Dreams about estranged family

[BettyGray]

 I am sure there have been other posts on here about this. We have all been there... Whether it be early on in our NC years in. Uninvited, uncontrollable dreams or nightmares about our FOO.

Where do they come from? Why now (after 3+ years?), when I don't think about them that much in my daily life, feel guilty or sad?

I think about the nature of the dreams. In mine, the theme is usually or always being ambushed or caught off guard by one or all of them just showing up out of nowhere. I am usually having a good time or in a peaceful, safe place but somehow they managed to find me and ruin it with a confrontation.

Now, obviously, I know that these are anxiety dreams and pretty easy to figure out. Part of me must think on an unconscious level that they will be able to drag me back into their lives. Even though it never works in the dream and me either "conquering" them or I wake up, I am still unnerved by the dreams that seem so real.

Long story short I have been having these dreams pop up lately and they're really annoying. Anyone have thoughts beyond the "I'm still dealing with the situation in my subconscious?"

Last night I was visited by my deceased, beloved grandmother and felt warm and happy, only to realize she was bait to get me in a vulnerable place so they could pounce on me. Uggghhhh

[NotHelplessNow]

I have dreams about NM and EnDad pretty often that are similar to yours.  Usually they are in my house or at an event where I wouldn't expect them.  I usually feel attacked or stalked in the dreams, like I will never be rid of NM even though I'm NC.

I had a slightly different one a few weeks ago.  I had been thinking about them and wondering if I should attempt contact again even though I know it's not a good idea.  I dreamt that I had invited them over and they were outside the door to my home having a huge argument.  In the dream, I really regretted inviting them over and was trying to figure out how to escape them when I woke up.  I don't think that one needs too much analysis.   

I don't really have an answer about any other meanings to the dreams.  I just wanted to let you know that mine are very similar and also upsetting. I think they just represent my fear that I'll get sucked back in to the drama. 

[Call Me Cordelia]

I've been having similar dreams lately, too. A little over a year NC. I bet it's pretty normal to have times of revisiting our grief, even if it's not quite conscious. Do you feel like it would be helpful to write down your dreams? Sometimes it helps me connect the dots on piecing together bits of my own past and how they are affecting me today. Maybe there's a flea that's bothering you, or a trigger you haven't recognized.

Recently I had a dream where my NF had to sit and listen to me show him how my kids fold their blankets. You know, like a six-year-old. He couldn't really react or move. He just had to take it while I folded this blanket in front of him. It felt like I was doing Chinese water torture or something. As a child, I had a really froo-froo bedspread that had to be folded EXACTLY as he specified, and carried to the closet shelf with my arms straight out. Every day. It was a royal pain and so demeaning.

So the obvious taking back my power is certainly there, and doing better for my kids, but I think this dream was also connected to some anxiety around getting our house appraised. So the old trigger of housework perfectionism was coming back up. I think my subconscious was telling me it was okay to relax!

[Groundhog Day]

I remember just before going NC with M, I did have dreams about her. I would dream that I would duct tape her mouth and sit her down tied to a chair so she would listen to what I had to say. Hahaha  i beleive these dreams occured because over phone calls she would scream, talk over me or cut me off, or change subject if I happened to be right and confronted her with it. I did not know anything about BPD at the time and could not understand why she was that way. At that time most of my relatives had NC or desagreement with M, so I have had no problem with family members. They understand and support my NC.

I do find myself asking my deceased father forgiveness for not talking to M. As I lay down in bed, I think of my F. What his life must have been living with her and ask him to understand my NC. I know her loved her but was never strong enough to part with her. I was told by my uncle that F had wanted to leave M when they were first married with child in the late 1950's. He went to see his father and asked for advice and my grand father told him you married her, now you live with her. So I beleive he felt he had no way out. I feel sad that he had a miserable life living with her. So I don't want M to die and disturb my F's peace up in heaven.

[RavenLady]

I'm only a couple months in to NC/VVLC and this week I had my first nightmares like this. I dreamt that uBPDm died suddenly, and I was completely stricken with grief, staggering from place to place, unable to remember where I had parked my car and unable to articulate anything through my tears. In an interesting twist, I was somehow a college student again and back where I'd been emotionally in that time of my life. In the dream I called an old likely-narc friend I cut off way back in real life out of exasperation, asked her for a ride, and she was as self-absorbed and unhelpful as one might expect. Then I wandered over to the forest in my unthinking grief. The forest has become a source of great solace to me IRL. Next thing I knew, uNPDf was following me across a crazy narrow log over a gully, emotionally beside himself too, and wouldn't ya know he grabbed me to steady himself and knocked me off balance. Fortunately, it was only a 4-foot drop or so and I landed on my feet, turned to face him, and that's when I woke up. Yikes. Don't need a psych degree to deconstruct that one!

[BettyGray]

Thanks, everyone for your thoughtful responses. It is fascinating to read your stories.

Groundhog Day, I  especially love the duct tape story    as it made me laugh out loud. Marc's are notorious for going and on about themselves and their privlems, then taking 2 seconds to ask how we are, then not listening or caring at all. I wish I could get back those countless Sunday mornings dreading the "weekly call", suffering through at the very least, a half an hour of her nonsense. Then feeling bad afterward and not knowing why.

Seems there is a theme of comeuppance - or is it justice? Loss is certainly present, but so is the element of trying to separate ourselves from these situations and these people. I don't write down my dreams very often don't remember very much. When I do recall them, they are so similar to one another that they're not hard to figure out.


Call Me Cordelia, it is interesting to think about the present day anxieties are intertwined with the issues they burdened us with.

Raven, Glad to hear you landed on your feet. That shows real progress. Nature is also a place of solace for me and was during the beginning. Interesting that it was a forest in the metaphorical sense - lots of places to hide, signifying your familiar and sacred  "turf", which he tried to invade and knock you off balance. Almost like the forest was protecting you, as well as you being capable of protecting yourself.

Not Helpless, I relate to your dream about inviting them over and then being sorry. Their drama at your place, with no regard for you or your nice invitation. I think we all understand the effort of trying to do something nice for people who don't deserve it. When I used to visit once a year, they would act like me and DH coming down was so important to them. Then they would stir up their own drama and not really care if we were there or not. As long as they got to control us by making us feel obligated to shoulder the burden and expense and disruption of our lives to fly or drive 13 hours, they got what they truly desired. Not our company.

I do feel relief that they never quite "catch me" and drag me back into their hell, in real life or in my dreams. But my fear of it is still very real. That even though I  am almost 50 years old (!), they think they have some dominion over me and my life.

[newlife33]

I had many as well.  Most of mine were about running away or getting away or things coming into focus.  For me the dreams have always been a push in the right direction, sort of a encouragement that I was going the right way.

[Sophie48]

I've been NC for close to 6 years, and I still occasionally have this sort of dream. I'll be doing something, sometimes with other people, sometimes by myself, and catch a glimpse of my mom in the background. She never says anything, but I always feel uneasy. I usually say something like, "Why are you here? You don't belong here." Sometimes when I wake up, I feel guilty, and sometimes I feel more peaceful that I've made the right choice.

Previously, I'd felt terrified. Maybe as time goes on, and we find that voice and strength in ourselves, the dream evolves. Maybe, eventually, it will go away completely