Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #20 on: January 09, 2019, 11:10:08 PM »
It feels good RavenLady, I feel stronger today! It's really the best thing i'm doing now for myself. My aunt even tried to say I would come running back to her if I need help in the future, lol, she's only ever helped me once, and if it was so inconvenient for her then she should have just told me so. She wasn't the only person I could have gone to for help at that time. She talks as though she is some sort of authority figure (she's not, she's just an aromatherapist/reiki ''master'') I think there's narcissism in her too.

This is tough. You are getting through this.

I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.

These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

Look ahead, not behind.

Thank you for your words of support, they make so much sense, it is absolutely the best thing for out own health to cut these people out. I'm definitely moving forward, oh yes, and I realize they don't care about me or love me. People who care do not speak the way I am being spoken to by them.

So I'm moving on and working on becoming even more independent and stronger so that I will never ever have to look back  :yes:
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #21 on: January 10, 2019, 08:03:52 PM »
I managed to sleep better tonight, holding up ok and got an appointment for more advice on Monday. Hopeful I can get the help I need.
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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RavenLady

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #22 on: January 10, 2019, 11:28:29 PM »
You are a rock star.  :applause:
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #23 on: January 11, 2019, 05:18:48 AM »
You are a rock star.  :applause:

Thanks  8-)  ;D  :band: :zzz:
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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newlife33

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #24 on: January 11, 2019, 11:42:34 AM »
This is tough. You are getting through this.

I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.

These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

Look ahead, not behind.

I'm 2 years NC from my bio DNA providers and can second what the above says.  It is painful to walk away.  Their WILL be collateral damage and it WILL be painful. 

The pain is worth it.  The temporary loss is worth it.  When you become yourself the right people will come into your life. 

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #25 on: January 11, 2019, 03:34:26 PM »
I believe you, it has been one of the most stressful weeks of my life. But, I know it is for the best in the long run.  :thumbup:
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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Kiki81

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #26 on: January 11, 2019, 08:50:36 PM »
Yes, newlife, at the almost-5-years NC mark, it was a *temporary* pain/loss  :) 8-)

And the best part of that temporary pain is that no longer spending my time and money and emotions with the extended family made room for real relationships. I'm busier now than I was with my FOO/extended family.

I don't leave encounters with my FOC and friends all messed up for weeks. I LOVE THAT!!!! WHO KNEW???? :applause: :yeahthat:

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Dotti21

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #27 on: January 15, 2019, 04:30:17 AM »
Dear Yorker

Hang in there you are okay. Itís them (mum and aunt) who are not. You have been really brave and you deserve the happiness that is out there for you without the cloud of your FOO over your head. Sending you a really big hug 🤗 💕
Dotti

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #28 on: January 15, 2019, 07:33:55 AM »
 :) Thank you Dotti and Kiki  :)

I have not heard from them again, I hope this is the last I hear of them :)

I found some helpful videos on youtube - the channel is called narcissism survivor

I feel calmer overall, my home feels safer again, it is a nice feeling!
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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Dotti21

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #29 on: January 15, 2019, 07:59:53 AM »
Thatís good Yorkie, I will check out the YouTube channel too xxx

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #30 on: January 15, 2019, 08:23:47 AM »
Thatís good Yorkie, I will check out the YouTube channel too xxx

He has about 200+ videos and I think they are all on narcissists  :thumbup: xxx
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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RavenLady

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #31 on: January 16, 2019, 03:10:40 AM »
Yay for feeling more at peace! Keep on rocking it.  8-)
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

*

yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #32 on: January 16, 2019, 06:27:47 AM »
Yay for feeling more at peace! Keep on rocking it.  8-)

Each day is better and better! Yesterday I thought I would have a short nap, it was about 3pm, lol, I ended up sleeping almost 12 hours! I never manage that!  ;D
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #33 on: February 04, 2019, 03:23:06 AM »
Checking in to say I'm doing ok and my mother and aunt have left me alone :) 5 weeks no contact.

In the past I went no contact with my mother for 8 years so I know I can do this for the rest of my life, I only wish I had never gotten back in touch with her.

The thing is, I was obviously not thinking clearly and was vulnerable at the time I did get back in touch, but also:

I wanted to look her right in the eye, I wanted to KNOW. I wanted what I view as proof that she did abuse me. And when I did look into her eyes that first time after 8 years, I knew. I knew my memories were right and I knew I was not crazy. I knew I had to stop at that point but it somehow lingered another 21 months. At some points, I wanted to harm her physically, but I could not. I will not go to jail for her or for anyone.

Unfortunately, she played a part in the destruction of my last relationship with my ex. I did not think  more about this until recently, but it was after the first time she tried to separate my ex and I that things became difficult and we started arguing a lot. This was in spite of me at the time pointing out to my ex it was my mothers fault we were arguing. She did agree but that did not stop her insecurities I guess.

I worry I have some of my mother's bad qualities. For instance, I was not as caring as I could have been, should have been, to my ex. I am now feeling extremely guilty about that and for any time I spoke to my ex cruelly. She even used to tell me I was directing my anger at her but it should have been at my family. And she was RIGHT. And now she refuse to talk to me. I am very sad about this.

