Cut her out, now i lose other family members too? :(

yorkie · January 05, 2019, 12:15:14 PM

I cut my mother out last week, I emailed her only and it was addressed to her alone, I told her I want no further contact.

She has pretended to not know why, demanded to know, then when I didn't answer has blamed me, calling me abusive (I know, classic projection).

So she has basically implied, in what seems to be her final email to me, that I will lose my aunt, uncle and grandfather too now just for cutting contact with her.

They do not know she sexually abused me when I was a kid and emotionally abused me all my life. I do not know if I can tell them without her suing me for something like slander?

I also think she has got them wrapped around her finger already. I did not want to cut contact with them or lose them.. I do not know if I should write them telling them that? I do want to though.

Thoughts?

RavenLady · January 05, 2019, 01:16:52 PM

Hi yorkie. Based on what you posted before about the abuse, it sounds to me like a great idea to cut her out of your life. I don't know all the ins and outs of how PDs who treat their children the way your mother treated you can be expected to respond, but it sounds par for the course that she would escalate and do nasty stuff. In my country (U.S.) a person can only win in court on the basis of slander if there is a falsehood. I'd be pretty surprised if she would want to have a public airing and fact-finding around your accusations, given how gut-wrenching they are to people who aren't really sick inside. If you are really concerned about it, find a lawyer, but otherwise, consider that you may actually have the upper hand in that regard.

Family members who are uninterested in allegations of child abuse don't deserve the title. I guess the question I would be asking myself is: what is most likely to help me heal from the abuse? Maybe not a protracted fight with family members, in my case. Instead, I would want to focus on getting myself to where I felt really safe and secure in my own body and soul. If that means granting yourself a time out from everyone who might be implicated in the abuse or your mother's rampage, then you deserve that space and distance.

On the other hand, if speaking your truth to family members is necessary for your healing, then I would want to line up a really good support system (friends, therapist, community resources, whatever) and anchor myself in that before going to battle. Then, yes, I would want to speak my truth unapologetically. But have your own back, first. It sounds like things could get ugly and you deserve a safe harbor from the storm.

Congratulations on making huge progress in your own healing journey. You have my respect. You are journeying away from a nightmare. Your courage is evident and you will get where you need to go with your own heart as your guide.

Big hugs to you.

11JB68 · January 05, 2019, 03:34:44 PM

I lost my entire foo and extended foo when I went nc with uPDm.

Sad but necessary.
It was part of how my T at the time arrived at her theory that m had bpd...
Updm controlled the entire family.
I couldn't have a phone conversation with my grandmother without m manipulating her way onto the phone.
Fm aunt called me wanting to know why 'I' was 'doing this' to 'them'...
Ugh.
I even have a long time dear friend whom I have not heard from in over a year and I'm wondering if updm got to her as well....I'm hoping that's just paranoia on my end.

SpunHead13 · January 05, 2019, 06:43:42 PM

With a PD person running a family you will likely end up with more losses than you want.

I have chosen to go Low Contact with my Nmom so that i can still maintain contact with my enDad and brother. This means that i do not talk with her without others around and all my conversations with her are Medium Chill. I will also get off the phone if she finds her way to it, i try as much as possible to only contact my bro and dad directly. And i also accept that they will regularly be flying monkeys for her, and when they are i change the subject.

If i could cut her out completely, i would.

11JB68 · January 05, 2019, 09:26:31 PM

Spun....gm had her own landline in he bedroom...I called that...put ds on to speak with her (he was about 5), uPDm got on the phone with him and addled him to put me on 😱
She manipulated her elderly mom and her 5 yo grandson all in about 2 minutes.

yorkie · January 06, 2019, 11:55:29 AM

Thank you everyone for your help, well I don't know why I done it but..

I phoned my aunt and I was only meaning to tell her that I didn't want to lose contact with her, then I just started crying, couldn't stop, she said I don't have to lose contact with her.. and then.. I told her. I told her my mum sexually abused me when I was a child

she listened, she was shocked, she asked me if I was ok several times. She said I need to focus only on me and my own healing. She said I can see her and my uncle anytime, she said my grandfather is always delighted to see me and hear from me

She said she needed to think because she couldn't get her head around what I told her. I spoke for about ten minutes and she listened. I told her how I couldn't go and visit my gran when she was dying because the memories about my mother meant I felt I couldn't be anywhere near my mother if she was with my gran in the hospital when she was dying. She kept asking if I was ok, and I just kept crying, couldn't stop. I told her I don't even care anymore what they might do to me because it was killing me anyway to keep the secret

I'm not sure why I done it, but it's done and now she will probably tell my mother.

I am a bit concerned about my safety as my mother will probably want me dead now.

RavenLady · January 06, 2019, 01:34:24 PM

Oh, yorkie, oh sweetie. I hardly have words for you. Relief, that your aunt listened to you and believed you. What a mercy that is. I know others who have walked farther down a path like yours will have more to offer, but here's my biggest thing: YOU DID IT. You honored your truth and yourself. Those tears, I hope, are healing ones. I hope your breathing is easier and step is lighter. If not now, soon.

Do all that you can to surround yourself with love and compassion as your healing continues. You deserve a sense of safety and it will come. As someone else on this board has as their tagline: *She can't eat you.* She's not more powerful than you. She's a small, twisted, broken human who resorts to preying on the vulnerable because she is so weak. And you are tapping into your strength like never before. This is huge for you and anything is possible for you now. Freedom is yours and things will get better. Stay the course your heart tells you and you will get where you need to go.

A million virtual hugs to you, yorkie. And respect.

yorkie · January 07, 2019, 02:45:43 PM

thank you so so much raven lady, I really appreciate your support

Today I got an email from my aunt and she is basically victim blaming me and has given me an ultimatum to tell my mother what I said about her abusing me or else my aunt says she is going to tell her what I said?! I told her it doesn't matter if she tells my mother because I am focusing on my own well being now. She even tried to say that my memories are incorrect. So I guess it will be that I have to cut her out too. I had thought my mother has her under her control anyway so it is no surprise to me, just a bit disappointing. I'm going to get some legal advice tomorrow. I was too drained today to cope with anything.

RavenLady · January 07, 2019, 02:52:11 PM

It's not a surprise that your aunt will not have the skills to deal with this situation. She will be highly conflicted. That's her stuff, not yours, and you are wise to respond the way you did. You know your truth. Nobody else owns it. Nobody else has a right to it. Your aunt wasn't there when your mother abused you. She is ignorant to the reality you have experienced.

I'm glad you are seeking legal advice. Muster all the support you can, and ask for more than you think you deserve. Many of us have spent our lives trying to make do with less than we need. Part of our healing is to honor ourselves beyond where our parents' respect for us stopped. It can be very hard, but the more we manage it, the more whole we become.

Hang in there, pace yourself, honor yourself, trust yourself. You are going to be okay. Keep spreading your wings. You will fly.

Keep posting so we know you are okay, okay?

HUGS!

yorkie · January 07, 2019, 03:50:51 PM

Thanks Raven Lady, I send you hugs too

I am definitely going to keep posting as I was actually going to suggest doing that. Just a little unsure really of what my mother might potentially try to do. I don't trust her new husband either. I don't think I will manage to sleep very well at night but that is already an issue for me anyway. I am looking for a new home too.

I wont let them intimidate me, it is my aunts own problem if she cannot handle the truth. The more I continue on the healing path, I do see myself improving

I even treated myself to a nice book today, it is for children but has lovely illustrations of animals. Books are kind of a big deal for me because my mother gave away some of my favourite books when I was about 8. She didn't ask me if she could do it, just done it. I was very sad as they had lovely illustrations in them. Luckily, my ex partner found all those old books on ebay and bought me the whole series as a gift! That was so reparative

I know you're right in everything you have said, I will fly, and I love that because I also love to watch birds and there is a gull who visits me every summer, the roof across from me is his summer home!

yorkie · January 07, 2019, 05:02:35 PM

I just emailed a further response to my aunt, i called her out on her gaslighting, (she told me I am confused about other events in my life!) told her if she or anyone else harrasses me then police will be getting involved and i told her that she has been disrespectful to me and i dont want any further contact with her at this time.

RavenLady · January 07, 2019, 06:12:45 PM

You go, girl! So excited for you.

Pepin · January 07, 2019, 06:48:39 PM

Hi Yorkie - I am sorry to read what you are going through. It is absolutely emotionally draining to go through something like this. And there is no doubt that anyone who hasn't been through similar would understand. One thing I have learned is that victims of abuse NEVER forget. Our stories do not change because they are both the TRUTH and OUR REALITY. Anyone that doesn't believe you or threatens you, give them the boot. I too, have lost aunts and uncles that were dear to me because of going NC with NF. There are a couple of extended family members that want nothing to do with NF after hearing my truth and are afraid to get involved. They have silently cut ties with NF.

