Spinning my Wheels

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cloudydays

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Spinning my Wheels
« on: December 23, 2018, 11:40:03 PM »
Hello ...

I have been in a relationship with an npd for a few years now.  I won't go into a lot of detail, as those of you who know npd, know what I'm talking about.  Took me a few years of much research, reading and counselling to even figure out what was going on.  He exhibits every quality you could imagine when it comes to npd.  I don't have a lot of confidence, so I would always second guess myself.  What I was experiencing was so foreign to me.  Though, in the first couple years my instincts were working better, and I did have him leave a few times.  But, I was uneducated on what I was dealing with and he'd always make his way back.  I have also found a year and a half ago, from his mother, that he is bi-polar.  Something he never shared with me.  She broached the subject with him privately and he said he has no need for medication and it is under control.  After a three hour car ride with him, when he disagreed with something that his mom said ... she looked visibly frazzled when I saw her get out of the vehicle.  She gripped my arm tight and whispered in my ear 'I don't know how you do it.'.  He has lost jobs due to his bad attitude/confrontational ways and was once made to attend anger management classes.   

I have planned on a couple of occasions the past two years to end this relationship.  Unfortunate family and job related events made this hard for me to do. 

I am now preparing to do that in the new year.  I have reached out to some sources for support and shared with some friends and family what is going on.  Something I had always kept to myself. 

There is something I am struggling with, greatly.  'How' to get him out.  Not so much the legalities.  I've looked into all that.  But, how to actually do it.  I'm so worried about his reaction.  I don't trust him.  If I give him time to get things in order, I don't feel comfortable leaving him in my home while I go to work.  I have my home and he has his home, which he rents to a friend.  But, he has a couple pieces of furniture in my house and a bunch of stuff he's bought in his various binge buying fests over the years. 

Also, should I just say I need to separate with him for a while... just to get him out the door.  If he thinks there might be hope in the future, maybe he won't react as badly.  Just the thought of him out of my home, I can't put to words the relief.  It's so bad, I am such a shadow of my former self.  Even to get him out that door, get some distance ... gain some strength, then the next step and eventually no contact. 

I detest having to plan and think like this, but as you all know ... it's something we just have to do with these people.

I am seriously spinning my wheels on 'how to do this'.  I have to make this happen, somehow.  I worry for my health and the long term effects of this horrid stress for so long.   

Any thoughts, help, ideas, discussion is greatly appreciated.  And, thanks so much for taking the time to read this. 


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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #1 on: December 24, 2018, 02:18:47 PM »
Welcome to OOTF, Cloudy days. You are certainly not alone here, especially in trying to separate from a PD living in your home. It’s a difficult position to be in.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like you are afraid of your partner — for your safety and that of your home. That you are afraid to leave him in your home alone says a lot. In my experience, listening to your gut is important, as is erring on the side of safety.

I’m glad to hear that you are sharing your concerns with friends and family. In my experience with my NPD exhusband, he gradually isolated me from friends and family over many years. But when I began telling them my concerns, they  jumped in to help me and validated my concerns and fears. It was a revelation. I had no idea how cutt off from everyone I had become.

In terms of logistics, I’d recommend taking sometime to put a firm plan in place before you do anything. I’d recommend that you be firm that that you are ending the relationship, if that’s what you feel in your heart. If you are afraid of your safety and his reactions, it might be a good idea to have allies present or nearby when tell him you want him out — and a locksmith, who will immediately change the locks. Installing exterior cameras are used by many people here, and can give a big peace of mind. You can give your partner a timeline for getting his stuff — also with allies present. Sometimes your local police will send over an officer, if you let them know the situation. You can also hire a security officer for a few hundred dollars, something I did when I was moving out of the family home. Worth every penny.

Be safe — then do more to be even safer. When leaving my NPD, volatile exhusband, I had a tendency to want to believe he wouldn’t be “that bad”. My friends and family kept pushing me to be more careful. I’m really glad they did.

Hang in there. Wishing you the best and strength.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #2 on: December 29, 2018, 09:14:18 AM »
Thank you openskyblue very much for taking the time and consideration to reply ... and for the welcome. 

You are exactly right, it's like I keep telling myself he can't be 'that bad', yet my instincts have me fearful of the things I've mentioned in my post here.  My counselor is leaning towards me telling him, with another person present, and giving him enough time to pack the basics and then he is to leave.  A very good friend is also telling me I don't owe him anything, at most give him a day or two then out.  I'm fearful of his anger at such short notice.  I just don't know what to do.  Thanks so much for sharing your experience.  It helps a lot.  I have a lot to think about in the time I have till I do this.

