Rant on my part in seriously dysfunctional relationships in my life

[hhaw]

I'm thinking about the differences between people mired deeply in family dysfunction, they can't escape, and those who aren't deeply mired, dealing with ongoing issues without resolution. 

Some of us are born into it.  We have no choice.  Some of us marry into it, and do have choice.

Of course, things get complicated, there are children, shared assets, dependency, fears, and the like, but some people get out, and go.  Some stay.  Sometimes we try to leave, but the courts, and legal system as a whole go out of their way to keep us in a relationship, mainly marital, IME.  That happened to me.  I was there.  I experienced it, and I still can't explain it, but it happened.

With that said, I do realize that some of the strongest marriages are the ones where time and effort were expended to address huge problems that might have easily seemed insurmountable, but turned out to be the key to deep relationship, and respect. 

A client once told me that her marriage, which appeared lovely, was strong bc she'd caught her husband cheating, and called him on it.  They got a T, did the work, self reflection, took responsibility, decided what they wanted, if they could give it, and came up with a plan to work together to keep their marriage as strong as all that work made it. 

I don't know if they're still together.  I like to think they are.



One has to have a standard by which to judge the merits of a relationship.  Is the other person worthy, capable, do they have the ability to learn, can they accept responsibility for their actions (identify and understand what they've done?)

Do they care that you're OK?  Do they care as much about you as they care about what they want?  Do they have any consideration at all for your feelings, and mental health?

CAN THEY DO BETTER?  If they can't, it's futile to hope and work for more, IME. 

Just needing you isn't enough. 

I notice that many people posting on this board, including myself, are helper/healer types.  We have an aversion to conflict.  We want things to be OK.  Not everyone, and not exclusively.   

Mostly, on this board, I notice very sharp, caring, deeply invested loving people who go far out of their way to accommodate their loved ones, and solve all problems without much help, or find resolution of situations they're trying to leave, get through, get their kids through, etc. 

Asking for help is a problem, or so it seems to be a theme, IMO.  I don't believe the PDs care, or spend time trying to fairly resolve these problems, and that's the thing.  We also have to make peace with the fact the PDs will mostly, maybe always, choose an irrational course, and sail it into the dirt, even to their own detriment.  It's difficult to wrap your mind around that, esp when they're nice or appear reasonable every once in a while, as necessary, to keep us engaged, and trying.  I have to imagine a life where someone tap dances as hard as I have to keep the peace, and everyone level, appearing normal to the outside world, etc.  Not everyone does that.  Who does that?

Many times the posters here are the targets, and sometimes they're loved ones are, sometimes it's the kids, but they're being accused of being the problem, gas lighted, leveraged, threatened, etc.  There's no easy way to deal with it, or that's how it feels.  Maybe there is, or was, and we missed it, or are still missing it.

Maybe everyone in the world has these troubles, and they just handle them, quickly, so it doesn't become a chronic nagging life altering problem?

Is that it?  Do they know about healthy boundaries, put them in place, nad follow through with logical consequences BAM!  Problem resolved?

I know that my situation was sealed with the first excuse I made for my husband.  I didn't call him on that first small thing.  I chose confusion over understanding, and action.

I could go into WHY I did that.  What about my childhood and history created that mind set, but what I'm really interested in is WHY I made those choices, and how I can mindfully make wise choices going forward. 

Pretty much I've made the same kinds of choices, but then I've simplified my life.  I've done this with my children and FOO as I've simplified my life,  and avoided people, who in real life, could honestly be devastating complications.  Certainly, I wish I'd have modeled a healthy marriage for my children, but that wasn't a chance I was willing to take, all things considered.

Now, that I have a chance to reflect, I wonder why I made all those decisions. 

The path of least resistance isn't always what I've chosen, but it is one I seem to favor. 

Chemicals, brain pathways, upbringing all factor in... temperament.  Sibling relationships.  Judgements, and my internal world are factors. 

I'm learning about brain pathways, how the default pathways we use all the time become highly coated in fat, to make them fast fast fast, and so they fire before we're even aware.  Once you're aware, it's difficult to mindfully change habits, bc our frontal lobes require a lot of energy to function.  Our middle and lower brains require less and less energy, and so that's a default too, that must be addressed.

To shift fat from old pathways, and build new ones, the body TAKES that fat from one pathway, and builds a new one.  It's expensive in the body to do.  It's exhausting.  It's defeating at times, but it's the way to make real change, IME and IMO.

