problem is not the problem. The problem is your attitude about the problem. Do you understand?
Capt. Jack Sparrow

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athene1399

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #6 on: December 28, 2018, 11:44:43 AM »
AoD,

I think you should be proud of yourself for recognizing the pattern: when you think you're ready for a relationship, it's because your ex isn't blowing up your life. Many may not be able to do that and could jump into a new relationship before they are ready.

It just takes time. Don't feel pressured to jump into a relationship if you're not ready for it. I used to do that and just ended up in one emotionally abusive relationship after another. When I took the time to heal and figure out what I really wanted in a relationship, i stopped the abusive cycle of just finding someone else to use me. Take all the time you need.  Work on you, and when you're ready the right person will come along. :)

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #7 on: December 28, 2018, 06:06:28 PM »
Thanks, Athene.

UNPD exH is quiet again now because of the holidays.

But I was thinking just yesterday about the history of my romantic life.

I've only had one man show an interest in me other than my uNPD exH. That happened before I met the ex and that man was very waify (admittedly he was only 18 at the time.)

I've had no one show any interest since uNPD exH left.

But at my age there are fewer available men. And so far the ones I've met are, well, - they're single for a reason!

But I do wonder if I've given off some kind of vibe all my life that repels men? I seem to get along well with everyone though (except the ex and his uNPD wife), so I don't really think so.

AOD

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Rose1

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2019, 04:07:24 AM »
I remarried but took a long time to work on myself and also had the kids to a point where they were no longer the pd tool to get at me.  I absolutely could not have done a relationship justice before. Married a non I had known for a long time and it's good because we both get it and we also know a flea if we see it. Neither of us have any contact with ex's. Don't think I could deal with that too well.
« Last Edit: January 10, 2019, 11:22:36 AM by coyote »

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hhaw

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Re: Is it possible?
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2019, 10:43:09 PM »
AOD:

It's more than just not having the energy, IME. '

If we're dealing with litigious PDs, then it's also about exposure to risk factors we might truly regret....
WILL a new man turn out to be a liability?  Will the PD manipulate him for the courts?  WILL he end up being a witness on the stand, God forbid, against us?  People are sometimes stupid, and spiteful, and do terrible things when they believe they're doing good things, IME.  This is a difficult to thing to contemplate when we're struggling to keep our heads above water as is, IME.

Also, will he be a nightmare Pd, like the original PD?  Our pickers haven't always worked so well, and maybe we'll always choose poorly?  Maybe we fear we will, even if it's not strictly the truth.

The third reason....
hearing people in our lives say "you chose him." 

That's true.  We did choose the PD men we had children with, and we'll never be free of them.  It's daunting.  It's demoralizing.  It's also something not everyone in the world HAS to live with. 

Bringing a lovely man INTO this situation would somehow, on some level, feel like inflicting the PD onto someone else's life.  I think we sometimes battle with feeling afflicted and maybe we are..

I will say this, most people on this board come across as giving, sensitive, deserving people.  I think you're worthy of a reciprocal, caring relationship with a kind man.  If that's what you want, then I hope you learn everything yu can about healthy boundaries, then open yourself to relationship.

Honor yourself, your instincts,  and your gut, above all.  Employ the 51% rule, without fail.

Good luck,
hhaw



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