I also remembered that when I got back in touch with my mother, she wrote me a very guilt tripping letter and basically forced/coerced me to write back to her, and apologise for being a 'bad' daughter, she even enclosed a self addressed, stamped envelope to send my 'apology' back to her in. There are so many things, it infuriates me.

And I wonder if I turned out with bad qualities just like her, because one time my ex said I was like my mother (although she retracted it afterwards) - but maybe she was right???

I just wish I could have been a better partner and now I cannot change anything about it.

All I can think is I am glad both my ex and I are still alive and in one piece. If I let myself dwell on the bad, I just cry uncontrollably.
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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RavenLady

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #34 on: February 04, 2019, 02:40:01 PM »
yorkie, I'm so glad you are feeling confident about your NC decision and have got that perpetrator out of your life and are gradually getting her out of your head.

It's probably not a realistic expectation for any of us to think we could be raised by PDs without it in any way impacting our relationships. I am really sorry that "fleas" may have contributed to your loss of your ex. It sounds very painful. I have had similar experiences and made the mistake of letting them add to my experience of toxic shame, which further damaged me. I wish I had known then about how we internalize our perpetrators' messages and end up doing their work for them in their absence. My current project is self-compassion and using my anger at my parents' abuse to shout back at my inner critic/perpetrator when it tries to continue the abuse. Pete Walker's book "Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving" and Beverly Engel's "It Wasn't Your Fault" are among the tools helping me in this regard.

You know how it is when we learn we've hurt someone: an apology and making amends where possible can help heal both of us. I don't know your situation with your ex but if this is something that is really eating you up it might be worth offering to her what you've learned and taking that route. But since she's not talking with you it might be a tricky or impossible thing to approach while respecting her boundaries.

It's also true that being in a season of growth like you are means that old relationships might not be the right ones for you now. Again, I don't know your situation, but when I look back on my own string of relationships before I met DH, I can see that we weren't right for each other anyway. It took a long time and a lot of healing for me to make peace with the fact we were all learning from each other and ultimately became stepping stones on each others' separate paths toward greater intimacy.

Regarding cruelty, your inner critic/perpetrator can turn outward when you haven't finished the work of self-compassion, I'm told. Many wise healers, therapists and peers have mapped out a path away from that pattern that will work out better for you and your loved ones too. It sounds like maybe you owe it to yourself and them to do that work and continue the path of healing you have SO bravely been walking of late.

I share your anger at your mother and what she did to you. It was inexcusable. And that her actions continue to cause you pain make me only angrier. Please take good care of yourself as you heal and find your way forward and out from under her thumb, both physically and mentally.

HUGS!!!
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

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yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #35 on: February 05, 2019, 02:42:37 AM »
Thank you RavenLady

I can't quite believe this but it would appear I spoke too soon. I received a letter from my mother in the mail a few hours after typing my last post.

I cannot believe it. She has called me a liar, venomous, nasty. She says I'm trying to slate her character and damage her reputation and she has basically just blamed me and told me I am lying about her abusing me. She has said she can put her hand on her heart and swear on her 95 year old father life that she never abused me. The fact is, she doesn't care about her father, she and my aunt cannot wait for him to die so they can get their paws on the inheritance. I am done with them. I won't even speak to my grandfather anymore, she has literally ruined everything. I just want her to leave me alone.

I am taking the letter to my solicitor this week and hope something can be done about it, she has swore at me twice in the letter too. I wonder if I am allowed to type out exactly what she has said to me on here? I want people to see the sort of thing these abusive people say to us, it is horrendous. This is my own biological mother, she sexually abused me in childhood and has emotionally abused me whenever I have been in contact with her.

I am in shock.
''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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RavenLady

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #36 on: February 05, 2019, 01:30:53 PM »
Oooo, yorkie, she's showing her true colors. She's doing the full-blown N rage and I am so glad you aren't in her presence to experience even more of it.

A loving M who was truly wrongly accused might express hurt and anger, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't accompany it with more (verbal) abuse and she would express far more concern for your well-being.

My understanding is she will get off on any contact you have with her from this point forward, because getting under your skin will supply her. (If you haven't read about narcissistic supply now might be a good time, and there are some fascinating YouTube videos out there, too.) There are those here at OOTF who will probably say that to go full NC you would not open letters from her, and this ongoing abuse would be the reason why. I'm not the expert and I probably would have done what you did and opened the letter out of curiosity/misplaced hope, but it seems like moving forward that might not be the best thing for you.

You know the truth about you. Now might be a good time to revisit the Toolbox and work on putting those practices in place: your stuff v. her stuff, boundaries, etc. You have expressed such clarity and resolve in this thread and I encourage you to remember the conclusions you have already reached about how to care for yourself given your M's history and your current needs.

I haven't spoken with my M since she called me "vile." It was a clarifying moment for me and gave me the strength to google the keywords that brought me here to OOTF.

