Can we come back from this? (Trigger warning:Rape)

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SearchingForAnswers

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Can we come back from this? (Trigger warning:Rape)
« on: July 28, 2019, 02:50:39 PM »
I posted a bit ago to see if anyone was happy that they stayed with their PD person.. Now I'm more ready to share my story and get some advice.

4 months ago I started taking a sleep medicine that puts me out very heavily. 3 months ago I realized that my husband was raping me in my sleep. When I confronted him, he lied to me and tried to convince me I was crazy. It took a whole night of talking for him to admit it and a week or two to get the whole story. It's taken therapy for me to be able to be strong enough to call it rape.

These actions didn't make since for the man I'd known for 7 years, married for 2. Sure, he'd lied and was difficult at times, but this? I couldn't believe he was capable of it.

We immediately stopped sharing a room. I eventually got into therapy and he has to. We've both learned he's likely ASPD or at least has tendencies. It took him a long time to realize it was wrong and he still hasn't completely figured out how to feel guilty about it. It took him a long time to realize how deeply I'm affected by this.

He knows if he'd stopped and thought before he acted, he would've known it was wrong and wouldn't have done it. We have now separated in hopes of working on ourselves.

I do feel like he is trying to work on himself, though he often still defaults to lie or hide things or gaslights or sneaks around, he still will never process emotions like me.

As for me, I don't know if I can ever get past this. How can I forgive him for doing that to me? How can I ever trust him again? How can we ever have sex again, how does someone chose sex with their rapist?

I think if I can get past it by some miracle of God and he truly works on himself, we could save our marriage. Am I fooling myself?

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GentleSoul

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Re: Can we come back from this? (Trigger warning:Rape)
« Reply #1 on: July 28, 2019, 03:50:53 PM »
I am so very sorry to hear what has happened. 

I have no answers to your questions but very much wanted to send empathy and supportive thoughts your way.

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D.Dan

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Re: Can we come back from this? (Trigger warning:Rape)
« Reply #2 on: July 28, 2019, 04:50:16 PM »
 Sadly, I kinda know where you're coming from but I don't think I can give any of the answers you're seeking.

Once while we dated and a few times during our first year of marriage while I was pregnant, I woke up fighting off my uPDexh while he was raping me. I didn't know that it was rape, just that it was weird and I didn't like it. He didn't regret it. He told me how he wanted to wake up to a blow job so he figured I wanted that too. And then told me to stop fighting him when he did this.

 I think that's why he stopped because I couldn't stop protecting myself in my sleep.

During our last year together before I fled to a shelter with our kids, he told me how if he wanted to have sex, it won't matter if I'm awake or not, he'll get it!

In my case, I didn't know it was rape until 3 years after the fact, once it stopped. I had carried on as if it didn't happen because I wanted to be a good wife and tried to think the best of him. I loved him.

If I could go back in time to that woman, who was a new wife and soon to be mother. That woman who was so very confused about what her husband did to her body, against her will. That woman who was so very confused about how to move forward, and didn't know what the right answer was.

1) it was rape, it was wrong and it was disrespectful towards you and your body

2) listen to your feelings, if you're not ready yet don't force yourself

3) don't worry about having sex in the future, heal from this trauma first

4) if you decide to never have sex again, that's okay because it's your body and that's your decision to make

5) your husband does not get to decide when you are recovered from this trauma

6) there is a reason why this feels weird. Your partner, whom you loved, trusted and thought you were safe with and believed was a good man, did something very bad to you without regret or remorse. This is not a little thing to get over, this is a HUGE breach of trust.

7) You were sleeping, you were vulnerable, you couldn't say yes or no, you had no say on what was happening to your body and that is what makes it rape.

8) you were raped by your husband and that is Not okay!

9) it's okay to cry


These are the things I would've told myself back then. I'm sorry I don't have any answers but I hope you stay safe and continue focusing on your healing. Take care of yourself.  :hug:

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PeanutButter

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Re: Can we come back from this? (Trigger warning:Rape)
« Reply #3 on: July 29, 2019, 06:01:48 PM »
SearchingForAnswers I am so sorry you are dealing with this terrible act of betrayal and harm from the man you loved.
You are not alone though. I too was raped repeatedly by my unpdex while sleeping. I was not on sleep medication, although sometimes I was under the influence of alcohol. I would wake up to him at different 'stages' of the 'act'. The first time it was the most terrifying. He pretended that he had just woke up also when I asked him what he was doing he said 'nothing he had been asleep what was i doing' even though he was on top of me. The next few times I did try to fight him off unsuccessfully. At some point I gave up and just pretended it wasnt happening. It was definately reflective of his attitude that he owned my body.
I stayed with him for 13 years. My thinking was so skewed that I didnt even call it rape untill years later. In fact my new husband's respect, concern, and care for me in this part of our relationship made me rethink everything and only then could I see how absolutely selfish, disrespectful, & disgustingly perverted my ex's behavior was. I was devastated that I had allowed myself to be treated that way. But I love myself now.
I commend you for immediately setting boundaries to protect yourself. You are strong. If from a place of self compassion and love you feel that you love him and want to be with him because with healing he is starting to show empathy and remorse then IMO I think anything is possible. But if FearObligationGuilt are an influence in you wanting to be with him then IME you wont be able to get past it. I think your gut (intuition) will have the best answer for you. Take care.
If there is a hidden seed of evil inside of children adults planted it there -LundyBancroft  Self-awareness is the ability to take an honest look at your life without any attachment to it being right or wrong good or bad -DebbieFord The greatest of faults is to be conscious of none -Thomas Carlyle