My PDw and my health situation

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Samuel S.

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My PDw and my health situation
« on: December 07, 2018, 01:30:14 AM »
This time of the year with the holidays is always rough for anyone and that much more so for someone who has lost someone very dear to them. My PDw lost her oldest daughter almost 20 years ago, and her birthday is right after the first of the year. So, my PDw has immersed herself with her studies especially, her work, and then cooking for us. She has told me she cannot handle anyone elseís problems, because her problems, her grief, is very deep and will never go away, which is very true.

As a result, her ability to relate to me is minimal and will mostly be a monologue with her talking. So, I just listen. She has made some assumptions about people, and she even made the assumption that I didnít mail something for her. I quickly responded that I mail everything that she wishes me to mail that day, if I have the time or the next day. Also, I know it is important for her. So, I do it for her. So, she quickly became silent.

Due to her grief and due to not being able to handle or deal with othersí problems, I have been keeping a secret from her. I did finally tell her that I have had pain in my neck and that I was owing to see a doctor. Otherwise, I havenít said anything to her. Bottom line, I have 2 tumors in my neck, and they are painful. I see my doctor next week, and I hope she wants to do surgery on me. Of course, I am apprehensive, scared, and hopeful. I have talked to my Tabout this who supports my decision to get well. I am not going to say anything to my PDw until I find out what my doctor wants to do. I just want to have the tumors removed and the pain to be away. I hate to not tell her, but she really doesnít care, because she canít care. I have to tell her eventually, but knowing how she is and feels, she is not going to be supportive, because she hasnít been in the past.

Well, thank you heating me out. Any thoughts?

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Hikercymru

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #1 on: December 07, 2018, 07:37:12 AM »
Hello Samuel.
You sound as if you feel very much on your own. With your pain and your worry. I am really sorry that you feel this way. You are doing the right thing by reaching out to your friends on this forum.
Your analysis of your situation  is very clear, from your previous posts and this one it seems that you know what your wife is like.
Big hugs
H

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1footouttadefog

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #2 on: December 08, 2018, 06:52:55 AM »
I am reminded of Lucie holding the football for Charlie Brown.  Unlike Charlie, you have learned how things will turn out and have decided to not play along.

I  sorry your wife is not there for you, I hope you can lean on your other family and friends.

Be optimistic that your tumors can be dealt with medically and that your symptoms will be relieved.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #3 on: December 11, 2018, 01:06:34 PM »
I had my doctor appointment yesterday. The end result is that due to being older, my spine is compressing, this pressing on some nerves. So, I have been referred to an orthopedic doctor. My doctor examined me where the potential tumors are on my face in the inside, and she has ordered another ultrasound and possibly biopsies. BTW, even this morning, I feel the pressure where she pressed, because it hurt.

When I returned to the house, my PDw suddenly asked me what happened, and I shared what happened. Then, she started putting down everything the doctor said and done. Then, she began complaining about having to cook, how it takes away from her time, etc. I told her how I have been getting salads, etc., but that still didnít please her. So, the rest of the evening, I just let her be.

I suspect that since this time of the year is emotionally hard for her, that she doesnít want to hear anything that distracts from her. While I understand her grief, she is putting her head in the sand, not wanting to accept the reality I exist and that I have medical issues.

In the meantime, being on this website and connecting with other family members and friends have been extremely helpful. Thank you!

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Phantom Muse

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #4 on: December 12, 2018, 03:15:58 PM »
Samuel,

I know this must be a scary time for you; I am keeping you in my thoughts.

I know you already know not to expect the support you need from your wife.  However, continue to get that support from whomever else you can.  I no longer tell my uBNPDso much of anything because it feels worse to be disregarded than to be alone when I really need a friend and partner.  For me, it's easier to manage my feelings alone than have to "recover" from more verbal abuse.

Spend as much time as you can with your family and friends, doing all that you enjoy!  You matter!

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2018, 03:34:51 PM »
Thank you, PhantomMuse!

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SonofThunder

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #6 on: December 12, 2018, 03:36:27 PM »
Samuel,

I will praying your pain and tumors to go away.  You clearly are able to predict your PDwís reactions well, which then also your skills in protecting yourself with the toolbox must be honing themselves well.  My applause for proactive medical care for yourself and i look forward to reading about your medical progress.

Thoughts and prayers for you,

SoT
Proverbs 17:1
A meal of bread and water in contented peace is better than a banquet spiced with quarrels.

2 Timothy 1:7
For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #7 on: December 13, 2018, 11:17:25 AM »
I truly appreciate all of the support you, my side of the family, and friends have given me. Being busy has kept me focus on what is meaningful for others and for me! Thank you!

My PDw returned from her pharmacy work. She gave me a form to fill out so I can get the second shingles shot from her today. So, she is interested in keeping meheLthy inthat regard.

In true PD form,later on in the evening, knowing that there is a great deal of uncertainty with these tumors in my face, she related to me that one of her customers has cancer and will be spending $17,000 a month for the pills. Also, there are many side effects to weaken the personís body.

