What Usually Happens When The GC Starts Waking Up And Becoming Their Own Person?

[HindSightIs2020]

Growing up, I was very much the GC and largely lived that role until I was 18ish. Not a GC in the "can do no wrong" sort of way, but in the "project" sort of way. But as I grew older, I eventually started waking up. I started questioning and calling them out on things, and I began to start trying to live my life my own way. Obviously, I did lose at least some of the GC status because of this, of course. Yet I wasn't really ever truly shoved out of my "gilded cage".

They did definitely toy around with the idea of making me a scapegoat/black sheep and/or discarding me altogether. It definitely crossed their minds, and they put up a huge amount of resistance and subjected me to a huge amount of emotional and verbal abuse for trying to live my life my own way. And for a time, I definitely very strongly had the feeling of being unwanted.

Yes, they were extremely abusive, hyper critical, spent years refusing to see me as an adult, accused me of "taking advantage of them" and "freeloading" off of them, and were in many ways absolute nightmares. Yet they never took the route that they did with my sister, the black sheep. She was more or less kind of thrown away and ejected from the family, whereas I haven't been.

Though, honestly during my awakening, I really kind of expected things to take a similar route with me. In a way, I'm not quite sure why. Since all my life, I was very much conditioned to feel that they would abandon me emotionally and physically should I become someone that they "don't like". And they were very judgmental, so I kind of had the feeling that living my own life would just get me discarded. Especially when I saw the situation with my black sheep sister.

The ways that I began to individuate and question them feel fairly substantial honestly, substantial to the point where being discarded/becoming the "black sheep" would have been what I'd have expected to happen. I've questioned them, confronted them about past abuse, come out as bisexual, dressed in ways that they didn't like, experienced some difficulties with things that I was open about, etc.

The thing is that about 18 months ago, my n mom seemed so close to discarding me. She seemed intent on following through, which is what I would have expected. Because a hairstyle that she didn't like was the "final straw" for her. It seemed like she was really dead set on it, even saying that she didn't want to be seen in public with me. But I stood up to her and didn't change it.

To my surprise, after she was going to "discard" me or so it seemed, things made a turn around it seemed. She didn't follow through and kind of dialed things back. Didn't follow through on anything that she was saying, including the not being seen with me stuff. Throughout this time, I haven't given them any new information about anything that they could have issues with per say.

And things have been pretty stable. I didn't go back on anything that I said or change any of the things that they didn't like and go out of my way to try and please them. Just kind of went through life, doing things the same as before. And they have seemed to overall become more supportive, pleasant, and things have generally seemed fine. More like how things seemed before I began to rattle the bars of my "cage", and they even began to become "helpful".

But I don't know. When I started doing things my own way and questioning them, I saw just how horrible they can be. And just how bad things can be with them firsthand. Even if they don't do anything else, I don't think I could ever really trust them. Or at least, it would take quite a lot for me to. Because seeing the rage, the gaslighting, and the narcissism firsthand has really changed my view of the situation entirely.

And they still have done things even during this time that kind of showed me that they're still capable of it, even though they stopped short of going all out. And they haven't been on an aggressive campaign to control me, or at least I haven't seen that lately. Though, things have also been far from 100%, and there have been a few incidents here and there.

Generally speaking, I think they did not care how their behavior affected me or my mental health, but I think they had more insight into it than I often have been willing to recognize. To be honest, I'm really not quite sure where everything will go, but I feel like it's best to be prepared. Still, I often do wonder how things are likely to go.

Or do they typically tend to have an aversion to making the GC into the black sheep to some extent? Also, if at some point I do decide to go NC because for some reason things reach a head, do they tend to create more backlash and resistance than they do for someone who was always or most of the time in a scapegoat role? I'm wondering because there are some choices that I want to make in the future that I suspect may result in backlash and more abuse.

Thus, it's definitely a possibility that I'll need to go NC at some point, and I'm really quite curious what I could expect if I need to go that route. Another thing I've wondered is whether it's common for them to kind of loosen the reigns a bit if someone (e.g. the GC/project) stops bending to their every whim? That maybe in that sort of situation the idea of them seeming to come around to some degree isn't completely unexpected given the history?

Not necessarily saying that I think everything is likely to be completely cool as time goes on, but perhaps they kind of realized that I'm not going to follow along with them on everything and figured they'd kind of back off somewhat/mask their disapproval of things simply to avoid completely blowing the whole thing up and driving me away. Or would this be highly out of the ordinary when it comes to n parents?

Or would it be more expected for things to reach kind of a tipping point of sorts where they feel like my individuality is more "real" than it is now somehow. And this really causes shit to hit the fan, much more so than it has in the past? Or is a more typical pattern to avoid completely wrecking the relationship with the GC and accepting that they need to loosen up on the reigns to make that happen?

Also, has anyone here also been the GC either currently or in the past but has begun to wake up to the situation and dealt with similar types of issues? If so, what ultimately happened? And are you still in contact with them or have you had to go NC? I've begun to realize the nature of my situation, but I'm still very new to having this knowledge and have a lot of questions.

[Amadahy]

Hi Steve!

I was the SG, so I can only share my perception of what I've witnessed w GC sis and our Nmom.

GC sis has made some choices that are way "out there," as far as my family is concerned and my Nmom portrays her as a victim -- her partner scares her, her former boss tortured her, etc. Sometimes, when Nmom perceives sis has gone too far she will write ME a letter to get me to try to "fix" sis. If I say it's none of our business, I am accused of being cold and uncaring. LOL. Somehow, sis and I get along pretty well and sis knows Nmom has shite on me my whole life. I don't think at this point GC sis will ever do anything wrong in the eyes of Nmom.  That being said, there are all kinds of psychological ramifications to being the GC that I encourage you to learn because even if you are not discarded, the mind games are very damaging, as you know.

I wish you the very best and congratulate you on your insight and living life on your own terms!  It has taken me nearly fifty years to get to that point!  🙂

[Thru the Rain]

My parents have shown some discarding tendencies. But what always stops them in their tracks is "what will people think?"

They are far more concerned with the image of their relationships, rather than the relationships themselves.

So at the point where your M didn't want to be seen in public with you - well that starts to reflect poorly on her in the eyes of other people. And by other people, this could be specific real individuals (friends, extended family) or it could be an imaginary audience of "they".

Either way, taking such a public stand could expose your M as less than a perfect parent.

I don't know if that's what happened with your M, but in my own life, my uPDM has stated that she did or didn't do x, y or z because of how she would be perceived by other people. For example, she initially boycotted my wedding - but then she realized SHE would look bad for not attending and changed her mind. She actually admitted this at the time. 

[Duck]

I think it is wise to be prepared for anything. My PD parent has a different PD, but based on my reading and experience, dysfunctional family systems are about preserving the status quo. The status quo is serving its purpose. If you rock the boat and refuse to play your role, it shakes things up big time. It's like an earthquake. Your parents will most likely resist any future changes.

Perhaps they think you got something out of your system - like you went through a "phase."

Sometimes there is a reshuffling of roles if someone breaks away, but your sister is out of the picture, so she won't be affected.

Be prepared for ugly truths like realizing a parent "loves" you only as much as you obey them. I thought Thru the Rain has an insightful thought. Maybe they will do anything they can privately to dissuade you but at the same time try to look good to others.