my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter

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dreamtree

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my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« on: December 28, 2018, 02:35:40 PM »
I've come too far in my journey to go through all the details, so I will try to summarize. I just went through cancer surgery and reconstruction, and I have not told my father because we havent spoken to each other in some time.  If that tells you anything.

His (second and final) wife (after my mothers death 24 years ago) is a narcissist, and the family has absorbed my father completely. When I had to leave my increasingly dangerous and unstable ex, he offered for me to stay with them (this is HER house, btw) and said it was HER idea. I knew what she was, but this offer made me reconsider that maybe I had her wrong. I didnt.

She made living there unbelievably stressful, saying I can use the kitchen then acting pissed when I did use the kitchen, things like that. Too many examples to cite. The kicker was when her daughter (my age) got drunk and without provocation (she came to me complaining about something between our kids that was not that important) got in my face, shoved me, said "This is MY house. MY house and YOU are going to listen" and proceeded to make absolutely no sense.

Clearly her mom and she have been talking about me a LOT over 10 years, and overwriting my dads own understanding of who I am.  The whole family expected me to absorb this vicious demeaning attack, one my daughter witnessed and got close to calling 911 (she had entered the #'s and was about to hit "talk".

My dad not only did not stand up for me, he tried to shush me when I told him what happened. His wife NEVER talked to me about what happened and said "Ive heard both sides of the story".  :stars:

Its taken me a long time to get to the point where, narcissist cult notwithstanding, I realize he HAS _chosen_ this person and he has _chosen_ that family over me. That is a betrayal.

Ive gotten a few Christmas cards with notes in them like "We understand living with us was not always easy but we meant no harm and feel you should put all this in the past."

Anyway, I went NC without announcing, and eventually my dad poked at me through email, and I flat out told him I am not going to have a relationship with them on their terms. That I would never ask someone to forget something so traumatizing. That he has apparently no idea who   I am, but based on how I was raised by him and my mother, I know not to accept any of this as ok.

I did say if HE wants a relationship with ME, he can call, email, etc, that we could figure it out. And its been crickets ever since.

The emails he would sometimes send were clearly not in his tone, and Im not even sure he "got" the message I sent. But I have come to the point where I realize the pain he has caused me with his behavior are the results of choices which are BETRAYALS, plain and simple. It may be unfathomable, but its the truth.

And that truth as set me free, to some degree.

Interesting sidebar: my mother died of breast cancer, and now I have dealt with breast cancer (surgery got it all-I should be ok) and there is no way I feel like it will EVER be ok to tell him. Because: when his wifes sister got colon cancer, and it was kind of  a big deal actually, it wasnt a small thing, his wife ACTUALLY SAID AT THE FAMILY DINNER TABLE "I think she uses her cancer to get attention." She has said more than a few disparaging things about this sister when she is not around, but that one was low even by her standards. :thumbdown:


Another time, when my dad had a lung clot and was on bloodthinners, the day after he got out of the hospital (and after she had been sobbing to me on the phone that he was going to work too hard and push himself. I assured her "He will listen to you.") she had him up on the roof with a chainsaw cutting down some low hanging tree branches. :blink:

The sickest part of this family is that they have conversations where they overwrite a person, retooling and recrafting the narrative to suit their particular agendas at the moment.

Long before things got really bad, my dad was visiting after a a long period of not visiting, accidentally slipped his cover. I asked him "Why cant you visit me?" he said "I cant talk about that." Stunned by this admission, I asked "What do you mean you can't talk about that?" his reply "I cant talk about that either."  :doh:

WHO SAYS CRAP LIKE THIS?

Anyway, my dad is lost to me. I cant go to "The Compound" as I call their home. Never again. I am even prepared to not attend his funeral/memorial service because those people are so sick, I would not be able to handle it.

I found this list in 2015 and am happily re-married to someone I happened to meet here. Ive not been able to bear reading posts about this topic because it was so terrible. In many ways, the loss of my father, and the fact that its HIS CHOICE, has hurt me worse than my narcissistic ex after 24 years of marriage.

Thanks for letting me vent. :doh:




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SaltwareS

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #1 on: December 28, 2018, 02:50:11 PM »
Hi dreamtree - I like your terminology. They "overwrite" a person and you will not visit the "compound."

I am glad you are happily remarried! And sorry about losing your dad to his second? wife. That sucks.

Thanks for sharing.