I've learned to just sit with difficult feelings, or fear, or panic when it comes up, bc I know my amygdala fired, and shut down my frontal lobe before I realized it happened.  I know I have to sit, and calm myself, and my brain in order to engage my frontal lobe again... higher thinking, creativity, problem solving.

The middle brain isn't good at those activities, and I'm sure the last 10 or so years have been hampered by my inability to figure out the pattern of living with trauma, and fear, and what it takes to learn how to shift out of reacting, so as to engage higher thinking, and make better, new, different choices to move myself out of old patterns, and situations. 

We should teach basic physiology, and anatomy to children from early on.  They should understand how their brains and bodies work.  Their immune systems, everything.  Nutrition.  You name it.

Sometimes I think that we're consumed  with unimportant things, so that we fail to identify the root of our problems..... the stuff we have control over, and can change without anyone else's approval, or permission.

We spend so much time helping, teaching, seeking help for other people, and we aren't as focused on our own needs, or maybe asking for what we need appears to be the cause of conflict, or that's what we're told. 

Well, that was a rant. 

I'll end it here.  Change is very hard.  Changing ourselves is difficult.  Changing others is impossible, IME.  Focusing on changing other people seems like a self defeating endeavor.

Changing our relationship with others, limiting contact with problematic people, going NC with toxic people seems to be the brass tacks of change, once we figure out, and accept, we can't make anyone else change, or understand our POV. 

I'm challenging myself on need for approval, need for loved ones to make healthier choices, etc. 

It negatively impacts my life to spend so much time DOING that, yet it's my default setting. 

I have to really focus, and work hard to bring myself back in the present moment, pick up what I need to do for myself, then get on with it consistently.

Does anyone else notice they spend time trying to fix others, get others to change, or feel/believe differently?

Do you think your life is suffering in some way, and that spending more time on yourself, your business, would benefit you?

Some of us are raised to feel responsible, and care take.  Some of us are born with more of that spirit/personality.

Some of us are shamed into believing self care is selfish.

Some of us are gas lighted into believing self sacrifice is noble, and right.

Some of us never have the chance to step back, observe without judgement, and notice exactly how we feel, and exactly what we're doing. 

It's human nature to go from one distraction to another, making sure to avoid pain.  That's what WE DO. 

If we stop the distractions, and pay attention without fear, or holding back, or assigning good/bad to what comes up, I think clarity, and frontal lobe engagement is a natural consequence, when managed.

I'm really envious of the folks who naturally have that ability.  Who had adults model it for them, etc.  I'm glad for them, but at the same time it's intimidating, and has always been intimidating to be around them. 

I knew something about them was different.  Their calm ability to assert themselves without emotion, in the right way, at the right time made me shrink away, bc I knew I couldn't DO that all the time. 

I felt happy and healthy in happy healthy relationships, and I was.

The trouble was enforcing boundaries consistently, and when loved ones pressured me to compromise myself without relief.  THAT is when confusion, and difficulty came up.  Not all the time, but when people who shouldn't have asked those things ASKED, and spent time convincing me I should comply, all the way up to my being invoived with a man who threatened to kill me if I didn't fire my attorney, and drop the divorce. 

THAT seems like a crazy place to live, and it is.  I suppose some people pop out of it, without too much trouble, but that wasn't me.  I paid attorneys to help KEEP me in that place for 2 years, then things went from terrible to ruinois. and I felt guilty for surviving and was told I should go to prison for it.  Die in prison.  And part of me believed that, but then I was so emotionally beaten down at that point, I didn't recognize myself, and wonder how that happens to someone who owns their own home, is happy on their own, learned from a failed first marriage that ended without attorneys or fighting...... how does a woman who advocates for victims, teaches self defense classes, pays her own bills, has no debt, is happy and healthy and engaged in the world.... would NEVER put up with foolishness.... get to that place where she's begging the police to please come out, please take a report, begging her attorney to please get a restraining order, and takinjg NO for an answer bc "it's Christmas."  How?

In small tiny steps.  In increments. 

It was the first excuse I made, I'm sure.

How many people here made that first little excuse?

How many people's relationships are about making excuses, and compromising their basic values to keep a relationship in tact.

That's how we lose our minds.  We start out strong, and the small compromises cost very little.  As they add up, get larger, more complicated, we aren't so strong.  it takes so much energy to sustain the dream of how we want things to be, go back to being, etc... we don't notice it's taking pieces out of us.  Esteem.  Energy.  Health. 

Radical acceptance of the problem is better than spending all that energy on avoiding and trying to change it.