I have a lot on my plate between now and the time I'm planning on doing this.  One being a very heavy course load because of a class my employment is making us all take.  It has been horrid.  So much extra work to do and no support from him, only stress ... he got mad at me for getting a good mark, said I'm devoting too much time to the course (not attention towards him) ... it was horrible.  I'm sitting at the kitchen table trying to do homework, my house is in chaos as he's not helping at all, I'm being yelled at for devoting time to my class and I'm in tears.  Once my final exam is done, I'm doing this ... too much for too long.  It's been years in the making, but I am finally ready. 

It's so hard right now, as I'm trying to keep the environment at home as good as I can, to help myself get this course done.  I am under a time deadline.  Amidst the usual daily emotional abuse I deal with, he is home full time (holidays) till after new years and yesterday he crossed a line I don't even want to talk about.  He's done it before when I've seriously tried to set a firm boundary.  My world never stops getting rocked.  I guess my best coping mechanism, is just grey rock till I can write my final exam and deal with this.  I gotta say ... what he did yesterday ... I can barely look at him now, he just sickens me.  Somehow I have to get through the next few weeks, get my class done and get him out.

I am wondering ... is there a way to be alerted of replies here, to posts I've made or posts I've left replies to?

Thank you again, so much, for your help.   


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looloo

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #3 on: December 29, 2018, 11:53:16 AM »
If you’re in the states, you might want to call the National Domestic Violence hotline at 18007997233, and see if there are movers in your area trained for possible domestic violence situations.  Where I live, there is a company that offers these services for free.  If a bunch of beefy, no nonsense movers could be there to get his things out, that would be a great help.
At any rate, it couldn’t hurt to call the hotline and see if they have any advice.  We don’t always think our situations rise to the level of abuse or violence, but you’re afraid right now, and that is all the reason you need.
“If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you.”  Oscar Wilde.

"My actions are my true belongings. I cannot escape the consequences of my actions. My actions are the ground upon which I stand."  Thich Nhat Hanh

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #4 on: January 02, 2019, 01:07:37 PM »
Thank you looloo ... you make a very good point regarding me feeling anxiety, apprehensiveness and a bit of down right fear.  I need to listen to my instincts.  I don't want to make him mad, but there's not any way that he won't be mad ... and I don't want to give him too much time to get his things together, because he can't be trusted ... and he will taunt, manipulate and play games with me with whatever time he's got.  And, I don't feel comfortable even going to bed in another room with him in this house after I tell him, till he's gone.  Let alone leaving him in my home while I go to work. 

I have to find a balance between giving him enough time to gather what he can, call a friend and get him and his stuff to his friends.  He can stay there till he gets his renter out of his own house, then arrangements can be made at a later date for him to get the bulk of his other stuff.  That's what my counselor suggests.  She says a couple hours, that's it.  I just feel that giving him so little time might set him off even worse. 

The warning signs are there, he should see this coming ... but he's diagnosed bipolar with every trait of npd you can imagine.

Appreciate this discussion with everyone.  It helps me sort things out a lot. 

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2019, 01:49:43 PM »
I'd like to offer an observation in a spirit of support and having been in the place you are in myself:

Reading through your last post, you wrote far more about the ramifications to and comfort considerations of your stbx, rather than your needs. I point this out not to be critical, but to flag this for you as something you might want to be more aware of as you move forward. It's common for non-PD partners to get into the habit of putting the needs of their PD partner first -- as an attempt to protect ourselves from a angry blow up or stave off conflict or abuse. After a time, putting the PDs needs first then becomes a habit -- and one that is detrimental to us, the person suffering from the PD abuse. I know this was something that was hard to for me to face when I was leaving my NPD (also bipolar) exhusband.

I'd strongly recommend that when you find yourself thinking about, ruminating over how the logistics of this separation will go for your ex that you immediately ask yourself what YOU need. What do I need to feel safe? What do I want to happen to feel that my home is secure and he can't get back in? It's okay (and in this case, essential) that you put yourself and your needs first. If you are already worried about sleeping in your house after you tell your stbx that he must move out, then you really cannot do too much to make sure you are safe. You already know that your stbx is dangerous.

Your stbx is an adult and can find a place to stay for a few nights, a week, etc. It is a dramatic thing, but people have handed their partner an packed overnight bag and shown them the door (locks changed). If you are scared for your safety, it's dangerous to second guess yourself or go half measures.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2019, 02:19:08 PM »
openskyblue ... thank you ever so much. 