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dreamtree

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #2 on: December 28, 2018, 02:52:32 PM »
Geez, sorry that was way longer than I intended. But I think this other point might be valuable:

Over the 24 years my mother has been dead (she and my father were married for 30 years) every single one of his deficits have revealed themselves. It took me a long time to figure out, for example, that some of his issues may stem from being an abused foster child. But I realized he is perfectly capable of making all kinds of choices to spend time with his new family, and even branch out to having a mens breakfast every week with members of his church (he NEVER attended church the entire time I knew him).

His love for me, whatever of that remains in him, its not strong enough to counteract his fear of displeasing HER. And thats HIS CHOICE. Its not like she has his feet nailed down. She isnt always home and he could call me if he wanted. HE DOESNT WANT TO.

NOONE could ever convince me to treat my daughter like that.

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dreamtree

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #3 on: December 28, 2018, 03:01:07 PM »
Hi dreamtree - I like your terminology. They "overwrite" a person and you will not visit the "compound."

I am glad you are happily remarried! And sorry about losing your dad to his second? wife. That sucks.

Thanks for sharing.

haha, yes, The Compound. I got that name from the show Big Love. The Compound was a place with totally different rules, always lurking around the corner to mess with someone.

Probably the creepiest example of what I now understand to have been a process of overwriting took place 12 years ago, at my babyshower (the one I didnt want but somehow was made to happen). His wife had asked me for a headcount so she could know many little fruit tarts to bring. When the headcount increased, I told my dad to let her know (they read each others emails all the time).

She shows up with enough tarts for a lesser amount of people. This bothered noon except her, as it was potluck and there was PLENTY of food. She came up to me and half hissed "you SAID 15 people". And I cheerfully replied, "Actually I told my dad 20, last week or so. But its ok, there is plenty of food." She looked kind of stupefied and said "I guess we dont always communicate so well" and I cheerfully said "It happens!"

I cant remember how this came up again, but my dad said "ANd you complained to Faith that she didnt bring enough dessert" I replied "Does that even sound like something I would do?" and HE said "I heard you." with this kind of mean look on his face. I calmly replied "Well, thats impossible, because not only did I not say that, you were not even close to being within earshot." Some other time he admitted that "maybe" he was remembering her telling him what I said.

But for him to cover for her lie by saying he HEARD something that never happened, THAT is CRINGEY and CREEPY.

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dreamtree

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #4 on: December 28, 2018, 07:30:55 PM »
One thing I have struggled with is forgiveness.  My husband has helped me understand why- because there was never an acknowledgement of the problem or any empathy given to me for what was a really traumatic situation.  That was of course bad enough but to focus all the blame on me for what happened TO ME is utterly bizarre.

To top it off, when I told my father everything my "stepsister" had said, including that her mom/ his wife felt s*** on by me (her words), he said he didnt know what she was talking about. I asked him if he expected me to believe that everything that came out of her mouth was entirely made up in the moment. He said yes, not even looking up from the paper he was reading.

THIS IS NOT WHAT MY FATHER WAS LIKE when I was a little girl, all the way up to when my mother died. I do recall, however, that my mother was very concerned about what would happen to him after she died, because she was worried someone would take advantage of him. Which is exactly what happened when he married someone two months after my mother died. Nope, not a typo.

A pattern developed over the ensuing years. He would suddenly stop contacting me. I would ask questions, and then I would get a "we arent happy with you" attitude. For asking whats going on. He divorced that woman after two years (I had to help him get himself a lawyer and etc) and then he met ANOTHER woman he was all gaga over. Then he stopped coming around, then it turns out this one also does not like the fact that he has a daughter. Then I ask whats going on this time. Then Im the bad guy again. Then he realized she was controlling and possessive, went to a therapy session with her and then broke it off. But not before talking marriage one month into the relationship.

Then for a good while he acted normal. And intially when he met "Fran", he seemed happy. But I could not meet Fran, no matter how often I asked. There was some secrecy around his relationship with Fran because of an old boyfriend of hers who was dying and she didnt think it would be good for him to know. You will notice that makes no sense at all.  Its not like he was living in her house. And somehow my dad spent all this time over there meeting his new family and I was NOT INCLUDED IN nor informed of these events.

THe person who noticed this the most was "Carrie", who was living there while married to Fran's youngest son. As she told me later she had a real bad feeling about what all this would lead to. I was not being included and all this stuff was going on that could have included me. Meanwhile my dad had said he would "never" do to me what he did to me before. He would get to KNOW the person he is going to marry first, etc etc etc.

Well all that went away when suddenly he announced they were engaged "because she wont go to Europe unless we are married" and "we were going to get married anyway".

So I got to meet a bunch of strangers at his wedding.