It won't kill us, most of the time, to accept the truth as it is.

It's harder to do when we're dependent on other people's approval, love, support, care, co parenting, etc.

The more dependence we have, the harder it is, I guess.

I pretend till I can't pretend any longer, then I'm done.  When I'm done I know what to do.  I pull myself up, regain dignity, and I make plans to move on. 

People in relationships, sans PDs, do it all the time.  We've all likely done it.  What creates the trouble is the PD, refusing to be reasonable, refusing to settle, refusing to..... be decent, safe, etc.

The system is choked with PDs, and the system is used to pressuring the normal people into giving in, so everyone can clear their desk of the case, and move on. 

No one expects the PDs to budge, it's a thing. 

It's accepted.  Just as my attorney told me men threaten to kill their wives all the time, it's no big deal... one of his clients was shot in front of him ::shrug:: once an attempt was made on his life, "stop whining and crying, it makes you look like a bitch, nad men don't like looking at bitches."

That is the world we live in.

That is the system we litigate in.

Mental health professionals aren't effective most of the time, IME. 

I don't know how we teach our children to do better.  My girls are assertive as hell with me, but not with others.  I thought I was raising strong young competent women, but I think the same sickness is inside them.  Of course it is.  They have a hard time asserting themselves with people they can't trust, but depend on for social/emotional relationship.

The person they trust, me, is easy to stand up to, and be firm with, bc they know I'll always love them, no matter what.  I won't punish them irrationally.  I won't terrorize them, or threaten them, or assault them.

So, those who do terrorize and assault and threaten seem to get more of what they're terrorizing people for, or so it seems.

I recently worked on a renovation with a pretty unstable contractor. I'd worked with him before.  his MO is to get in, get you dependent, then start requiring relationship with you, which is irrational, but true.

I fed him, listened to his stories, and eventually he went to another project, but not before creating all kinds of grief, and fear even.  Then I hired him again, 2 years later, bc he was acting normal, had a beautiful gf I assumed was still around, etc.

I made excuses, in other words.  I talked myself into it, though I had help from others, it was up to me.  I DID THAT, and I'm getting really tired of ending up in situations where I'm threatened, terrorized, thinking a lot about how I'll defend myself, again, and having, in this case, the contractor removed physically from my property as he's insisting I be the one to leave.  That's crazy.

His perception, at a point, was that he could do anything to me, bc I'd allowed so much to slide trying to finish up the project.  I shouldn't have made the first excuse, but then, making excuses for this guy is the only way you work with him.  Those who put up and enforce boundaries don't work with him, as talented as he is.  Those with OK boundaries put up with him for a while, but ditch him before things get too crazy.  They aren't being challenged to go outside and fight, or having a butcher knife brandished in their face.  I know there are other orders of protection against him, bc I looked when I filed for one against him myself. 

Crazy.

My part in that is what I need to address, bc that's the only way to get something different in my life.  I haven't dated, ever, btw, bc crazy stuff happens to me without that invitation to hell, IME.

Is the root of our non FOO "problems" about making that first excuse?

is it about not enforcing boundaries the  second time the PD crosses a boundary?

Is it about our brains reacting before we're aware it happened?  if that's the case, then we're unable to change without addressing it, and going through the difficult task of making hard won changes that create new brain pathways, that become the new default setting.

Well, that was a rant.

I know that I was what I was, strong, resilient, capable, and competent, and that I gave myself away at a point.  I did that.  I could make excuses, or pretend it's something else, but that's part of this circular nightmare, dealing with PDs.   That we sometimes sabotage ourselves, and never understand that piece is harmful, IME.

I'm not saying this is the case for everyone on this board.  I'm  just saying it appears to be something I notice, in some cases, and it's very familiar.

I think I'm going to set up a MAKING EXCUSES jar, and wrap it in white paper so I can write down the excuses.  Maybe that will help me figure it out, so I can move on to new problems in my life. 

Maybe that will help me get through the spiral of feelings my MIL inspired with a letter she sent to my oldest dd18yo.   To our address.  The last time I had contact with In Laws there was a TRO forbidding them from learning where we live, or contacting us, or anyone we know.  Dangerous people.  Harmful.  Toxic.  Just take my word on it. 

MIL feels she has the right, now, to reach out and touch us,  bc dd is 18yo.  It's terrifying, and I want to deal with this with my frontal lobe leading and engaged.  I want to creatively problem solve, and not react with old patterns.

Repeating the past is not an option.

Changing, making better choices, is the mission.



