drama queen/kings? Ever noticed?

[zenagain]

Hey All,

With my ucoverrtNPDw, and after spending time away to help my dad pass through the hospice process, I have been recently noticing something I hadn't in the past 15+ years (mostly in the fog sans the last year or so).   My uPDw is a drama queen.... As soon as she comes in the room-home from work-wakes up... she says something dramatic about the situation, setting, or even directly to me or my DS...  Examples are as follows:

-DS got a bad grade on a test - he is going to fail school and not get into college!
-DS told me he hated me and wanted me gone - he is going to be an axe murderer!
-"Dog peed on the floor - it is going to pee everywhere if it is not walked 5 times a day - you need to make sure DS walks the dog first thing in the am and as soon as he gets home and for at least 20 minutes... he only walked if for 13 minutes this morning... you need to go with DS to be sure  (.... uh yeah, she timed it just to add fact to her dramatic story, because to her, facts mean it is true!)
-etc, etc...

I only noticed this because spending time with my FOO, even in the hardest and most dramatic times of our lives, there was no drama.  There certainly could have been over any little thing that went wrong (hospice process is very fluid and a downward spiral with no real timetable), but we just handled it, talked about it a bit - rationally - may have gotten sad or frustrated - but no drama, chaos, or dark consequences to consider if we didn't do x, y, z or did something else instead..... it was what it was...

Say all this to say, being able to see how drama provoking she was - trying to get reactions going, stirring us all up -  has helped me realize (once again) just how bad my situation is with ucovertNPDw - for me and my DS.    I don't see her interact with her friends or family anymore to see if she does it with them because she has removed me from those interactions.   My tactic for dealing with it is just to ignore it - grey rock, etc.  I do think this has caused her to ramp up the drama - a lot more (because it seemed to not work on me), but I have become really good at ignoring it... uh, well...  until I become frustrated at the amount of drama my DS hears or is subject to - then I can't ignore it and usually say something.   My DS14 also sees this drama - he will often give me eyes when she is relaying a story or making a point - kinda like that eye brow raise of - 'can you believe she is saying this...'.  He's also said stuff to me when she's away.

Have you notice this in your PDSOs?
How do you deal with it?

Any experience - failures or successes - welcomed.

[Crushed_Dad]

Yeah, my lad fell over at the playground the other week. She screamed at me and came over with him in her arms.

He'd fallen over. This happens pretty much any time either kids starts crying. She will shreak and run to what she thinks is their rescue, yo'd have thought they'd been napalmed. I can see my lad over-egging everything as he knows the attention will come if he does.

In this case all I can do is try to play down situations, I've said to her she could possibly calm down but just get told I'm not a mother and wouldn't understand.

[Cascade]

Oh yes, my husband loves drama! I think sometimes he needs it to feel alive. We've been married a long time so I'm very used to it. I am better at staying calm than I used to be but he is still amazingly good at pushing my buttons.

[MRound]

This is absolutely the case in our house, with his whole side of the family. I think it goes along with an inability to recognize that their feelings aren't the truth. My UPPDH gets all wound up in his feelings, makes an outrageous allegation, and then says "why yes, that outrageous allegation must be true—why else would I feel this way?"  I think it is a stunted emotional response—almost like a toddler.

[ICantThinkOfAName]

And the part I love is when my uBPDh says, "I really hate drama!"  Yeah so true, it stems from anxiety and slippery slope thinking. Everything is black and white.

Mine will absolutely wail as if his arm was cut off when he stubs his toe or gets a leg cramp. At first when we were together I would panic and ask if we needed to go to the hospital. It was that outrageous now I do not respond at all. So if in fact he did cut his arm off I might just toss him the band aids.

[notrightinthehead]

Sometimes I think "normal" is just too boring for a PD and us enablers.

[Kaneda8888]

I have noticed that my uNPDw very rarely talks in a normal tone: its either high pitched or shouting.  I simply go silent or very obviously turn away and talk to someone else.  Works well !

[Dukkha]

That kind of thing drives me nuts too.
I have made an effort to take the path of compassion with that behavior and see it as an expression of their anxiety-driven catastrophic thinking, rather than a deliberate manipulation of others.  May or may not be true, but it helps me stay calm when faced with it.

[Samuel S.]

Yep, my PDw truly is a drama queen as well.

The purpose of our PDs being drama queens and kings is to have the world revolve around them and not anybody else, including us nonPDs. If not, they manipulate the conversation that they have it worse, or they will say in so many words that they are superior. It's all about control. They have overinflated egos who don't want the rest of the world to exist.

[not broken]

yes.  all the time.  you aren't imagining it and even though you may only be noticing it now, it has likely been happening for a long time.  you examples have strong similarities to some of my experiences as well with my hWPD.  I let my daughter go to a planned school dance with a friend the evening before she took a test for a private high school.  When  he came home from work and found out where she went, he proceeded to lash into me about the fact that I basically ruined her life, screwed her for the next four years of high school and ruined any chances of her getting in to a good college. Then it continued on with my terrible judgement and decision making,  lack of respect to discuss with him, and finally how I had failed my daughter.  I believe there was a 2-3 day stonewalling period where he didn't speak to me, except on the rare occasion with disgust and then poof- he magically decided he was done being mad and forgave me.   My daughter was fourteen and is currently thriving in the high school that the test was for.   

I am curious based on everyone's responses, whether or not your drama king/queen's actions are also vicious and vengeful?  My experience has been that verbally he goes for the jugular.  His words can stop me in my tracks, almost as if I actually was physically hit and always a personal attack on me, never really about the actual incident. 

[Samuel S.]

Not broken, yes, my PDwhas been vicious. In fact, she enjoys it and laughs at hardships that others are going through. Which is just as shameful, her oldest D at the age of 7 1/2 20 years ago passed from West Nile Virus. Not often, but she even has laughed about it. How could a person laugh about the death of someone?

My PDw hasn't been vengeful as far as I know, but given the correct circumstances, I bet she could be vengeful.

[Kaneda8888]

My uNPDw attempts to be vicious when we argue.  She will deliberately say the most hurtful things possible.  This has happened on a regular basis for years.  Until I realised that she was NPD, it was truly horrible.  Drove me to drink. Literally.  Fortunately I've come through the other side. However, she is not vengeful.  Its as if she has a very short term memory.  Once the rant and silent treatment is over, usually 2-3 days, then its as if nothing has happened.  Learnt to weather that storm.  My friend's ex-wife who I beleive is an uBPD was extremely vengeful when he divorced her.  Malicious and deeply hurtful emails full of hate and rage, ignoring court orders over custody and other matters and manipulated the children. The lawyer fees almost bankrupted the both of them.  He has now remarried and relocated next to the children.