Its important to note that I was never asking for anything from him. I made no demands, always supported his relationships, until something weird happened. Then I would just ask if everything was ok, and I would find out they are far from ok.
So I guess my father is intensely co-dependent, which is something I never picked up on because my mother was not inclined towards wanting that kind of relationship. I just saw him as passive and laid back. They got along in their quirky way. I just never imagined that my dads personality would change so drastically after her death. I had no analog for this experience. When I consulted my therapist years later she confirmed this it totally a thing.  She even cited her own experience with her fathers death, after which her mom did not in any way continue any tradition or habit that they had shared.

My father also never talked about my mother. I have no siblings, so I had noone to share my grief with and he just seemed to want to move on with his life just like that. I just had no idea he would turn out to be as unable to be kind and loving as the person I once knew. Carrie was the one who told me that she observed how Fran would prevent my dad from visiting me. If he said he might see me she would make sure he knew there was another plan for that day. When I asked if he could come over on a Wednesday because that was my one free day, next thing I know he is signed up for this church based mens breakfast EVERY WEDNESDAY. Carrie said that any attempts he made to stand up for wanting to see me were squelched. But the thing is, even while I was living with them temporarily, while Fran might be out running and errand or something, and he and I were alone in the house, he never sought me out for conversation.

I should add he also has been drinking more heavily than ever. The moment it turns 12 noon, I swear, ON THE DOT, you hear the "thwock swish" of a beer being opened. Then glasses of wine before dinner, then endless glasses of wine AT dinner, wine AFTER dinner, and scotch just before bed. One of Frans sons "John" told me he was very concerned about the amount they were drinking. John was the one who sat and did nothing while I begged for someone to help me when "stepsister" was attacking me. Literally, he sat at the kitchen table, legs crossed, looking down. "Why is this happening?" I remember asking.

As I was moving out, and had made it clear I wanted to be left alone, John actually tried to get confrontational with me too, saying the whole family is being affected by what I had done, not wanting to be around my attacker.

Im adding all these details now to help flesh out a bit of why NC is the only option. But the way NC went down is weird. And it was hard not to just send an email making sure he is alive. But one of her other sons recently left me a voicemail invitation for Christmas eve, so he knows how to reach me if anything happened to my Dad.

I still cant believe all this has happened. But when I consider he had 24 years to spiral downwards, it makes more sense. 24 years of not dealing with his issues, serving Fran's needs, drinking just to cope.

A final "funny" story. Fran had eye surgery and needed these special drops put in her eye. Apparently she was too squeamish to put them in herself.  She and my dad had this little ritual where he would ask her if she wanted him to put the drops in, and if the timing was right she would say yes and lean her head back for him. Sounds somewhat normal right? I mean, she needed help with an important task, and he has her husband helped with the task. Perfectly reasonable.

Well one day, she was rushing around the house to get out the door on time for some event, and she didnt know I had a direct line of sight to her grabbing the eyedrops, leaning back while standing, putting them in her eye, tossing the bottle back down, and rushing out the door.

So ALL of that is an ACT. (gasp) Seriously. What on earth can you even say to that? Of course I never told him. There would be no point.


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Frances29

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #5 on: December 30, 2018, 01:34:11 PM »
Dreamtree...I am living the same situation ..

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Clearly her mom and she have been talking about me a LOT over 10 years, and overwriting my dads own understanding of who I am.  The whole family expected me to absorb this vicious demeaning attack, one my daughter witnessed and got close to calling 911 (she had entered the #'s and was about to hit "talk".

This is also my experience with my Dad's 2nd (likely final wife as he is late 70's now).  They met and married on her ultimatum, as your dad married under the Europe ultimatum, my Dad was renovating a home and she REFUSED to be treated like the 'cleaning lady' when workmen arrived and DEMANDED TO BE MRS. DUPE and my father caved and quickly married her, all so this lady could play Mrs. Anybody.  She was a mid-late 40's, never married, no kids, lived with her 80 year old mother, an only child, deceased father, who could wait on my Dad - hand and foot, literally.  He thought he was the victor here...he had a permanent doormat, cleaning lady, servant in this lady.

I was well into my 30's, and married with children when my Dad married this woman, and if he wanted a servant wife, that was his business.  I rarely saw my Dad as after he and my mother divorced, he moved far far away from his ex-wife (my mother), his Narc daughter (my sister) and me, and all 5 of his grandchildren (2 by sister, 3 by me).