After some thoughtful contemplation of what you said, I went back and reread what I wrote.  I hadn't seen it.  Talk about lifting the blinders off.  A repetitive pattern, that has made things go from bad to worse for me in this situation over the years.  A chapter I will not open at this time, but I was schooled from a very early age to understand that I did not really count.  The good side of my parental upbringing could not outweigh the bad side, try as best he did, bless his heart.  When I fell into the relationship with this man, there was a sick kind of comfort in the toxicity of it.  It has quite seriously been monumental to even get to where I am today ... as I know is the case for so many people who find their ways to this forum.   

I am so glad you pointed this out.  We talk about it.  We read and are told that we put ourselves second, and that it needs to change.  But, do we really see it?  You've added to my confidence here today.  And, I dearly thank you for that.  " my NPD (also bipolar) exhusband ", you said ... that is the same situation I am dealing with, though bf. 


Happenchance, I had just got off the phone with a supportive friend who I have reached out to regarding this upcoming time of telling this man he has to leave.  And, as I sat down at the computer here, in my mind I was thinking ... 'where will he go, well he could go there, he could go there, I hope he doesn't get too mad, I wonder if I give him the weekend if I can stay awake all night, how will I help myself to stay awake' ...  to say this man has been utterly horrid to me over the years would be a grave understatement, but yet ... my mind always reverts to the thoughts I've just shared.  Sad, sad for all of us who have had to experience this.  'But' ... I so appreciate this blinder you've lifted for me today.  It has made a difference. 

Over the next few days I am going to try and make a concerted effort to think about 'ME' ... my needs regarding this whole process, and listen to that inner voice that speaks to me through my instincts and not from old patterns created by toxicity. 
« Last Edit: January 08, 2019, 02:30:07 PM by cloudydays »

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2019, 03:37:44 PM »
 :yeahthat:

Hats off to you for committing yourself to this very important work. It's hard!  But it's also essential. I was raised to be a caretaker, to never ask for help (because that was seen as a weakness). That was the perfect upbringing, it seems, for an NPD looking for a spouse/caretaker.

Another suggestion that helped me (and still does) -- journaling. Writing down what you want, what you don't want is enormously helpful. Living with a PD person can be incredibly confusing and destabilizing. There's something about the act of writing in a journal that helped me get centered and gave me a place to plan.
And because my ex was a skilled gaslighter, journaling also gave me a historical record of things he said and did so I could check back against whatever story he was saying at the time. Of course, that journal I very carefully hid away in the house.

Hang in there!  You are doing great. I know this is a scary and painful time, but you'll get through it -- on your terms.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #8 on: January 09, 2019, 01:35:58 AM »
Aww such a cute emoticon.  Thank you so much, openskyblue. 

Yes, the caretaker.  I know that role well.  I sometimes consider my house a 'hotel' to him.  It's got so bad now, he doesn't even set his own alarm.  It is just 'done', on my phone by me.  And, I get up three hours before my alarm to shut his wake up time off and re-set it for 15 minutes if he needs it.  Ye know what it's like when your cup is so full, you just do stuff ... cause the thought of having to fight one more battle for yourself is just too much.  Oh, I could go on ...   It's truly horrible how they take advantage of good people.  Little bit, by little bit. 

Journaling ... yes!  I haven't tried it in the way you suggest.  But, it is, what I believe, to be one of the major tipping blocks that got me to see the light.  I was so deep in the fog, I couldn't see ... looking back on my journals told me 'no, you're right ... it was that bad, he did do that'.

My Mother was a very unhappy person.  My Dad the giver, always a smile on his face, tried so hard.  They've both passed.  She had some kind of PD, what, I don't know ... there was no information about this kind of stuff back then ... and 'counselling' was not seen like it is today.  Needless to say, none of us could make her happy.  She provided for our needs, but was emotionally vacant ... and manipulative.  When I was about 6, we were packing things to go to my grandparents ( my Dad's, Mom and Dad ... this Grandma was so happy, loving and caring ... I just adored her, it felt so good to be with her)  I remember the room, I remember the stuff we were packing, I remember the horrid feeling ... when Mom told me that my Grandmother didn't love me as much as the other grandchildren, and I might as well get used to it.  My brother and I gave and gave and gave to her, and we'd excuse everything with 'oh that's just mom'.  Especially since our Dad passed years before her, and we felt bad.  Anyways ... I'm being a chatter box here.  But, that childhood is why I am here in this situation today. 

