What you did was infinitely worse

[wasted_tropics]

TW: cheating and abuse mentioned.

So it's a really, really long story, but my posts are on here.  It boils down to this: she was physically abusive several times and emotionally abusive many times. I had an emotional affair. A moment of comfort with an old friend turned into a lot more.

I've forgiven her for the stuff she's done, but any time it's brought up(like if I'm explaining why I flinch when she gets angry) it always comes back to "yeah, well what you did is way worse".

Is it? Maybe. All I can say is that I've been cheated on in other relationships and the pain of that is literally nothing compared to the pain I felt when she was at her peak of abusive behavior.

I don't want one or the other to be worse. I just want her to take responsibility for her actions. I have with mine. But I guess that's unrealistic. At least there's no physical abuse any more.

PS Yes. I feel like a piece of crap for what I did. I also cut it off myself because I knew I was wrong, but honestly that affair is the only thing that kept me from suicide. So if you want to come in here and offer more browbeating for my fuck up, please leave. Because almost everyone I talk to attacks me for the cheating and ignored the messed up stuff she's done.

[Sultana Bed Red]

IMO you put up with way too much!  Just one of her times of physical abuse would have been enough reason to be out of there!

[coyote]

Wasted,
No one should judge you on the mistake you made. It is part of being human and as you said it kept you alive. I am glad the physical abuse stopped. That was heading to be the deal breaker with me and my uPPDw. I think you are right; it is unrealistic to think she will take responsibility, especially if she really is PD. All you can control is yourself. If you have chosen to forgive her and move on that is all you can do.

I really don't think there is a comparison of one is worse than the other. Relationships are difficult, even with a non PD partner. We make mistakes. We forgive and move on in the relationship or out of it. You do say though anytime it is brought up, "like if I'm explaining why I flinch when she gets angry." I would avoid Explaining as it is a part of JADE. Continue to work on setting Boundaries against any form of abuse. Don't JADE and don't get into Circular Conversations. I hope this helps and wish you the best.

[coyote]

Wasted,
You made a mistake but you are not a piece of crap. You are a human being and as such deserve to be treated with respect and dignity no matter what mistakes you have made.

[Liftedfog]

I recall your posts.  Great to hear from you again as I was wondering how things were going.   I agree with other posters and avoid getting into a circular conversation with her.  But to me that meant never being able to discuss anything like reasonable people.   I had to always take the high road and make ALL the concessions.  At least that's how I felt.   Do what's best for YOU and there is nothing wrong with maybe getting some temp space away from her to heal.   You have done all you can to make amends with your affair and make things right.   She is the problem and can't come to terms with it.  Not your problem now.   She needs to fix her side of the fence and seek outside help.    I'm sorry you are in a painful relationship.   It is not supposed to be that way.   

[Wilderhearts]

Wasted, would you say you've fully forgiven yourself, or even have compassion for yourself, for the emotional affair?  It's completely understandable that you would be anxious about personal attacks by other posters, especially being in a relationship with a pwPD.  I'm just curious about whether finding compassion and acceptance for your own behaviour would give you a bit more armour against both your partner's circular arguing and strangers' judgments.  If you're with someone who shows contempt for your very human emotions and tries to make you believe they're irrational (shames your for crying in frustration/exhaustion/whatever), no wonder you were seeking emotional support and safety with someone you could trust!  I think vulnerability is a human need - it's what lets us feel known and accepted.  With a partner who is PD, vulnerability exposes you to a great deal more harm (e.g. you showing your tears).  I find sometimes self-compassion is even more needed when others are telling us we don't deserve any.

[KFel024]

Dear wasted_tropics,

It sounds like you did what you needed to do during that period to maintain sanity.  I commend you for doing whatever was necessary to avoid/prevent suicide.  Being subjected to emotional abuse can be pretty horrific, especially to one's psyche.  Seeking out a stable force to lean on for support sounds pretty reasonable to me.  I hope that you are in a better place now.  Please do your best to not feel guilty for doing what you needed to in order to survive.