Okay, so he's married, so what..but hmmm, there is a glitch, when my husband and children and I visit him, this wife rolls her eyes when we walk into the home, we say hello, she says not one word to us, no hello, acts like we are not in my FATHER'S HOME, she would vacillate between ignoring our very existence in the home, to making up a story about me, my DH, my children and stand there and say to my Dad in front of us SCREAMING, "JOHN HER HUSBAND DOES NOT HAVE A JOB, TELL HIM TO PROVE HE HAS A JOB, JOHN DO IT, ASK THEM NOW, they are on drugs, they are alcoholics, my DH was jobless, my oldest DD was 'gay', my youngest was 'autistic'"and this lady's accusations and nonsense never, ever stopped...every time we visited my Dad is was one of the above made up stories about us, HER re-written history of our actual lives...

My Dad would stand there accusing us of all of the above demanding we JADE how we were not, jobless, alcoholics, drug addicts, gay, our youngest was not autistic...then demand "documented proof' to disprove the wifes accusations, it was INSANE.  We stopped visiting 3 years ago, will never go back.  He refuses to come to the state both my sister and I live in to see the 5 grandchildren or his adult children, has not been in our state in over 10 years.

The final straw, was our last trip, when DH and my children and I caught the wife snooping thru our garbage on our last trip to visit him.  Physically with rubber gloves on, the wife was sifting thru every bit of our garbage putting it from the bin we had it in, into another bin, item by item, with her iPhone out taking photos of our GARBAGE...  We caught her several years before the garbage rifling, with her phone in her hand in the room we stayed in, taking photos of our belongings.

My Dad ALLOWED this.  He chose this.  IT has taken a very long time to put the blame where the blame is due ON MY DAD.

I would NEVER EVER accuse my children of being thieves, liars, drug addicts based on the word of a woman I see once a year, who does not know me in the least.  I do not know his wife, we have never spent time together, she is nothing more than a stranger to me...why does she even mention my name?  I don't drink, have never done a drug in my life, take my hair, have it tested, (you will find it in my garbage, sweetie), my DH has been employed all of his adult life..there is nothing to say, so she makes up a story for us to DISPROVE. 

These tirades from the wife went on for a 10 year period where were visited my Dad once a year.  This lady has hit me twice, grabbed my arm, pinched my children, called them liars, called them ugly, (yes ugly), stupid, and when I told my Dad about it, he said I was a 'liar' and I have 'been a liar since I was a little girl.'  Uhh, no I haven't been, and its the re-written history of ME, the wife has RE-WRITTEN MY ENTIRE LIFE and the old fool believes it..when HE WAS THERE.  This was going on as my children were witnessing this treatment of their mother (me) as I went all the way thru my 30's and now into the end of my 40's...

My parents were married for 27 YEARS...they had 3 children together, the youngest sibling (I was the oldest) died of childhood cancer (again, something the wife dismisses as 'not a big deal' when a 12 year old CHILD dies...)...my parents only got divorced b/c of the death of my sibling, who was 12 and I was 21 and Narc sister 18 (we were away at college/grown).  My parents had no child in their home anymore; the silence drove both of them to the brink of insanity....my sibling died on a major holiday and the Narc wife has done everything she possibly can in the past 12 years married to my Dad, to make that time of year even worse for my father. 

Again he CHOSE THIS...

2 Christmas's ago, the Narc wife sent me and my mother DNA test kits, kits the wife opened and registered our test vials to HERSELF, trying to steal both my mother and my DNA, with a typed letter pretending she was 'my dad' as my typed letter was signed, "DAD" not his handwriting, and my Mom's was from "John" not his handwriting.  We didn't do these tests...Again they came right before Christmas 2016...to upset my MOTHER who lost a child at this time of year.  My parents do not speak, why would my mother ever take a DNA test for her ex husband whom she has not spoken to in over a decade....???  *I called the testing company, and taped the call, as it is illegal to steal someone's DNA, and to find out who regisigred my test kit, my kit and my mothers kit was bought by "Jane Dupe" and Jane Dupe (Dad's wife) was also the person who registered both my mother and my test vials to herself...she was 'getting our results'.  This stranger wife..That was not going to happen.  No one gets my DNA without a warrant  :wave:

My Dad filed for divorce from this 2nd wife a few years ago, Hallelujah, but WHOOPS right before it was final, the day of the signing to end this nightmare, he CALLED IT OFF...WHY would he do that...??

I had a scene like you had with your Dad's wife daughter; but it was my Dad's wife screaming; The one and only time I went to visit my Dad alone (without my DH) it was just me and my then 9 year old DD, and the wife started stomping around me, following me thru his house, just shadowing me, but not saying a word.  So, I said is everything okay and she started screaming; GET HER OUT OF HERE GET HER OUT OF HERE, JOHN SHE IS SCREAMING AT ME, GET HER OUT OF HERE, (all in front of my 9 year old DD), we had no rental car, so my Dad said, "FRANCES YOU GOT TO GET THE F**K OUT OF HERE, PACK YOUR STUFF PACK NOW," after my DD and I packed our things, my Dad drove my DD and I to a hotel at 10 pm at night to escape the wife screaming at us, we had no car, and were just left at this hotel, well it was actually a motel on a highway, as I had no adult 'witness' to this scene, I was called a liar and my Dad believed I was screaming at his wife, when we had my 9 year old telling him, your wife was screaming at my mom... and he called her a liar also...(his own granddaughter).

After we were dumped at the motel; I called my DH told him what happened, he has seen the wife in action enough and he actually told me NOT to go without him, knew she would try to pull something as I had no 'witness' and we booked a flight out the next am, and we fled the motel in a taxi.  My Dad didn't call me or me him for about a year after that, and I didn't see my Dad for 2 years after that...

To this day the wife concocts her schemes about me, my DH and my children, and the very few x a year I even speak to my Dad he has a story he wants me to disprove, with JADE and I no longer do, I fake a bad connection and hang up.

**A side note, by God this 62 year old wife must be a sad lonely bitter miserable women with nothing to do as she never stops her stories.

On the note of your Dad's wife's eye drops BS, my Dad's wife told him she has MS, now she made that up before my Dad filed divorce in 2005, so I am not sure if she has it or not, but she wanted 'illness attention' so who knows if she actually has it as she is a proven liar, clearly.

I have also instructed my DH that if I ever get sick DON'T YOU DARE tell my father about it, or my mother, no one is to know, they will make it worse for me.  I am glad you didn't have to deal with your Dad or his wife during your surgery and aftermath. 

I am happy you remarried, are on then mend from cancer, I wish you peace. 

NC is your only option, I would go full NC but we have a family business we are involved in with my Dad...(long story)..the wife has nothing to do with his business.

So, I am VVVVVVLLLLCCCC with N-Dad and NC with his wife.  I will not go to their funerals, he would be dead what's the point and her I barely know, she's a toxic sociopath and has no family. 

This wife told me that 'she can't wait for my dad to go into a coma, because as the WIFE she gets to keep him alive on machines, meaning his insurance polices and our irrevocable trust won't pay out and she will make sure the small boutique company we inherited from his father, my grandfather runs into the ground and can't be sold upon my father's death, thus leaving us penniless' (this is word for word btw).  The wife is forgetting my DH has a job, we have savings, etc.  It was stated in my grandfathers Will, the family co he started will be sold on my father's death, and its proceeds 50/50 go to my sibling and I...

So, this wife is  :stars:
« Last Edit: December 30, 2018, 01:49:24 PM by Frances29 »

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dreamtree

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #6 on: December 30, 2018, 05:00:54 PM »
Oh Frances, Im so sorry. This sounds a lot worse than my situation. Of course it can always GET worse.

I do think his wife stole a dream journal of mine because I saw her snooping in a box once that contained an envelope with those entries and I have never found them again after I moved out. I also TOTALLY caught the wife picking up the phone to listen in on a conversation I had with my dad. He didnt hear it, I did. I work with audio a lot so thats a plus, but really anyone with the ability to HEAR would have picked up on it. He said she wasnt home, and when I asked " Are you sure?" I heard this shuffling sound and he said "OH youre HOME" and she had hung up quickly. To this day Im not sure if he truly didnt know she was home or if he told her she could pick up the phone. Anything is possible.

My dad also said something weird to my husband (then fiance) when he tried to talk to him about the crazy incident, something along the lines of "she thinks people are out to get her" referring to ME. That has NEVER been who I am. In fact, I have been ignorant of people ACTUALLY OUT TO GET ME because its so outside my thinking.

Thank you for sharing your story with me because it does help to hear something similar. I have seen his wife melt down close to what you describe- screaming out of nowhere, totally out of control behavior and everyone has to act like that didnt just happen (?!?).Im so sorry your daughter had to see that. CRINGE.My daughter was about the same age too- 9. Not  a good memory.

Thanks for your well wishes and big hug to you.




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Kiki81

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Re: my dad chose his PD wife and new family over me and my daughter
« Reply #7 on: January 09, 2019, 05:12:20 PM »
Forgiveness.

There is a lot of good scholarship out there in the days of MeToo and TimesUP with regard to forgiveness.

In our cases, we may decide to engage in a limited forgiveness (limited because the PD in our lives don't ask for forgiveness and if they want something they typically offer the nonapology or "Fauxpology") but that does NOT mean we give them an active relationship with us, and the privileges that come with that!!!!

You basically Drop the Rope and their life belongs to them, your life belongs to you. No one wishing a truck flattens anyone, that kind of thing.