I am scared openskyblue ... you're so right.  Still in the process of getting all my ducks in a row ... won't be too much longer now though.  It's so hard for me to stand my ground now ... and I have to find that strength.   

Hope you have a wonderful evening ... and thank you again, so very much.  🌷

 

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #9 on: January 09, 2019, 11:59:45 AM »
What a horrible thing your mother did when she told you your beloved grandmother loved you less than the other grandkids. I'm so sorry!  That is another tactic of PDs -- triangulation. It's a powerful way for PDs to control people, especially people who trust them. My ex husband (and many, many PDs described here) was a pro at this. He'd tell sheer and damning lies to various people about the person he wanted to scapegoat or who he was threatened by and would spend hours on the phone repeating these over and over, until the scapegoat person was pushed out of whatever social/work group my ex wanted to control. I'm betting your grandmother loved you very much -- and your mother couldn't stand that, hence the triangulation.

I know you are afraid, but you are really doing great. This "extraction" phase is scary and exhausting -- especially because you have to spend a lot of energy covering your tracks. During the last months with my ex, I became so MC that even people at work commented on how "zen" I was. Of course, I felt like a racetrack full of terrified horses was going on inside of me most of the time! 

Hang in there!   :bighug:
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #10 on: January 14, 2019, 02:11:57 AM »
Oh my goodness, openskyblue, but you so nailed it ... 'scary and exhausting'.  I feel like I'm taking on another persona, with all this planning and preparing and trying to deal with this npdbpbf in the meantime, not to mention that college course my work is making me take.  But, alas ... the final exam is done, and one more assignment to hand in ... and this huge stressor is gone.  Then watch out! 

I've had so much on my plate these last 4 months.  It was like in the past few years, there'd be various incidents on a weekly if not daily basis with him ... but, these past 4 months ... oh my, never so consistent and just bad.  So much on my plate with a new job and this college course, and not ONE bit of help ... just the same old crap from him.  No, let me rephrase ... 'more' crap from him.  He actually got mad at me once for doing my homework and blamed my good grades as a fault, because I spend too much time on my school work.

Wow, openskyblue ... your ex sounds absolutely vicious.  After you left him, did the relief you felt just set in and build and build?  It must have felt almost surreal at times. 

Thank you so very much for your support, I feel so grateful to have someone like you and others here at this site to talk to. 

I am doing pretty good MC, but I sometimes falter ... I think it's just the stress of all this planning, and finishing up my course at the same time.  Out of the blue he'll push the button that is the epitome of just being a bxstard, and I will snap just a little bit.  The word 'fxck' seems to have entered my repertoire of word choice lately, and only for him, and only at those worst of times.  It doesn't last long, it doesn't get repeated and I'm calm when I do it ... but telling him to 'fxck off' seems to be a small outlet for my overflowed cup.   :blush:

You did amazing to be able to keep that MC going, wow.  I wish I could do better ... I am needing to find balance between my thoughts of 'oh my gosh, this is so obvious, what a jerk' ... to 'stay calm and keep your cool'. 

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #11 on: January 14, 2019, 12:53:04 PM »
To be handling your job, finishing up a challenging course, and leaving your PD boyfriend — it sounds like you are an incredibly strong person!

To answer your question: Yes, it was an enormous relief to leave (and go NC with) my ex. I’m still in the process of healing from the physical damage the stress did to me. It’s just not good for the body to live with panic attacks and fight-flight hormones zooming around in it for years.

In terms of MC, I’d recommend spending time reviewing it in the Toolbox or asking folks here for how they used it. MC can be  a godsend. It might feel good in the moment to pop off at your BF, but the effects of that anger reverses and takes it toll on you over the long term.

My favorite MC method was to imagine myself in a clear and (invisible to my ex)  protective bubble. My exhusband could be raging and saying horrible things to me, but the bubble held all that poison completely away from me. From inside the bubble, alll my responses to him were bland and did not invite a response. “Hmmmm” and “well” and “that sounds hard” went on tape loop. I responded just enough to give him a sense of getting my attention, even though I wasn’t. It was a revelation when I realized that he wasn’t noticing that I was giving him non-response responses — and probably hadn’t really been listening to me for, well, years. And if I felt a circular argument coming on or felt afraid for my physical safety, I left the room or our home — with no announcement that I was doing so. I just walked out.

Hang in there — and good luck with all your next steps. Congratulations on finishing your course!

Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #12 on: January 14, 2019, 01:34:26 PM »
Thank you, openskyblue ... you are such a beautiful person. 🌷

I'm so happy for you, that you've found that peace ... and now healing.  It is a process though.  I woke up to instant stress from him, right out of bed, this morning ... I didn't handle it well, initially, but I got myself calmed down very quickly.  That's a big improvement.  I sat down at the computer here and took a moment and felt that stress in my body still, and took some deep breaths to calm.  You're so right about the effects on the body. Thank you for this important reminder. 

I will look into the MC more.  Thanks for mentioning the toolbox.  My T has mentioned things like, trying to remember he is in a state of sickness, like a disease that can't be helped.  I'm having trouble using this, because my empathy tank is empty for him ... a faint glimmer from time to time, but that's it.  I like the idea of that bubble. 
Right now though, he is on the co-vert, so to speak, angle ... not in my face, just doing everything he can to be disrespectful, irresponsible and downright gross in the matters of my home.  It's never been this bad consistently.  Like what happened this morning.  I have got really good at MC when he's in my face, angry and ugly.  But, when he's making the physical environment of my home disgusting, I mean it has got really bad this last month ... I know time is ticking down on all this crap, but it's hard. 
I guess just know that it's ending soon, stay in my safe bubble, clean up after him to make a nicer place for me ... and count the days.  Take deep breaths and count the days. 

You're just awesome, openskyblue ... I am so grateful for the time and consideration you've taken in helping me ... thank you again.   :bighug:

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #13 on: January 14, 2019, 02:03:09 PM »
My T has mentioned things like, trying to remember he is in a state of sickness, like a disease that can't be helped.  I'm having trouble using this, because my empathy tank is empty for him ... a faint glimmer from time to time, but that's it. 

Not to get all spiritual on you here, but you only have this one life. Your first responsibility is to yourself and to use that life you've been given to its very best. 

So sure, your BF may be ill, but his behavior is causing you harm -- regardless of how much or little empathy you can muster for him.  Your T is not living with your BF every day, you are. Empathy and compassion are important, but not at the expense of self-preservation from real, present harm.
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #14 on: January 15, 2019, 12:15:51 PM »
After reading so much on npd the last many years myself, I know even my T is knowledgeable, and has got more knowledgeable I think, thanks to my circumstances and sharings ... but even she still falters, like in moments like that.  She truly is a big proponent of putting myself first, and like you ... has caught me in things I've said, and pointed out ... YOU need to put yourself first. 

I appreciate very much you mentioning this, it can not be stated enough.  It is a huge weakness some pds use against us.  And, like learning to ride a bicycle ... I'm going to keep working at it.  I maybe shouldn't call it a weakness, it's a caring quality ... but in the wrong hands, 'can' be used against us.

One assignment to finish, which he is not making easy for me to find time to do, work, taking care of myself and my home, and getting the last of my ducks in a row.  So close.  Yesterday when I got home from work, he had miraculously done a couple house chores, which had to get pointed out as soon as I walked in the door.  Totally out of character for him to have done it.  Then, out of the blue, within the half hour of being home, he's questioning me on a little part time job I picked up last summer (which I'm still doing off and on) to help ends meet ... he says along the lines of 'so, that job with xxxx you got, that sure helps hey?'.  I just responded yeah, it's ok I guess .... helps a bit.  Remember this guy never shows ANY interest in my life.  The topic was then dropped. The new me sees this as ... he's putting the pieces together and seeing that I don't financially need him. 

He got really sick a couple days ago.  Normally I would have gone and got him medicine for his cold.  I stayed MC when he said he could sure use some medicine, but that he felt too sick to go get it.  I just replied, along the lines of ... yeah, I know what that's like.  Total MC.  All the while in my head I'm reminded of the times I was sick in bed and he wouldn't help me, nor go get me medicine (even though I did for him many times) ... and the time I caught a horrid flu virus inducing an asthma attack and he got mad and called me a drama queen.  Yeah. 
But, I was proud I stayed MC through his little 'hook' to get me to feel sorry for him... even though it was going against every empathetic energy in my body, I knew this guy didn't deserve it.   

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openskyblue

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #15 on: January 15, 2019, 04:46:20 PM »
Hey, bravo on the MC in the face of your ill NPD boyfriend complaints!  That must have been hard.

Reading your description of your past history with him was just like reading something from one of my own journals. My ex was notoriously needy if he had so much as a scratch, but I could be in the hospital or needing his help to get to urgent care, and he was resentful and of little help.

