I'm back for help...she died yesterday

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Fiasco

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #20 on: December 24, 2018, 11:11:47 PM »
You ARE worth it 💗

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SaltwareS

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #21 on: December 25, 2018, 12:36:40 AM »
MB, you are in my thoughts for sure.

As for your son's comment, I don't know if this is true for you, but it is for me. I went NC because it felt like they were putting my life in danger. I resumed contact years later but the double-talk had escalated to the point it disrupted my life and the home I was living in.

Maybe years from now your son will understand.

Grief is grief. There are no shortcuts. I am glad you were given the gift of life and you're navigating your path as well as you are. And that you share here. It helps me. But this is your moment. It is not about me. Blessings to you.

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Amadahy

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #22 on: December 25, 2018, 02:16:08 PM »
Peace and love, MB.  :hug:
Ring the bells that still can ring;
Forget your perfect offering.
There's a crack in everything ~~
That's how the Light gets in!

~~ Leonard Cohen

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moglow

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #23 on: December 25, 2018, 02:34:19 PM »
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Grief is grief. There are no shortcuts. I am glad you were given the gift of life and you're navigating your path as well as you are. And that you share here. It helps me.
Very much, yes! Hope you're having a peaceful day.

Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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Leonor

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #24 on: December 25, 2018, 04:41:32 PM »
Hi MB,

My heart ached when I read your thread title.

(((((( if ok )))))))

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JustKathy

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #25 on: December 27, 2018, 08:19:34 PM »
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No one gets it unless they lived it.

Okay, THAT should be on a bumper sticker. Seriously. Truer words were never spoken. I've been to therapists that knew a lot about NPD and still didn't quite believe me or truly "get" what I was going through. Friends, co-workers, neighbors REALLY don't get it ("But she was your MOTHER," is most likely what you'll hear and be guilted with). For me, the only place to find comfort and understanding is in forums like this one.

We are all connected by this. We all get it. We are among friends here.

I'm so grateful to have found this place. Menopause Barbie, I'm so very glad that you're here too.

:bighug:

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Starboard Song

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #26 on: December 28, 2018, 09:37:37 AM »
Same.

I took the time to read back over many of your posts, MB. You have been a source of comfort and help to so many people by sharing your journey and the lessons of it.

Only those who live this did get it. And many of them never find a place to learn or share. You've done that. And you've been really brave and strong.

It sounds like it is time for some self-care. You deserve it. You earned it.
Radical Acceptance, by Brach   |   Self-Compassion, by Neff    |   Mindfulness, by Williams   |   The Book of Joy, by the Dalai Lama and Tutu
Healing From Family Rifts, by Sichel   |  Stop Walking on Egshells, by Mason    |    Emotional Blackmail, by Susan Forward

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blacksheep7

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #27 on: December 29, 2018, 03:20:22 PM »
I'm sorry MB.    Wishing you peace for 2019.

 :bighug
I may be the black sheep of the family, but some of the white sheep are not as white as they try to appear.

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #28 on: December 30, 2018, 12:08:18 PM »
Thank you all again for the support. Here's the latest. Still not telling anyone but the 4 friends I mentioned. I'm too fragile right now, although no one would guess it from my  demeanor. Just putting on the show of normalcy to keep people from asking what's wrong.

I did reach out on Christmas Day to text the FOO via the phone of my brother-in-law who had contacted me about uBPDmom's death. I just said that I was thinking about them and knew it was a hard day. Threw in a heart. No response. [As a side note, Christmas at my house was so crappy I honestly decided to order myself a BIDET on Amazon as an appropriate reward for surviving the day.] Their lack of response was the final final final (How many times have I said this?) signal that  there is no hope of them ever letting me back  in except as scapegoat. No thanks. Nothing online about a funeral. I'm guessing uBPDmom nixed it. After all, funerals are popularity contests and her corpse would be mortified if not enough people showed.

Their Christmas rejection of me had the bright side in that I realized then that I can't do this on my own anymore. I had my first therapy appointment last week. So far, so good. It feels great  to unload on someone without wondering if I'm sounding whiny or talking too much about myself. My focus isn't so much on dealing with my past as it is about identifying the patterns that sabotage my future and giving me the hope of creating my own happiness. Still not seeing it but I guess that's understandable...  :fallingbricks:

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Bloomie

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #29 on: December 30, 2018, 12:16:05 PM »
Quote from: Menopause Barbie
Their Christmas rejection of me had the bright side in that I realized then that I can't do this on my own anymore. I had my first therapy appointment last week. So far, so good. It feels great  to unload on someone without wondering if I'm sounding whiny or talking too much about myself. My focus isn't so much on dealing with my past as it is about identifying the patterns that sabotage my future and giving me the hope of creating my own happiness. Still not seeing it but I guess that's understandable...  :fallingbricks:

:hug: I get the final final final. You are one class act MB to respond with kindness and grace. Thankful you are reaching out to a T at such a time as this. So very hard and no need to go it alone.