 

[bloomie]

Hi HHaw - I hope it is okay that I moved your post over here to Working on Us as it had so much self reflection in it. What an interesting thought... a making excuses jar. Something I had never thought to do. A clever way to hold ourselves accountable.

What I am getting from your post is the essential need to value ourselves as equally as we value others. To find a stable foundation that includes a sober and accurate self assessment of our strengths and our weaknesses our successes and failures. To not open ourselves up to exploitation by living in a step down position to everyone else by default.

I take this as a call to keep moving forward, learning, growing, weeding the garden of our lives - our thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, that guide our responses and the atmosphere around us.

Thank you for your thoughts!

[Summer Sun]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts HHaw.  Very reflective, insightful and so many nuggets of wisdom.  I could relate to much you've so elequently shared. 

Brings me to where I need to be today.  Change the things I can, me, accept the things I cannot change, others.  I, alone am responsible for my own health and well being.

Namaste.

Summer Sun

[hhaw]

Hi, Bloomie:

I don't mind that you moved this thread.  I do want to it noted that the original board was what moved me to write it.  I really felt it belonged there too.   

It's OK, though.

Summer Sun, you're very welcome.  I'm glad my ramble resonated with your journey: )

[tommom]

HHaw, don't count your daughters out. I come for a PD FOO. Passed it on by me and my sisters marrying them as well. I am childless, but my sisters had kids. There are five of them, four girls, one boy.

One of the girls inherited her father's mental problems - she is not talking to me (or her mother) at the moment. Whatever.  She has two beautiful kids, already getting screwed up by having a bipolar/PD m and she has a kind, responsible and a caretaking H. I wish the best for them. Another niece is a narcissist, but has managed in her life. She's done okay although she was really damaged as well. Passed it on to her kids. They are sweet but more than a bit neurotic.  Niece 3 has no kids, married a much older alcoholic who left her widowed before 40. She is a workaholic, seems to have a bit of social anxiety added in. Love all of them, but your heart kind of aches for them, too.

Then there is the nephew and his sister (and they are the siblings of niece 1, so it wasn't all about the FOO) Niece 4 went away to school after being horribly bullied. Lots of therapy because of it. She is awsome with a wonderful husband, happy, happy marriage and two lovely kids. She has problems like anyone does, but she handles, really handles....Her brother, the nephew, was in rehab at 19, but got a ton of therapy, does AA almost daily and is very successful, married to a lovely girl who adores him (and he her) with a precious baby son. The difference in the first three and the second two is kind of breathtaking, really. Not hard to choose who anyone would prefer as life choices for their kids, at least from my point of view.

Answer as I see it is to get the offspring of PD FOOs into therapy as soon as you can. I say that speaking as one myself. As much help as soon as possible. And yes, just studying what those two kids learned tells me that it is boundaries that mean everything - and those last two sweeties have them in spades.

I agree with Summer Sun, too. Nuggets there....

[hhaw]

tommom:

I do feel my girls have a good chance of doing OK.  They received T from 4yo and 6yo, during crisis, for a short while.  Then again when teens, after asking for it, but only after a period of refusing ALL T, bc they were forced to endure a summer of terrifying court ordered psych evals where they were frightened of being taken from me, and given to my criminal ILs. 

Oldest dd had a wonderful T, in 10th grade, who had previously worked at a Wilderness Program 45 minutes away from us.... the best program available, IMO.  We were so lucky to have that available! 

That T first sent DD to a BIT practitioner.... Brain Integration Protocol, which I had all three of us go through.  It helped with emotional looping, and made it possible for the girls to switch to frontal lobe processing with regard to anger/immature coping strategies, identifying them, and making better choices.  It was really helpful for oldest dd, bc she start to cry, and act very child like, when she was challenged....

stop...

think....

ask herself, out loud, why she was acting that way, think, then choose a more mature response.  I was amazed.  It was worth the 1,200.00 for oldest dd.  Basically it was 100.00 an hour. 

They also took ongoing music lessons, through all the crisis, and I feel that helped with brain integration as well.

The Wilderness Program was.... well... oldest dd said it was the most important time in her life, followed by Therapeutic Boarding School.  We hired an education consultant to help choose that particular school.  The head T agreed to take dd on, even though he wasn't taking more girls on.   The consultant talked him into it, and made sure dd had a spectacular father figure, who bonded with dd, and created a safe, learning environment that dd thrived in.   There were so many ways to mess these choices up. Such a tiny small window of time involved.  SO much money.  It would have been demoralizing, and terrifcally detrimental to have chosen the wrong program, with the wrong Ts, who change all the time at all the programs.  A parent attempting to make a choice, without knowledge of the Ts working at the schools, is way out of their depth. I certainly was.   

Now oldest 18yo dd is calm, and smiling when the world is chaotic around her, generally.   Surprising, really.  She doesn't react to much, outside our old patterns, and I've done my level best to STOP engaging in old patterns.  When I pull back, she steps up.  When I tell her what to do, she goes ODD all over me, so...... I'm hopeful.  I'm trying.

Youngest dd is a very old soul, who asked for Therapeutic Boarding school last year.   She pulled back, and decided she'd rather have a good T, so we chose oldest dd's last T... the one who used to work at the Wilderness Camp.   I think her older sister received SO much of my time, and resources that she just wants some of her own.  I don't think she needs T boarding school, and neither does she.  She wants attention.  She wanted me to acknowledge that her NOT needing T was helpful TO me, while her sister had me traveling 3 States away frequently for family counseling, and visits.  So much chaos, and the drive was through snowy mountains part of the time.  So much stress.  Family T is a trauma on parents, IME.   SO.  Much.  Trauma.  I'd typically be shaking and half in shock by the time it was my turn to speak.  Just listening to the other parents was a trauma... their stories were terrifying. 

DD got to SEE how cutting,  drugs, and sexually dangerous behavior worked out for the girls in TBS with her.  I don't think she was every in shock, or shaking, btw.  Only me. 

This ex Wildnerness Camp T is a good fit for youngest DD16, as well.  Youngest dd enjoys having someone to bounce her thoughts off, as she says. 

I will say that I've seen T do more harm than good, mainly to do with PDs manipulating Ts and children, denying Therapy,  refusing to allow a therapist they didn't usurp and poison, etc.   PDs require the children be weaponized, and I've never seen a T do more good than harm in these scenarios, bc the PD parent always always stops T that's helping.  The courts aren't set up to support good parents battling PDs, iME.  PD parents are hell bent on avoiding responsibility.  They're focused on blaming others, as a priority.  They're already practiced at weaponizing the children, IME.... weaponizing Ts is duck soup for them, IME.  Refusing to allow therapy to continue, when the T is good and SEES what's going on.... is always allowed.  Courts kind of suck, for the kids.  Mostly, for the kids. 

None of my nieces or nephews received T, even though a Judge ordered one of my sibs to GET my niece into a really great doctor who could help with her siezure disorder, ODD, and ADD.   My niece received ONE appointment, and it became clear that the parents were the problem.  SIL received the appointments going forward, and my brother abandoned the very expensive T, bc it was clear SIL wasn't open to it.  Niece never got help for anything.  Very sad.   

The best child forensic T in my old State shared this with me....

"With a PD parent, you have two choices.  You placate them, or exert authority OVER them through the courts."

My experience in the courts leads me to believe there are zero good choices, only less harmful ones. 

There aren't any good choices, IME.  There's ONLY mitigating harm, and that's a terrible truth the non parents better make peace with quickly, or else. 

Wasting time wishing and hoping better options will appear is harmful, IME. 

Getting busy allowing harm, that we damn better document to the best of our ability, makes it possible to prove that harm, and get hopefully better than half ass protections in place,  but good luck with that, IME.

I've never dealt with a PD that could be placated into NOT harming the kids. 

I've never seen court do as much harm as good, in the long run. 

I guess this was another rant.

I think rants can be therapeutic.

              ::nodding::..

They certainly are,  for me.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi Hhaw,

What you said here struck me:

"Maybe everyone in the world has these troubles, and they just handle them, quickly, so it doesn't become a chronic nagging life altering problem?

Is that it?  Do they know about healthy boundaries, put them in place, nad follow through with logical consequences BAM!  Problem resolved?"

There is a mountain of evidence now, that many many children who grow up, like I did, like many of us here did, with an NPD parent, struggle with healthy boundaries as an adult. It stands to reason - our development was thwarted by the NPD parent's persistent, relentless patterns of behaviour and the way we coped with that.

The way I coped with living with an untreated, undiagnosed abusive NPD, well it ensured I survived (thank goodness) but, didn't translate well into the 'real world' as an adult.

Healthy boundaries? In the relationship with my NPD parent, no boundaries of mine were ever respected. Ever. This is a defining characteristic of the NPD. I had not experienced a healthy boundary in the house I spent my entire childhood in. Few if any people come out of a house like that, with a family member abusing everyone unchecked, and says hello world here I am with my healthy boundaries! I certainly didn't....  and I've cried and cried about it. And now for 2019, I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel here.