Moving on with your life and only surrounding yourself with those that make you happy is the way to go.

daughter · January 07, 2019, 07:39:02 PM

You can't slander someone for speaking the truth. Your relatives/aunt are now "aware of issues", and may have been afraid, or too cautious to ask, or to question situation. It's okay to disclose this abuse. You are not responsible for your mother's actions, past or present, nor her "anger" at your disclosure of prior abuse. You are entitled to maintain your personal safety, including refusing to discuss this disclosure with your mother, or to allow her to see/speak to you. If you are truly afraid your mother may attempt to harm you, I'd take all precautions, not open door to her, avoid contact, and tell friends that your mother is unstable and perhaps violent.

yorkie · January 08, 2019, 11:40:54 AM

Thanks Raven Lady. It feels very surreal, I never realised how much stronger I am now, since I told her police would be contacted if she keeps harassing me, I did not feel afraid anymore, in fact, today I feel empowered, and there are no more messages at all!

Thanks Pepin, well, she is implying she doesn't believe me by saying I am confused about other events in my life but I know she is gaslighting me. Yes, it would appear I have given her the boot!

I was starting to think that disclosing the abuse was a terrible decision but actually it helps weed out untrustworthy people, and that is very very good!

Thanks Daughter, I wasn't sure if I was somehow committing slander by telling. I done it over the phone though and so theres no proof of what I said, and in my email, I only used the word 'abuse', I did not specify what sort or go into detail, I said my mother needs to take responsibility for the damage caused by her abuse of me. It's a good idea to tell people she is unstable, thanks, it's believable anyway. My fathers side of the family had no more to do with her when she left him 20 years ago, some of them already hated her anyway

I spoke to my therapist too and she said the same as you, about not having to speak to her (or anyone) if I don't want to. She reminded me that I'm an adult (sometimes I do forget I have rights because my mother and her sister still try to treat me as though I am some stupid crazy child).

Definitely feeling a lot better today, and have been focusing on other things and I RSVP'd for a few things coming up with a meetup group at the weekend and later on in the month. I'm not going to let abusive people drag me down

RavenLady · January 08, 2019, 12:17:37 PM

Yay, yorkie!! So happy for you!

FinallyPeace · January 09, 2019, 09:08:26 AM

Quote from: yorkie on January 07, 2019, 02:45:43 PM
Today I got an email from my aunt and she is basically victim blaming me and has given me an ultimatum to tell my mother what I said about her abusing me or else my aunt says she is going to tell her what I said?!

This is classic. Why would you tell your mother what you said about her when your mother was there and already knows?!

I think your aunt is typical in that she doesn't know how to handle this revelation AND it would make her question why she didn't help you back then if this was going on with her own sister.

Keep moving forward. Don't let them make you feel shame of guilt.

yorkie · January 09, 2019, 10:27:30 AM

I got another email yesterday where my aunt once again said I am confused about events from my life, lol! She went on and on about me having to take responsibility for my actions and just basically typed a load of nonsense to me. I told her I wont be contacting her anymore and that she is toxic too. I blocked her and I wont be checking my spam for a very long time, even then I will not be replying to her again.

Today I went to a centre that helps with sexual abuse and I had a very good talk with a counsellor and even she said that's ridiculous and she thinks my aunt would have already told my mother anyway, never mind the ''ultimatum'' - I agree, I think she's right. It doesn't matter anyway because it's the truth and there is literally nothing she can do, I have not committed any slander or any crime in disclosing the abuse.

Yes, it will be hard to hear that her sister abused her own child, my aunt herself never had children, and I am her only niece, I have no siblings. But anyone in their right mind would put the pieces together and realise it's likely to be true. Now she will have to either accept it or deny it. Either way, I won't be saying anymore to her.

I am feeling better today, I still have to get some more legal advice too about an injunction or something similar for my mother as I don't want her stalking me again.

RavenLady · January 09, 2019, 12:09:32 PM

You sound great, yorkie, and what you are doing makes a ton of sense. So happy for you, getting away from these people, even though it's hard. Good call going to the centre that helps with emotional abuse. You are making great progress!

Kiki81 · January 09, 2019, 02:53:17 PM

This is tough. You are getting through this.

I walked away from my FOO and extended family when I went No Contact 5 years ago. At first, losing my aunts/uncles/cousins/godparents was painful, BUT as some of them became flying monkeys, I realized cutting the contact was for my benefit. Its healthy. Its what gives us A CLEAN BREAK and a REAL ability to create our own life going forward.

These people are NOT good for you, they DON'T love you, and they DON'T care about seeing you sane and happy. DROP THE ROPE. No JADE (justify, argue, defend or explain).

Look ahead, not behind.