Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23

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Mary

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Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« on: December 23, 2018, 12:10:31 AM »
uNPDh overheard me sharing with a friend over the phone about some of my frustrations. Whereas DH usually encounters me in the no-JADE mode, in listening in, he heard my true, unguarded feelings and opinions on things. Needless to say, the silent treatment kicked in pretty hard, followed by threats, demands, and circular conversations which I respond to by not JADEing. He is pushing so hard against my boundaries.

In the middle of all of this turmoil, I have found a ton of comfort in Psalm 23. I just keep reading it, and hanging on the words, "thou art with me".  I picture God's hand on my shoulder, and that He is with me in the sordid attacks. It is really making this time so much more bearable.

Mary

Psalm 23

23 The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

2 He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.

3 He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

4 Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.

5 Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.

6 Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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Julian R

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2019, 08:34:28 AM »
Hello Mary

I really hope that things improved for you and that you were able to enjoy the holiday period.  I have not had to endure the silent treatment for some time now but I know it can be really tough and painful - and can be even more so if you have to go to church with husband or wife and they expect you to act normal as if nothing is wrong.  I too have found that not JADEing has seen an improvement in life over recent months - but then when I slip up and react a bit it provokes the same old disproportionate escalation and i realise the underlying problem have not really gone away.

So glad you can find strength and comfort in the scriptures - yes Psalm 23 is such a source of nourishment and strength.

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Bloomie

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #2 on: January 07, 2019, 12:44:10 PM »
Just seeing this Mary and wanted to weigh in and say I too have found such comfort from this passage. You are not alone, yet living in hostile, active silence because we have spoken our truth is terribly hard. I am so sorry you have been enduring this. How are you doing now?
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Mary

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #3 on: January 13, 2019, 04:04:08 AM »
Thanks both for checking in. Is been a really rough patch. I'm really conflicted over when to speak up, and when to hide behind not jading.
He takes my no jade as acquiescence. But if I correct his thinking, I'm back in a world of hurt -- vindictive threats etc. He just will not take no for an answer on my boundary, and does not seem to remember when I have tried to clarify my stance. Am I enabling by hiding behind not jading and letting him think what he wants to think? It's buying an uneasy peace for the time being. Still holding on to psalm 23 and thankful I'm not alone.
Mary
For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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Julian R

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2019, 06:46:55 AM »

He takes my no jade as acquiescence. But if I correct his thinking, I'm back in a world of hurt --

Hello Mary

Sorry to hear you have been going through a rough patch ...

Not sure this will help but I do agree that I feel the same unease about not JADEing - I have seen it lead to the same conclusions - if on any matter I do not express disagreement with my uPDw then she will assume that I agree with what she is saying and then later if she discovers that was not the case she will get very unpleasant, so yes, I agree that non JADEing can appear as aquiescence as you say.  Not sure what the solution is, maybe ine of us should start a thread to try to find answers.  All i can say is that non JADEing may be the path of lesser "evil" - I don't like using the word "evil" here but that's just idiom, let just say it might be a far from ideal way of behaving but it does tend to reduce conflict and protect from even worse hurt.

I had a bad evening last night, also for forgetting and saying something stupid.  My uPDw had been complaining at length about her parents but what was amazing, almost surreal, that the way she described them was exactly as I would describe the behaviours of my wife - although I will admit with her the intensity is turned down somewhat compared to my in-laws, but anyway the resemblances were so present.  The complaining had been going on sometime and I was getting worn down by it all and I stupidly told her that she resembled her parents - well that didn't go down well and she asked for an example so i was again unwise enough to give one - well that sadly just triggered her anger and insults and guilt trips etc.  I am feeling a bit emotionally bruised but it just reinforces the fact that we can't let down our guard and that non jADEing while I don't like doing that in a relationship, does seem a way of managing it, albeit less than ideal.

God bless

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Bloomie

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2019, 01:32:16 PM »
Quote from: Mary
I'm really conflicted over when to speak up, and when to hide behind not jading.

There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. The thinking behind not justifying, arguing, defending, or explaining is to avoid circular, unproductive conversations and potentially hours of conflict and drama. It is not a strategy to avoid hard conversations about important issues that need resolution in your marriage or meant to silence our voice in my understanding of the technique.

There is a time to speak as well.

If a neutral statement of a difference of opinion brings "a world of hurt" then the next step is firm boundaries with consequences as we remove ourselves from harms way. Every single time.

In your situation Mary, you were sharing your truth with a trusted friend and your H was listening to a conversation he had not been invited into. That was a huge boundary violation on HIS part. He now is responsible to work through his own feelings after having heard things that upset him when he was not respecting your privacy.

I would also gently challenge that we can correct another's thinking. We can clarify where we stand and when we have been misunderstood, but a person is going to think what they think and we are not responsible to try and change their minds, only to be clear in our communication with them.

Your H is responsible to listen and engage in discussions respectfully and in a way that honors you both and where you both are heard and considered equally. 

I am not sure if I have suggested this to you, but the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend would be a great support to you I am thinking.
« Last Edit: January 14, 2019, 01:33:49 PM by Bloomie »
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸

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Mary

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #6 on: January 25, 2019, 01:30:59 AM »
Thanks again, both for your understanding. Better luck next time Julian R!  I've checked out the book and know that I have been enabling on so many things. I look back over the years and cringe at some of my decisions in the name of submission that harmed relationships (ie especially with my parents, son, even my marriage I think) and helped no one.

I do have some awesome news to report. H had been demanding that I take on a job I'm way overqualified for. I agreed that a little more income wouldn't hurt, but his solution would have caused major family upheaval and was a bad plan resume wise. I just kept not jading, knowing that sooner or later he would catch on to my boundary. But what happened instead was, out of the blue, I learned of an upscale private school needing a part time teacher. They were desperate and willing to pay my going rate for one class, which was all I needed and wanted. It just came from the hand of God, and I'm so thankful. H has backed off considerably for now, and it is a blessed reprieve.
Mary

For thy Maker is thine husband; the LORD of hosts is his name; and thy Redeemer the Holy One of Israel; The God of the whole earth shall he be called. (Isaiah 54:5)

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Bloomie

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Re: Silent Treatment for Christmas, and Psalm 23
« Reply #7 on: January 25, 2019, 12:57:50 PM »
Mary that is a wonderful update. So thankful this opportunity opened up.
"If you focus on the hurt, you will continue to suffer. If you focus on the lesson, you will continue to grow." Dr. Caroline Leaf

Bloomie 🌸