This is all incredibly painful and I am so sorry you are going through it. Please take extra measures for self care and self love in the coming days. You deserve it.
sometimes in the open you look up
to see a whorl of clouds, dragging and furling
your whole invented history. You look up
from where you're standing, say
among the stolid mountains,
and in that moment your life
becomes the margin
of what matters
-- Terry Ehret

*

yorkie

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #37 on: February 06, 2019, 05:23:30 AM »
Oooo, yorkie, she's showing her true colors. She's doing the full-blown N rage and I am so glad you aren't in her presence to experience even more of it.

A loving M who was truly wrongly accused might express hurt and anger, but I'm pretty sure she wouldn't accompany it with more (verbal) abuse and she would express far more concern for your well-being.

My understanding is she will get off on any contact you have with her from this point forward, because getting under your skin will supply her. (If you haven't read about narcissistic supply now might be a good time, and there are some fascinating YouTube videos out there, too.) There are those here at OOTF who will probably say that to go full NC you would not open letters from her, and this ongoing abuse would be the reason why. I'm not the expert and I probably would have done what you did and opened the letter out of curiosity/misplaced hope, but it seems like moving forward that might not be the best thing for you.

You know the truth about you. Now might be a good time to revisit the Toolbox and work on putting those practices in place: your stuff v. her stuff, boundaries, etc. You have expressed such clarity and resolve in this thread and I encourage you to remember the conclusions you have already reached about how to care for yourself given your M's history and your current needs.

I haven't spoken with my M since she called me "vile." It was a clarifying moment for me and gave me the strength to google the keywords that brought me here to OOTF.

This is all incredibly painful and I am so sorry you are going through it. Please take extra measures for self care and self love in the coming days. You deserve it.

Yes, RavenLady, the mask has come off  :hulk:

She said I won't be getting away with it (telling my aunt about the abuse)

I cried so many times before finally going to sleep last night, and I dreamt about my ex protecting me from my mother

I am so drained today

I know my own memories are correct, she is just trying to hide it obviously. No one in their right mind would do as I have done just to create trouble. I will likely never see my grandfather ever again now. That is not what I wanted but it is what will have to be unfortunately. I am not going to tell him anything, I do not want to hurt him.

I am not going to respond to her

She did not put a return address on the envelope (this has always been the case, she never writes it on anything she sends)

I'm sorry your M called you Vile, that is horrible  :hug:

You know, that makes sense, if this was a false accusation, yes the person would be angry, but the way she has written to me is not the way an innocent person would write, she expresses zero concern for my wellbeing and has gone complete 'D.A.R.V.O' on me. I have health problems and she has told me at the very end to go and get and job and help other people

There are no texts, emails or calls, just a letter

The problem with ignoring things like this from her is it means not having the ability to show people that she is harassing me, but I know for my own health i'd feel better not having to read things she sends like this. It has shocked me and upset me and I don't want to feel this way

I do not regret telling my aunt about the abuse though as it still feels like a weight lifted from me and feels like I got the poison out

I am going to do plenty of self care for sure

I have some support in real life

I do not know if she has gotten to my father too, although she left him 19 years ago, at times she has rang him in the past to ''see if I'm ok''. I haven't heard from him for about a week. He knows about the emotional abuse but not the sexual abuse and he believed me about the emotional abuse and one of his sisters knows too and believes me and a few other family members on his side.

''Roads? Where we're going, we don't need roads.''

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sandpiper

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #38 on: February 13, 2019, 08:49:31 PM »
I'm so sorry you are going through this.
The sad thing is that those of us who need to confront the truth in order to heal will often be hindered in our recovery by family who simply want us to shut up and go away and stop rocking the boat.
They are usually comfortable with things staying the way that they are and the dreadful truth is that the person who has been abused often gets much worse abuse and scapegoating and social ostracism for daring to pull back the curtains and show the truth of what was happening inside a toxic family.
I walked away from my mother's famiy many years ago and while it does hurt, having them out of my life is a gift and it makes room for people who are capable of love and of caring, reciprocal relationships.
There is an excellent book by Lundy Bancroft called 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of Angry and Controlling Men' and this - if you subsitute the  gender so that you view your mother as the perpetrator - is an excellent tool for recovery.
Two thumbs up for the Pete Walker book & website too, they were invaluable in my recovery.

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KeepONKeepingON

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Re: Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(
« Reply #39 on: February 13, 2019, 10:01:21 PM »
Hi Yorkie,

I am so sorry you have experienced this abuse from your mother and that your mother has reacted in the cruel and inappropriate way that she has.

I would agree with Sandpiper's comments

The sad thing is that those of us who need to confront the truth in order to heal will often be hindered in our recovery by family who simply want us to shut up and go away and stop rocking the boat.
They are usually comfortable with things staying the way that they are and the dreadful truth is that the person who has been abused often gets much worse abuse and scapegoating and social ostracism for daring to pull back the curtains and show the truth of what was happening inside a toxic family.

IMO it is best to block such toxic and destructive people like your mother and aunt completely from your life in every way that you can.

When you talked about your mother interfering in your relationship with your ex, I've experience this too and it's horrible.

Take care  :bighug: