Any tips for dealing with this jealousy flea?

[dilemma]

hello all,

in the 6 or so months that i've been NC with my unPD mother I've started to notice some of the negative things about her have rubbed off on me. most notably, i find it really difficult to feel TRULY happy for those in my life when things are going well for them. I hate this about myself! i know that after so many years under her thumb it is absolutely understandable for me to have some resulting damage, and that I shouldn't be so quick to beat myself up for it, but this is something I really want to work on changing.

for context: my mother was always putting herself in competition with other people. if my friends parents ever showed generosity by taking my friend and me on a weekend trip or to see a movie, for example, she would take this as a threat (even though she loved to do this kind of thing for me and my friends). she always saw herself as the hard-done-by victim who has done nothing but work hard and be selfless her whole life and so deserved much more than what she got in life. she always had this sense of entitlement about how her life should look and seemed to think it should directly correlate with how hard she has worked even though, of course, most adults know the world does not work this way.

I don't think that I think about myself or life in this way, but I still deal with so much jealousy that seems to come about almost subconsciously. even though logically and intellectually I want nothing more for my friends than success and happiness, when they find success in an area of life that I struggle in it feels so painful and weirdly personal, even though I know of course it has nothing to do with me. I know well enough how to put on a good face and congratulate the people in my life for their successes, but I want so badly to feel genuine happiness through and through for the people in my life without secretly seething with jealousy. I guess growing up I did often feel hard-done-by because it was so hard to wrap my head around why other kids got to have normal, happy, loving mothers and I did not, and how other kids actually felt happy instead of terrified to go home after school. I know that no kid deserves the life that I had and that having a PD parent was not my fault, but as an adult I have learned that I have to take responsibility for myself, despite the unfortunate hand i was dealt. Despite my understanding of this, I still get this nagging feeling of disappointment when people around me succeed in ways I cannot yet. I know that one day I will find satisfaction in life but that I have to be patient with myself because, in many ways, I got a late start. But how do I deal with these feelings of jealousy that I truly don't want (and hardly understand) in the meanwhile?

[notrightinthehead]

Could you consider understanding the feeling of jealousy as a longing for something you want for yourself?  So you see your friend experiencing something that you want to experience too and you take that feeling of jealousy as an indication that this is something you will strive for.  Like a goal setting exercise.
Also, feelings change all the time. When you experience that unwanted feeling of jealousy, you might just let it wash over you, feel it and then let it go and continue with the task on hand.
Jealousy is a very common feeling.  Many commercials are built on it. They make you feel inferior because the person in the commercial has something you want for yourself - perfect skin or the best car and if you buy the advertised product you will feel as good as the person in the advertisment.

[athene1399]

I wouldn't beat yourself up over it. I think it's a big thing that you can recognize what is going on and act happy instead of trying to take out your jealousy on others. Maybe do some self-reflection to see if you can pinpoint if the reason for the jealousy differs per situation, and ultimately see what you can do to resolve it. Like if you're jealous of the friend who gets a good job, maybe it's because you don't like your own job. Then do what you can to make that better, or focus on the positive aspects of your life. Like maybe your job isn't what you wanted, but the benefits are good. Like look for the positive in your own life to dampen the jealousy.

[SaltwareS]

If you recognize when you are jealous that is huge. You've beat the flea.

[mdana]

I agree that jealousy can be more of a longing for something you want for yourself (that you see in others, and wish you had).  And, boy is that human! What one does about it --- is the bigger issue! 

For me, admitting it -- has taken the huge burden (related to feeling guilt) off my shoulders! I have allowed myself to tell others (when it is appropriate) or even say it to myself --- "ugh ... I am so jealous ... I wish so much I had .... like you do ...".  Instantly at that moment, the guilt and dark cloud evaporates! 

I understand about PD mom's (I have one).  And, although I don't know your story/situation at all, I would just say -- it's great you have recognized a family pattern, but don't assume you ARE your mother, nor that you are trapped or destined to be anything like her.  You may be carrying her burden around ... her flea ... but, you can also give that back... stop carrying her fleas!

XOXOXO
M

[1footouttadefog]

Seems line you are truly happy for your friends successes.

Is it possible that you are simultaneously unhappy for yourself in those areas and unhappy feelings are triggered when the good news for another reminds and focuses you on some given area that is not as you wish.


I have certain areas that can be triggered.  I have some success in identifying these mixed or tandem emotions and compartmentalize g them.  I.e. be happy for x now and pout about me alone later.