So, my thoughts when I read what you wrote, which I've quoted above, well I don't believe most people would do much different in my situation. If they had my NPD parent, they wouldn't become 18 and then , by magic, have healthy boundaries. The skills needed for healthy boundaries take time to develop. I sure wish they could be granted with a magic wand, that sure would have been nice to have someone 'grant' me the ability to navigate adult relationships as soon as I became an adult. But the reality is (I believe) that I survived the NPD parent and then entered adulthood without the assertiveness that is needed for healthy relationships.

When I asserted myself with the NPD parent, they would be very abusive. I am sure many folks on this site are nodding about that. The NPD does't care one flit about our self-esteem or development and needs. Us asserting ourselves is just a bother to them, and a challenge to their control, and must be stopped using which ever method they know will stop it (charm, deflection, abuse, neglect, love bombing, whatever they think will work with us).

People who grew up with some space to develop their feeling of trust and their identity, their healthy boundaries that they display as adults, were a while in the making.

They did not do anything to deserve the time they were given to basically grow up over time. Some of us just didn't get that time. I didn't get that time. I didn't get a childhood to grow up in, I didn't get days and weeks and years of time to feel the feelings that create the behaviours that create the healthy boundaries. I had to grow up basically the day I was born, so that I could survive the NPD. I had to be in survival mode, or risk being abused to death. That meant doing what it took to survive.

All the stuff that relates to my own life, my needs, my identity, my own right to joy, that was all violently pushed aside by the NPD parent that I survived.

I'm reclaiming it now.

Namaste indeed.

I liked what you wrote. I agree, the rants are helpful at times.   2019, I'm going to reclaim my right to JOY!!!

In solidarity on this journey...

[hhaw]

treesgrowslowly:

I never understood why we don't teach basic personal boundary lessons/skills in grade school up. 

I didn't know what they were called, when i was 20yo, but that's about the time I became aware that children NEEDED this information, somehow.  Needed information about what was safe/healthy/acceptable in the home, and what was not.

I needed information on boundaries.  My sibs needed it.  You needed it.  I'd guess most posters on these boards, and all our children would have benefited from it. 

It's basic life skills 101.... why don't schools teach it?  It seems like a no brainer to me.  So simple, right?

Likely there would be a tsunami of children reporting unhealthy FOOs and abuse in the homes... that's all I could think.  The system isn't set up to handle that.  I wish it was.  It seems like the right place, at the right time, for that kind of intervention, and support/help, IMO.   

Congrats on seizing your power, and setting boundaries in your life.

I understand coping strategies that serve in childhood, but fail in adulthood.  You're a very strong person to survive your FOO, overcome, and break the patterns.   It's not easy to break patterns, and change our brain's default modes of reacting.  Those pathways are lightening fast, and firing before we're aware, esp when we're stressed or in fear. 

It takes tremendous effort, and mindful focus to build up new pathways.  The brain is very frugal, and takes fat from the default/reactive pathways in order to deposit the fat onto different pathways, as we gut our way through that difficult task, iME. 

I like Dr. Charles Krebs book A REVOLUTIONARY WAY OF THINKING.  It's about the LEAP program (Learning Enhancement Advanced Program) based on the neurophysiology of the brain, using highly specific Kinesiology formatting to address stress within specific brain structures.  Truly, a revolutionary tool in healing trauma,  teaching us to engage our frontal lobes, giving us the gift of choice.  I've seen it.  My kids have benefitted.  I've benefitted.   It's not magic, or voo doo.  It relieves stress in the brain, so we can learn how to bring ourselves back to center, on our own, consistently.  Amazing!

Rick Hanson, PH.D's book, BUDDHA'S BRAIN, is on my reading list.

I just finished VOICELESSNESS & EMOTIONAL SURVIVAL - Notes from the THerapy Underground, by Dr. Richard Grossman, Ph.D. It was a short, brilliant read for anyone seeking information on selecting a good therapist.  He's one of the good Ts in a world where most T's do more harm than good, IME.  He breaks down what, he feels, helps patients, and why.  Like a said,  a very short read, and well worth the time.

[treesgrowslowly]

Hi hhaw,

Thanks for posting about those books. The one about selecting a therapist is interesting. I also think that many T's can do more harm than good.

[hhaw]

I hope you find a wonderful T, treesgrowslowly.

Please let us know how that goes.