Recently, I had a health scare and had to call the EMT to come get me and take me to the emergency room. I marveled at how all I had to do was dial 911, and these nice, helpful people showed up to take care of me. Amazing!
Even a blind man can tell you when he is standing in the sun.  (Percy Sledge)

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #16 on: January 15, 2019, 06:04:52 PM »
openskyblue ...  I'm so sorry to hear you had a health scare ... I hope you are feeling better.  🌷  Sending you lots of good wishes for a quick and healthful recovery, you deserve it!

You are SO right about how odd it feels when we get helped and people are nice to us.  I can only imagine how that felt, to have them show up and be so considerate and caring ... you probably half felt like they were speaking a different language. 
That's been a huge change for me starting this new job.  I'd been isolated.  It's done nothing but add fuel to my fire of getting away from this toxic person. 

Thank you!  Well, it was one of the easiest times I've ever done it ... so I think there's progress.  My 'normal person' inside acknowledged my innate empathy and wanting to help, but that was it ... nothing more and no guilt for not doing anything.  It felt a little odd, but no guilt. 

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Associate of Daniel

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #17 on: January 15, 2019, 06:34:51 PM »
Cloudy Days, I'm sorry for the huge difficulties you're currently experiencing. The fact that you are nearly at the end is testament to how strong you are.

I've not read all of the replies so I'm sorry if I'm repeating someone here.

In the past some members here have had one or two members of the police attend and supervise the eviction of an unwanted house guest.

May I suggest you look into doing the same? 

And arrange for a locksmith to immediately change the locks as soon as your partner has left.

All the best to you. Do keep us posted.

AOD

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cloudydays

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Re: Spinning my Wheels
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2019, 10:36:47 AM »
Thank you so much, Associate of Daniel ... really appreciate you sharing that.  Sometimes I don't feel that strong, but I guess a person has to remember it's a long voyage to get to this point. 

Yes, my T has recommended I have someone with me.  I haven't decided yet how exactly I'm going to do it.  I have the option of phone numbers to call as well, for not only support but assistance if I need it.  I have a little bit of time yet, before I plan on doing this ... so with work, finishing the last assignment of my course and life, am trying to concentrate on MC, getting my ducks in a row and seeing how I feel about how I handle this.  Learning to put my feelings/safety first.

There is a very small handful of people I have finally confided in.  One a co-worker who has offered her husband's services for lock changing.  You know what though, my stbx npd lacks so much responsibility I have had to keep my front door unlocked ... I know, believe me I know (it's part of damned if I do and damned if I don't) ... he locked himself out once and raged at me that he doesn't have a key ... I reminded him that I've told him numerous times there is a key for him in the xxxx, which he promptly went and looked ... saw the key, as he's done before, didn't take it and walked away.  It had sat there for months.  I finally took the key out of the xxxx a month ago.  I'm still going to get everything changed.   

Ye know, it's interesting how they will snap.  I had to pick him up from work on my way home from work, yesterday.  Groceries were needed and I wasn't making an extra trip to take him home.  New mindset, full MC.  Get a call after groceries (on my cell, he doesn't have one, just uses mine), his buddy has his car ready ... drop him off, and I head home.  I knew there'd be no chance of him just getting his car to come home and help me with all the groceries.  It's much nicer by myself, anyway.  3 - 4 trips into the house.  Everything put away.  And, I'm not racing by any means.  I'm tired, long day at work.  Long after all is said and done, he shows up.  'Oh, you got everything put away' he says, 'yes' I say ... total MC.  A few minutes later his buddy calls (this is his npd buddy who raged on his ex wife, bugged her computer and made copies of her personal journal, took them to work and showed his buddies - yeah, found that one out, two peas in a pod these two are) ... so his buddy forgot something about his car, they are chatting and my stbex npd says to him 'well, I gotta put groceries away, I gotta go' ... I'm in the next room, open doorway between us, and I kind of give like a little shock giggle (hard to explain) and say under my breath 'what groceries'.  I'm in the next room, he's on the phone with his buddy.  There's NO WAY in the world his buddy heard me, let alone he barely heard me and HE FREAKS!  He is upset, says I embarrassed him in front of his friend, says he was wanting to get off the phone and was using it as an excuse  (ok, heads up ... these two speak the language of black and white to each other, there are no 'excuses' to get off the phone - ever) ... and my new 'Out of the FOG' intuition is wondering, what is up with this?  I mean I've long learned that his ego and reputation to everyone, besides me, is everything to this guy ... but this was weird.  I stay MC best I can, did pretty good actually.  Makes me wonder what type of scenario he's playing out to other people.  Flying monkeys I think it's called.