While I believe she is telling the truth and while my T says to put up an emotional shield to block her negative talk, I didnít sleep well for half the night, thinking about what she said. If she is concerned about me, hugs and listening would have been far better, but thatís not a part of her personality. I am reminded of when I was in the hospital once, and she said that I should leave, because it is going to result in her insurance for me going up. Well, it didnít go up.

Like then and now, I really am upset with her for being so insensitive. It is cruel. She is going through a lot this time of the year, always grieving the loss of her oldest daughter to the West Nile virus.

In the meantime, I am waiting to get my second ultrasound to focus on those tumors, and I am focusing on the people and the things that bring me joy. I just wish my PDw one of the people like she was beforehand, but she is a PD who is very negative at her base, and she did a great job of being a fake to have me in her life.

Thank you for letting me vent!

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2018, 02:32:34 AM »
My PDw is now having another rough holiday season due to the loss of her oldest daughter almost 20 years ago who would have turned 27 at the beginning of January. She told me just tonight that she prefers not to do any of the gifting, meeting people, etc. So, I have just listened as I have for the last 19 years. I have written a majority of the cards and meeting people. Meanwhile, she has been working, studying, and cooking for us.

She also has said she canít handle anyone elseís problems due to her own grief. So, the message continues to be loud and clear, that she is un willing to hear much about my medical concerns. So, I have not told her about my apprehension about a couple of biopsies in the near future and their results. Once I get the results, I will share the results with her, hopefully with everything being fine.

Fortunately, my younger daughter has been very supportive from afar as well as my friends who live in the area. I even went to a hospitalís cancer center to get information about local groups.

With all that being said and done, I feel like I am dealing with this alone with her, with being matters and not mine. Yet, thatís how a PD is.

Now that the holiday break is on, I am keeping myself busy to distract myself as much as possible.

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UsedUp

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #9 on: December 20, 2018, 03:07:23 AM »
Samuel, you deserve so much better than this. I'm sorry you're in this situation.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #10 on: December 21, 2018, 01:28:44 AM »
UsedUp, you are right that I deserve much more than what I am getting. Yet, at the same time, my health is at a critical stage, because I may or may not cancer. Even beyond that, there is the financial reliance that I have put so much into this relationship. There is also another part that is very concerning. My PDw is a very depressed individual who has taken out her anger on herself by limiting what she ears. Thus, she is literally skin and bones. She has lost easily 30 pounds since I met her, and she probably weighs abou5 120 pounds. If I were to leave her, my fear is she would lose that much more weight or commit suicide. I know this sounds harsh or dramatic, but I have seen her go downhill. Sure, she has a counselor, a  quasi one, whom she respects, and she feels she is mak8ng improvement. Nevertheless, she really hasnít.

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Whiteheron

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #11 on: December 21, 2018, 09:03:17 AM »
:hug:
Hugs to you, Samuel. I hope everything goes well with your upcoming tests. I'm glad you have the support of your D and some friends during this time. It's hard to realize you're all alone in your marriage. I came to that conclusion 15 years into a 20 year marriage. It was a harsh realization for me. The fear of "what if" kept me chained to him for a long time. In the end, this website and therapy helped me realize that he and he alone is responsible for his actions. I could not be held responsible if he chose to self-destruct. No matter how hard he tried to convince me otherwise.

I wish you peace, strength and happiness through the holidays...and beyond!
You can't destroy me if I don't care.

Being able to survive it doesn't mean it was ever ok.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #12 on: December 23, 2018, 01:53:53 AM »
Since my biopsy will be coming up soon and since my PDwís insurance is first billed because she is full time, I decided to tell her tonight about the biopsy. She immediately asked if I could reschedule it so she could take me. I said I appreciated the thought, but there are only certain days they perform biopsies. Then, she said I shouldnít get it done, because she checked (without my permission) with her ďmedium counselor who said they are clogged pours, that I am old, and that I should not put my body through this biopsy. She also said that I am an unusual guy who wants help from a doctyinstead of avoiding them.

As you can see, she is confused. Also, I wouldnít want her to take me to the office due to her attitude. Also, I didnít appreciate it that she was talking behind my back about me without my permission. Also, the results verifiably show there are tumors, and my health is more important than a probable causeĒ from this ďmedium counselor ď who has been wrong more times than right.

I just let her talk. I donít want to get into an argument. So, I just changed the subject. Bottom line, this time of the year is bad for her, but she is also very manipulative.

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UsedUp

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #13 on: December 23, 2018, 02:18:14 AM »
Samuel, I hate to ask this, but do you have life insurance or other financial benefits that would go to her? Again, I'm sorry to bring this up, but what you're saying she does, and how she reacts to your health issues really does not seem to be in your best interest.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #14 on: December 23, 2018, 07:13:46 PM »
Yes, I do have minimal life insurance. When I pass, my retirement check will be the same for her as long as she lives. Like now, it will cover the normal expenses, but nothing else.

She is so much into acupuncture,  that she refutes any western medicine, because she believes it is the only cure to anything. When she studied at a clinic in Taiwan, they included western medicine, and she was critical of them.