"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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moglow

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #30 on: December 30, 2018, 08:18:27 PM »
Hey, I was wondering about you. The final final final is so heartbreaking and yet liberating at the same time. It's kind of like it opens those shutters and can see more clearly, even if they shut a bit again later. They never quite seem to close all the way again, and that's not a bad thing.

I'm glad you found someone to talk to - you very much deserve peace and happiness. Reaching out for it is the first step. We're here with you. :hug:
Nothing exposes our true self more than how we treat each other in the home.  ~ Joseph B. Wirthlin

Stop Stinkin' Thinkin'!

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practical

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #31 on: December 30, 2018, 10:38:44 PM »
Nothing can be as painfully loud and speak more clearly than silence. There is no gas lighting in silence as there are no words, there is no hope in silence either for the same reason. I'm sorry you had to go through this.

Their Christmas rejection of me had the bright side in that I realized then that I can't do this on my own anymore. I had my first therapy appointment last week. So far, so good. It feels great  to unload on someone without wondering if I'm sounding whiny or talking too much about myself. My focus isn't so much on dealing with my past as it is about identifying the patterns that sabotage my future and giving me the hope of creating my own happiness. Still not seeing it but I guess that's understandable...  :fallingbricks:
Finding the patterns so my future would look different than my past is what I started therapy for and it made all the difference. A friend had given me Robin Norwood's "Women who love too much" after a break up with another narcissistic BF, and it opened my eyes that while BF might have been the ultimate problem, I was the reason I was on that carousel. Therapy helped me to step off and find a path instead of going in circles. Wishing you all the best for your therapy and the new year.
:bighug:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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Mary

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #32 on: December 30, 2018, 11:49:38 PM »
I'm so sorry for your loss. Time will help. Even in normal circumstances, the grief will make you feel crazy--ie some days you want to talk and other days a mere bump will put you into tears. Even in normal circumstances, you relive the tough days, focus on misgivings, and replay the "tapes" in the middle of the night. So I would expect no less in your circumstance.

You have clearly shielded your son from alot, and he does not understand that. It's frustrating to continue to shield our children by not dumping the awful truth on them, and then receive their blame/judgment. Although you will not ultimately share everything with DS, you may be able to drop a comment or bit of info here or there that will make  him think and appreciate your stance. I would suggest praying and then watch for the right time/opportunity to do this.

Peace,
Mary
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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Sophie48

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #33 on: December 31, 2018, 04:27:58 PM »
Im so sorry for all you have been through, and now this. Truthfully, because I expect to eventually go through something similar, and it scares me, Ive avoided this post.   

Thank you for your hope and compassion. You are amazing :)

Wishing you the best for the new year.

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Menopause Barbie

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #34 on: December 31, 2018, 04:36:29 PM »
LOL my uBPDmom Memorial Bidet got here today!

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practical

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #35 on: December 31, 2018, 04:51:10 PM »
LOL my uBPDmom Memorial Bidet got here today!
You are on your way to healing, you have the necessary sense of humor  :ninja:
If Im not towards myself, who is towards myself? And when Im only towards myself, what am I? And if not now, when? (Rabbi Hillel)

"I can forgive, but I cannot afford to forget." (Moglow)

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looloo

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #36 on: December 31, 2018, 05:11:01 PM »
LOL my uBPDmom Memorial Bidet got here today!

2019 is already looking up!!   ;D
If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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xredshoesx

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #37 on: December 31, 2018, 06:15:21 PM »
MB i'm glad to hear you're doing things to honor and take care of yourself <3

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JustKathy

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #38 on: January 02, 2019, 05:36:00 PM »
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You are on your way to healing, you have the necessary sense of humor

Menopause Barbie, I also notice the humor in your comments and see it as a very positive thing. After my Nmother passed my therapist suggested I started writing/journaling about my experiences. After a while I started to notice that I was injecting humor into my writing. As much as all of this hurts, I think finding some humor in the situation really is a necessary step towards healing and moving forward.

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I'm guessing uBPDmom nixed it. After all, funerals are popularity contests and her corpse would be mortified if not enough people showed.
:yeahthat:

I think you nailed that one, MB. When my NM was healthy she often spoke about lavish funerals and I'm sure she pictured one for herself. When she finally passed, I was told that she had asked for cremation and to have enFather scatter the ashes at sea. My guess is that she had become so isolated near the end she knew no one would show up to pay tribute to her perceived greatness. I can't tell you how relieved I was to learn there would be no funeral. It spared me the discomfort of being a no-show.

It's great to hear you've started therapy. I think you'll find that helps a lot as you start your journey toward healing.

Do enjoy that "Memorial Bidet!"  ;D

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SunnyMeadow

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Re: I'm back for help...she died yesterday
« Reply #39 on: January 05, 2019, 01:09:55 PM »
Thinking of you Menopause Barbie. I can only imagine the complex emotions you must be feeling.

And the memorial bidet.... ;D