But I did cause it

[needfixing]

I was their mom. My choices. My children.  I always knew in my heart that they did not come through that unscathed. I tried my best. I am still trying.  I am their mom.

[notrightinthehead]

I hear you.  You love them.  With good boundaries.  Role modelling healthy behaviour.

[Spring Butterfly]

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[Frankie14]

You didn't cause it, it is what it is, thru genetics, who knows...

I will share a story on how I know we did not cause it;

I have a BFF from high school she became an alcoholic, she married twice and had two father's for her kids, one took off when one was a newborn, kid never knew her father, 2nd husband adopts kids #1 and they have a daughter together.  Husband #2 also an alcoholic, police called constantly, we live in a very small town, its in the papers, the DUI's and the disorderliness, the arrests for the husband.  One night the husband strangles my friend in front of her two daughters, she was unconscious, the 12 year old stayed with her, the 8 year old ran to the neighbors to day, "my daddy killed my mommy,' husband is arrested, my friend was taken to the drunk tank, the girls went to the neighbors, and DCF investigations found both parents unfit, father had a 1 year restraining order on him, they split up.  My friend got 3 DUI's the next year and due to a spot check by social workers, failed the drug and alcohol test they had with them, and her house declared condemned due to hoarding, mess, filth everywhere, so she LOST CUSTODY of her daughters, who were split up among family members. 

My friend went to 3 rehabs, parenting classes, it took 3 years, random drug and alcohol tests to get her kids back.  She got them back when they were 15 and 11.  One daughter is on a full academic scholarship and a track star at an Ivy league school after being a 4.0+ student in HS, the other one is an honors student in high school. 

My D is a barely getting thru college after a less than stellar high school career with a whopping 2.8 GPA in high school despite endless tutors and help, she was raised in a sober, happy healthy home, a well maintained beautiful stable, home.  I caused nothing.  My friend caused everything, and her girls are perfection, pleasant, polite, friendly, popular, not at home gaming isolating, arguing...

Oh the husband went to jail for 5 years for getting 6 DUI's, the strangulation, then breaking into my friends house with her girls there and fighting with her with an active RO..(another felony).  These are white collar, beautiful people btw.  College educated, live in a bedroom community in a 1 million dollar home (that they destroyed) while two girls watched them..

How I explain it to myself; My friend got lucky, her girls did not get her DNA, my D got unlucky and got my sister's DNA...I have two other kids, polite, happy, smiling, teachers love them, they are popular, have a lot of friends, my older one, was always colic, moody, hyper, defiant, difficult, teachers could not stand her, had maybe 3 friends growing up, just couldn't get along with anyone...

I know you think you caused it because you are the mother, but we didn't cause it..

Keep trying, keep at it...

Their wiring is off..we did our best. 

[Adria]

I agree with Frances. Much of this stuff is hardwired into the DNA starting way back generations ago.

[Mirsa]

I agree...it's genetics.  I have two daughters, raised in the same household, same parents (now divorced), similar treatment.  The older one has undiagnosed PDs, the younger one is sweet, kind, empathetic (but not an angel).  The older one had colic (interesting connection?  I keep hearing this!) and has been narcisstic since birth.   My cousin, lives in California, has a 3yo, who is also exhibiting traits of it:  he's sweet, charismatic, and lovely when he gets his way.  He becomes a raging, biting maniac when he doesn't get his way.  He's been thrown out of play groups and daycare.  My cousin is a stable, educated nurse.  She's finally concluded that he got the 'difficult' family gene...like my mother, my grandfather, and I think one of my sisters is bipolar (I don't stay in touch with them much, for obvious reasons).   

So, I believe it's genetic.  Science is just beginning to figure this out, and I wish all the parent-shaming websites that blame PDs on traumatic childhoods would just give it a rest (or cite some actual research for a change!).

Rest easily.  You didn't cause it.