She doesnít like that I am doing the biopsies and has tried to convince me not to; however, she wonít stop me. She is very obsessive in whatever she does and feels.

As for her not having my best interests, when she is so obsessive, I agree with you; however, she does prepare meals for the both of us, although she complains about it. I offer to do some things, like preparing food, etc., although she then complains I donít clean well enough for her. So, except for me making hot oatmeal each morning, she does the cooking.

In other words, she gives mixed messages about my health.

No matter what, I am going to preserve my health as much as I can, whether she agrees with me or not. BTW, I never manipulate or try to convince her about her own health concerns, such as her eating disorder which she would never admit to.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #15 on: December 25, 2018, 02:38:03 PM »
All of these years that I have known my PDw, most of the time, like a typical PD, the attention has been on her with me listening and hugging. The handful of times that I have been in the hospital, she has been semi-supportive with one time telling me to leave the hospital bed and go back to our condo due to the cost. BTW, there was no cost to us personally, and our insurance didnít increase.

Now that  I am getting biopsies on Thursday, January 10th combined with her grief, needing to replace a washer, and my carís flat tire, I frankly have mixed emotions. I feel almost guilty to have this scare of the biopsies. I know itís not my fault, but this is a worry that she doesnít need nor do I. I wish this didnít happen at all.

In the meantime, I have made plans to visit with people and to tutor during this vacation break.

I am scared about what is going to happen regarding my biopsies, especially since I had a benign tumor with no pain whatsoever removed in 1999. Now, I do have pain. I have seen the x-rays with the tumors as well.

In the meantime, I have joined an online group of people who are in a similar situation.

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #16 on: December 27, 2018, 01:59:21 AM »
I continue not divulging how I truly feel about getting biopsies with my PDw, because I have tried to express my feelings in the past to her about different things, only to be discounted again and again. To complicate matters, there are the typical expenses anyone has. So, I just do myself to be on guard around her. Also, she continuously bring up the tragic loss of her D who was only 7 1/2 about 20 years ago to the West Nile Virus.

The sadistic side of her has showed up again. Her sister is getting acupuncture treatment from her. My PDw has laughed and said she should ďsuck it upĒ while her sister shouted she was in pain. I have mentioned this on this website beforehand, and you would think after 5 years of acupuncture studies, that she would be much more sensitive; however, she is not.

Meanwhile, I am trying to keep myself busy as much as possible by exercising, watching movies, and getting together with friends.

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UsedUp

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #17 on: December 27, 2018, 02:50:38 AM »
Is there a particular reason you're staying with her? Is it love, or a feeling of safety? Or of not having to be alone or start over?

I'm way Out of the FOG now. With exH, and parents. It took years and years. I'm now 63 years old, free of that, and clear thinking. Your situation just boggles my mind on why you continue to put up with that.

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RavenLady

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #18 on: December 27, 2018, 05:43:04 AM »
Hi Samuel S. Sounds like you are taking some good steps to take care of yourself in a really tough situation. I hope the support of friends, the treatment group, and your broader family, as well as this forum, will help counteract the painful and insensitive actions of your wife. Everybody deserve access to necessary medical care and you shouldn't have to apologize for or justify this, ever! I also share the concern about you being with someone who has a "sadistic side" while you are dealing with the possibility of cancer. I hope you will prioritize your own safety and health. You deserve to feel safe, supported, and like you are part of a community committed to your healing. 
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

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Samuel S.

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Re: My PDw and my health situation
« Reply #19 on: December 28, 2018, 02:29:19 AM »
UsedUp, everything you stated is how I feel. Yes, I do love her. I do feel safe in that I know she wonít hit me. Even if she were to try, I would rapidly leave this place. There is financial dependency on her in that so much of my income goes for this place, insurance of all kinds, many bills. Even if I deal with the legal divisions, I would be next to homeless due to having to split things and with me having to pay for my own insurance. To a certain extent, I would feel alone and have to start over. Granted, I am 74. So, it would be difficult. Yet, I am an easy guy to get along with.

While all of the above is true, what is also true is that there is a vicious, sadistic side which is hard to avoid, based on her mood. That compounded with the horrible things she has said in the past which she has forgiven herself for and tries to compensate with providing food is just like her mother.

So, I feel very ambivalent about her.

Now that I really need her as a support due to my medical issues, I think it is rather unlikely she is extremely supportive. BTW, I tried to go to a local acupuncture clinic today, but they were closed. I told her, and she thought I only believed in western medicine. I told I believe in both.

RavenLady, I appreciate what you shared. Due to the insecurity about what my medical status is going to be, I am getting together with as many of my friends and relatives as I can. They all mean a lot o me as I mean a lot to me. God willing, everything will be fine. In the event thereís a turn for the worse, I rather meet with those significant people in my life. I just wish my daughters would be much closer. One is out of state, and the other is in another country. To top it all off, they donít get along well with my PDw.

Bottom line, I am hoping for the best while being realistic about as much as possible.