Memory and PD Parent's Alternate Reality

[scribblesandsuch]

Do you ever find yourself getting sucked into the fake reality your PD parent is creating? My mother has launched one of her campaigns recently, and I keep sinking into this sense of self-loathing, getting really swept up in her version of things, only to be reminded of some key aspect or another of the situation that greatly puts things into context.

It sometimes feels like my memory has been wired to filter out anything that detracts from her version of events or explains myself. Over the years (and with a lot of distance) I get better at recalling things more completely, but it still takes time. I'm still really quick to "take her side" (internally), even when I'm able to point out that her behavior is not OK or fully justified by what she's claiming.

Example:

• My mother becomes upset that I didn't send her a nicer birthday gift.
  
  
• Briefly, I feel guilty and my memory edits out years of her disparaging every gift I've ever purchased her, demanding I return whatever it was, telling me I was thoughtless and selfish for even THINKING she would enjoy such a thing, etc.

This is just an example and not the issue of the moment, but it conveys the point. (I still send her something every year as a gesture to remind her that I do love her, even with all of our issues. I don't know if she actually absorbs the meaning or if its pointless, but I have graduated beyond actually stressing the specifics or thinking she'll show appreciation. That particular battle is long won.)

[daughter]

Yes, our pd-disordered parents constantly attempt to enforce their self-entitled re-writing of relationship history, to portray themselves as "good people" and us as the transgressor.  Their gaslighting extend beyond projections, where their bad behavior is projected upon us as the offender.  "History" is also denied.  I'm the SG child.  My own NBM and enNF had often accused me of "having a memory like an elephant", of "remembering only the bad stuff".  These are two interesting accusations to make: first, implication is that I was obligated to simply ignore, and forget, whatever transgressions my parents committed, no matter how awful.  Because it was the awful stuff that was indelibly imprinted upon my brain's memory, in living technicolor, like a film-strip.  And secondly, that my remembering "the bad stuff" was offensive to them, as if my parents' occasional generosity, their adherence on occasion to nominally conventional expectations, should erase their disdain and disrespect towards me, their disregard for my own welfare and well-being, their many instances of overt malevolence and intentionally-inflicted hurtfulness.  In fact, enNF several times chastised adult-me for trying to impose boundaries, to express my dismay, lecturing me that I "had no right to have issues", and that I was "emotionally strong enough to endure (NBM's) cruelty".  This is gaslighting in the worst way, where the "right" to have feelings is dismissed, where the SG-child is required to "just take it".  For an adult-child's relationship with their parent to "work", there needs to be equal basis of mutual respect and  good intentions.

[candy]

Seeing a T for a minor issue, not the PD of course, has let my PDF to believe that ,,everyone has his own truth", or as he puts it his own reality.

I say no. Bad behavior is bad behavior, being mean is just that, being mean, abuse is abuse and a lie is a lie. There is no alternate reality.

The filter you describe sounds like your M gaslighting you. The world our PD-parents describe, the altruistic actions they took, the perfect parents that they were, probably exist in their imagination. For me most of the times it does not match my memories.

I do believe that telling a story in a certain - alternate - way, can make the narrator believe reality matches his narrative though. Whenever I hear too much details, alleged quotations of my words repeated all over again, I take those as a hint for a very stretched version of reality coming.

I know it is hard not to get sucked in. Your memories are valid. Trust yourself.

Writing things down does help me. And for DH whose PDM tries to control his every thought and memory, it helps to talk through recent events.

[Call Me Cordelia]

Seeing a T for a minor issue, not the PD of course, has let my PDF to believe that ,,everyone has his own truth", or as he puts it his own reality.

I say no. Bad behavior is bad behavior, being mean is just that, being mean, abuse is abuse and a lie is a lie. There is no alternate reality.

The filter you describe sounds like your M gaslighting you. The world our PD-parents describe, the altruistic actions they took, the perfect parents that they were, probably exist in their imagination. For me most of the times it does not match my memories.

I do believe that telling a story in a certain - alternate - way, can make the narrator believe reality matches his narrative though. Whenever I hear too much details, alleged quotations of my words repeated all over again, I take those as a hint for a very stretched version of reality coming.

I know it is hard not to get sucked in. Your memories are valid. Trust yourself.

Writing things down does help me. And for DH whose PDM tries to control his every thought and memory, it helps to talk through recent events.

ALL of this!!! Your father sounds like mine. Except he said it overtly whenever I questioned his version of events: "There is no reality, only perception." And left it to be inferred that HIS perception was the RIGHT perception. 

I agree with writing down events as soon as possible. Journal every encounter if you must. On one occasion I had written in my journal an account of the last day I saw my dark triad father in person. Later he wrote an account of that same day in a poisonous letter to try and get a flying monkey to help him get me back in my place. It was terrifying how none of our facts agreed, except that he was there on that day! 

[Duck]

Yes. It is hard sometimes to resist the alternate reality distortion field. I think living with the PD as a child makes it harder because children rely on their parents for survival. It is also harder if the PD has a strong or charismatic personality.

[STG3]

Seeing a T for a minor issue, not the PD of course, has let my PDF to believe that ,,everyone has his own truth", or as he puts it his own reality.

I say no. Bad behavior is bad behavior, being mean is just that, being mean, abuse is abuse and a lie is a lie. There is no alternate reality.

The filter you describe sounds like your M gaslighting you. The world our PD-parents describe, the altruistic actions they took, the perfect parents that they were, probably exist in their imagination. For me most of the times it does not match my memories.

I do believe that telling a story in a certain - alternate - way, can make the narrator believe reality matches his narrative though. Whenever I hear too much details, alleged quotations of my words repeated all over again, I take those as a hint for a very stretched version of reality coming.

I know it is hard not to get sucked in. Your memories are valid. Trust yourself.

Writing things down does help me. And for DH whose PDM tries to control his every thought and memory, it helps to talk through recent events.

Lol of course a PD would take a therapist's reasonable statement and twist it into a way of deflecting blame for actions in their own life. What that therapist said is actually a great way to differentiate reasonable human behavior from PD. Of course we all have our own versions of reality, and they differ from each other to varying degrees. That being said, the *normal, reasonable* response to a loved one, and often multiple, in your life saying "your behavior made me feel bad, your actions in this situation are not ok," etc etc would be to self reflect, apologize, work to do better etc. And yet the PD response is always deflect, argue, push it back on the other person, etc.

@scribblesandsuch, what helps me bring it back to reality is thinking about how I'd handle it if I ever did as little as 10% of the things my PDs have done to me, to them. Because I honestly can't imagine treating anyone in this world that way. I'd feel absolutely awful for such hurtful, selfish behavior and would apologize profusely, wanting to talk it through if they were open to it. Their response to their terrible behavior, however, deflect deflect argue blame others etc. That's how I know it's PD, it's abnormal, and it's not ok.   

P.S. my vote is for replacing the gift with a card :-P (jk, obviously you know what's best for you haha )