Communicate with your parents about uBPD sibling

Started by whatthefog, March 06, 2019, 06:53:01 AM

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whatthefog

I have a younger sister (in her mid 20s) with uBPD (still trying to get an understanding of all the acronyms on here). It's always been a bumpy ride and her behavior has contributed to that but the other thing that has is the behavior and actions of our parents. My parents are enablers, rescuers, and seem to be in denial about her condition. Everything came to a head a couple years ago when she began dating a man who is verbally abusive, immature, rude, and similarly to her likes to create drama. She estranged herself from our family and it affected each of us in deep ways. He threatened physical abuse on her son and this led to more drama and eventually to their relationship ending.

Now 7 months later I've learned they are back together. My parents are accepting of this and my other sister and I are not. I want nothing to do with them as an entity, and also want to have a separate relationship with her. I also don't want to argue with my parents who had issues last go round with my reluctance to accept their relationship and the boundaries I needed to have for myself in all of it with her. My parents are wonderful but they lack boundaries and it's infuriating. I know I can't control theirs but I need them to respect mine.

How can I navigate it this time in a way that distances myself from my sister and her bf and sets healthy boundaries while also not feeding the drama? Any tips on how to deal with parents of an uBPD who further enable those behaviors and don't seem to get my needs and where I am coming from?

LemonLime

What strikes me when I read your post, whatthefog, is that there is likely no way of dealing with this that won't upset somebody.  Where there are PD's, there is drama.   They live on it and thrive on it.   I have found that even Gray Rock can irritate and cause drama for the PD in my life (see "Tools" to read more about Gray Rock).    It really is uncanny how just about anything can make them angry.

So you may well "feed the drama" if you set boundaries, because surely someone will not like that.   But of course setting boundaries is the healthiest thing to do for you (and for them, though they don't know that).   It's a form of tough love, and nobody who is the recipient of tough love welcomes it.   Your parents are unlikely to understand it, and may not support you in it.  But WE will support you, and you can get a therapist to support you if you need it.

Good luck.  This is difficult.   You may be the only adult in the room, and that is a lonely feeling sometimes.

Unvitation to Drama

Quote from: whatthefog on March 06, 2019, 06:53:01 AM
I have a younger sister (in her mid 20s) with uBPD (still trying to get an understanding of all the acronyms on here). It's always been a bumpy ride and her behavior has contributed to that but the other thing that has is the behavior and actions of our parents. My parents are enablers, rescuers, and seem to be in denial about her condition. Everything came to a head a couple years ago when she began dating a man who is verbally abusive, immature, rude, and similarly to her likes to create drama. She estranged herself from our family and it affected each of us in deep ways. He threatened physical abuse on her son and this led to more drama and eventually to their relationship ending.

Now 7 months later I've learned they are back together. My parents are accepting of this and my other sister and I are not. I want nothing to do with them as an entity, and also want to have a separate relationship with her. I also don't want to argue with my parents who had issues last go round with my reluctance to accept their relationship and the boundaries I needed to have for myself in all of it with her. My parents are wonderful but they lack boundaries and it's infuriating. I know I can't control theirs but I need them to respect mine.

How can I navigate it this time in a way that distances myself from my sister and her bf and sets healthy boundaries while also not feeding the drama? Any tips on how to deal with parents of an uBPD who further enable those behaviors and don't seem to get my needs and where I am coming from?

This right here in bold. This is EXACTLY what your sister wants....to divide and conquer...to be able to play the victim....
The fact of the matter is that both your sister, as well as you parents are adults. 
IF they want to enable her behavior, that's their problem, not your problem. However, I wouldn't be there to bail out the enabling parents.
IF your sister wants to get back into a volatile and potentially dangerous relationship, that's her choice. Based on your other post, it appears that the resurgence of this relationship is simply attention getting behavior on your sister's part. Honestly, I would be very Grey Rock about the whole thing. These personality disordered people either want to be in your face, or running through your mind 24/7.